Siblings "marrying up" and fading away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don’t like you telling them how to spend their money. She doesn’t want you telling her, she doesn’t want your parents guilting her.

Leave the money out of it and you can have a good relationship with her again. You don’t know her finances or her marriage. It’s not your money to spend.

+1

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it is hard for non immigrants to understand your situation. I am an immigrant and know that my parents gave up a lot to give me and my sibling a better life, and I know that in repayment I am expected to help them out in old age. This is an unspoken agreement between immigrant parents and children, but it is not surprising for some of the children to resent the burden. I have made a lot of life decisions based on the fact that I will have to support my parents, I feel that I cannot move away from the area, that I have to maintain a certain income and save a lot of it.. stuff like that. It’s tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it is hard for non immigrants to understand your situation. I am an immigrant and know that my parents gave up a lot to give me and my sibling a better life, and I know that in repayment I am expected to help them out in old age. This is an unspoken agreement between immigrant parents and children, but it is not surprising for some of the children to resent the burden. I have made a lot of life decisions based on the fact that I will have to support my parents, I feel that I cannot move away from the area, that I have to maintain a certain income and save a lot of it.. stuff like that. It’s tough.

But doesn't that come with an expectation that the parents will.be reasonable and attempt to actually grapple with their problems and cooperate with their children's attempts to help? If they are guilt-tripping and demanding money but also being unreasonable and a pain to deal with, I can understand why your sister wants to set some boundaries OP.

[Anonymous]

OP your sister isn’t giving them money because it won’t fix the problem. I don’t blame her. They need to file for bankruptcy and come up with a sustainable way to live that’s not incurring more debt. If you had an actual plan that wasn’t throwing good money after bad, your sister would likely be more willing to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your sister isn’t giving them money because it won’t fix the problem. I don’t blame her. They need to file for bankruptcy and come up with a sustainable way to live that’s not incurring more debt. If you had an actual plan that wasn’t throwing good money after bad, your sister would likely be more willing to help.

This. What is the plan, just pay exorbitant interest on the debt forever and ever? Seems like a huge waste.

[Anonymous]

What do you think you are doing by constantly bailing them out without helping with a support system to fix the problem? You are an enabler. If you want to help, sit down with them and figure out a real plan that doesn’t just involve you shaming your sister for not enabling.

[Anonymous]

OP is it all one debt, or several? Maybe you can at least get your siblings.to help tackle the smallest debt together and pay it off completely. I agree that the lack of a real plan and throwing good money after bad is probably what's putting your sister off.

However, if your parents are unwilling or not capable enough to stick to a budget and live on what they have, nothing will ever fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are immigrants from Zambia. My mother never completed an education post middle school and my father was a mid level bureaucrat back there. They did what they could and sent us to local private schools and took out loans + scholarships for us to come to America. My other siblings are in the UK as well.

The problem is now my father is retired and he has a small pension and no savings as he spent it all plus amassed a lot of loans to send us abroad.

When did they/you move here? If they sent you to private schools here, I still wonder why it wouldn't have been more prudent to rent a smaller place in an adequate public school district. As for your mother, could she not have gotten her high school degree here? Plenty of immigrants without education find ways to work at least a little bit after their children are older or grown up. The bottom line is, your parents are the parents and it was their responsibility to make a lifelong plan that would be realistic. Not say oh well, it's out of our hands.

I think the best thing you can do is lay off your sister for a while, and focus on helping your parents get on a sustainable budget. Find as much benefits as you can in the public system. See if you can find them a cheaper place to live. When giving them gifts, try to give them something that is nice and they will enjoy, but is also something that they actually do need, because then they will not have that expense anymore.

OP here. I do not bring up money to my sister anymore and neither to my parents. I believe my mother has a few times asked her for money for their rent and she helped out here and there. I also help pay for their rent and bay them food. The big issue is their massive loans that they have not been able to pay back as interest keeps accumulating. I do not have 30k+ sitting in the bank to just hand to my parents and feel guilty as if they were in my place they probably would have. My parents grew up poor so they do not understand money or financial systems. For them it was all a means to help their kids attain a better life.

I sponsored my parents to come to America when I got my GC 4 years ago.

My sister's IL are very wealthy and generous. They fully paid for their big fancy wedding and all its expenses and she did not make any money and her husband does well but living in DC and their luxurious life does not let them save so much. She also gets expensive presents from them. They seem like lovely people all around and she is beyond lucky! She makes about 60k and her husband makes closer to 200k from what she has told me. She keeps saying she wants to draw boundaries and ensure her husband doesn't "get sucked into our family mess." She was also against me bringing my parents here as she did not want to shoulder the responsibility.

Living in DC area with an income of $260k will not be luxury. I am sure they are fine and have a nice house in Rockville or something, but around here that income is not "hand out 4-figure gifts to relatives" money.

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister and her husband make ~250,00-260,00 a year which, while certainly a decent income, by no means makes them rich living in the DC area. You acknowledge that your sister has helped your parents with rent on multiple occasions- what more are you expecting of her? Your in-laws money is not her money so the fact that they are wealthy and occasionally give her nice gifts is irrelevant. You can hardly expect her to ask them to help fund your parents retirement.

While your parents may have sacrificed for you and your siblings’ education that was their choice and it doesn’t make your sister (and by proxy her husband who apparently is the primary bread winner) permanently indebted to them.

[Anonymous]

Lots of ungrateful children on this post which I find sad. My mom was a single mom (not by choice) of seven and busted her immigrant butt to give us the best education. She’s not great with money and I always chose higher paying jobs so I could plan to help her. This was understood before marriage as I discussed it with my husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your sibling married someone whose parents were in even worse shape would you expect your parents to help them out?

Focus on making a realistic plan and dealing with your parents' debt and cost of living issues. That is the only way out of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of ungrateful children on this post which I find sad. My mom was a single mom (not by choice) of seven and busted her immigrant butt to give us the best education. She’s not great with money and I always chose higher paying jobs so I could plan to help her. This was understood before marriage as I discussed it with my husband.

That's the difference, your dh knew what the deal was. It sounds like OP's sister did not have that talk.

[Anonymous]

While I love my dad and he was a super awesome dad, he didn’t help around the house. He didn’t clean or cook. I made sure to marry a man who would clean and cook as well as be an awesome dad. I think men do more and more with each generation so it might not be a big deal. I feel like millennial men do so much more than our boomer parents. And my grandpas didn’t lift a finger in the 50s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I love my dad and he was a super awesome dad, he didn’t help around the house. He didn’t clean or cook. I made sure to marry a man who would clean and cook as well as be an awesome dad. I think men do more and more with each generation so it might not be a big deal. I feel like millennial men do so much more than our boomer parents. And my grandpas didn’t lift a finger in the 50s

Woah. I wasn’t even on this thread not sure how my response ended up here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of ungrateful children on this post which I find sad. My mom was a single mom (not by choice) of seven and busted her immigrant butt to give us the best education. She’s not great with money and I always chose higher paying jobs so I could plan to help her. This was understood before marriage as I discussed it with my husband.

That's the difference, your dh knew what the deal was. It sounds like OP's sister did not have that talk.

Sounds like your mom worked at a job. Unlike OP's mom.