Wife's odd reaction to my parents and "fun secrets"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Well, your first statement is true but your conclusion is completely off-base.

Kids are more likely to be abused by someone known to them. However, if a kid doesn't tell or they tell and the adult doesn't act, then that is more evidence of failure in other adults parts and NOT an indication that a kid can't judge whom to trust and whom to not trust. Kids are pretty savvy that way.

So secrets are bad and surprises are okay but parents shouldn't raise kids who cannot and will not trust anyone. That is very, very bad.

I suspect I am not to poster you think you are arguing with. I just joined the conversation. I don’t believe you should teach children not to trust important people in their lives. Extended family and close friends are an important part of building their sense of safety and community network. I do believe we as parents should teach children that secrets are something that should be verified with parents, until they are mature enough to begin to judge that for themselves (not a 5-year old).

Please note that these are differences in our philosophies. I am not a “very, very bad” parent if I teach my child to rely on my judgement as I help them develop their own. I am just practicing differently than you.

Your reply is not in context and is twisting the response. Those qualities actually do make you a very, very bad person if that is part of your normal reaction to anything. I went back to read the WHOLE post. DP btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No child should be asked to keep a secret from a parent.

+1

We've made it clear to our kid that NO ONE should ever ask her to keep a secret from us, and even if they do, she can -- and should -- always tell us. We draw a distinction between secrets and surprises -- surprises are okay, because you are going to tell the parent, you are just waiting to make it fun, like a surprise gift or a surprise party.

It's not that I don't trust my parents or in-laws. It's because I don't trust other people who might ask the kid to keep secrets. So I'd rather she never get in the habit of it or have it normalized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really cute and sweet to me, OP. I think your wife is overreacting, just like all these "all grandparents are pedophiles!" PPs. Your 5 year old - who shared the "secret" with you anyway, for crying out loud! - has more sense than any of them.

Agree. Grandma may never even tried to hide it and your kid just thought since the baby didn’t know it was a “secret”.

This - was the intent that is was a secret from the baby or from you? Sounds like it was supposed to be a secret from the baby, IMO, if it was ever really a secret at all.

I'd let this time slide and just keep an eye on it. At a different time, I'd look up the script on secret-keeping and go over it with your child. I think our pediatrician actually did this with us at checkups or it was addressed at school.

[Anonymous]

Kids should never be told to keep secrets from parents. Its then1st thing I taught my children. There nonsecrets between us.

[Anonymous]

Although it seems unnecessary to you, it clearly makes your wife very uncomfortable, so I would respect her wishes on it—and ask her to share more with you about what makes it important, rather than the folks here who can only guess.

[Anonymous]

You know about the popsicles so it' not a secret. There's a lot of overreaction here.

[Anonymous]

You don’t teach children to keep secrets from parents. That is grooming 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife (we are a wife/wife family fyi) had a very odd reaction to a little game the kids started with my mom. We just recently a few weeks ago expanded our bubble and a big part of that has been seeing both my mom and wife parents as well. My oldest (5) told my wife and myself she has a secret thing she does with grandma when baby is asleep. She was all giggles and my wife laughed and played along for a second but then it turned and she got mad. She said it wasnt appropriate for my mom go "do this to Larla, and set these expectations/secret traps." I think shes crazy and we both know my mom wouldnt start anything dangerous. She really didn't come around and really emphasized it made her feel uncomfortable. The secret by the way is they eat popsicles in bed and watch butterbean cafe when the baby is asleep. Totally innocent and something a 5 yr old would think is fun and scandalous. What am I not seeing here? I'm not even particularly close with my mom but dont see any real issue here.

Your Wife is right. teach your child no secrets In our family only surprises. Sadly sex predators exploit this ‘game’. My mom does the same thing and I had to correct her, which flustered her of course. It’s nothing against your mom it’s the precedent it sets for the child. You basically want your kid to say ‘grandma we don’t have secrets in our family but we can have surprises!’

True - worst case scenario.

But even the best case scenario is still bad: Keeping secrets from your parents. Breaking house rules.

It's disrespectful to do both of the above. And terrible if "grooming" a child.

Grandparents should be trying to instill good values and eating habits with their grandchildren. Not secrets and sneaking sugary treats in bed and extra screentime.

Tell grandma to teach granddaughter something during baby naptime, not screentime. sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I understand your wife. If someone told my children let's keep a secret from your parents I would see that as undermining me.
Be honest. Is your mom setting herself up as the good guy versus you and your wife? Has she done something like this before?

when one set of grandparents here does it, it's sad. they seem to be trying to bribe and win over lots of kisses, hugs, and special secret treats all day instead of developing a real connection or conversation with a grandchild.

[Anonymous]

I have a (female) friend who was molested by her grandmother as a child. She was told to keep it a secret. She did eventually tell her mother - who didn't believe her.

She has done a lot of work on herself to try to live a normal life but she is a traumatized human being even at 40.

I'll err on the side of caution, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is right. It isn't good to teach kids to have secrets from a parent. It means that person can then get the kid to keep other secrets that really should be told to the parent. It teaches the kid that they can have secrets from their parents which can be dangerous especially if a predator then also comes up with a fun secret.

Even though your mom didn't do it with any malice why does she need it to be a secret. Keeping secrets from parents is just slightly creepy to me and what other things are being said to keep the secret "Oh we have to keep this a secret otherwise mommy will get angry". Does she put your wife down this way.

In a way it is a way to create a division between child and parent. It's really not good, it's not sweet and it's not nice.

Ugh! I so don’t want to agree with this but I must. It’s like one upping. Grandparents are infamous for this game. Surprises are okay. Secrets no.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet you op and her wife are nuts about sugar and grandma gave granddd an ice cream! If it is something like that what is sad is that grandma feels she needs to keep it a secret something so innocent. Most likely bcs she knows her own grandma and DIL will overact like nuts. Or, the horror she gave kid some fruit! We all know lunatics on dcum who deny their kids fruit bcs it has sugar!

I know! It's just soooo much easier on yourself to just give the kid some sugar, fruit or Mac & Cheese instead of instilling good eating and vitamin/mineral/protein filled foods!

[Anonymous]

I think games like this are fun but I also take the danger of 'secrets' very seriously. I tackle this by telling my kids that no matter who tells them anything, there are no secrets between them and mommy and daddy. They can have fun secrets without their siblings or from their grandparents or friends, but they can and should always tell mommy and daddy anything and if anyone wants them to keep something from us they should tell us. I tell my daughter explicitly about how some secrets, like that game, can be fun, but other times people can use secrets to hide bad things and that is never ok.

Kids understand more than people give them credit for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think games like this are fun but I also take the danger of 'secrets' very seriously. I tackle this by telling my kids that no matter who tells them anything, there are no secrets between them and mommy and daddy. They can have fun secrets without their siblings or from their grandparents or friends, but they can and should always tell mommy and daddy anything and if anyone wants them to keep something from us they should tell us. I tell my daughter explicitly about how some secrets, like that game, can be fun, but other times people can use secrets to hide bad things and that is never ok.

Kids understand more than people give them credit for.

And just to add, I prefer this approach for two reasons

1) Secrets are a part of life. Someone, sometime, will want to have some type of secret. So I would rather teach them about the different kinds then leave them unprepared to deal with a bad one if it presents
2) Things like this ARE fun and enjoyable and kids should be able to experience that. Part of growing up and finding yourself (after being a small kid) is in fact not telling your parents everything and having independent relationships with people and being able to figure out how to manage that.

[Anonymous]

It's best not to train kids to keep secrets, even silly ones.

People who have been abused in childhood by neighbors, mistreated by friends, or had to hide circumstances at home know this.