Why do some women enable their husbands being terrible fathers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that no one chooses a bad mate. Plenty of my friends married guys they knew wouldn’t be good husbands. But they married them anyways thinking they could change them.

I think this is part of the enabling. You feel like you chose it, so you have to live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

My friend who is like this is a SAHM so how is she going to leave?

Maybe he is enabling her by being an incompetent parent, so she feel justified in her role as a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Is it though? I think we all know what OP is talking about the lazy, uninvolved fathers that constantly are complained about on here, but then get laughed of with " oh that's just men.'

It's the same as the person who is supplying alcohol to the family alcoholic because it's safer if they don't drive. Yes the alcoholic is responsible , but so is the person who is enabling by buying the drinks.

Well, if your spouse really is lazy and uninvolved, what are you supposed to do? You can leave your kid at home alone with someone who is lazy and won't take care of them, but that seems...suboptimal. You can't make someone be energetic and involved. You can't make them care about their kids' well-being. I don't think it's "just men," because I know many men who are capable, involved fathers, but if someone is a crap parent, you can't make them better unless they want to improve. I guess you can divorce them, but again, that's not going to make them a better parent. Maybe they'll pass on custody, but maybe they won't, and you end up with kids who spend their time at their dad's with a sitter or his new girlfriend or whatever.

And it's nothing like enabling an addiction.

According to this site you’re supposed to go back in time and not marry him. Or at least not have kids with him.
Never mind that it’s pretty difficult to know what someone will be like as a parent before you have kids. Never mind that even if she was overly optimistic about his capabilities, there’s nothing she can do about it now.

The child exists.

His father is lazy and won’t supervise him.

What is his mother supposed to do?

(For simplicity’s sake let’s assume that she does not own or otherwise have access to a time machine, so please skip all suggestions that involve going back in time.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

You clearly have no idea how hard it is to gain sole custody. Keep in mind that a) while society won’t judge dads for being terrible parents, it does judge them for not having at least partial custody and b) if you don’t have fairly equal custody then you have to pay child support.

I am a nanny and have seen this kind of thing from a front row seat. Dad doesn’t supervise young kids. Skips anything “hard” such as giving them medicine necessary to prevent a chronic illness from spiraling out of control. Feels car seats are nbd so does things like put 1yo in a backless booster because the buckles on their actual car seat are “too confusing.” This dad let a 3yo wander off unsupervised in public AT A BEACH twice in one weekend because his wife was sick and the other family members thought dad would step up.

Prior to splitting, mom worked 60+ hours a week and dad worked part time. Mom saw the kids for an hour every morning and 3 hours at night and all weekend. Dad would see them maybe 10 hours a week total because he just didn’t give a F.

After split, dad realized he would have to pay child support if mom had custody so he fought for 50/50 custody and won. This is why mom stay married until the kids were old enough to basically fend for themselves AND she made sure they had cell phones because dad constantly left them at his apartment, unsupervised, for hours at a time at age 9 (twins).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Is it though? I think we all know what OP is talking about the lazy, uninvolved fathers that constantly are complained about on here, but then get laughed of with " oh that's just men.'

It's the same as the person who is supplying alcohol to the family alcoholic because it's safer if they don't drive. Yes the alcoholic is responsible , but so is the person who is enabling by buying the drinks.

Well, if your spouse really is lazy and uninvolved, what are you supposed to do? You can leave your kid at home alone with someone who is lazy and won't take care of them, but that seems...suboptimal. You can't make someone be energetic and involved. You can't make them care about their kids' well-being. I don't think it's "just men," because I know many men who are capable, involved fathers, but if someone is a crap parent, you can't make them better unless they want to improve. I guess you can divorce them, but again, that's not going to make them a better parent. Maybe they'll pass on custody, but maybe they won't, and you end up with kids who spend their time at their dad's with a sitter or his new girlfriend or whatever.

And it's nothing like enabling an addiction.

According to this site you’re supposed to go back in time and not marry him. Or at least not have kids with him.
Never mind that it’s pretty difficult to know what someone will be like as a parent before you have kids. Never mind that even if she was overly optimistic about his capabilities, there’s nothing she can do about it now.

The child exists.

His father is lazy and won’t supervise him.

What is his mother supposed to do?

(For simplicity’s sake let’s assume that she does not own or otherwise have access to a time machine, so please skip all suggestions that involve going back in time.)

My husband was never given the option to not be an active parent. Most of these helpless men were given that option and it’s very obvious to those of us either husbands who parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that no one chooses a bad mate. Plenty of my friends married guys they knew wouldn’t be good husbands. But they married them anyways thinking they could change them.

I think this is part of the enabling. You feel like you chose it, so you have to live with the consequences.

And I think society reinforces this. Women in this situation get very little compassion and a lot of blame. Everyone says “you knew what you were getting into.” It’s seriously messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

You clearly have no idea how hard it is to gain sole custody. Keep in mind that a) while society won’t judge dads for being terrible parents, it does judge them for not having at least partial custody and b) if you don’t have fairly equal custody then you have to pay child support.

I am a nanny and have seen this kind of thing from a front row seat. Dad doesn’t supervise young kids. Skips anything “hard” such as giving them medicine necessary to prevent a chronic illness from spiraling out of control. Feels car seats are nbd so does things like put 1yo in a backless booster because the buckles on their actual car seat are “too confusing.” This dad let a 3yo wander off unsupervised in public AT A BEACH twice in one weekend because his wife was sick and the other family members thought dad would step up.

Prior to splitting, mom worked 60+ hours a week and dad worked part time. Mom saw the kids for an hour every morning and 3 hours at night and all weekend. Dad would see them maybe 10 hours a week total because he just didn’t give a F.

After split, dad realized he would have to pay child support if mom had custody so he fought for 50/50 custody and won. This is why mom stay married until the kids were old enough to basically fend for themselves AND she made sure they had cell phones because dad constantly left them at his apartment, unsupervised, for hours at a time at age 9 (twins).

Yeah see that’s the problem. The backless booster and beach stories don’t concern me that much. Maybe because I’m a child of the 80s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that no one chooses a bad mate. Plenty of my friends married guys they knew wouldn’t be good husbands. But they married them anyways thinking they could change them.

I think this is part of the enabling. You feel like you chose it, so you have to live with the consequences.

And I think society reinforces this. Women in this situation get very little compassion and a lot of blame. Everyone says “you knew what you were getting into.” It’s seriously messed up.

Well many of these women go on to have more children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

You clearly have no idea how hard it is to gain sole custody. Keep in mind that a) while society won’t judge dads for being terrible parents, it does judge them for not having at least partial custody and b) if you don’t have fairly equal custody then you have to pay child support.

I am a nanny and have seen this kind of thing from a front row seat. Dad doesn’t supervise young kids. Skips anything “hard” such as giving them medicine necessary to prevent a chronic illness from spiraling out of control. Feels car seats are nbd so does things like put 1yo in a backless booster because the buckles on their actual car seat are “too confusing.” This dad let a 3yo wander off unsupervised in public AT A BEACH twice in one weekend because his wife was sick and the other family members thought dad would step up.

Prior to splitting, mom worked 60+ hours a week and dad worked part time. Mom saw the kids for an hour every morning and 3 hours at night and all weekend. Dad would see them maybe 10 hours a week total because he just didn’t give a F.

After split, dad realized he would have to pay child support if mom had custody so he fought for 50/50 custody and won. This is why mom stay married until the kids were old enough to basically fend for themselves AND she made sure they had cell phones because dad constantly left them at his apartment, unsupervised, for hours at a time at age 9 (twins).

Yeah see that’s the problem. The backless booster and beach stories don’t concern me that much. Maybe because I’m a child of the 80s?

Yeah. Even in the 80’s, people put their babies in car seats and supervised their preschoolers at the beach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

You clearly have no idea how hard it is to gain sole custody. Keep in mind that a) while society won’t judge dads for being terrible parents, it does judge them for not having at least partial custody and b) if you don’t have fairly equal custody then you have to pay child support.

I am a nanny and have seen this kind of thing from a front row seat. Dad doesn’t supervise young kids. Skips anything “hard” such as giving them medicine necessary to prevent a chronic illness from spiraling out of control. Feels car seats are nbd so does things like put 1yo in a backless booster because the buckles on their actual car seat are “too confusing.” This dad let a 3yo wander off unsupervised in public AT A BEACH twice in one weekend because his wife was sick and the other family members thought dad would step up.

Prior to splitting, mom worked 60+ hours a week and dad worked part time. Mom saw the kids for an hour every morning and 3 hours at night and all weekend. Dad would see them maybe 10 hours a week total because he just didn’t give a F.

After split, dad realized he would have to pay child support if mom had custody so he fought for 50/50 custody and won. This is why mom stay married until the kids were old enough to basically fend for themselves AND she made sure they had cell phones because dad constantly left them at his apartment, unsupervised, for hours at a time at age 9 (twins).

Yeah see that’s the problem. The backless booster and beach stories don’t concern me that much. Maybe because I’m a child of the 80s?

I am a child of the 80’s too and ran wild and barefoot all summer. I can also read the data that clearly show that car accidents and drownings are some of the more common causes of preventable deaths in children and therefore I take basic precautions to avoid them. So no, it’s not that you are low-key and laid-back and old-school and whatever term you identify with. The term you are searching for is “lazy and neglectful.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

My friend who is like this is a SAHM so how is she going to leave?

Np: Get a job?

[Anonymous]

When my kids were little and I left my husband to watch them, he fell asleep and they wandered outside of the apartment/house multiple times. This wasn't because I hadn't done everything I could to stress to him that this was not an acceptable way to parent. He just sucked. Now they're older and we did a lot of relationship therapy eventually and he's a lot better. And, luckily, nothing dangerous ever happened to the kids. (There were other things. Once I came back and the kids had gotten into a bunch of pills, and they were scattered on the floor, and my husband had not noticed and acted like I was nagging him.)

You really could leave your shitty partner with your young kids and something very bad could happen. There's no good way to handle that. Leaving them isn't good, either, because then they'll probably want partial custody and have more opportunities to accidentally kill your kids. And, also, they legitimately might get better over time, and your kids will get more independent.

[Anonymous]

My dh has anxiety and depression. When he’s in a good place I fully trust him with the kids. When he’s in a bad place he would keep them alive but it’d be miserable for everyone and unfair to the kids. Therefore I don’t make plans in advance to leave him alone with the kids because I don’t know how he will be at that point in the future.

I did not know he would be this way before kids but after finding out I still went on to have another kid. The kids have a good life and it’s not black and white that bc I can’t trust him with them all the time I therefore no longer want another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t often leave my husband with responsibility for our daughter because he has autism (diagnosed after we had our baby) and horrible executive functioning skills. His inability to perceive others’ needs and poor planning, both through time and space, means that he does things like crash cars into static objects, “forgets” that toddlers need meals, leaves exterior doors wide open, etc. He probably has a lot in common with PP’s drowning incident dad, so I’m really careful with the decisions I make around the care of our daughter. It sucks and does socially isolate me sometimes, but we’re already socially isolated because my DH is rude and indifferent in social situations, so it doesn’t matter. And to answer everyone’s question, of course he wasn’t like this when he met. Some adults with autism have really good social masking skills that they can deploy in situations like dating, work, etc.

I rather be divorced than have to deal with a partner like this. At least, I wouldn't have to resent their inability to be a functional adult in the basic sense and an equal partner in parenting and household management.

Anyone whose innate personality is like this but manages to hide it during dating, especially long enough for someone to marry them, is profoundly dishonest. They're misrepresenting who they are and they are effectively tricking someone into marriage.

Yes, that’s the fundamental flaw in my marriage (I’m the PP you quoted). Thank you for the validation, inadvertent or not. I live with a man who has decided that I’m supposed to forgive his mistakes and flaws because of his late-in-life diagnosis of HFA and that “he can’t help it”, which is technically accurate, but from my perspective I feel like my commitment to him was gained through trickery. It’s a continuous and devastating breach of the deepest trust I’ve ever given anyone.

[Anonymous]

I am not making assumptions, but there is a possibility that the wife may have been abused as a kid by a male figure. And she is projecting her trauma onto her husband/daughters relationship. This is quite common for people who were sexually abused. I wouldn’t be so quick to judge her.

This is just a possibility.