Disagreement About Childcare

[Anonymous]

First, your husband is either breaking the law by discussing top secret things at home on a nonsecure phone or he is over inflating his job to you. Running a few government programs doesn’t mean that he is handling the nuclear codes.

It really sounds like he just doesn’t want another adult and your child in the house all day.

Just do a daycare or a small home daycare, but stop blaming this on your husband’s job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never seen a DH try and come up with so many excuses to get his wife to quit her job.

Confidential info! Firearms! Covid!

He is full of crap about all of this and clearly just wants you to quit your job. Hard stop.

Why does he want you to quit your job so badly? That's the real question.

OP here. He only wants me to quit my job with the pandemic. We are trying for a second child and ideally I would go back after maternity leave. That is his logic. We have enough in savings for me to stay home. I don’t love my job, but we need it for our long term financial goals.

[Anonymous]

Why does he not want to do daycare? Because of covid?

I don't see why you wouldn't just keep doing what you're doing then put the kids in daycare in say, May, when things are a bit better covid wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he not want to do daycare? Because of covid?

I don't see why you wouldn't just keep doing what you're doing then put the kids in daycare in say, May, when things are a bit better covid wise.

OP here. He doesn’t want our child in daycare because of Covid. We had in daycare in daycare before the pandemic.

[Anonymous]

OP's original question was: "How do you come to agreement?"

OP - any marital advice or counselor worth anything agrees that for these big changes that materially impact the other spouse, either partner gets veto power.

Example: One spouse wants to have another baby, and the other does not? Does not matter how bad either one's rationale is.... the person who does NOT want the baby (the change) always "wins out".

Example: One spouse wants to move to a new city, and the other does not? Does not matter how bad either one's rationale is.... the person who does NOT want to move (the change) always wins out.

Example: One spouse their job and wants to quit to something slightly lower paying. The person who wants to quit DOES get power to make this decision themselves, because it won't materially impact the other spouse.

In your example, your DH wants you to quit your job. You do not want to quit. There is no agreement to come to. YOU have veto power over this decision, because he cannot make a decision for your family that is a material change for you and something you don't want. Hard stop.

[Anonymous]

Something smells worse than 3-day old fish here. If your husbands job is all that secret how is he even allowed to work from home?

[Anonymous]

OP here. The other nanny or nanny share issue is we don’t know anyone here. We moved for his job here a year ago and haven’t met anyone. By the time we were settled, Covid hit. We don’t really want our child in a strangers home without cameras everywhere to monitor him.

My husband isn’t CIA or anything but he managed a handful of programs for our government. He even goes to the end of our home ( we live in a condo) when he gets certain calls. We also know some nannies didn’t feel comfortable with firearms ( we have 5) in the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he not want to do daycare? Because of covid?

I don't see why you wouldn't just keep doing what you're doing then put the kids in daycare in say, May, when things are a bit better covid wise.

OP here. He doesn’t want our child in daycare because of Covid. We had in daycare in daycare before the pandemic.

Yes but you said grandparents are watching your toddler now, right? Can you keep doing that for a few more months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What job does he have that he cannot have a Nanny in his home?

He should not force you to quite if you do not need to, Either find a share in someone elses home, or do daycare.

OP here. My husband works for the federal government and is on the phone all day talking about very top every information. He does not feel comfortable having someone in the home who could possibly overhead certain things. He’s not a spy or anything, but he manages a handful of programs for the government.

Sounds like he has an inflated sense of how secret or important his job is. Nobody who works with very top secret info is working at home right now...just tell him he’s full of it amd hire a nanny

[Anonymous]

Don't quit. It puts you in a terrible position going forward. You have a solution to the problem - it is daycare. If he doesn't like that solution it is on him to figure out a different solution that doesn't involve you quitting.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you know what your husband does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something smells worse than 3-day old fish here. If your husbands job is all that secret how is he even allowed to work from home?

OP here. It’s not super top secret. He’s not CIA or anything, but he doesn’t want a nanny in our home. He used to work in the field and this is his first desk job. He would be in the office ( sometimes goes in) if it weren’t for the pandemic. Part of it is he just doesn’t want someone in our house.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why this is a problem at this moment. Your child is a year old right now, yes? What have you been doing for the past 8 months? Why can't you keep doing that for a few more months till we're over the worst of this?

You are trying for a second, not pregnant yet? So by the time your maternity leave is over, covid will be under control and a daycare will be just fine, so your other child can go to daycare no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you know what your husband does?

OP here. Yes. I found out before we got married.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is full of shit about how important his job is and irrational