Siblings "marrying up" and fading away

[Anonymous]

People don’t like you telling them how to spend their money. She doesn’t want you telling her, she doesn’t want your parents guilting her.

Leave the money out of it and you can have a good relationship with her again. You don’t know her finances or her marriage. It’s not your money to spend.

[Anonymous]

So your mother chose not to work, so now your sister has to work extra or her husband has to work extra to support your parents? Why doesn’t your mom work?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you parents ran themselves financially into the ground to give their kids opportunities.

That is a risk if they are hoping/expecting gratitude and a helping hand.

Instead, she may be looking at her husband and seeing what an easy, worry-free childhood he had when it came to money-- instead of feeling appreciative of what your parents did for her, that may be causing deep resentment and the accusation of a toxic upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Do her ILs actually give her/her DH money? Because my parents are well off (from MC backgrounds, but solidly UUMC economically speaking now), but they've never given my siblings & I money that we could pass on. (I don't mean to disparage my parents at all. They paid for my college and part of law school. They are generous with gifts to their grand kids. They lent us $15K for a downpayment for our first house.) But the fact they have $$ does not in any way, shape or form me that DH & I have money that we could gift to my in laws. Are you sure that's not the scenario? I would not feel comfortable at all if my DH/in laws pressured me to ask my parents for $$ for them (not that they ever would).

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that you need to look more critically at your parents' choices. Plenty of people do fine in public school and public colleges. And plenty of moms work, especially with older children. Why did your parents choose the combination of private school and one income?

You seem to see your parents' financial situation as something they couldn't be expected to control. That's a cultural belief. You don't have to believe it just because your parents say it. If your sister has come into a different family culture and a different set of beliefs surrounding money, she may look at things differently. And if she has figured out what it's like to have peace surrounding finances, that's probably really appealing to her and she doesn't want to get sucked back in to stress and strife.

And +1 to the idea that it's not actually her money. It can be very, very awkward to marry into a higher-income family and it's probably stressful enough for her without you pressuring her to ask her husband for more and more money for your parents. Because if their money management skills aren't good, it will never be enough.

[Anonymous]

Has this happened to others too?

I saw that thread about the brother who is ignoring his own family and it struck a cord with me. My family and I grew up LMC and my poor hard working parents sacrificed a lot to give us MC-UMC opportunities regarding education. As a result of us not coming from money, my parents are now completely broke and struggling to pay bills. This has created a lot of family tension and my siblings and I cope with a lot of anxiety and depression and guilt over our penniless parents. There is a lot of strife and drama and guilt tripping sometimes by our parents themselves. But overall they are exceedingly kind and generous people who literally gave their all to us.

My one sister met and married a guy who in all respects is..."better" than us. Private school, Executive father, Glamorous UC upbringing and comforts. My sister is head over heels in love and is the consummate wife and daughter in law. When I first met his parents, her MIL gushed, "Larla is an ANGEL! She is perfection! You can take our son, but we will keep your sister!"

I was pretty dumbstruck as to what to say.Since she has pretty much ghosted us and our parents. Since meeting him she keeps saying our family is "toxic" and holds a grudge against our parents for things that were out of their control such as no retirement funds and sacrifices they had to make. We have a distant and polite relationship but meanwhile her social media feed is filled with her picture perfect husband and in laws.

I have made peace with her decision to distance herself from us but it still hurts.

This is a classic case of siblings (you and she) having a different outlook on life, and different priorities. It was obviously important to her to have a more money and less worries. She doesn't see your parents' contributions in the same light that you do.

A distant, yet peaceful, relationship is the best way to go here. Learn to accept this about her. She is not going to change.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes, I’ve experienced the same, coming from a LMC family with a single mother. Our late mother was a divorced R.N. who helped put three kids through college. My older brothers married into very wealthy families where the parents often “treated” them to cruises, rounds of golf, sailboat rides, nice dinners out, etc. Both brothers preferred spending time around their in-laws and tried to avoid gatherings with our mother and me. They claimed it was “depressing.” I really felt very badly for my mother; they really hurt her. She always said she was glad to have a daughter! I have two sons and I hope they will treat me better than my brothers treated my mom.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

Are your parents here or in the UK? Either way, there are benefits for low-income individuals. Are they utilizing those?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

OP here. I do not bring up money to my sister anymore and neither to my parents. I believe my mother has a few times asked her for money for their rent and she helped out here and there. I also help pay for their rent and bay them food. The big issue is their massive loans that they have not been able to pay back as interest keeps accumulating. I do not have 30k+ sitting in the bank to just hand to my parents and feel guilty as if they were in my place they probably would have. My parents grew up poor so they do not understand money or financial systems. For them it was all a means to help their kids attain a better life.

I sponsored my parents to come to America when I got my GC 4 years ago.

My sister's IL are very wealthy and generous. They fully paid for their big fancy wedding and all its expenses and she did not make any money and her husband does well but living in DC and their luxurious life does not let them save so much. She also gets expensive presents from them. They seem like lovely people all around and she is beyond lucky! She makes about 60k and her husband makes closer to 200k from what she has told me. She keeps saying she wants to draw boundaries and ensure her husband doesn't "get sucked into our family mess." She was also against me bringing my parents here as she did not want to shoulder the responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

OP here. I do not bring up money to my sister anymore and neither to my parents. I believe my mother has a few times asked her for money for their rent and she helped out here and there. I also help pay for their rent and bay them food. The big issue is their massive loans that they have not been able to pay back as interest keeps accumulating. I do not have 30k+ sitting in the bank to just hand to my parents and feel guilty as if they were in my place they probably would have. My parents grew up poor so they do not understand money or financial systems. For them it was all a means to help their kids attain a better life.

I sponsored my parents to come to America when I got my GC 4 years ago.

My sister's IL are very wealthy and generous. They fully paid for their big fancy wedding and all its expenses and she did not make any money and her husband does well but living in DC and their luxurious life does not let them save so much. She also gets expensive presents from them. They seem like lovely people all around and she is beyond lucky! She makes about 60k and her husband makes closer to 200k from what she has told me. She keeps saying she wants to draw boundaries and ensure her husband doesn't "get sucked into our family mess." She was also against me bringing my parents here as she did not want to shoulder the responsibility.

If the debt is the problem, it sounds like you need to help your parents file bankruptcy. I know it is hard, but it's the solution. But also, are both of your parents unable to work at all? In America it's expected that people who have financial problems will work as much as they are able (even if that isn't much) before asking others to support them.

[Anonymous]

Well, it does sound like a mess. It sounds like your parents aren't so hot at thinking through the long-term consequences of their decisions, nor are they doing a good job managing their current situation in the present. So I don't blame your sister for being fed up with it. It seems like you don't really have your head around a plan or solution either, you're just trying to cope month-to-month and that's not really solving the problem.

It sounds like you need to either help them pay down at least some of the debt, or help them file bankruptcy.
See if you can get a legal aid lawyer, they're often cheap or free and can help you negotiate with the creditors. Often times creditors will settle for less than the amount due just to put an end to things. Even if it's not a bankruptcy.

Have you considered moving in with your parents for a while? If you moved in and subletted your place, you could probably gain a few thousand dollars in rent from your subletter. If it's really just $30K, I think you and your parents could at least significantly reduce it by going super-frugal for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Siblings can grow up with different experiences in the same family. Maybe your sister did not enjoy her childhood. My brother also feels our family of origin was "toxic". I didn't experience many of his complaints, but, I do try and respect that his feelings are not "wrong". It is okay to not be close with your sister.

NP. I really admire your response. So healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

OP here. I do not bring up money to my sister anymore and neither to my parents. I believe my mother has a few times asked her for money for their rent and she helped out here and there. I also help pay for their rent and bay them food. The big issue is their massive loans that they have not been able to pay back as interest keeps accumulating. I do not have 30k+ sitting in the bank to just hand to my parents and feel guilty as if they were in my place they probably would have. My parents grew up poor so they do not understand money or financial systems. For them it was all a means to help their kids attain a better life.

I sponsored my parents to come to America when I got my GC 4 years ago.

My sister's IL are very wealthy and generous. They fully paid for their big fancy wedding and all its expenses and she did not make any money and her husband does well but living in DC and their luxurious life does not let them save so much. She also gets expensive presents from them. They seem like lovely people all around and she is beyond lucky! She makes about 60k and her husband makes closer to 200k from what she has told me. She keeps saying she wants to draw boundaries and ensure her husband doesn't "get sucked into our family mess." She was also against me bringing my parents here as she did not want to shoulder the responsibility.

OP, it's not your sister's responsiblity to bail our your parents. They made mistakes...regardless of whether they were intentional or not. Do you parents own their mistakes, or do they feel entitled to guilt your sister although she is not responsible for them? She is correct to protect her nuclear family from this.