Siblings "marrying up" and fading away

[Anonymous]

Has this happened to others too?

I saw that thread about the brother who is ignoring his own family and it struck a cord with me. My family and I grew up LMC and my poor hard working parents sacrificed a lot to give us MC-UMC opportunities regarding education. As a result of us not coming from money, my parents are now completely broke and struggling to pay bills. This has created a lot of family tension and my siblings and I cope with a lot of anxiety and depression and guilt over our penniless parents. There is a lot of strife and drama and guilt tripping sometimes by our parents themselves. But overall they are exceedingly kind and generous people who literally gave their all to us.

My one sister met and married a guy who in all respects is..."better" than us. Private school, Executive father, Glamorous UC upbringing and comforts. My sister is head over heels in love and is the consummate wife and daughter in law. When I first met his parents, her MIL gushed, "Larla is an ANGEL! She is perfection! You can take our son, but we will keep your sister!"

I was pretty dumbstruck as to what to say.Since she has pretty much ghosted us and our parents. Since meeting him she keeps saying our family is "toxic" and holds a grudge against our parents for things that were out of their control such as no retirement funds and sacrifices they had to make. We have a distant and polite relationship but meanwhile her social media feed is filled with her picture perfect husband and in laws.

I have made peace with her decision to distance herself from us but it still hurts.

[Anonymous]

Siblings can grow up with different experiences in the same family. Maybe your sister did not enjoy her childhood. My brother also feels our family of origin was "toxic". I didn't experience many of his complaints, but, I do try and respect that his feelings are not "wrong". It is okay to not be close with your sister.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds very hurtful and I am sorry. But why were you dumbstruck on what to say about your sister? Her MIL was telling you how much they love her. Why not respond with "thank you, we also think she's pretty amazing"? Was your relationship very close before?

[Anonymous]

My sister did not marry up but is still much closer to her inlaws than our family. Her husband is super nice, and is the only reason we hear from her at all. Who knows why. But my point is it does not necessarily have to do with marrying up. My guess is as others have said, she has a different memory of our childhood than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds very hurtful and I am sorry. But why were you dumbstruck on what to say about your sister? Her MIL was telling you how much they love her. Why not respond with "thank you, we also think she's pretty amazing"? Was your relationship very close before?

OP here. I actually did. I said that was very kind of her to say and we love her very much too.

Internally, I was very hurt that while she has shown us such little regard, she is able to provide her best face forward to them.

I have occasionally asked her to chip in financially to help our parents as her husband/in laws are so wealthy she is more financially secure than I am. She says she wants to "protect her husband from her messy family" and she is not responsible for our parents bad choices and it is toxic of me to ask her for money.

I have now stopped and assist my parents however I can. I am disappointed and hurt by her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds very hurtful and I am sorry. But why were you dumbstruck on what to say about your sister? Her MIL was telling you how much they love her. Why not respond with "thank you, we also think she's pretty amazing"? Was your relationship very close before?

OP here. I actually did. I said that was very kind of her to say and we love her very much too.

Internally, I was very hurt that while she has shown us such little regard, she is able to provide her best face forward to them.

I have occasionally asked her to chip in financially to help our parents as her husband/in laws are so wealthy she is more financially secure than I am. She says she wants to "protect her husband from her messy family" and she is not responsible for our parents bad choices and it is toxic of me to ask her for money.

I have now stopped and assist my parents however I can. I am disappointed and hurt by her behavior.

Did your parents make bad financial choices, OP? Or is your sister changing the narrative to suit herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds very hurtful and I am sorry. But why were you dumbstruck on what to say about your sister? Her MIL was telling you how much they love her. Why not respond with "thank you, we also think she's pretty amazing"? Was your relationship very close before?

OP here. I actually did. I said that was very kind of her to say and we love her very much too.

Internally, I was very hurt that while she has shown us such little regard, she is able to provide her best face forward to them.

I have occasionally asked her to chip in financially to help our parents as her husband/in laws are so wealthy she is more financially secure than I am. She says she wants to "protect her husband from her messy family" and she is not responsible for our parents bad choices and it is toxic of me to ask her for money.

I have now stopped and assist my parents however I can. I am disappointed and hurt by her behavior.

Did your parents make bad financial choices, OP? Or is your sister changing the narrative to suit herself?

OP here. My parents never made much money and came from very poor LMC backgrounds. My mother was a home maker and my dad worked and earned a small MC income at the height of his career. He used his income and took out loans to assist us with our schooling and college costs. If he had not done that we would not have been able to go to nice private schools.

Was it financially smart for him to do that? No. Did it help us attain MC-UMC status as adults? Absolutely. I owe everything to my parents and their generosity.

[Anonymous]

Is your sister older? She may have witnessed most of the poor financial decisions or bore the brunt of the awfulness that is growing up poor. It's very possible you had a positive childhood while your sister was looking to get out and now never wants to go back.

[Anonymous]

OP, you feel justifiably hurt, and that's your reality. She, on the other hand, has her reality. You admitted yourself that there's a lot of strife, drama, and guilt-trips in your family. She may have been particularly hit hard by it all, and she's trying to control in one area she has control over, her new family life. Just b/c her ILs are better off financially doesn't mean they didn't deserve her affection. They may have shown her what a functional and calm family life looks like and she's trying to hold on to that and protect it.

I also can't wrap my mind around the fact that your parents were poor but somehow managed to send both of you to private school. Something is not adding up. And the guilt trips. It all does sound toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds very hurtful and I am sorry. But why were you dumbstruck on what to say about your sister? Her MIL was telling you how much they love her. Why not respond with "thank you, we also think she's pretty amazing"? Was your relationship very close before?

OP here. I actually did. I said that was very kind of her to say and we love her very much too.

Internally, I was very hurt that while she has shown us such little regard, she is able to provide her best face forward to them.

I have occasionally asked her to chip in financially to help our parents as her husband/in laws are so wealthy she is more financially secure than I am. She says she wants to "protect her husband from her messy family" and she is not responsible for our parents bad choices and it is toxic of me to ask her for money.

I have now stopped and assist my parents however I can. I am disappointed and hurt by her behavior.

Did your parents make bad financial choices, OP? Or is your sister changing the narrative to suit herself?

OP here. My parents never made much money and came from very poor LMC backgrounds. My mother was a home maker and my dad worked and earned a small MC income at the height of his career. He used his income and took out loans to assist us with our schooling and college costs. If he had not done that we would not have been able to go to nice private schools.

Was it financially smart for him to do that? No. Did it help us attain MC-UMC status as adults? Absolutely. I owe everything to my parents and their generosity.

OP, plenty of us did not go to "nice private schools", just regular average publics, and still attained MC-UMC status. It sounds to me like a combination of things - your parents loved their kids and did their best, but you were raised in a high conflict home and they made poor financial choices, with their children being their retirement plan. Your sister has a right to her feelings about your parents just as you do, even if they don't align with yours.

I too have a close family member who has made poor financial choices. Unlike your sister, we have helped financially by making sure this person has a safe, albeit modest/small, place to live so they will never have to deal with homelessness or hunger. But beyond that? Not a penny. It's not my job to take from my children to enable this person's impulsiveness and shopping addiction.

If your father worked all his life, doesn't he get social security, at least? Don't they qualify for and utilize section 8 housing, food stamps, cheap/free healthcare?

[Anonymous]

It might have nothing to do with "marrying well" (ugh), she might have faded just because she got married.

[Anonymous]

What career does your sister have? Does she make a lot of money or is all her wealth from her DH?

B/c if you or your parents are always asking for financial help from her, and the wealth is really her DH, it will likely cause strife within her marriage and I would see why she avoids you.

I have a sibling who also didn’t succeed, and I married up, and she often both “subtly” (not really) and directly complains about money nonstop and asks for me to help her out. And while I make a good deal of money, spouse makes more and any money I give sibling means spouse has to work more or longer, and takes away from my own kids college savings etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your sister older? She may have witnessed most of the poor financial decisions or bore the brunt of the awfulness that is growing up poor. It's very possible you had a positive childhood while your sister was looking to get out and now never wants to go back.

This was my experience +1

I look back and help younger siblings who make the same disastrous decisions. Bug I can only take so much.

[Anonymous]

Your post explains it. They treat her wonderfully and love her, and all you have for her is disdain. Good for her for keeping her distance.

[Anonymous]

It was not right for your parents to depend on their kids in retirement. My parents were like this as well.

I did not ask to be sent to a private school, and was also a serious kid. I would have done just as well, if not better, in public school where I wasn't a poor outlier.

It would be best if you all could sit down with your parents, help them live with in their budget, and make up any money they need to live.

In your sister's case, if her money is her dhs money and not her own, her dh may have a much different view of how her parents spent their money and is not beholden to pay it back. The best she may be able to do is give them more expensive gifts that will help them in their daily lives-- large gift cards for groceries or gas or buy a new appliance or something for Christmas and their birthdays.