Why do some women enable their husbands being terrible fathers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are assuming it is actually true that the DH in question is a terrible father. Maybe is wife is just a hypercontrolling Weirdo.

This is far more likely the scenario. Far more likely.

Hahaha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Was about to say this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Was about to say this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Is it though? I think we all know what OP is talking about the lazy, uninvolved fathers that constantly are complained about on here, but then get laughed of with " oh that's just men.'

It's the same as the person who is supplying alcohol to the family alcoholic because it's safer if they don't drive. Yes the alcoholic is responsible , but so is the person who is enabling by buying the drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Is it though? I think we all know what OP is talking about the lazy, uninvolved fathers that constantly are complained about on here, but then get laughed of with " oh that's just men.'

It's the same as the person who is supplying alcohol to the family alcoholic because it's safer if they don't drive. Yes the alcoholic is responsible , but so is the person who is enabling by buying the drinks.

Well, if your spouse really is lazy and uninvolved, what are you supposed to do? You can leave your kid at home alone with someone who is lazy and won't take care of them, but that seems...suboptimal. You can't make someone be energetic and involved. You can't make them care about their kids' well-being. I don't think it's "just men," because I know many men who are capable, involved fathers, but if someone is a crap parent, you can't make them better unless they want to improve. I guess you can divorce them, but again, that's not going to make them a better parent. Maybe they'll pass on custody, but maybe they won't, and you end up with kids who spend their time at their dad's with a sitter or his new girlfriend or whatever.

And it's nothing like enabling an addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She could be a total control freak. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with her DH, but she wants things done her way, therefore she chooses not to leave their kid with him.

Oh I know a lot of women like this.

[Anonymous]

Because they're door mats. No self esteem.

[Anonymous]

It’s important to allow your DH to parent in his way. Start this early in the baby’s life. Nobody is going to die, but things probably won’t be perfect. My DH once dressed my son in a one piece outfit totally backwards.😗

[Anonymous]

There is far less pressure on men to parent well from all corners. I know I get pressure from my family, my husband's family, my friends, coworkers, society, the DCUM boards... I know I'm a good mom, but I also work really hard at it. And I STILL feel like people are judging me for my parenting.

Meanwhile, when my husband takes our kids to the grocery store (pre-Covid, obviously), people will literally stop him to tell him how great he is doing. Not an exaggeration. The standards for men across the board are so low that a man doing the grocery shopping while keeping an eye on a couple kids is a folk hero. Meanwhile, a billion women do this and more all the time and people just roll their eyes at us and gossip about whether or not we're doing it right.

So OP: yes, maybe your friend could be looking for ways to facilitate her husband becoming a more competent father. Certainly I would recommend she do that for her own sake, because being a mom is incredibly hard and having a partner who can't parent on his own AT ALL would make it so much worse. But also, what are his parents like? Her parents? Does his job accommodate him being a primary parent or do they do what most employers do and just assume his female partner with handle the bulk of childcare? This isn't entirely on her. In fact, maybe the fact that our societal expectations for fathers are in the basement has made her think that she can't expect anything more from her husband either. How about instead of shaming her anonymously, you tell her that while you think she's a great mom, you think it's ridiculous that her husband isn't stepping up. Be on her side. Maybe no one else is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An acquaintance of mine told me that she’s literally never gone out alone for a personal reason because she can’t leave her 4yo alone with DH because DH doesn’t know how to handle her. I mean...???

So if your friend left her dd and something happened to her due to her husband's fault you would blame her too, right?

[Anonymous]

There are a variety of reasons, including much of society’s insistence that there is one right way to take care of kids, and that way is extremely detailed and hands on. Many moms have absorbed that message, and many dads have not. This creates a dynamic where the dad looks and sometimes feels helpless when faced with solo childcare, and the mom decides to just do it herself because obviously the kid will suffer severe damage if left alone with incompetent dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She’s probably working to get him more involved, and shared with you a part of her struggle. She’s not willing to leave her child in a situation where she’s basically a test subject to measure DH’s learning curve.

You’re a nice friend by the way. Sheesh.

Why are you making up stuff? None of what you said is true

DP. You don’t know that it’s not. Some people are not comfortable trusting their spouses with their young children because their spouses have too much of a track record of being neglectful and they’re worried about the potential consequences.

I have a friend who lost her child to her spouse’s negligence. There was a family party scheduled and she had a conflict with the first half, and, rather than cancel her plans to avoid having her spouse (who she knew was a lazy parent) handle their son on his own, decided to make him handle it himself. Except her husband didn’t step up, their son wandered away from the party and drowned in a creek behind the relative’s house.

Awful stuff can happen, and leaving your young child in the sole care of someone you know doesn’t take it seriously can have terrible consequences. That’s also why women in this position will choose not to divorce, because shared custody will only increase the risk.

JFC. What an awful story. I don’t think I could stay married to someone after an event like this if I knew it was due to gross negligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An acquaintance of mine told me that she’s literally never gone out alone for a personal reason because she can’t leave her 4yo alone with DH because DH doesn’t know how to handle her. I mean...???

So if your friend left her dd and something happened to her due to her husband's fault you would blame her too, right?

Um, no. I (and anyone else with a brain) would blame the husband, aka the parent in charge! WTF??

[Anonymous]

Your friend probably just doesn't want to go out. I know tons of couples like this including in my own family. Wife says doesn't trust husband with kid. Husband says doesn't want to impose on already hardworking wife by leaving her alone with kid. Joint couple says too hard/expensive to find babysitter. The reality is they just got lazy or cheap or don't really like to socialize. It turns out there were tons of people who only socialized to find a mate. I was shocked at the percentage of the population this seems to be and who now claim "can't go out anymore now that we've got these gosh darned KIDS"

[Anonymous]

I think it's a mixed bag. There are probably some women who expect this sort of feigned incompetence and are okay with it.

There are others who are devastated when they realize their spouse is like this. You see these people posting on DCUM.

But then you have a child with someone, and it's not that easy to just leave.