Siblings "marrying up" and fading away

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m really sorry your parents are in this situation. To me it sounds like you are upset with your sister and her dh bc they haven’t asked his parents to help your parents. You need to understand that it isn’t their money. It belongs to the IL’s and it would be very presumptuous of your sister or even their son to ask them to spend it on your parents. So they spent a lot of money on the wedding? That was their choice and they were not taking money away from your parents. You can’t judge how the IL’s spend money bc you, your parents, your sister and your brother in law have no claim on it. I get it op. My sibling didn’t speak to my father. I eventually realized that we processed the same experiences differently and I could get over them (no abuse) and he couldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post explains it. They treat her wonderfully and love her, and all you have for her is disdain. Good for her for keeping her distance.

+2

My sibling has a very different view of our upbringing. We were called f*** face and sl**s to our faces since we were preschool aged but my mom provided material things so I should be grateful of all she sacrificed. I can’t be around that toxicity and I don’t want my kids or new family around it either

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel justifiably hurt, and that's your reality. She, on the other hand, has her reality. You admitted yourself that there's a lot of strife, drama, and guilt-trips in your family. She may have been particularly hit hard by it all, and she's trying to control in one area she has control over, her new family life. Just b/c her ILs are better off financially doesn't mean they didn't deserve her affection. They may have shown her what a functional and calm family life looks like and she's trying to hold on to that and protect it.

I also can't wrap my mind around the fact that your parents were poor but somehow managed to send both of you to private school. Something is not adding up. And the guilt trips. It all does sound toxic.

+1

And the sister’s wealthy husband is not obligated to support his wife’s parents.

[Anonymous]

My IL are similar to your family. No retirement money, no health insurance and the youngest of 6 still in college (we are paying the tuition instead of saving for our own kids). They moved to the US to live with my SIL who fully supports them as well as 2 younger sibling. While I understand the struggle I am finding this incredibly rude to the people who marry into the family. IL make no effort to improve their financial situation and assume money will just keep coming. Can you imagine if both sets of parents are excepting to be fully supported while enjoying a green card but not bringing any income? My parents lend us money for our down payment (they are not rich at all) but our money is leaving through the other door to support my IL family (for frivolous things sometimes). This is a recipe for disaster. Particularly since she makes little money herself. She should contribute proportionally to what she makes. Leave the husband out of it. 230 is not a luxurious life over here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yes, I’ve experienced the same, coming from a LMC family with a single mother. Our late mother was a divorced R.N. who helped put three kids through college. My older brothers married into very wealthy families where the parents often “treated” them to cruises, rounds of golf, sailboat rides, nice dinners out, etc. Both brothers preferred spending time around their in-laws and tried to avoid gatherings with our mother and me. They claimed it was “depressing.” I really felt very badly for my mother; they really hurt her. She always said she was glad to have a daughter! I have two sons and I hope they will treat me better than my brothers treated my mom.

OP's sister and your brothers are ashamed of their humble upbringing. Social climbers are the same everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it does sound like a mess. It sounds like your parents aren't so hot at thinking through the long-term consequences of their decisions, nor are they doing a good job managing their current situation in the present. So I don't blame your sister for being fed up with it. It seems like you don't really have your head around a plan or solution either, you're just trying to cope month-to-month and that's not really solving the problem.

It sounds like you need to either help them pay down at least some of the debt, or help them file bankruptcy.
See if you can get a legal aid lawyer, they're often cheap or free and can help you negotiate with the creditors. Often times creditors will settle for less than the amount due just to put an end to things. Even if it's not a bankruptcy.

Have you considered moving in with your parents for a while? If you moved in and subletted your place, you could probably gain a few thousand dollars in rent from your subletter. If it's really just $30K, I think you and your parents could at least significantly reduce it by going super-frugal for a year.

What a bunch of nonsense. This is how people from poor countries support their kids and their family. They don't have a safety net nor option for bankruptcy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of ungrateful children on this post which I find sad. My mom was a single mom (not by choice) of seven and busted her immigrant butt to give us the best education. She’s not great with money and I always chose higher paying jobs so I could plan to help her. This was understood before marriage as I discussed it with my husband.

People on this thread are also clueless. OP is wasting her time her. She would find more realistic comments on a forum where the real working class people frequent, like reddit. Young Americans are also working hard, supporting their parents. Not like the clueless selfish people here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of ungrateful children on this post which I find sad. My mom was a single mom (not by choice) of seven and busted her immigrant butt to give us the best education. She’s not great with money and I always chose higher paying jobs so I could plan to help her. This was understood before marriage as I discussed it with my husband.

That's the difference, your dh knew what the deal was. It sounds like OP's sister did not have that talk.

She knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of ungrateful children on this post which I find sad. My mom was a single mom (not by choice) of seven and busted her immigrant butt to give us the best education. She’s not great with money and I always chose higher paying jobs so I could plan to help her. This was understood before marriage as I discussed it with my husband.

That's the difference, your dh knew what the deal was. It sounds like OP's sister did not have that talk.

Sounds like your mom worked at a job. Unlike OP's mom.

Do you know how hard to get a real job in a poor country? My grandma always admired my mother because she has a real regular paying job. However my grandma worked harder than any of us raising 2 kids on her own. You are a stupid entitled ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel justifiably hurt, and that's your reality. She, on the other hand, has her reality. You admitted yourself that there's a lot of strife, drama, and guilt-trips in your family. She may have been particularly hit hard by it all, and she's trying to control in one area she has control over, her new family life. Just b/c her ILs are better off financially doesn't mean they didn't deserve her affection. They may have shown her what a functional and calm family life looks like and she's trying to hold on to that and protect it.

I also can't wrap my mind around the fact that your parents were poor but somehow managed to send both of you to private school. Something is not adding up. And the guilt trips. It all does sound toxic.

+1

And the sister’s wealthy husband is not obligated to support his wife’s parents.

He makes 200k... if he’s here in the DC area, he isn’t wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is a selfish bitch. Your parents made sacrifices which groomed her into being a suitable spouse for a high-status man. Had your parents not sent you to private schools, no high status family would gush about her. 100% fact.

That said, nothing you can do. I’d totally cut off my sister if she acted like this. I just wouldn’t be able to stand her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Siblings can grow up with different experiences in the same family. Maybe your sister did not enjoy her childhood. My brother also feels our family of origin was "toxic". I didn't experience many of his complaints, but, I do try and respect that his feelings are not "wrong". It is okay to not be close with your sister.

Some kids are just ungrateful assholes. I grew up best friends and super close to a few wealthy families. Half of the kids were ungrateful assholes to their parents. It had literally nothing to do with their parents actions.

OP’s sister is just trying to find a reason to create distance away from her “embarrassing” other side of the tracks family. Typical insecure striver who all wish they could delete their past. Megan Markle is a famous example of this.

[Anonymous]

I think people are missing that OP sponsored her parents to come to the US once she got her green card. I don’t understand how she was able to do this so quickly because it often can take a decade or more to so). Her sister told OP NOT to do it because financially the parents would be easier to support in Gambia. OP didn’t listen. She is the one who swore she wound be financially responsible.

[Anonymous]

I thought one couldn’t sponsor parents until they get citizenship?!

Anyway, your family does sound like a lot of drama. Different people have different levels of tolerance to drama. Those who have low tolerance are often called selfish. Others who have high tolerance are enablers. You decide who each of you are.

I am seeing this quite a lot. My friend has a drama mama, her sister is enabling and codependent with mom, she on the other hand doesn’t want to be involved. It does look weird but I think it’s self preservation of sorts.

Also my parent always complain how my brother is so much closer to his ILs. Well they are normal people and my parents are crazy, sorry. He does try to help but they have a talent for making everything as difficult as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, it does sound like a mess. It sounds like your parents aren't so hot at thinking through the long-term consequences of their decisions, nor are they doing a good job managing their current situation in the present. So I don't blame your sister for being fed up with it. It seems like you don't really have your head around a plan or solution either, you're just trying to cope month-to-month and that's not really solving the problem.

It sounds like you need to either help them pay down at least some of the debt, or help them file bankruptcy.
See if you can get a legal aid lawyer, they're often cheap or free and can help you negotiate with the creditors. Often times creditors will settle for less than the amount due just to put an end to things. Even if it's not a bankruptcy.

Have you considered moving in with your parents for a while? If you moved in and subletted your place, you could probably gain a few thousand dollars in rent from your subletter. If it's really just $30K, I think you and your parents could at least significantly reduce it by going super-frugal for a year.

What a bunch of nonsense. This is how people from poor countries support their kids and their family. They don't have a safety net nor option for bankruptcy.

Actually, PP has given good advice on how to get out of the cycle of inter generational financial dysfunction. Sounds like you’re familiar with it.