Reply to Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think I understand, op.  Your husband is picking up extra shifts maybe or maybe not without your awareness and then he has a history of doing random errands and favors for friends.  Who are these friends?  Why do they feel they can take advantage of your husband?  And, why does your husband feel he can take advantage of you?  If he was a single parent he’d have to be avaiable to pick up and care for his children.  He wouldn’t be able to just leave his kids to go help another adult on a whim.

I’d also bet that he isn’t a good husband to you, people who give and give and give to others often don’t have anything left for their families.  They will happily help a friend move, then refuse to get their spouse something they really enjoy from Starbucks, or they will drive a friend all over town and then complain when their spouses asks them to load the dishwasher.  It’s not a fun way to live, especially when the world goes on and on about how giving and kind the person you are married to is.

Also, it’s difficult to enjoy family time or sexy time or any kind of time.  You don’t know when a nice afternoon or evening will be interupted by “Jack, can you…”

These “friends” also make the spouse who stays home feel like a raging bitch if they express any displeasure or annoyance, after all he’s your husband, you can see him anytime.  Well, I could if people demanding things didn’t call at literally all hours of the day and night.

I’d also suggest that this sort of behavior is much harder to deal with since cell phones happened.  There is no way to get away from the phone calls, the texts, the discussions.  People expect to get hold of whoever they want instantly.  It’s no longer possible to go to a movie or out to dinner or anyplace and get away from the phone.  It’s no longer possible to hide a phone or have the cat “accidentally” knock it off the cradle.  Also, since cell phones are personal, i.e. tied to one person only, the people calling know they won’t get the wife whow ill say “No, I’m sorry, not today dear”.

Point being, the helping friends now has the potential to ruin a marriage.  Nobody wants to be viewed as selfish.  The awareness of abuse has primed people to regard anything that smells of “I don’t like these friends” as isolating and abusive.  There is no way to even really talk about appropriate boundaries.

As for the money, what exactly is he spending it on?  Do you get any enjoyment from what you call toys?  Be careful in your thinking.  I bought a nice keurig that my husband didn’t think we needed. He uses it every day.

Before you jump on your husband’s spending, make sure that you aren’t even looking at what he’s bought and thinking “Wow, that looks nice”?

You two need to probably talk about spending.  I don’t care how you divide up your expenses since it is all marital property and marital money anyway.

You two do need to talk about what you spend and when.

[/quote]

Ironically, he is willing to do any favors I ask of him. He's a super people pleaser except when it comes to his schedule and being home more and I can't figure it out.
I've asked him point blank if he had hidden debt and he said no. I believe him because it would have showed up on his credit report when we bought our home 5 years ago.
He just spends his money recklessly.

You are however, spot on regarding the rest.

In the course of 10 years he's bought 5 cars. Had I not stopped him, this number would have been much higher. But 3 of them were hidden purchases and 3 of them he definitely didn't need. He also buys things to enhance the cars. That's one of his hobbies. He also helps others enhance their cars and is never forthcoming about whether they pay for their own supplies. They never pay for his time. I used to assume that the people did until one time I overheard someone saying that they still needed to pay him back for xyz part and he said "don't worry about it".

One year he would go to a family members shop and work on cars there on the weekend, but I made a fuss about it because I then had to watch the kids alone while he did this, he started taking our older DC with him. He'd say they were going for a ride or to run errands and DC would come back and tell me how they were actually at the shop or at someone's home working on their car!

He has a huge family and network of associates so he gets calls for everything and no one cares that he's a husband with 2 young children. He is the first person that everyone calls for everything and I think that he likes it. He never ignores a phone call. His phone literally rings all day with people asking him for favors. I am always the bad guy because since I've instituted boundaries, when someone asks him to do something he says he needs to ask me first and then goes back and says no. It's not fair to make me the bad guy, but I'm honestly just happy that he's finally saying no sometimes.
 
I think over the course of several years I've forgotten a lot because I've just been pushing through and dealing with it, but when I sit down and recap I realize how bad it all is. And this isn't even the half. Sigh. We definitely need therapy.[/quote]

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