Wife's odd reaction to my parents and "fun secrets"

[Anonymous]

We don't do secrets. But we are also lenient about what he does with grandparents. Junk food, juice, staying up late, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife (we are a wife/wife family fyi) had a very odd reaction to a little game the kids started with my mom. We just recently a few weeks ago expanded our bubble and a big part of that has been seeing both my mom and wife parents as well. My oldest (5) told my wife and myself she has a secret thing she does with grandma when baby is asleep. She was all giggles and my wife laughed and played along for a second but then it turned and she got mad. She said it wasnt appropriate for my mom go "do this to Larla, and set these expectations/secret traps." I think shes crazy and we both know my mom wouldnt start anything dangerous. She really didn't come around and really emphasized it made her feel uncomfortable. The secret by the way is they eat popsicles in bed and watch butterbean cafe when the baby is asleep. Totally innocent and something a 5 yr old would think is fun and scandalous. What am I not seeing here? I'm not even particularly close with my mom but dont see any real issue here.

Your Wife is right. teach your child no secrets In our family only surprises. Sadly sex predators exploit this ‘game’. My mom does the same thing and I had to correct her, which flustered her of course. It’s nothing against your mom it’s the precedent it sets for the child. You basically want your kid to say ‘grandma we don’t have secrets in our family but we can have surprises!’

+1. Surprises are great, secrets are not, especially those that happen in the bedroom (not that grandma is doing anything inappropriate)

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is right. It isn't good to teach kids to have secrets from a parent. It means that person can then get the kid to keep other secrets that really should be told to the parent. It teaches the kid that they can have secrets from their parents which can be dangerous especially if a predator then also comes up with a fun secret.

Even though your mom didn't do it with any malice why does she need it to be a secret. Keeping secrets from parents is just slightly creepy to me and what other things are being said to keep the secret "Oh we have to keep this a secret otherwise mommy will get angry". Does she put your wife down this way.

In a way it is a way to create a division between child and parent. It's really not good, it's not sweet and it's not nice.

Ugh! I so don’t want to agree with this but I must. It’s like one upping. Grandparents are infamous for this game. Surprises are okay. Secrets no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was sexually abused as a kid...and I think your wife's reaction is overwrought and sad. Your kid is NOT keeping a secret, quite obviously. And the "secret" she is keeping, or not keeping, is so innocuous and wholesome and APPROPRIATE. While her baby sister is sleeping she and grandma eat popsicles and watch TV?

Laugh with her at this fun with grandma and her specialness to have this treat. I can't for the life of me see how this would set her up for "grooming" bypedophile...to know that while her sister is sleeping, she and grandma have secret popsicles and tv together...that translates into the notion that secrets should be kept from Mom and Mommy about strangers touching her body? This is so incredibly farfetched.

By the way, the whole "grooming" phenomenon is statistically very over-focused on by parents. I know when I was molested, it was very much a crime of opportunity for the pedophile. He didn't know my brother and me before that day and we happened to be playing alone. Supervising your children is much more important that installing this fear of their loved ones in them,
as if never having secret popsicles with grandma somehow protects you from being sexually molested? No, it doesn't. False correlation and anxiety talking. [/quote


Just because you weren’t groomed doesn’t mean that other people weren’t. This isn’t some made up theory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this honestly. You need to stop posting about every single issue with your wife. You also need to stop overthinking and not hearing your wife. You see every single thing as some attack. It is unhealthy.

Not the Op, but how crazy for you to assume it’s the same person. Dh and I had this same talk with my MIL a few years back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that y'all have parents who are pedophiles and will rape your children. I cannot empathize at all. People in our social circle are not worried that their parents will rape their children and they don't get offended about every little thing that the grandparents do. YMMV.

You need to learn to read for comprehension.

[Anonymous]

That's not the way to have fun ...

Op, though the example is innocuous, it's not the best approach to fun. Secrets, experiencing joy by being sneeky -- yes, something to discourage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that y'all have parents who are pedophiles and will rape your children. I cannot empathize at all. People in our social circle are not worried that their parents will rape their children and they don't get offended about every little thing that the grandparents do. YMMV.

You’re an idiot. No one here is worried the grandparents will do anything inappropriate- learn reading comprehension. Little kids aren’t exactly good at nuance - understanding secrets are only ok from grandma/certain adults vs their soccer coach. So you draw a firm line that there are no secrets. It’s not hard to understand and I’d rather be thought of as over protective than regret it. When stories like Sandusky come around, you never hear parents saying oh yeah, definitely suspected it. People are always shocked.

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Really little kids are, in fact, not always capable of making that distinction.

As evidenced by LIFE. Sandusky, Nassir, ice skating coaches (rampant problem in that sport), priest, etc. Do you ever read a newspaper?

There is a huge difference between the names and figures you're quoting and OP's mother. Please get a grip and don't raise your child to be afraid of everything and everyone. You're doing more harm than good when you do that. Even a toddler can tell the difference between Grandma and the stranger down the street. And OP would not be randomly leaving her kid with the stranger down the street. It is very worrisome about the state of your mental health that you don't understand this.

FWIW I work with high risk kids, these are kids who actually -have- been emotionally, sexually and physically abused by friends, family and strangers. One stand out take-away from my work is that many of the kids I work with never been taught to distinguish between whom they can trust and whom they can't. So many of them don't have a sensor and they either trust everyone or they trust no one. Neither absolute of the trust continuum is good.

In general kids need to be told repeatedly that they should not keep secrets from their parents or caregivers because those are the person who need to know enough about their lives to keep them safe. So secrets are not good while surprises are okay.

However, kids also need to hear that their parents and guardians trust their (kids) health and well-being to other people, like Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd. Parents and guardians also should tell the kids that they want the kids to tell them if there is ever anything that makes them worry about Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd.

Frankly if everyone is communicating and parents/guardians are acting within their responsibility areas then the likelihood of abuse goes way down.

[Anonymous]

OP I understand your wife. If someone told my children let's keep a secret from your parents I would see that as undermining me.
Be honest. Is your mom setting herself up as the good guy versus you and your wife? Has she done something like this before?

[Anonymous]

I think teaching a kid that it’s ok to keep secrets, no matter how benign, is not good, and very inappropriate of your mom. Team wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I understand your wife. If someone told my children let's keep a secret from your parents I would see that as undermining me.
Be honest. Is your mom setting herself up as the good guy versus you and your wife? Has she done something like this before?

+1 on telling s child to keep a secret. Ask your mom to rephrase it as "fun Larla & Grandma time" but don't make anything a secret. Yout mom may be completely innocent but she's making keeping secrets fun and your child could become a target in other situations.

[Anonymous]

It's weird that Grandma wants to make it a secret. I agree that kids should never keep secrets. Secrets are usually something unacceptable or you wouldn't hide it.

[Anonymous]

I think “secret” was a poor choice of words coming from a grandma who has no idea how loaded that term/concept is. You need to have the talk but I think she might think you both are nuts. Good luck- hope you can find the few words necessary to address this, explain it, yet also not make it a big deal.

I say this as someone with a Mum/ MIL who would understand/agree/comply.... but man do I have a lot of friends with rogue parents who would use this to start WW3, especially if there has ever been previous drama between parent / spouse. Only you know the history and if you need to tread lightly.

[Anonymous]

I bet you op and her wife are nuts about sugar and grandma gave granddd an ice cream! If it is something like that what is sad is that grandma feels she needs to keep it a secret something so innocent. Most likely bcs she knows her own grandma and DIL will overact like nuts. Or, the horror she gave kid some fruit! We all know lunatics on dcum who deny their kids fruit bcs it has sugar!

[Anonymous]

Your wife is right. Your mom might be innocent but that’s how predators work.

I’d tell your child that secrets are okay, but not with the moms. You can’t keep secrets from mom.