Why do some women enable their husbands being terrible fathers?

[Anonymous]

I don’t often leave my husband with responsibility for our daughter because he has autism (diagnosed after we had our baby) and horrible executive functioning skills. His inability to perceive others’ needs and poor planning, both through time and space, means that he does things like crash cars into static objects, “forgets” that toddlers need meals, leaves exterior doors wide open, etc. He probably has a lot in common with PP’s drowning incident dad, so I’m really careful with the decisions I make around the care of our daughter. It sucks and does socially isolate me sometimes, but we’re already socially isolated because my DH is rude and indifferent in social situations, so it doesn’t matter. And to answer everyone’s question, of course he wasn’t like this when he met. Some adults with autism have really good social masking skills that they can deploy in situations like dating, work, etc.

[Anonymous]

I know an UMC mom in this area, whose two kids are 6 and 9, and she has literally never left them with anyone except when she went to the hospital to have #2. She and her husband have never been on a date. Her husband does not watch them alone, ever. She doesn’t leave them with him to run errands or go out with her friends. No babysitters. Her parents nor inlaws have ever kept the kids (except birth of 2.) She does (amazingly) send them to school (tiny private.)

It’s crazy.

[Anonymous]

I don’t go out with friends before 7 pm because my DH can’t put our toddler to bed. I’ve tried. She just cries nonstop and he leaves her there until she cries herself to sleep. It’s not worth it to me, so I put her to bed and go out to eat after she falls asleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She’s probably working to get him more involved, and shared with you a part of her struggle. She’s not willing to leave her child in a situation where she’s basically a test subject to measure DH’s learning curve.

You’re a nice friend by the way. Sheesh.

Why are you making up stuff? None of what you said is true

DP. You don’t know that it’s not. Some people are not comfortable trusting their spouses with their young children because their spouses have too much of a track record of being neglectful and they’re worried about the potential consequences.

I have a friend who lost her child to her spouse’s negligence. There was a family party scheduled and she had a conflict with the first half, and, rather than cancel her plans to avoid having her spouse (who she knew was a lazy parent) handle their son on his own, decided to make him handle it himself. Except her husband didn’t step up, their son wandered away from the party and drowned in a creek behind the relative’s house.

Awful stuff can happen, and leaving your young child in the sole care of someone you know doesn’t take it seriously can have terrible consequences. That’s also why women in this position will choose not to divorce, because shared custody will only increase the risk.

The responsibility is entirely on the father for being a negligent parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An acquaintance of mine told me that she’s literally never gone out alone for a personal reason because she can’t leave her 4yo alone with DH because DH doesn’t know how to handle her. I mean...???

It has helped two of my friends SAH for twenty years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Is it though? I think we all know what OP is talking about the lazy, uninvolved fathers that constantly are complained about on here, but then get laughed of with " oh that's just men.'

It's the same as the person who is supplying alcohol to the family alcoholic because it's safer if they don't drive. Yes the alcoholic is responsible , but so is the person who is enabling by buying the drinks.

being a crappy parent is different than having a chemical dependence on alcohol.

Theoretically it's a lot easier to choose not to be a selfish a****** than it is to overcome addiction.

[Anonymous]

My FIL is amazed at how much parenting my DH does. He openly makes comments about how he never did "any of that stuff". YES I KNOW. He literally can't even prepare his own food. My MIL cuts corn off the cob for him to eat. It's...pathetic!

My DH is fabulous and hands on, and I had no doubt he would be which is why I married him. I have no time for weak men who can't do basic daily tasks.

[Anonymous]

There is definitely some maternal micromanaging that discourages fathers from participating, but many women find that it is an uphill battle to get their mates to participate equally in any aspect of household work, including kid stuff.

Even in my UMC neighborhood full of families with dads who are better than most at participating, the reality is that the moms are overwhelmingly on the hook for the housework and the cleaning. It is a multigenerational project to raise males to pull their weight w/o acting like they are doing the world a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An acquaintance of mine told me that she’s literally never gone out alone for a personal reason because she can’t leave her 4yo alone with DH because DH doesn’t know how to handle her. I mean...???

It has helped two of my friends SAH for twenty years.

And really, some kids are just easier than others. My youngest was an easy baby who rarely cried, and as a preschooler, he would happily sit and play with his magnatiles or stickers for hours. I rarely went anywhere (except date night with DH) without him, but it was no big deal to bring him with me everywhere I went, and most of the time it was really pleasurable to have him along. He is a cute and funny kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Is it though? I think we all know what OP is talking about the lazy, uninvolved fathers that constantly are complained about on here, but then get laughed of with " oh that's just men.'

It's the same as the person who is supplying alcohol to the family alcoholic because it's safer if they don't drive. Yes the alcoholic is responsible , but so is the person who is enabling by buying the drinks.

I never see any women laughing on here. I see women who are furious and heartbroken that the man they've married turns out to be lazy, neglectful, or downright mean toward their children. Then what is the choice? As a woman who grew up with a terrible father, and a mother who routinely ignored his behavior, I don't think you can call it "enabling" when a mom steps in to do what is necessary to keep her child safe and happy. My mother certainly doesn't deserve any congratulations for leaving my dad to do what he wished.

And yes, the reverse can also be true, but the OP is specifically calling out women for "enabling" men. I mean, gross.

[Anonymous]

I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I believe this. At 4 a child should be somewhat self-sufficient in the sense that they're not sticking their fingers in electric sockets or falling down the stairs like an infant or young toddler. They should be able to eat without assistance and tell you when they're hungry...although most likely they are eating at the same meal time as the parents. Probably potty trained by this point as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t often leave my husband with responsibility for our daughter because he has autism (diagnosed after we had our baby) and horrible executive functioning skills. His inability to perceive others’ needs and poor planning, both through time and space, means that he does things like crash cars into static objects, “forgets” that toddlers need meals, leaves exterior doors wide open, etc. He probably has a lot in common with PP’s drowning incident dad, so I’m really careful with the decisions I make around the care of our daughter. It sucks and does socially isolate me sometimes, but we’re already socially isolated because my DH is rude and indifferent in social situations, so it doesn’t matter. And to answer everyone’s question, of course he wasn’t like this when he met. Some adults with autism have really good social masking skills that they can deploy in situations like dating, work, etc.

He completely changed to these traits after you met him? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t often leave my husband with responsibility for our daughter because he has autism (diagnosed after we had our baby) and horrible executive functioning skills. His inability to perceive others’ needs and poor planning, both through time and space, means that he does things like crash cars into static objects, “forgets” that toddlers need meals, leaves exterior doors wide open, etc. He probably has a lot in common with PP’s drowning incident dad, so I’m really careful with the decisions I make around the care of our daughter. It sucks and does socially isolate me sometimes, but we’re already socially isolated because my DH is rude and indifferent in social situations, so it doesn’t matter. And to answer everyone’s question, of course he wasn’t like this when he met. Some adults with autism have really good social masking skills that they can deploy in situations like dating, work, etc.

He completely changed to these traits after you met him? Really?

This starts to explain it:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/

I’m not the PP, but had a similar experience. DH and I met in medical school, which was highly regimented, both in terms of daily schedule and social life. It took many years until we had more career freedom and time that DH’s rigidity came out. We had so many semi-mandatory social events for so long that it was pretty shocking to realize that he actually hated socializing. And once he felt “safe” and comfortable in our relationship, DH dropped some of the things he’d been doing that I thought were genuine signs of love and reciprocity but to him was more acting out how he thought married people should act. When he felt safe, he became a more authentic version of himself but someone who is not very empathetic and is honestly pretty selfish and uncommunicative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.