Wife resents me for not earning more

[Anonymous]

wife should get a job with fewer hours that she likes more.

DH is a fed and I am thrilled that he has time, flexibility, stability and very good health benefits. He does a lot of the errands, doc appts, etc. I work more hours than he does and make less money, but I am not a miserable lawyer.

We do wish we had more $, but my god, I am not resentful of my spouse for it. It is what it is, but I never was under the illusion he would make a lot of money.

OP, your wife basically wants to work less and maintain an expensive standard of living. I guess she wishes you were the one who was miserable working all the time for more money so she doesn't have to be. Doesn't sound like a good partnership. I think you both need to have some big picture, what is most important conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

Fin Reg does not like remote workers, even today. You will need to plan to move back to DC for that.

OP here — there are regulators with offices in the city I live in.

I'm in NYC and I personally know a big Fin Reg guy who lives in our building.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting. She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her. So you no longer care about commutes and schools? Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post. FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue. It's a partnership. Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours.

NP. Adding to this - the wife's current salary doesn't even afford the expensive lifestyle that his wife wants. Making $400k does not buy a mcmansion and two BMWs every two years and european vacations and organic milk and fancy dinners out. It just doesn't. OP seems okay with less than that and making compromises. His wife wants more than that, and she didn't do that work to get to it.

[Anonymous]

Wife has old-fashioned ideas about gender roles. Agree there needs to be some tough conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting. She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her. So you no longer care about commutes and schools? Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post. FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue. It's a partnership. Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours.

Not sure what's "BS" - I'm pointing out that OP has shifted his explanation from "we want a house with a short commute and good schools" to "SHE wants it," which is something OPs tend to do when responses don't go the way they want. Also "lavish lifestyle" seems to be entirely your own editorializing. Based on his posts they've sold their house and downsized to a cheap apartment, she works longer hours than he does and make more money than he does, and her big wasteful expense is . . . preschool?

He said he wants to make more money at a financial regulator. When I said, okay, you should do that, they're hiring right now in droves, he says no. Then other people say "you probably won't be able to anyway, if you're outside DC," and his response is YES I CAN! So he wants it to be clear that this is an option available to him, but not actually make any moves toward it. She supported him when he took a step back to a lower paying job, and now he is refusing to do the same thing for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting. She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her. So you no longer care about commutes and schools? Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post. FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue. It's a partnership. Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours.

NP. Adding to this - the wife's current salary doesn't even afford the expensive lifestyle that his wife wants. Making $400k does not buy a mcmansion and two BMWs every two years and european vacations and organic milk and fancy dinners out. It just doesn't. OP seems okay with less than that and making compromises. His wife wants more than that, and she didn't do that work to get to it.

I can't tell if OP is sockpuppeting here and just forgetting he never said any of this to begin with, or this is just garden-variety misogyny.

[Anonymous]

TROLL.

Don't feed this POS TROLL.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why she can't drop down to a federal attorney position and maybe you get a transfer to HQ in DC once she lands that position.

Also, you guys are aggressively paying down the debt and that's great but it's causing stress so why not pay it down a little slower to make room for her to take a lower-paying job? You don't need to be on a 10 year plan, you can be on the 25 year repayment plan. That makes sense to me.

Two GS15/14 feds in the DC area can live pretty well, that's a little higher HHI than DW and I have. We live further out but with telework it's not really a big deal to commute in 2-3 days per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

Fin Reg does not like remote workers, even today. You will need to plan to move back to DC for that.

OP here — there are regulators with offices in the city I live in.

They are likely examiners not attornries but good luck with that brass ring. Everyone on DCUM wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why she can't drop down to a federal attorney position and maybe you get a transfer to HQ in DC once she lands that position.

Also, you guys are aggressively paying down the debt and that's great but it's causing stress so why not pay it down a little slower to make room for her to take a lower-paying job? You don't need to be on a 10 year plan, you can be on the 25 year repayment plan. That makes sense to me.

Two GS15/14 feds in the DC area can live pretty well, that's a little higher HHI than DW and I have. We live further out but with telework it's not really a big deal to commute in 2-3 days per week.

Yes. I am a stepped out GS-14 on a complex pay scale with bonuses and make $175k.

My spouse when Independent can make up to $500k. He was Independent for over a decade or more and it was not good for the family--the stress...which manifested in his personality over time, anger, entitlement, etc.

We did not need that kind of $. He finally made the realization that there are much more important things in life and thankfully realized it before our kids were fully grown and out of the house.

He is not a Fed, but became an employee instead of his own independent company. It dropped his salary closer to $250k--but the amount of time it's given back is priceless. He also can work at home anytime. Right now he is every day. The hours are much shorter. He never made family dinner prior.

Growing up very poor, my husband saw his worth in $ figures only. He had something to prove and became blind-sided. It didn't make him happier, just way more stress and less time for anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Holy cow, was not expecting all that. Some more info, in response to all the questions:

There is a light at the end of the tunnel financially. Our debt is down from 300k to 60k, our youngest will be out of daycare in a year and a half, so that will certainly be a gusher of money (roughly 3500 in take home pay back in our pockets per month). We have dramatically downsized our life, selling a home we were house poor in (another bad decision), and renting an apt instead. Housing costs extremely low. Plus in our defense, we have no credit card debt and both have near perfect credit scores.

What’s the source of our financial stress now? Just affording a down payment and monthly payments on a home in a major east coast city with schools we love and a commute that won’t crush us. What everyone wants. The telework may mitigate the third issue somewhat. Also need to save for college.

Re my wife’s expectations before getting married, this is a major source of my resentment. She never communicated in any way that she’d want to be part-time or stay at home, and that she’d want to marry a primary breadwinner. And I never held myself out as that type. But in fairness to her, we were both clueless about what life would be like with kids, and she probably just didn’t know that about herself. But her criticisms really sting —- I graduated near the top of my class from a good law school, and when I see classmates make partner and provide for their families it really makes me feel terrible. It makes me realize that I wouldn’t blame women for marrying for money. But on the flip side, I am have reasonable options to advance in government beyond a GS-15 (either SES or with a financial regulator, given my area of specialization), and I can see a higher ceiling to my earnings. Just not enough, I guess.

As for housework, look it varies based on how busy we are (remember, I do have a full-time job), so I’d say my median contribution to household and kid tasks is somewhere near 60%, much higher when her work is insane and lower when mine gets busy, which it does sometimes.

You should apply for fin reg jobs now (there are more openings than I've ever seen, and if you have experience and are already a fed you'll have a leg up). She should also be looking for a fed job, unless you're waiting one more bonus cycle or something. This combo of moves (you at SEC or something, her as a GS-14 in some non-frantic agency) effectively flips your income situation, which is what she says she wants, while keeping you in the exact job trajectory you state that you want. It's not clear to me why the obvious solution is brought up as a "sometime, eventually, maybe" instead of "this is what we're doing."

You started off this thread saying she resents you and you feel shame, now you're saying you resent her. If your marriage is worth more than $60k, you need to make some changes. You might not end up in North Arlington but there are plenty of places where two feds can afford a house and good public schools within commuting distance.

I'll say this just because I haven't seen it mentioned: you quit biglaw because it was killing you and went to a GS-13, which is a huge paycut, even though you guys had huge student loans outstanding. That was the right choice for you in every personal way based on what you've said about it - you love your job, it has a good work/life balance, you can see an upward path for your career. Your wife also left a job that she hated, but for more money, and it didn't work out as well for her. But now she feels like taking a paycut isn't a viable option for her - the new job is incredibly stressful, but you have much higher expenses now than when you made the "lean out" decision, there are kids to think about. It's not your fault that she feels stuck, but it would be helpful if you understood why she does and were able to validate that feeling. You got to make the "financially irresponsible" choice of taking a paycut and have reaped benefits, but she feels like that choice is not available to her because you have kids now. This is a situation you can fix as a team, but you need to be working as a team. Make sure she knows you support her taking a step back to a lower paying job, and that you have plans (even if they're long-term) to increase your income.

+1 This is well said.

I've lost a lot of sympathy for OP based on his subsequent posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting. She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her. So you no longer care about commutes and schools? Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post. FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue. It's a partnership. Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours.

Not sure what's "BS" - I'm pointing out that OP has shifted his explanation from "we want a house with a short commute and good schools" to "SHE wants it," which is something OPs tend to do when responses don't go the way they want. Also "lavish lifestyle" seems to be entirely your own editorializing. Based on his posts they've sold their house and downsized to a cheap apartment, she works longer hours than he does and make more money than he does, and her big wasteful expense is . . . preschool?

He said he wants to make more money at a financial regulator. When I said, okay, you should do that, they're hiring right now in droves, he says no. Then other people say "you probably won't be able to anyway, if you're outside DC," and his response is YES I CAN! So he wants it to be clear that this is an option available to him, but not actually make any moves toward it. She supported him when he took a step back to a lower paying job, and now he is refusing to do the same thing for her.

+1 Agree.

OP keeps shifting his story. I suspect now that his wife probably does a lot more of the work at home than OP acknowledges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I should have mentioned that we don’t live in DC anymore - moved for her job. Still in another major east coast city. That complicates her ability to just dive back into Uncle Sam, and to some extent makes my lateral moving ability more complicated, but it’s not a deal breaker. I am currently gaining the management and financial chops to become competitive for SES and fin reg, but that will take a couple of years of expertise building and networking. My point was that my earnings ceiling has not been reached. My agency in particular is not DC-centric and won’t block advancement opps just because I am not at HQ.

I realize the root of our problem is in many years of bad financial decisions, a hole that we are just now digging out of. Another part of my resentment is that my wife’s lifestyle desires drive a lot of our stress — they’re not mine. She won’t compromise on the caliber of preschool we put our kids in, insists on organic milk every time, only gets excited by homes that around $1M in cost (in the good school, good commute neighborhoods in our city). So just to be clear, the lifestyle creep is not being driven by me. She needs to sort out of what she wants in life, and not live in eternal bitterness and anger at me for not being able to rescue her. But I understand her resentment at its core and a lot of the above comments make sense.

The resentment has ebbs and flows. When her work is manageable, we chug along ok. But she’s in fire drill land, I become the proxy emotional target for all the things in life she’s frustrated about.

She won't compromise on schools, food quality, etc because it's a proxy for parenting. She feels guilty about not being around more and is trying to make sure that everything she can control is the best available.

You stated upthread that your financial stressors are that you want a house in a good school zone with a short commute and now you're putting that on her. So you no longer care about commutes and schools? Instead of taking anything away from the comments in this thread with advice to try to actually improve your situation, you're pivoting further into "she's the one to blame" with every post. FTR, you applying for jobs (the jobs you've already said you plan to apply for, but now that it could actually help your marriage: "no, that's later") to make more money so she can lean out the way that you already have is not a rescue. It's a partnership. Unless you're willing to say that she's currently "rescuing" you with her higher salary?

I thought the people calling you whiny were projecting, but you're devolving into someone it's hard to pity.

That's bs. Two GS-15 type salaries could buy a very comfortable life including good schools, short commute, etc. Even if OP's wife halves her salary, they would still be fine.

OP seems fine with downsizing to prioritize what's important to the family (i.e. smaller/older house for a shorter commute).

OP's wife wants a more expensive lifestyle but wants him to provide it. No one is entitled to a lavish lifestyle that they can't or aren't willing earn for themselves.

She has to decide if she wants a lower paying job with a better work life balance or a more expensive lifestyle that requires a stressful job with longer hours.

NP. Adding to this - the wife's current salary doesn't even afford the expensive lifestyle that his wife wants. Making $400k does not buy a mcmansion and two BMWs every two years and european vacations and organic milk and fancy dinners out. It just doesn't. OP seems okay with less than that and making compromises. His wife wants more than that, and she didn't do that work to get to it.

I can't tell if OP is sockpuppeting here and just forgetting he never said any of this to begin with, or this is just garden-variety misogyny.

[Anonymous]

OP i really think couples therapy is absolutely necessary. You and your wife are not on the same page in terms of life goals and it's causing many issues and resentment between both of you. Someone to help you talk those things through and get on the same page could be really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sees my schedule and resents me, saying she wishes she could have a job with work-life balance like me, or just quit and rejuvenate for a little bit, or else find some part-time gig (salary be damned), but feels trapped because we couldn’t meet our financial goals on my 160k salary. She very clearly resents me for it — she said she appreciates all the work I do around the house and the time I devote to kids, but that she wishes our roles were essentially reversed; she said she’s dying inside not spending more time with kids, and feels her health is suffering from constant stress.

I desperately want her to be happy and at peace and not stressed, and feel ashamed that somehow I am the cause of her unhappiness.

You are not the cause of her unhappiness. She is responsible for her own career happiness - *she* chose law school, *she* chose debt, *she* took this in-house job.

She directs her resentment at you because if you made more money, she would have more freedom - that's true - but you are not responsible for making more money. She is responsible for achieving her desired work-life balance.

If she likes the work she does substantively speaking, and if she does good work, she can either make it work with her current employer, or find a different employer.

She needs to have a work/life discussion with her employer for starters, and maybe a WFH discussion as well as - eventually - perhaps a part-time option discussion. She needs to subscribe to job opportunities newsletters including ones for in-house positions (many of which are remote/telework).

I speak from experience as a lawyer married to a teacher. I talked to my employer, I took regular mental health days, I worked part-time for awhile. Fixing my own resentment was on ME.