Wife's odd reaction to my parents and "fun secrets"

[Anonymous]

I think your wife made a BIG mistake in making her reaction in front of your daughter. Your wife needs to learn to control her emotions better and also not erode trust by your child/ren in other caretakers because of her emotional outbursts.

That said, surprises for Mommy and Momma are fine, but no secrets from Mommy and Momma. Teach Grandma to change her verbiage and you'll be good. Popsicles in bed while watching a video sound like a fun time for Grandma and Granddaughter!

[Anonymous]

No secrets. With anyone. Kids need to know that.

[Anonymous]

My parents have a ton of grandkids (mine are the youngest of the bunch) and I had to have this conversation with them. Also had to tell them it was not okay to guilt/pressure for hugs and kisses. Once I explained the issue (we want kids to understand these things as brightline rules to protect them from predators outside the family), my parents totally got it and agreed completely that this was a very good idea. The idea thar a bad person could suggest a “fun secret from mom” was terrifying to them, and they agreed that “no secrets from mom” is really the best rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really cute and sweet to me, OP. I think your wife is overreacting, just like all these "all grandparents are pedophiles!" PPs. Your 5 year old - who shared the "secret" with you anyway, for crying out loud! - has more sense than any of them.

Woosh. Right over your head. No one is saying the grandparents are pedophiles. It is the behavior/language that abusers use, and so it should be off-limits in all instances. Even otherwise harmless instances like the popsicles in bed.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is correct. Sexual predators of children most often tell them their activists together are “secret”. That’s why family policy should be there are secrets kept by children from parents/caring adults. I’m sure your mom’s little thing is innocent and she meant no harm, just trying to create a little something special between her and her grandchild. But no one should tell a child to keep secrets from their parents, opens the door to ugly situations. Your mom probably is completely unaware of the implications of this. Wouldn’t over react, just would say it’s important not to tell children to keep secrets.

[Anonymous]

I have a niece who is almost five. I assume her parents would have an issue if I told her we were going to keep a secret. Because it is inappropriate for an adult to tell a child to keep anything they do a secret. My niece has told me her secrets, and that's fine. So far her secrets have been that she wanted me to give her red, pink and purple stickers for Hanukah and that our cousin got a dog (the dog was all over social media - it wasn't a secret).

Your wife and you should discourage any adults from getting your kid to keep any secrets.

[Anonymous]

I would think your wife had been abused and was aware of the 'grooming' process. I do not think that is what your mother was doing. I do think it would be good to have a 'please don't use the word secret' conversation with your mother but try not to tip her off that your wife is the reason for the awkward conversation.

(I totally get the issue with the concept of secrets but I'd cut slack for female/grandmothers for lawd's sake).

[Anonymous]

Your wife is right. It isn't good to teach kids to have secrets from a parent. It means that person can then get the kid to keep other secrets that really should be told to the parent. It teaches the kid that they can have secrets from their parents which can be dangerous especially if a predator then also comes up with a fun secret.

Even though your mom didn't do it with any malice why does she need it to be a secret. Keeping secrets from parents is just slightly creepy to me and what other things are being said to keep the secret "Oh we have to keep this a secret otherwise mommy will get angry". Does she put your wife down this way.

In a way it is a way to create a division between child and parent. It's really not good, it's not sweet and it's not nice.

[Anonymous]

NP Interesting comments about pedophiles. I wouldn’t have been upset at grandma, but people are making good points about the danger of “secrets”. Always good to keep an open mind

[Anonymous]

Emphasizing again that it’s important grandma knows that your objection has ZERO to do with anyone suspecting HER of doing anything questionable! It’s the idea that if your child thinks that keeping secrets from mom and dad is something fun or acceptable then this might open the child up to a vulnerable and exploitable situation if some predatory adult tries the “let’s keep this secret between us” trick in order to sexually abuse.

Again—no one (including your wife) suspects grandma based on this scenario.

[Anonymous]

I was sexually abused as a kid...and I think your wife's reaction is overwrought and sad. Your kid is NOT keeping a secret, quite obviously. And the "secret" she is keeping, or not keeping, is so innocuous and wholesome and APPROPRIATE. While her baby sister is sleeping she and grandma eat popsicles and watch TV?

Laugh with her at this fun with grandma and her specialness to have this treat. I can't for the life of me see how this would set her up for "grooming" by a pedophile...to know that while her sister is sleeping, she and grandma have secret popsicles and tv together...that translates into the notion that secrets should be kept from Mom and Mommy about strangers touching her body? This is so incredibly farfetched.

By the way, the whole "grooming" phenomenon is statistically very over-focused on by parents. I know when I was molested, it was very much a crime of opportunity for the pedophile. He didn't know my brother and me before that day and we happened to be playing alone. Supervising your children is much more important that installing this fear of their loved ones in them, as if never having secret popsicles with grandma somehow protects you from being sexually molested? No, it doesn't. False correlation and anxiety talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think your wife had been abused and was aware of the 'grooming' process. I do not think that is what your mother was doing. I do think it would be good to have a 'please don't use the word secret' conversation with your mother but try not to tip her off that your wife is the reason for the awkward conversation.

(I totally get the issue with the concept of secrets but I'd cut slack for female/grandmothers for lawd's sake).

You're a moron if you think that means the wife has been abused and isn't simply educated. Of course she reacted swiftly and harshly, it's the exact thing someone grooming a child would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was sexually abused as a kid...and I think your wife's reaction is overwrought and sad. Your kid is NOT keeping a secret, quite obviously. And the "secret" she is keeping, or not keeping, is so innocuous and wholesome and APPROPRIATE. While her baby sister is sleeping she and grandma eat popsicles and watch TV?

Laugh with her at this fun with grandma and her specialness to have this treat. I can't for the life of me see how this would set her up for "grooming" by a pedophile...to know that while her sister is sleeping, she and grandma have secret popsicles and tv together...that translates into the notion that secrets should be kept from Mom and Mommy about strangers touching her body? This is so incredibly farfetched.

By the way, the whole "grooming" phenomenon is statistically very over-focused on by parents. I know when I was molested, it was very much a crime of opportunity for the pedophile. He didn't know my brother and me before that day and we happened to be playing alone. Supervising your children is much more important that installing this fear of their loved ones in them, as if never having secret popsicles with grandma somehow protects you from being sexually molested? No, it doesn't. False correlation and anxiety talking.

Sorry about your trauma, but surely you must know that your case of abuse was actually the farfetched one. It's infinitely more common for children to be abused by someone they know. A trusted family member or friend. Actually, most people don't realize how prolific pedophiles are.

They aren't instilling fear but drawing a hard line at secrets. I don't think you've healed enough to weigh in here.

[Anonymous]

I say this honestly. You need to stop posting about every single issue with your wife. You also need to stop overthinking and not hearing your wife. You see every single thing as some attack. It is unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Never teach kids secrets are okay!!!!!!!

That is how abuse happens.