Siblings "marrying up" and fading away

[Anonymous]

If you parents came to US only 4 years or less ago, then how do loans taken at another country affect their current American life so much? They could file for bankruptcy back in Zambia (or UK) with zero consequences to their life here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Siblings can grow up with different experiences in the same family. Maybe your sister did not enjoy her childhood. My brother also feels our family of origin was "toxic". I didn't experience many of his complaints, but, I do try and respect that his feelings are not "wrong". It is okay to not be close with your sister.

Some kids are just ungrateful assholes. I grew up best friends and super close to a few wealthy families. Half of the kids were ungrateful assholes to their parents. It had literally nothing to do with their parents actions.

OP’s sister is just trying to find a reason to create distance away from her “embarrassing” other side of the tracks family. Typical insecure striver who all wish they could delete their past. Megan Markle is a famous example of this.

OP says in her first post that there is a lot of conflict, drama, and guilt in the family. That sounds more than just embarrassing to me... it sounds like they are pretty challenging to deal with. I would probably also avoid contact, but I would contribute rent money.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the varied responses. I do not begrudge my sister her new shiny fancy life with rich people. I am just sad that she thinks her in laws are better than our parents simply because they were lucky enough to have been in America for generations. And I am upset that she thinks our poor generous dad who sacrificed his own mental health and financial stability to give us opportunities he never had. And it is because of these opportunities my sister and I can mingle with and for her, to finally marry a rich guy.

Now that she feels that she has "established herself" she thinks her family of origin is "toxic" and "messy" and her "dad made no plans and a mess of everything and she is too young to support her mom dad and other siblings."

Meanwhile I was also concerned that she went ahead with her wedding planning at a fancy venue that her in laws paid for while my dad lost his post retirement job back home and my parents had no money to feed themselves. When I told her it may be insensitive to plan and have a lavish wedding while your parents and younger sibling literally do not have food to eat. She cut me out for a few months and secretly continued to plan her wedding with her MIL and SIL.

Its been a lot. I don't know if I am indeed the toxic one, but either way, it was very painful to see her plan and get married without any consideration for our family or parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought one couldn’t sponsor parents until they get citizenship?!

Anyway, your family does sound like a lot of drama. Different people have different levels of tolerance to drama. Those who have low tolerance are often called selfish. Others who have high tolerance are enablers. You decide who each of you are.

I am seeing this quite a lot. My friend has a drama mama, her sister is enabling and codependent with mom, she on the other hand doesn’t want to be involved. It does look weird but I think it’s self preservation of sorts.

Also my parent always complain how my brother is so much closer to his ILs. Well they are normal people and my parents are crazy, sorry. He does try to help but they have a talent for making everything as difficult as possible.

OP here. This isn't drama, this was a matter of survival. My parents did not have money to survive in Zambia until I brought them over here so they had access to better health care, safe life and were closer to their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the varied responses. I do not begrudge my sister her new shiny fancy life with rich people. I am just sad that she thinks her in laws are better than our parents simply because they were lucky enough to have been in America for generations. And I am upset that she thinks our poor generous dad who sacrificed his own mental health and financial stability to give us opportunities he never had. And it is because of these opportunities my sister and I can mingle with and for her, to finally marry a rich guy.

Now that she feels that she has "established herself" she thinks her family of origin is "toxic" and "messy" and her "dad made no plans and a mess of everything and she is too young to support her mom dad and other siblings."

Meanwhile I was also concerned that she went ahead with her wedding planning at a fancy venue that her in laws paid for while my dad lost his post retirement job back home and my parents had no money to feed themselves. When I told her it may be insensitive to plan and have a lavish wedding while your parents and younger sibling literally do not have food to eat. She cut me out for a few months and secretly continued to plan her wedding with her MIL and SIL.

Its been a lot. I don't know if I am indeed the toxic one, but either way, it was very painful to see her plan and get married without any consideration for our family or parents.

Whoah! That's some major passive-aggressive spinning of things right there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the varied responses. I do not begrudge my sister her new shiny fancy life with rich people. I am just sad that she thinks her in laws are better than our parents simply because they were lucky enough to have been in America for generations. And I am upset that she thinks our poor generous dad who sacrificed his own mental health and financial stability to give us opportunities he never had. And it is because of these opportunities my sister and I can mingle with and for her, to finally marry a rich guy.

Now that she feels that she has "established herself" she thinks her family of origin is "toxic" and "messy" and her "dad made no plans and a mess of everything and she is too young to support her mom dad and other siblings."

Meanwhile I was also concerned that she went ahead with her wedding planning at a fancy venue that her in laws paid for while my dad lost his post retirement job back home and my parents had no money to feed themselves. When I told her it may be insensitive to plan and have a lavish wedding while your parents and younger sibling literally do not have food to eat. She cut me out for a few months and secretly continued to plan her wedding with her MIL and SIL.

Its been a lot. I don't know if I am indeed the toxic one, but either way, it was very painful to see her plan and get married without any consideration for our family or parents.

Whoah! That's some major passive-aggressive spinning of things right there!

Omg, OP. She's not that rich. And the wedding is the in-laws' money! If she asked to give the money to her parents instead and have a tiny wedding with no food, they would not have agreed. So stop right there. It isn't your sister's money. She is trying to fit into their family and appease them. She can't just say no to everything and take the money!

It seems 100% true that your father made a mess and has no plan. Maybe he meant well but adulthood requires a plan. Focus on making a plan with your parents.

[Anonymous]

OP. Really. Your posting is a great example of the drama and stress and lack of planning that bothers your sister.

1) The wedding is over. You need to stop obsessing about it and focus on the present.

2) It is totally unrealistic to think your sister could have spent the wedding money bailing out your parents. In American culture traditionally the bride's parents pay a lot. So it's nice that they weren't expected to. But it was never her money. The ILs paid but they had expectations and guests they wanted it to cover. It was mostly not up to your sister. What do you want from her? Should she have broken up with her fiance because the wedding offended you? Is that what your parents wanted?

3) Your sister may have gotten used to a family with less stress and emotional drama and decided she really likes it. If this seems normal and acceptable to you, fine, but you need to understand it isn't normal and acceptable to everyone. See if you can dial down the drama and guilt that goes along with these requests.

4) Here you are posting again and again about a wedding in the past. What are your parents and you doing to solve the problems of the present? Get your parents on a list for subsidized housing. See if you can get them food stamps or charitable help. All this drama combined with the lack of any plan to deal with the problem and stop throwing good money away on these debts is what is putting your sister off and frankly I would feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you parents came to US only 4 years or less ago, then how do loans taken at another country affect their current American life so much? They could file for bankruptcy back in Zambia (or UK) with zero consequences to their life here.

OP, are you saying your parents are struggling, because they are sending money back to your/their home country, to pay off interests on loans taken out there years ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My IL are similar to your family. No retirement money, no health insurance and the youngest of 6 still in college (we are paying the tuition instead of saving for our own kids). They moved to the US to live with my SIL who fully supports them as well as 2 younger sibling. While I understand the struggle I am finding this incredibly rude to the people who marry into the family. IL make no effort to improve their financial situation and assume money will just keep coming. Can you imagine if both sets of parents are excepting to be fully supported while enjoying a green card but not bringing any income? My parents lend us money for our down payment (they are not rich at all) but our money is leaving through the other door to support my IL family (for frivolous things sometimes). This is a recipe for disaster. Particularly since she makes little money herself. She should contribute proportionally to what she makes. Leave the husband out of it. 230 is not a luxurious life over here.

No offense, but you presumably agreed to this. It stinks, but you could have said no (especially to a sibling's college tuition!).

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would your sister's in-laws take on the financial problems of HER parents? It's not even their own family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the varied responses. I do not begrudge my sister her new shiny fancy life with rich people. I am just sad that she thinks her in laws are better than our parents simply because they were lucky enough to have been in America for generations. And I am upset that she thinks our poor generous dad who sacrificed his own mental health and financial stability to give us opportunities he never had. And it is because of these opportunities my sister and I can mingle with and for her, to finally marry a rich guy.

Now that she feels that she has "established herself" she thinks her family of origin is "toxic" and "messy" and her "dad made no plans and a mess of everything and she is too young to support her mom dad and other siblings."

Meanwhile I was also concerned that she went ahead with her wedding planning at a fancy venue that her in laws paid for while my dad lost his post retirement job back home and my parents had no money to feed themselves. When I told her it may be insensitive to plan and have a lavish wedding while your parents and younger sibling literally do not have food to eat. She cut me out for a few months and secretly continued to plan her wedding with her MIL and SIL.

Its been a lot. I don't know if I am indeed the toxic one, but either way, it was very painful to see her plan and get married without any consideration for our family or parents.

You are incredibly toxic. The more I read your posts, the more I think your sister is one smart lady. I'm not going to repeat everything that's already been said here...because clearly it goes over your head. I hope your sister has the good sense to stay far, far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the varied responses. I do not begrudge my sister her new shiny fancy life with rich people. I am just sad that she thinks her in laws are better than our parents simply because they were lucky enough to have been in America for generations. And I am upset that she thinks our poor generous dad who sacrificed his own mental health and financial stability to give us opportunities he never had. And it is because of these opportunities my sister and I can mingle with and for her, to finally marry a rich guy.

Now that she feels that she has "established herself" she thinks her family of origin is "toxic" and "messy" and her "dad made no plans and a mess of everything and she is too young to support her mom dad and other siblings."

Meanwhile I was also concerned that she went ahead with her wedding planning at a fancy venue that her in laws paid for while my dad lost his post retirement job back home and my parents had no money to feed themselves. When I told her it may be insensitive to plan and have a lavish wedding while your parents and younger sibling literally do not have food to eat. She cut me out for a few months and secretly continued to plan her wedding with her MIL and SIL.

Its been a lot. I don't know if I am indeed the toxic one, but either way, it was very painful to see her plan and get married without any consideration for our family or parents.

You are incredibly toxic. The more I read your posts, the more I think your sister is one smart lady. I'm not going to repeat everything that's already been said here...because clearly it goes over your head. I hope your sister has the good sense to stay far, far away.

Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the varied responses. I do not begrudge my sister her new shiny fancy life with rich people. I am just sad that she thinks her in laws are better than our parents simply because they were lucky enough to have been in America for generations. And I am upset that she thinks our poor generous dad who sacrificed his own mental health and financial stability to give us opportunities he never had. And it is because of these opportunities my sister and I can mingle with and for her, to finally marry a rich guy.

Now that she feels that she has "established herself" she thinks her family of origin is "toxic" and "messy" and her "dad made no plans and a mess of everything and she is too young to support her mom dad and other siblings."

Meanwhile I was also concerned that she went ahead with her wedding planning at a fancy venue that her in laws paid for while my dad lost his post retirement job back home and my parents had no money to feed themselves. When I told her it may be insensitive to plan and have a lavish wedding while your parents and younger sibling literally do not have food to eat. She cut me out for a few months and secretly continued to plan her wedding with her MIL and SIL.

Its been a lot. I don't know if I am indeed the toxic one, but either way, it was very painful to see her plan and get married without any consideration for our family or parents.

You are incredibly toxic. The more I read your posts, the more I think your sister is one smart lady. I'm not going to repeat everything that's already been said here...because clearly it goes over your head. I hope your sister has the good sense to stay far, far away.

Gross.

Yes. Super gross that OP has so much resentment toward her sister for creating a happy, healthy life. Super gross that OP would expect her sister to ask her in-laws for money to support her dysfunctional parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

OP here. I do not bring up money to my sister anymore and neither to my parents. I believe my mother has a few times asked her for money for their rent and she helped out here and there. I also help pay for their rent and bay them food. The big issue is their massive loans that they have not been able to pay back as interest keeps accumulating. I do not have 30k+ sitting in the bank to just hand to my parents and feel guilty as if they were in my place they probably would have. My parents grew up poor so they do not understand money or financial systems. For them it was all a means to help their kids attain a better life.

I sponsored my parents to come to America when I got my GC 4 years ago.

My sister's IL are very wealthy and generous. They fully paid for their big fancy wedding and all its expenses and she did not make any money and her husband does well but living in DC and their luxurious life does not let them save so much. She also gets expensive presents from them. They seem like lovely people all around and she is beyond lucky! She makes about 60k and her husband makes closer to 200k from what she has told me. She keeps saying she wants to draw boundaries and ensure her husband doesn't "get sucked into our family mess." She was also against me bringing my parents here as she did not want to shoulder the responsibility.

Your sister may have felt they could be supported in Zambia much more cheaply than here and is annoyed at you. I would let your sister have her boundaries now. Sounds like you may need $ from her later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

OP here. I do not bring up money to my sister anymore and neither to my parents. I believe my mother has a few times asked her for money for their rent and she helped out here and there. I also help pay for their rent and bay them food. The big issue is their massive loans that they have not been able to pay back as interest keeps accumulating. I do not have 30k+ sitting in the bank to just hand to my parents and feel guilty as if they were in my place they probably would have. My parents grew up poor so they do not understand money or financial systems. For them it was all a means to help their kids attain a better life.

I sponsored my parents to come to America when I got my GC 4 years ago.

My sister's IL are very wealthy and generous. They fully paid for their big fancy wedding and all its expenses and she did not make any money and her husband does well but living in DC and their luxurious life does not let them save so much. She also gets expensive presents from them. They seem like lovely people all around and she is beyond lucky! She makes about 60k and her husband makes closer to 200k from what she has told me. She keeps saying she wants to draw boundaries and ensure her husband doesn't "get sucked into our family mess." She was also against me bringing my parents here as she did not want to shoulder the responsibility.

Your sister may have felt they could be supported in Zambia much more cheaply than here and is annoyed at you. I would let your sister have her boundaries now. Sounds like you may need $ from her later.

This. Your parents will likely become even more expensive. It really seems like they need to find some paid work that they can do.