Siblings "marrying up" and fading away

[Anonymous]

OP, are your parents sending other relatives $? This could be causing strife with your sister. Tell them to stop. There are a lot of cultural differences to unpack between an UMC American upbringing and MC Zambian upbringing. Maybe your sister's marriage is not as secure as you think. Your sister may also be getting frequent requests from relatives for money, sponsorship, etc.

My advice: Don't tell your family members she is rich and tell your parents to stop telling family members she is rich. She needs some space, my guess is she will come around to helping support your parents when the s*** hits the fan.

One reason Americans are "rich" is because we focus financial support on our nuclear families.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to be frank, your sister doesn't give a sh*t about you. Stop trying to love her, she doesn't love you. She doesn't even think about you. She wouldn't miss you and your parents if you disappeared. People like your sister wish they could delete everything in the past that made them "low".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are your parents sending other relatives $? This could be causing strife with your sister. Tell them to stop. There are a lot of cultural differences to unpack between an UMC American upbringing and MC Zambian upbringing. Maybe your sister's marriage is not as secure as you think. Your sister may also be getting frequent requests from relatives for money, sponsorship, etc.

My advice: Don't tell your family members she is rich and tell your parents to stop telling family members she is rich. She needs some space, my guess is she will come around to helping support your parents when the s*** hits the fan.

One reason Americans are "rich" is because we focus financial support on our nuclear families.

This. Good advice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel justifiably hurt, and that's your reality. She, on the other hand, has her reality. You admitted yourself that there's a lot of strife, drama, and guilt-trips in your family. She may have been particularly hit hard by it all, and she's trying to control in one area she has control over, her new family life. Just b/c her ILs are better off financially doesn't mean they didn't deserve her affection. They may have shown her what a functional and calm family life looks like and she's trying to hold on to that and protect it.

I also can't wrap my mind around the fact that your parents were poor but somehow managed to send both of you to private school. Something is not adding up. And the guilt trips. It all does sound toxic.

+1

And the sister’s wealthy husband is not obligated to support his wife’s parents.

He makes 200k... if he’s here in the DC area, he isn’t wealthy.

Regardless, he is not obligated to support his in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are your parents sending other relatives $? This could be causing strife with your sister. Tell them to stop. There are a lot of cultural differences to unpack between an UMC American upbringing and MC Zambian upbringing. Maybe your sister's marriage is not as secure as you think. Your sister may also be getting frequent requests from relatives for money, sponsorship, etc.

My advice: Don't tell your family members she is rich and tell your parents to stop telling family members she is rich. She needs some space, my guess is she will come around to helping support your parents when the s*** hits the fan.

One reason Americans are "rich" is because we focus financial support on our nuclear families.

OP, if your parents have already put the word out to the entire extended family in Zambia that your sister is now rich, the damage there is done. I get how you could be frustrated that your parents truly could not eat (if that were the case) while your sister was planning a lavish wedding - but as many posters have said to you over and over again - this was not her money. Her in laws can spend their money how they please and your sister would have been incredibly out of line to ask for money from them to give to your parents.

Are you inlaws also from Zambia, or a similar place and have just been established in the states longer? Because if not, they would have no understanding of the cultural differences.

Your parents need to get some sort of jobs here and if they are sending a DIME back home to Zambia, that is not acceptable. At all. They are too poor to do that.

[Anonymous]

To OP, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Whomever is responding you seems like they have some issues they are trying to unload through your story. Things they seem to have bottled up, just as your sister has. I always think that the more people you can have in your corner the better, it's just very sad that others put themselves first and then blame others for keeping them at a place where they don't feel like a gigantic success. When if they just looked outward instead of just at themselves, they might find we all can do better and be more together than separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yes, I’ve experienced the same, coming from a LMC family with a single mother. Our late mother was a divorced R.N. who helped put three kids through college. My older brothers married into very wealthy families where the parents often “treated” them to cruises, rounds of golf, sailboat rides, nice dinners out, etc. Both brothers preferred spending time around their in-laws and tried to avoid gatherings with our mother and me. They claimed it was “depressing.” I really felt very badly for my mother; they really hurt her. She always said she was glad to have a daughter! I have two sons and I hope they will treat me better than my brothers treated my mom.

Awwww.

You sound like a sweet woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of ungrateful children on this post which I find sad. My mom was a single mom (not by choice) of seven and busted her immigrant butt to give us the best education. She’s not great with money and I always chose higher paying jobs so I could plan to help her. This was understood before marriage as I discussed it with my husband.

My sentiments exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds very hurtful and I am sorry. But why were you dumbstruck on what to say about your sister? Her MIL was telling you how much they love her. Why not respond with "thank you, we also think she's pretty amazing"? Was your relationship very close before?

OP here. I actually did. I said that was very kind of her to say and we love her very much too.

Internally, I was very hurt that while she has shown us such little regard, she is able to provide her best face forward to them.

I have occasionally asked her to chip in financially to help our parents as her husband/in laws are so wealthy she is more financially secure than I am. She says she wants to "protect her husband from her messy family" and she is not responsible for our parents bad choices and it is toxic of me to ask her for money.

I have now stopped and assist my parents however I can. I am disappointed and hurt by her behavior.

Wow! You think your sister should ask her husbands parents for money to support your parents?? Sorry, op, that would be very unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought one couldn’t sponsor parents until they get citizenship?!

Anyway, your family does sound like a lot of drama. Different people have different levels of tolerance to drama. Those who have low tolerance are often called selfish. Others who have high tolerance are enablers. You decide who each of you are.

I am seeing this quite a lot. My friend has a drama mama, her sister is enabling and codependent with mom, she on the other hand doesn’t want to be involved. It does look weird but I think it’s self preservation of sorts.

Also my parent always complain how my brother is so much closer to his ILs. Well they are normal people and my parents are crazy, sorry. He does try to help but they have a talent for making everything as difficult as possible.

OP here. This isn't drama, this was a matter of survival. My parents did not have money to survive in Zambia until I brought them over here so they had access to better health care, safe life and were closer to their children.

So you brought your impoverished parents here to suckle on the teet of America, to steal the healthcare that my family paid taxes for. Got it. You brought them here, your sister implored you not to. They are your responsibility. I’m guessing money stretches much further in Africa. Why didn’t you let them stay where the knew and send them money there? Based on your follow up, OP, I would absolutely want to stay clear of your toxicity if I were your sister.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think that your and your parents' actions make perfect sense within your cultural context. Your sister has taken on a different set of cultural values to an extent that your family may not have anticipated. "Independence" -- as much as possible -- is the end-all, be-all for us.

I am a black ADOS woman living in Europe. My parents raised me and my sisters in the suburbs, sent us to public schools, and always primed us to be ready to work to pay for college, our weddings, and anything else we wanted. Although they struggled after the financial crisis, they have never asked us to fill in the gaps. But everybody does so gladly.

I think all you can do is accept that your sister chose not to make financially supporting her parents a condition of her marriage. I'm sorry that the burden of caring for them falls to you alone, but have faith that things will get better for you one day.