Mommas, don't let your sons grow up to be assholes

[Anonymous]

OP, that blows. I know our plowing people have plowed in our driveway every single time they have been by this winter. My husband has done the bulk of the shoveling and snow blowing and he has been frustrated by clearing out the driveway only to have it plowed back in again.

Here is another wrinkle to the subject. When any of us do receive unsolicited from someone whether we are a single mom, dad, whatever, accept it graciously and say thank you. During a lesser snow than this one, I sent my husband over to the home of a friend who was pregnant and whose husband was deployed so that he could clear her driveway. He cleared her whole driveway and knocked on her door to let her know he was leaving and was putting the shovel in her carport. She did not even say thank you. And in fact she acted like she was mad that he had come over to shovel her driveway. Never said thank you to me or apologized for being an ass to him. Nothing. I certainly was not going to ask my husband to go over and help her out again after that.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman and I did not shovel today because I was inside watching our 20 month old (who HATES the snow), doing laundry for the family, and making dinner. DH did the shoveling. I think most couples divide labor, no? So if the men in OP's neighborhood were out shoveling, I'm going to assume that their wives weren't inside eating bon bons. The OP doesn't have anyone to share household labor with.

I think part of the problem is that ppl just don't know their neighbors anymore, so they don't feel a sense of obligation to help out.

Our next door neighbor (a man) has a pacemaker so we ALWAYS shovel for him. He's not elderly and doesn't seem unhealthy, but we are friendly with him so we just know his situation. If we had a single mom in our neighborhood who was out there shoveling with her young child, of course we'd help. If she had help from a teenager, then maybe not, but who watches a woman shovel for hours with her 6 year old and doesn't offer to help?

I agree that chivalry is dead and your neighbors are assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and I did not shovel today because I was inside watching our 20 month old (who HATES the snow), doing laundry for the family, and making dinner. DH did the shoveling. I think most couples divide labor, no? So if the men in OP's neighborhood were out shoveling, I'm going to assume that their wives weren't inside eating bon bons. The OP doesn't have anyone to share household labor with.

I think part of the problem is that ppl just don't know their neighbors anymore, so they don't feel a sense of obligation to help out.

Our next door neighbor (a man) has a pacemaker so we ALWAYS shovel for him. He's not elderly and doesn't seem unhealthy, but we are friendly with him so we just know his situation. If we had a single mom in our neighborhood who was out there shoveling with her young child, of course we'd help. If she had help from a teenager, then maybe not, but who watches a woman shovel for hours with her 6 year old and doesn't offer to help?

I agree that chivalry is dead and your neighbors are assholes.

I agree with your points about the need for neighbors to help each other out. But you are letting the women off the hook. Either they should have helped or, if they were doing division of labor, then they should have spoken up and put their husbands on the job instead of watching from the window. If the guys weren't willing to do it, they could easily have told them to take the kids while they grab a shovel.

My wife and I took turns because there was too much to do between our shoveling, the families around us and the elderly gentleman at the end of the street. So after 3-4 hours we would switch and I took the 2 year old and 2 month old while she went out to dig. One or the other of us was shoveling probably for 12 hours today. I admire her for being willing to pick up a shovel and if it was her writing this post, she would rip into a street where not one woman picked up a shovel except for this single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents, please teach your girls to grow up to be women to ASK.

First rule of business school, ask. A lot of women don't get what they want (whether raises or orgasms) because they are afraid to speak up and ask specifically what they want.

OP, I agree that the men should have helped, but I also think that you might have asked. Now, if after asking the men refused to help, then they would surely deserve to be called asshats.

Or teach them to shovel. As soon as you define jobs as "men's work", you inevitably define others as "women's work".

[Anonymous]

Let me be another to add that chivalry is dead and those neighbors in particular behaved like asshats.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry for that awful experience. And yes, I would have cried, too.

I am a single mommy and our neighbors have simply been terrific during this weekend's deluge. Calls and offers of help and one even fetched something at the store and then refused to take my money. We know that we are very blessed.

I am wondering 1f these people always act this nasty to you. Maybe come spring you and family could hold a little gathering for your neighbors - give them the benefit of the doubt and hope a party will let you all get to know one another a little better. If, however, they have always acted like this, maybe you need to think about moving. I depend on my community and it really sounds like you cannot depend on them.

Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

One of the hard things about being a single parent is occasionally feeling like you do everything by yourself and sometimes feeling a little resentful about it...because you DO do everything by yourself. OP, I hope tonight you can relax a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and I did not shovel today because I was inside watching our 20 month old (who HATES the snow), doing laundry for the family, and making dinner. DH did the shoveling. I think most couples divide labor, no? So if the men in OP's neighborhood were out shoveling, I'm going to assume that their wives weren't inside eating bon bons. The OP doesn't have anyone to share household labor with.

I think part of the problem is that ppl just don't know their neighbors anymore, so they don't feel a sense of obligation to help out.

Our next door neighbor (a man) has a pacemaker so we ALWAYS shovel for him. He's not elderly and doesn't seem unhealthy, but we are friendly with him so we just know his situation. If we had a single mom in our neighborhood who was out there shoveling with her young child, of course we'd help. If she had help from a teenager, then maybe not, but who watches a woman shovel for hours with her 6 year old and doesn't offer to help?

I agree that chivalry is dead and your neighbors are assholes.

I stayed in today and did the same things as you (i.e., take care of dd and chores). However, I stayed in because I am pregnant and cannot balance on the snow/ice. Compared to what my husband did, it was eating bon bons. You severely underestimate the physical effort required in the shoveling, which you didn't do, but somehow expect these men who have already shoveled one driveway to do. It makes me uncomfortable to hear these men called assholes (except for the guy with the comment) when many criticizing weren't out there today simultaneously sweating and shivering.

That said, OP, I can completely understand the despair as you saw the plow undo your work. You said you were a nurse -- thanks for going into work tomorrow -- it helps all of us.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if the OP is describing the plow dumping the whole cul-de-sac's snow in front of only her driveway.

If that is accurate I really don't think it has a darn thing to do with male/female/feminism -- a kind human should be helping their neighbor dig back out.

[Anonymous]

You know, I did not lift a shovel today, although I was not eating bon bons. DH and a good friend of his who is visiting did. They shoveled our walkway, sidewalk and cars, and helped with the neighbors on both sides, both single, older women, one of whose son was there shoveling. If OP had lived on our block, both DH and his friend (and other neighbors) would have offered to help. DH also opens doors for women, and generally has very good manners that were pounded into him by my MIL. OP is right, a lot of this comes down to how you were raised and I am with her, these men should have offered. They saw enough to make wisecracks about it, they have no excuse.

[Anonymous]

It definitely would have been nice for someone to help. But to expect it and be pissed off because no one did is out of line. This is the worst snow that most of us have ever seen and for most of us, it was all we could do to get our own families shoveled out, if we even accomplished that. As much as we would have liked, we didn't have it in us to shovel out the neighbor. After spending my six plus hour shoveling, I might have been able to muster the energy to shovel out an elderly or infirmed neighbor, but not an able bodied one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It definitely would have been nice for someone to help. But to expect it and be pissed off because no one did is out of line. This is the worst snow that most of us have ever seen and for most of us, it was all we could do to get our own families shoveled out, if we even accomplished that. As much as we would have liked, we didn't have it in us to shovel out the neighbor. After spending my six plus hour shoveling, I might have been able to muster the energy to shovel out an elderly or infirmed neighbor, but not an able bodied one.

You're a beacon of virtue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and I did not shovel today because I was inside watching our 20 month old (who HATES the snow), doing laundry for the family, and making dinner. DH did the shoveling. I think most couples divide labor, no? So if the men in OP's neighborhood were out shoveling, I'm going to assume that their wives weren't inside eating bon bons. The OP doesn't have anyone to share household labor with.

I think part of the problem is that ppl just don't know their neighbors anymore, so they don't feel a sense of obligation to help out.

Our next door neighbor (a man) has a pacemaker so we ALWAYS shovel for him. He's not elderly and doesn't seem unhealthy, but we are friendly with him so we just know his situation. If we had a single mom in our neighborhood who was out there shoveling with her young child, of course we'd help. If she had help from a teenager, then maybe not, but who watches a woman shovel for hours with her 6 year old and doesn't offer to help?

I agree that chivalry is dead and your neighbors are assholes.

I stayed in today and did the same things as you (i.e., take care of dd and chores). However, I stayed in because I am pregnant and cannot balance on the snow/ice. Compared to what my husband did, it was eating bon bons. You severely underestimate the physical effort required in the shoveling, which you didn't do, but somehow expect these men who have already shoveled one driveway to do. It makes me uncomfortable to hear these men called assholes (except for the guy with the comment) when many criticizing weren't out there today simultaneously sweating and shivering.

That said, OP, I can completely understand the despair as you saw the plow undo your work. You said you were a nurse -- thanks for going into work tomorrow -- it helps all of us.

WHY is there so much back and forth about who had it harder????
The OP should have been offered help and no one did. Period, the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It definitely would have been nice for someone to help. But to expect it and be pissed off because no one did is out of line. This is the worst snow that most of us have ever seen and for most of us, it was all we could do to get our own families shoveled out, if we even accomplished that. As much as we would have liked, we didn't have it in us to shovel out the neighbor. After spending my six plus hour shoveling, I might have been able to muster the energy to shovel out an elderly or infirmed neighbor, but not an able bodied one.

You're a beacon of virtue.

Not PP, but let me state what a lot of people were getting at --- not everyone has the physical ability to shovel for hours and hours on end. It may not be virtuous, but it's a reality.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm not reading the other posts beyond the first few, as they seemed to attack you..

I think that sucks. Totally sucks. I did the majority of our shoveling and it is completely exhausting. The snow is heavy and the plowed snow is probably super compacted and really really hard to shovel.

The plow only put a little of the snow back on us, and even then, I felt a bit defeated. But to have the neighbors acknowledge that you got screwed and then NOT help you is just wrong. I don't care if they were women or men. I (woman) helped shovel our neighbors out (they couldn't get our their door). And I've seen all the neighbors pitch in when someone is clearly working against the odds or has to get out that day for some reason. It's not like you were saying they should come over every snow and shovel. You just thought it would be nice to help out given the PLOW put additioanal snow in front of your house. And honestly, if they had the energy to come over and chat, then they could have thrown in a few shovels of snow. It's not like they had to do the same thing. Just a little help can make a difference.