Wife's odd reaction to my parents and "fun secrets"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you op and her wife are nuts about sugar and grandma gave granddd an ice cream! If it is something like that what is sad is that grandma feels she needs to keep it a secret something so innocent. Most likely bcs she knows her own grandma and DIL will overact like nuts. Or, the horror she gave kid some fruit! We all know lunatics on dcum who deny their kids fruit bcs it has sugar!

You're reading a lot into this and it's irrelevant.

I'll grant you there are DCUM mons that I think go way overboard avoiding sugar and OPs wife may be one. While I'm not particularly sensitive on the sugar issue, I have my own areas of concern that you might well think nuts. I imagine that you have parenting concerns on something that OP might well think are overboard.

Whether a parent's concerns are valid is not the question. Anybody entrusted with a child should make a good-faith effort to respect the parents wishes. If they disagree, the right course of action is to talk directly to the parent. They could ask for an exemption. They can even state how things will be when they're in charge (at which point the parent can decide whether they're willing to leave that person in charge of their child.) To undermine a parents authority and to entangle the child in a cover-up is wrong on every level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that y'all have parents who are pedophiles and will rape your children. I cannot empathize at all. People in our social circle are not worried that their parents will rape their children and they don't get offended about every little thing that the grandparents do. YMMV.

You’re an idiot. No one here is worried the grandparents will do anything inappropriate- learn reading comprehension. Little kids aren’t exactly good at nuance - understanding secrets are only ok from grandma/certain adults vs their soccer coach. So you draw a firm line that there are no secrets. It’s not hard to understand and I’d rather be thought of as over protective than regret it. When stories like Sandusky come around, you never hear parents saying oh yeah, definitely suspected it. People are always shocked.

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Really little kids are, in fact, not always capable of making that distinction.

As evidenced by LIFE. Sandusky, Nassir, ice skating coaches (rampant problem in that sport), priest, etc. Do you ever read a newspaper?

There is a huge difference between the names and figures you're quoting and OP's mother. Please get a grip and don't raise your child to be afraid of everything and everyone. You're doing more harm than good when you do that. Even a toddler can tell the difference between Grandma and the stranger down the street. And OP would not be randomly leaving her kid with the stranger down the street. It is very worrisome about the state of your mental health that you don't understand this.

FWIW I work with high risk kids, these are kids who actually -have- been emotionally, sexually and physically abused by friends, family and strangers. One stand out take-away from my work is that many of the kids I work with never been taught to distinguish between whom they can trust and whom they can't. So many of them don't have a sensor and they either trust everyone or they trust no one. Neither absolute of the trust continuum is good.

In general kids need to be told repeatedly that they should not keep secrets from their parents or caregivers because those are the person who need to know enough about their lives to keep them safe. So secrets are not good while surprises are okay.

However, kids also need to hear that their parents and guardians trust their (kids) health and well-being to other people, like Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd. Parents and guardians also should tell the kids that they want the kids to tell them if there is ever anything that makes them worry about Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd.

Frankly if everyone is communicating and parents/guardians are acting within their responsibility areas then the likelihood of abuse goes way down.

I think the issue is that it would be so easy for grandma to switch from the word secret to surprise. It shouldn’t be up to a child to decide who it’s ok to keep secrets from mom with.

Another issue with your post, and not necessarily applicable to OP’s situation, but sometimes parents trust caregivers they shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s a grandparent, babysitter, uncle, or hell, sometimes it’s even the parent, who is abusing the child. If you deal with abuse, then you must know the stats about how often it is someone you know and trust vs some random lady down the street. You also must be familiar with how many victims the average child predator has, and how charming and successful they are to gain access to so many children. If it were easy for kids to navigate and protect themselves, abuse wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and we wouldn’t have to train children and adults to be wary, even of people we should be able to trust.

[Anonymous]

It's very simple.

"We don't ever keep secrets from parents, and no one should ask you to keep a secret from your parent."

You are wrong and your wife is correct. It's nothing against your mom. But attenuating your child to keep things from her moms is not okay, even if the original thing is totally harmless and fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that y'all have parents who are pedophiles and will rape your children. I cannot empathize at all. People in our social circle are not worried that their parents will rape their children and they don't get offended about every little thing that the grandparents do. YMMV.

You’re an idiot. No one here is worried the grandparents will do anything inappropriate- learn reading comprehension. Little kids aren’t exactly good at nuance - understanding secrets are only ok from grandma/certain adults vs their soccer coach. So you draw a firm line that there are no secrets. It’s not hard to understand and I’d rather be thought of as over protective than regret it. When stories like Sandusky come around, you never hear parents saying oh yeah, definitely suspected it. People are always shocked.

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Really little kids are, in fact, not always capable of making that distinction.

As evidenced by LIFE. Sandusky, Nassir, ice skating coaches (rampant problem in that sport), priest, etc. Do you ever read a newspaper?

There is a huge difference between the names and figures you're quoting and OP's mother. Please get a grip and don't raise your child to be afraid of everything and everyone. You're doing more harm than good when you do that. Even a toddler can tell the difference between Grandma and the stranger down the street. And OP would not be randomly leaving her kid with the stranger down the street. It is very worrisome about the state of your mental health that you don't understand this.

FWIW I work with high risk kids, these are kids who actually -have- been emotionally, sexually and physically abused by friends, family and strangers. One stand out take-away from my work is that many of the kids I work with never been taught to distinguish between whom they can trust and whom they can't. So many of them don't have a sensor and they either trust everyone or they trust no one. Neither absolute of the trust continuum is good.

In general kids need to be told repeatedly that they should not keep secrets from their parents or caregivers because those are the person who need to know enough about their lives to keep them safe. So secrets are not good while surprises are okay.

However, kids also need to hear that their parents and guardians trust their (kids) health and well-being to other people, like Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd. Parents and guardians also should tell the kids that they want the kids to tell them if there is ever anything that makes them worry about Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd.

Frankly if everyone is communicating and parents/guardians are acting within their responsibility areas then the likelihood of abuse goes way down.

I think the issue is that it would be so easy for grandma to switch from the word secret to surprise. It shouldn’t be up to a child to decide who it’s ok to keep secrets from mom with.

Another issue with your post, and not necessarily applicable to OP’s situation, but sometimes parents trust caregivers they shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s a grandparent, babysitter, uncle, or hell, sometimes it’s even the parent, who is abusing the child. If you deal with abuse, then you must know the stats about how often it is someone you know and trust vs some random lady down the street. You also must be familiar with how many victims the average child predator has, and how charming and successful they are to gain access to so many children. If it were easy for kids to navigate and protect themselves, abuse wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and we wouldn’t have to train children and adults to be wary, even of people we should be able to trust.

Oh, dear. Please go back and read her post. You'll find your "issue(s)" more than addressed -- and appropriately so. Don't chime in if you can't be bothered to read and understand. RIF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this honestly. You need to stop posting about every single issue with your wife. You also need to stop overthinking and not hearing your wife. You see every single thing as some attack. It is unhealthy.

Not the Op, but how crazy for you to assume it’s the same person. Dh and I had this same talk with my MIL a few years back.

I did not imply that OP asked the same question on dcum before. I recognize her from her posts about myriad other issues with her wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that y'all have parents who are pedophiles and will rape your children. I cannot empathize at all. People in our social circle are not worried that their parents will rape their children and they don't get offended about every little thing that the grandparents do. YMMV.

You’re an idiot. No one here is worried the grandparents will do anything inappropriate- learn reading comprehension. Little kids aren’t exactly good at nuance - understanding secrets are only ok from grandma/certain adults vs their soccer coach. So you draw a firm line that there are no secrets. It’s not hard to understand and I’d rather be thought of as over protective than regret it. When stories like Sandusky come around, you never hear parents saying oh yeah, definitely suspected it. People are always shocked.

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

But why do kids and grandparents need secrets from mom and dad (or mom, in this case)?

[Anonymous]

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Kids are most likely to be sexually abused by someone known to them. It is understandably too confusing for them to sort our, say, grandma’s secret from abusive uncle’s secret. They cannot judge which one is not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Kids are most likely to be sexually abused by someone known to them. It is understandably too confusing for them to sort our, say, grandma’s secret from abusive uncle’s secret. They cannot judge which one is not okay.

Well, your first statement is true but your conclusion is completely off-base.

Kids are more likely to be abused by someone known to them. However, if a kid doesn't tell or they tell and the adult doesn't act, then that is more evidence of failure in other adults parts and NOT an indication that a kid can't judge whom to trust and whom to not trust. Kids are pretty savvy that way.

So secrets are bad and surprises are okay but parents shouldn't raise kids who cannot and will not trust anyone. That is very, very bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really cute and sweet to me, OP. I think your wife is overreacting, just like all these "all grandparents are pedophiles!" PPs. Your 5 year old - who shared the "secret" with you anyway, for crying out loud! - has more sense than any of them.

I think they’re keeping the secret from the baby, not Moms.

[Anonymous]

Well, your first statement is true but your conclusion is completely off-base.

Kids are more likely to be abused by someone known to them. However, if a kid doesn't tell or they tell and the adult doesn't act, then that is more evidence of failure in other adults parts and NOT an indication that a kid can't judge whom to trust and whom to not trust. Kids are pretty savvy that way.

So secrets are bad and surprises are okay but parents shouldn't raise kids who cannot and will not trust anyone. That is very, very bad.

I suspect I am not to poster you think you are arguing with. I just joined the conversation. I don’t believe you should teach children not to trust important people in their lives. Extended family and close friends are an important part of building their sense of safety and community network. I do believe we as parents should teach children that secrets are something that should be verified with parents, until they are mature enough to begin to judge that for themselves (not a 5-year old).

Please note that these are differences in our philosophies. I am not a “very, very bad” parent if I teach my child to rely on my judgement as I help them develop their own. I am just practicing differently than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife (we are a wife/wife family fyi) had a very odd reaction to a little game the kids started with my mom. We just recently a few weeks ago expanded our bubble and a big part of that has been seeing both my mom and wife parents as well. My oldest (5) told my wife and myself she has a secret thing she does with grandma when baby is asleep. She was all giggles and my wife laughed and played along for a second but then it turned and she got mad. She said it wasnt appropriate for my mom go "do this to Larla, and set these expectations/secret traps." I think shes crazy and we both know my mom wouldnt start anything dangerous. She really didn't come around and really emphasized it made her feel uncomfortable. The secret by the way is they eat popsicles in bed and watch butterbean cafe when the baby is asleep. Totally innocent and something a 5 yr old would think is fun and scandalous. What am I not seeing here? I'm not even particularly close with my mom but dont see any real issue here.

Your Wife is right. teach your child no secrets In our family only surprises. Sadly sex predators exploit this ‘game’. My mom does the same thing and I had to correct her, which flustered her of course. It’s nothing against your mom it’s the precedent it sets for the child. You basically want your kid to say ‘grandma we don’t have secrets in our family but we can have surprises!’

You can easily teach your children the difference between sexual predator secrets and harmless fun ones.

As for your mom, she has my sympathy over your apparent control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Kids are most likely to be sexually abused by someone known to them. It is understandably too confusing for them to sort our, say, grandma’s secret from abusive uncle’s secret. They cannot judge which one is not okay.

Unless you are talking about a toddler to 4 year they sure can know the difference. Well, that assumes you have had the right kind of honest talk with them.

FWIW, I was sexually abused as a child and that kind of discussion hadn't happened. I didn't make that mistake with my children. They were forewarned (informed in such a way that it didn't instill fear) and therefore forearmed.

[Anonymous]

Relevant to this topic, from AAP (https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/news-features-and-safety-tips/Pages/Parent-Tips-for-Preventing-and-Identifying-Child-Sexual-Abuse.aspx)

In most cases, the person who sexually abuses a child is an adult or older child known to the victim, often an authority figure that the child knows, trusts or loves. The offender usually uses coercion and manipulation, not physical force, to engage the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think the issue is that it would be so easy for grandma to switch from the word secret to surprise. It shouldn’t be up to a child to decide who it’s ok to keep secrets from mom with.

Another issue with your post, and not necessarily applicable to OP’s situation, but sometimes parents trust caregivers they shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s a grandparent, babysitter, uncle, or hell, sometimes it’s even the parent, who is abusing the child. If you deal with abuse, then you must know the stats about how often it is someone you know and trust vs some random lady down the street. You also must be familiar with how many victims the average child predator has, and how charming and successful they are to gain access to so many children. If it were easy for kids to navigate and protect themselves, abuse wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and we wouldn’t have to train children and adults to be wary, even of people we should be able to trust.

The flip side of that is it would be so easy for pedophiles to switch from the word secret to surprise. The secret/surprise dichotomy is a false sense of security for parents to protect against predators. And the real issue here is DH and MIL not respecting OP's boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think the issue is that it would be so easy for grandma to switch from the word secret to surprise. It shouldn’t be up to a child to decide who it’s ok to keep secrets from mom with.

Another issue with your post, and not necessarily applicable to OP’s situation, but sometimes parents trust caregivers they shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s a grandparent, babysitter, uncle, or hell, sometimes it’s even the parent, who is abusing the child. If you deal with abuse, then you must know the stats about how often it is someone you know and trust vs some random lady down the street. You also must be familiar with how many victims the average child predator has, and how charming and successful they are to gain access to so many children. If it were easy for kids to navigate and protect themselves, abuse wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and we wouldn’t have to train children and adults to be wary, even of people we should be able to trust.

The flip side of that is it would be so easy for pedophiles to switch from the word secret to surprise. The secret/surprise dichotomy is a false sense of security for parents to protect against predators. And the real issue here is DH and MIL not respecting OP's boundaries.

Or the OP has had issues with her MIL, and maybe is a bit of a control freak, and this is a bone she feels she can pick and appear to be righteous in her crusade.