Why do some women enable their husbands being terrible fathers?

[Anonymous]

My kid still needs a good parent, even if their dad is refusing to be that. Which means it falls to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

This. People don’t disappear when you divorce.
And they would not just be with DH, but whatever random people he decides to leave our kids alone with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t often leave my husband with responsibility for our daughter because he has autism (diagnosed after we had our baby) and horrible executive functioning skills. His inability to perceive others’ needs and poor planning, both through time and space, means that he does things like crash cars into static objects, “forgets” that toddlers need meals, leaves exterior doors wide open, etc. He probably has a lot in common with PP’s drowning incident dad, so I’m really careful with the decisions I make around the care of our daughter. It sucks and does socially isolate me sometimes, but we’re already socially isolated because my DH is rude and indifferent in social situations, so it doesn’t matter. And to answer everyone’s question, of course he wasn’t like this when he met. Some adults with autism have really good social masking skills that they can deploy in situations like dating, work, etc.

I rather be divorced than have to deal with a partner like this. At least, I wouldn't have to resent their inability to be a functional adult in the basic sense and an equal partner in parenting and household management.

Anyone whose innate personality is like this but manages to hide it during dating, especially long enough for someone to marry them, is profoundly dishonest. They're misrepresenting who they are and they are effectively tricking someone into marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She could be a total control freak. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with her DH, but she wants things done her way, therefore she chooses not to leave their kid with him.

+1.

[Anonymous]

$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend probably just doesn't want to go out. I know tons of couples like this including in my own family. Wife says doesn't trust husband with kid. Husband says doesn't want to impose on already hardworking wife by leaving her alone with kid. Joint couple says too hard/expensive to find babysitter. The reality is they just got lazy or cheap or don't really like to socialize. It turns out there were tons of people who only socialized to find a mate. I was shocked at the percentage of the population this seems to be and who now claim "can't go out anymore now that we've got these gosh darned KIDS"

+1. I think it’s this. I seem to be unusual in that I have children and still want my own social life, girls trips, date nights etc. I have friends who have barely ever left their kids.

In my opinion it’s very unhealthy. What’s going to happen when their child starts school or leaves the nest? I’m sure they think I am terrible for leaving young children to go out to dinner with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

You don't know what kind of father they'll be before the baby arrives. It's a risky venture. When the risk doesn't pay off, women have to make the best of the hand they're dealt.

Stories like PP's with the husband whose child drowned, and almost ALL of the babies left in the car seat to die in overheated cars because the Dad forgot to do the day care drop-off are why women take on the responsibilities themselves. It's life or death.

All that said, I did find that Dads have an important contribution to parenthood in the teen years. Women have to raise the kids to like 13 or 14 and then start handing them over to Dad. It's not ideal, but it's what I've noticed in 20 years in the parenting world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

You don't know what kind of father they'll be before the baby arrives. It's a risky venture. When the risk doesn't pay off, women have to make the best of the hand they're dealt.

Stories like PP's with the husband whose child drowned, and almost ALL of the babies left in the car seat to die in overheated cars because the Dad forgot to do the day care drop-off are why women take on the responsibilities themselves. It's life or death.

All that said, I did find that Dads have an important contribution to parenthood in the teen years. Women have to raise the kids to like 13 or 14 and then start handing them over to Dad. It's not ideal, but it's what I've noticed in 20 years in the parenting world.

I still disagree with this. Every woman who has a husband who can’t take care of kids properly is a complete enabler and control freak. They also usually are a SAHM.

They also typically have your black or white thinking. I mean you really think leaving your kids with your husband is going to kill them? If he’s so dangerous he shouldn’t be living with them.

[Anonymous]

My husband was not a great under age 6 parent. He never enjoyed or even for that matter participated mych in the babies/toddlers/ preschoolers age. However, he is a fantastic parent for elementary and teen kids. Really amazing. Coaches all their sports, leaves work early to pick them up from school, loves going on adventure vacations with them- white water rafting and surfing in Costa Rica, hiking in National Parks, sailing with them, going to professional sports games with them, playing cards with them, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

My friend who is like this is a SAHM so how is she going to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

So. This is the case. He isn’t a fit parent. But short of murder, I am not really sure what to do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

You don't know what kind of father they'll be before the baby arrives. It's a risky venture. When the risk doesn't pay off, women have to make the best of the hand they're dealt.

Stories like PP's with the husband whose child drowned, and almost ALL of the babies left in the car seat to die in overheated cars because the Dad forgot to do the day care drop-off are why women take on the responsibilities themselves. It's life or death.

All that said, I did find that Dads have an important contribution to parenthood in the teen years. Women have to raise the kids to like 13 or 14 and then start handing them over to Dad. It's not ideal, but it's what I've noticed in 20 years in the parenting world.

I still disagree with this. Every woman who has a husband who can’t take care of kids properly is a complete enabler and control freak. They also usually are a SAHM.

They also typically have your black or white thinking. I mean you really think leaving your kids with your husband is going to kill them? If he’s so dangerous he shouldn’t be living with them.

I have an incredibly involved husband who is a wonderful dad to our kids and has taken on the brunt of child care these last few months only because my job has been busier than his. I say that to explain that your comment doesn't affect me personally at all. However, it was incredibly hateful and mean. I understand that the moms who refuse to leave their kids because the dads don't do things perfectly are probably not to be pitied, but there are genuinely women, like some of the PPs who posted on this very thread, who are married to men who are not the kinds of fathers they imagined. And for you tos ay that they must be complete enablers or control friends is so unkind.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that no one chooses a bad mate. Plenty of my friends married guys they knew wouldn’t be good husbands. But they married them anyways thinking they could change them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is amazed at how much parenting my DH does. He openly makes comments about how he never did "any of that stuff". YES I KNOW. He literally can't even prepare his own food. My MIL cuts corn off the cob for him to eat. It's...pathetic!

My DH is fabulous and hands on, and I had no doubt he would be which is why I married him. I have no time for weak men who can't do basic daily tasks.

This is like my parents. I told DH we’re all screwed if my mom, who is younger, deteriorates or dies before my dad, because he is helpless and clueless. My mom married young and liked the homemaking and raised my brother to be just like my dad. Except of course there are fewer women like my mom nowadays - no woman wants to have to babysit her husband these days.