Mommas, don't let your sons grow up to be assholes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and I did not shovel today because I was inside watching our 20 month old (who HATES the snow), doing laundry for the family, and making dinner. DH did the shoveling. I think most couples divide labor, no? So if the men in OP's neighborhood were out shoveling, I'm going to assume that their wives weren't inside eating bon bons. The OP doesn't have anyone to share household labor with.

I think part of the problem is that ppl just don't know their neighbors anymore, so they don't feel a sense of obligation to help out.

Our next door neighbor (a man) has a pacemaker so we ALWAYS shovel for him. He's not elderly and doesn't seem unhealthy, but we are friendly with him so we just know his situation. If we had a single mom in our neighborhood who was out there shoveling with her young child, of course we'd help. If she had help from a teenager, then maybe not, but who watches a woman shovel for hours with her 6 year old and doesn't offer to help?

I agree that chivalry is dead and your neighbors are assholes.

I stayed in today and did the same things as you (i.e., take care of dd and chores). However, I stayed in because I am pregnant and cannot balance on the snow/ice. Compared to what my husband did, it was eating bon bons. You severely underestimate the physical effort required in the shoveling, which you didn't do, but somehow expect these men who have already shoveled one driveway to do. It makes me uncomfortable to hear these men called assholes (except for the guy with the comment) when many criticizing weren't out there today simultaneously sweating and shivering.

That said, OP, I can completely understand the despair as you saw the plow undo your work. You said you were a nurse -- thanks for going into work tomorrow -- it helps all of us.

WHY is there so much back and forth about who had it harder????
The OP should have been offered help and no one did. Period, the end.

It's not about who had it harder (i.e., staying v. shoveling). It's about the reasonableness of expecting someone to put in hours of physical labor that the first poster did not do herself. It's easy for me to say -- of course someone should help OP -- but the reality is that if she were my neighbor I would not have been able to.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but if you physically weren't able to help her then you probably weren't standing around watching her and making comments about all the work she had before her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I am a woman and I did not shovel today because I was inside watching our 20 month old (who HATES the snow), doing laundry for the family, and making dinner. DH did the shoveling. I think most couples divide labor, no? [/b] So if the men in OP's neighborhood were out shoveling, I'm going to assume that their wives weren't inside eating bon bons. The OP doesn't have anyone to share household labor with.

I think part of the problem is that ppl just don't know their neighbors anymore, so they don't feel a sense of obligation to help out.

Our next door neighbor (a man) has a pacemaker so we ALWAYS shovel for him. He's not elderly and doesn't seem unhealthy, but we are friendly with him so we just know his situation. If we had a single mom in our neighborhood who was out there shoveling with her young child, of course we'd help. If she had help from a teenager, then maybe not, but who watches a woman shovel for hours with her 6 year old and doesn't offer to help?

I agree that chivalry is dead and your neighbors are assholes.

Hmmm...I did the majority of shoveling, the majority of watching my son (as he whined because I was shoveling and not playing with him) and made dinner and did launry. I think I need to re-calculate the ol division of labor.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who stayed in and watched our child, cooked, and did laundry while DH shoveled. When he came back in I gave him a backrub, gave the kids a bath, and put them to bed while DH watched the Superbowl completely alone. Does that make it more even?

[Anonymous]

"Anonymous wrote:
It definitely would have been nice for someone to help. But to expect it and be pissed off because no one did is out of line. This is the worst snow that most of us have ever seen and for most of us, it was all we could do to get our own families shoveled out, if we even accomplished that. As much as we would have liked, we didn't have it in us to shovel out the neighbor. After spending my six plus hour shoveling, I might have been able to muster the energy to shovel out an elderly or infirmed neighbor, but not an able bodied one.

You're a beacon of virtue."


I don't think I deserve your scorn. I may not be a beacon of virtue, but then most of us are not - even those who say they would have helped OP. I am a single mom of three and had to rely on my elementary kids to watch the baby so that I could do my six plus hours of shoveling. And, even though I am in better shape than most people I know, this snow kicked my butt. So, yes, I would have found the resources to help someone truly in need. But OP does not fit that bill.

[Anonymous]

Our neighborhood helped everyone out. My next door neighbor is a single woman and my dh shoveled her walkway and today some other guys helped her clear her car out. I was inside cooking for my dh and neighbor and watching my kid. I could have shoveled or cooked. I chose to cook.

I definitely would have expected and asked for help from neighbors especially men who were already out there. And I certainly would have cried if a plow came by and wiped out all the work I had done. But, I think the wives are bitches too for not getting there husbands to help. I made sure my dh helped out my neighbor.

[Anonymous]

I think people are missing some important points that OP said that lead her to be annoyed at her neighbors:

---she had already been shoveling for hours, doing her part, when the snowplow jammed up her driveway but nobody else's.

---she has helped out her neighbors in other ways (babysitting) on numerous occasions.

---male neighbors were coming by with jokes about how she needed help and her son wasn't helping, but no one offered to help her. They didn't sound exhausted after their day's of work, they sounded jovial.

OP, perhaps they really are asshats and not thoughtful. I certainly would be really frustrated if I were you. But maybe they are also just super-clueless. Perhaps they think you are so capable on your own that you don't need help. It doesn't excuse them not offering, but maybe their mindset is that you are pretty independent and don't need help. Just an idea.

[Anonymous]

I find few people with good manners in the US. It's along the lines of people (men & women) not giving up their seats for pregnant ladies, elderly, and disabled on the metrol

[Anonymous]

My parents had no power, so they stayed with us last night, and returned home this morning to find that their car had been cleared and their driveway shoveled. They don't know who did it (many of their neighbors are older than they are), but someone was kind enough to do it.

Most people have been very kind and helpful during this storm, and I feel for OP that her neighbors are douches. Not everyone is.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really sorry your neighbors are jerks.

Everyone in our neighborhood has been out helping each other dig out. The few who have snowblowers are sharing them with those who don't. I saw at least four teenage boys going around with shovels yesterday (and not expecting to be paid). My next-door neighbor is a single mom with 2 small boys, and one of the first things I did on Saturday was call to see she needed anything and tell her to come over to my house with her boys any time if she needed a break or change of scenery. My husband borrowed a snowblower and went over and cleared her driveway. I think people are generally nice and willing to help in these situations; I'm sorry that wasn't your experience. Are you new to the neighborhood or do you not really know anyone? Maybe it is worth the time to try to build some relationships with some of the neighbors?

I wish you lived in my neighborhood - we would have shoveled you out!

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. Your neighbors sound like jerks!! I was amazed by how helpful our neighbors were with each other these last few storms. I'm so sorry your neighbors weren't as kind.

That said, why didn't you just ask for help? Especially when they opened the door by commenting? I definitely would have said something like, "I know -- isn't it crazy? Do you have a few minutes to help? There's no way I'll be able to do this myself."

What's the worst they can say? And if they say yes, everyone wins. You get help and they undoubtedly would feel a bit smaller for not having offered . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but if you physically weren't able to help her then you probably weren't standing around watching her and making comments about all the work she had before her.

Agreed. This is the crux of it for me. Can't or don't want to help? Listen, I totally understand. But don't stand there and make cracks while I'm slogging through that snow... after what sounds like one hell of day, it would definitely push me over the edge.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Well, my crappy weekend ended well today. The 12 yr old boys who live on the next street over did come over and shoveled nearly all of the snow for me. I was speechless when my friend dropped my son and I off tonight. We went to pay the boys and when we got to one of their homes (they were both there), they said I didn't need to pay them. I said that of course I was going to pay them since it must have taken them hrs to shovel all of that snow. They said it took them about 3-4 hrs total to shovel it. They said that their moms told them to get out of the house and be useful everyday they were off school. They were so nonchalant about all of the work. I thanked them profusely and I said I would get them dinner since we were on our way out to Mc Donald's. I feel a lot more hopeful than I did yesterday. I hope my son will have the same attitude as those boys.

BTW- Some posters said that I should make it a point to get to know my neighbors. I know all of them very well except the two single men who moved in over the summer. These men were my husband's friends. They went fishing and golfing together all the time. One of them is my son's godfather (the one who made the remark about my son not helping out). Last night, my neighbor (the mom) called to invite us to their Superbowl party. She apologized that her husband came inside w/o helping me. She said she didn't know about the snow until she came out to get her kids off the sledding hill at dinner time. We didn't go to the party b/c I had to get up early. I am glad to read some of the posts that showed that neighbors do care about their neighbors. I guess I am lucky to have some nice boys one street over to thank for being able to get my car out tomorrow. It is just a shame that the grown men who live next to me are so clueless.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP. Sometimes all you need is a little dose of hope....or help! Take care-

[Anonymous]

I don't agree that it makes someone an asshole because they don't offer to help...though it would be nice if they did offer. If the neighbor were infirm or old, that would be one thing. But we all have driveways and it is a lot of work for everyone with this much snow. We usually help our older neighbor, but I don't think I'd feel the same way about a young person -- male or female -- just because they live by themselves. With this storm, my DH had recently thrown out his back and I'm pregnant. No one offered to help us -- we just had to pay someone.