Some questions about adoption!

[Anonymous]

I am troubled by the Korean PP's phrasing of "why her parents were WILLING to adopt a child from Asia."

WILLING to adopt? My own phrasing is "excited as hell to adopt! ". And even more enthusiasm from my own parents who finally were getting a grandchild! They are now in their 80s and still say it was the best news of their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

And a decent homestudy would explore this dynamic, and weed out such a prospective parent.

No it wouldn't. There has to be something pretty bad to get denied approval of a home study. That is not reason to deny someone.

Adoption was our first choice.

Ours too. When we were dating I told my future husband I fully expected to adopt any future children. My future husband replied "Cool. Which country? " We love our 2 daughters from China beyond belief.

[Anonymous]

^^
and like others posted, they are cute and smart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

I don’t get the whole culture around ppl being “called” to adoption or that parents won’t love the kid as much if they are adopted after infertility. It’s truly gross. Who cares if it was her last choice? Was it birth parents first choice to put their kid for for adoption?? [/quote

+1. Totally agree. Anyone who's gone through that much with infertility is desperate for a child. Guaranteed that child is as wanted and dreamed for as any other child. People can have many concerns with adoption that aren't about pregnancy or the genetic connection (which wouldn't be there with donor gametes anyways) or can have insurance coverage for fertility treatment that makes it much more affordable than adoption. Don't judge what you don't know, PPs.

And also agree about people being "called". That's saviorism and about the parents, not the child. I question those people's motivations much more than someone who's been through hell and back trying to become a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes--know that the idea of mentally stable college students who get pregnant and wants to loving place their child for adoption so they can go on to grad school is basically a myth. People choose adoption because they feel like they can't give their child a good life--and that's often because of substance abuse, learning disabilities, domestic violence, mental health issues, etc. These things affect a fetus and the baby/child/adult it becomes. Even the run-of-the-mill stress of maternal poverty affects people in lifelong ways. These things can sometimes be overcome or compensated for, but it can be tough and you don't know.

Except that I knew an biological mom who fit this bill exactly.

She got pregnant from a one night stand, and wanted to carry on with her original plan of college, etc. The adoptive mom now knows the family well, and that really was the whole story.

Yeah our daughter’s birth mom is this exactly as well. It’s definitely not common, but it’s not a myth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

“Angry Asian adoptee” here. I was adopted from South Korea in the 1980s. Are you aware that now in 2020 with Korea being a wealthy country they give more money per month for a child born out of wedlock to 1) orphanages if they take them 2) domestic adoptive parents if they adopt them than assistance to the birth mom if she keeps her child, which many of them want to do?

I also grew up in a white family that told me race doesn’t matter and hearing all sorts of racism about black people and “illegals”. Let me tell you, growing up as a minority in a racist family it is hard to form a healthy identity. And if you’re curious why my parents were willing to adopt an Asian baby it’s because they “are so cute and smart.”

Don’t get me wrong - there are still lots of kids who need homes now. But don’t you dare say that the people working on the ground to protect poor mothers of color against systemic abuse are just “angry adoptees.” There is a lot you don’t know and you’re just showing your ignorance.

Your problem is not that you were adopted, it is that you got bad parents. I am sorry about that. It happens to kids everyday (regardless of how they enter their family), and they all deserve better. As recommended above...therapy might help you sort out your issues, which are complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

And a decent homestudy would explore this dynamic, and weed out such a prospective parent.

No it wouldn't. There has to be something pretty bad to get denied approval of a home study. That is not reason to deny someone.

Adoption was our first choice.

Any qualified adoptions social worker explores whether the adoptive family has "grieved" Plan A, if it was not adoption. They are supposed to have made peace with that and embrace adoption, before they are approved for a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

And a decent homestudy would explore this dynamic, and weed out such a prospective parent.

No it wouldn't. There has to be something pretty bad to get denied approval of a home study. That is not reason to deny someone.

Adoption was our first choice.

Ours too. When we were dating I told my future husband I fully expected to adopt any future children. My future husband replied "Cool. Which country? " We love our 2 daughters from China beyond belief.

It doesn’t make you superior to others in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

The opposite of being raised in an orphanage is not growing up in the US.

Adoption creates FAMILIES

Are you glad you have a family?

That what adoption gives babies.

It is only legal (in the US) when being raised by their birth family is not a viable option. So, it is remedying an existing problem, for the baby's welfare.

Kids are not snatched from healthy, happy homes for the benefit of adoptive parents. That is a distortion of the concept of adoption.

You’re living in dream land. Adoption may create families, but it also destroys families and rips families apart. The domestic and international adoption industries are both rife with coercion, abuse, and outright baby-selling. At best, a young woman in poverty with little societal support is taught by an “adoption counselor” that the highest form of selflessness and love is to give her baby “a better life”. She may be desperate enough to accept financial support so she can have safe housing and prenatal care during pregnancy, and then Even if she is told that she can change her mind until the last minute, she is hounded and guilted if she does so. Some agencies have the prospective adopters even lurking at the hospital while the infant is delivered and mothers are pressured into signing relinquishment papers immediately after delivery, when they are in a maelstrom of pain and emotions and this happy, crying couple who Supported her financially are beaming down with joy and thanking her...and in many states, once a post partum woman signs relinquishment papers, there is no revocation period. It’s coercive.


I contrast that with genuine orphans or children in severe neglect situations. But it’s important for people to know that those are very rare, and that many social service agencies run on anti-poverty bias and systemic racism. Adoption outside the biological family should be extremely rare if the bio family wishes to parent a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

“Angry Asian adoptee” here. I was adopted from South Korea in the 1980s. Are you aware that now in 2020 with Korea being a wealthy country they give more money per month for a child born out of wedlock to 1) orphanages if they take them 2) domestic adoptive parents if they adopt them than assistance to the birth mom if she keeps her child, which many of them want to do?

I also grew up in a white family that told me race doesn’t matter and hearing all sorts of racism about black people and “illegals”. Let me tell you, growing up as a minority in a racist family it is hard to form a healthy identity. And if you’re curious why my parents were willing to adopt an Asian baby it’s because they “are so cute and smart.”

Don’t get me wrong - there are still lots of kids who need homes now. But don’t you dare say that the people working on the ground to protect poor mothers of color against systemic abuse are just “angry adoptees.” There is a lot you don’t know and you’re just showing your ignorance.

Your problem is not that you were adopted, it is that you got bad parents. I am sorry about that. It happens to kids everyday (regardless of how they enter their family), and they all deserve better. As recommended above...therapy might help you sort out your issues, which are complex.

What you are ignoring in what PP said is that there is an adoption industry that created a market and incentivizes children to be taken from parents who otherwise desperately want to raise their babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Area adult adoptees saying they would rather not be adopted and stay in an orphanage?

Well I guess it depends on the adoptee. Some would have rather grown up in their birth countries and others are happy they’re adopted. Since you have no idea what your future child is going to think, that’s why I recommended people talk to adult adoptees first.

This is one of the strangest comments I've seen. Seriously, you believe there is a population of adoptees that would have rather been raised in orphanages? Have you seen these orphanages? Do you realize that kids get moved out at age 16 and have to fend for themselves with no money, no skills, no education and no family? Maybe if the child ended up in an abusive adoptive home, that would be the case. But that would be a rare exception.

Everyone, adopted or not, has dreams of what life would have been like had they been in their perfect world. Heck, I wish I had been raised by rich people who could have afforded to pay for my education, a down payment on my house and travel. So, maybe some who were adopted and brought to the US would have rather been raised in their home countries. But, adoption was not the cause of that not happening. That was abandonment that resulted in instutionalization.

You really do not know much about actual circumstances of adoptions. “Abandonment” to orphanages by shine who actually does not wish to parent is extraordinarily rare.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread explains why we decided not to adopt and remain childless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These horrible scenarios are not the ones my large adoption network of families encounter. And yes, we are thoroughly vetted, unlike parents who carry a child directly home from a hospital to a god-knows-what situation.

If any potential adoptive parent has even considered that their adopted child is any less/different/2nd best/whatever to a biological child, they should not be adopting children.

No child should feel like a "consolation prize" -- and that is on the responsibility of the parent. It is not up to any adopted child to "prove" they are as desirable as a natural-born one.

My 2 born-in-Asia daughters KNOW they were my first choice . I never even considered pregnancy.

I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

And a decent homestudy would explore this dynamic, and weed out such a prospective parent.

No it wouldn't. There has to be something pretty bad to get denied approval of a home study. That is not reason to deny someone.

Adoption was our first choice.

Any qualified adoptions social worker explores whether the adoptive family has "grieved" Plan A, if it was not adoption. They are supposed to have made peace with that and embrace adoption, before they are approved for a child.

Some agencies push it, others don't. We had an issue with one agency who said we had to grieve in their classes and we told them adoption was our first choice so we'd grieve if we couldn't adopt and they were pissed. You can easily lie and pass a homestudy. Its a very simple basic process that is just interviews, home check and medical. Anyone can lie about their feelings to adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who tried pregnancy, surrogacy, donor egg, -- well, everything -- before "resorting" to adoption. I hope to god her gorgeous smart now-6-year old daughter never finds out the mom did everything possible not to "have to" adopt. Some "parents" are just better not being parents.

What a disgusting thing to say about someone trying to desperately become a mother. You should be ashamed of yourself instead of being so smug.

Agreed. And, there are internet boards full of so-called angry Asian adoptees, some of whom are working in their country of origin to shut down international adoption. Smug parent shouldn’t be so sure that her fellow adoptive parent cohort are good parents, despite being thoroughly vetted.

“Angry Asian adoptee” here. I was adopted from South Korea in the 1980s. Are you aware that now in 2020 with Korea being a wealthy country they give more money per month for a child born out of wedlock to 1) orphanages if they take them 2) domestic adoptive parents if they adopt them than assistance to the birth mom if she keeps her child, which many of them want to do?

I also grew up in a white family that told me race doesn’t matter and hearing all sorts of racism about black people and “illegals”. Let me tell you, growing up as a minority in a racist family it is hard to form a healthy identity. And if you’re curious why my parents were willing to adopt an Asian baby it’s because they “are so cute and smart.”

Don’t get me wrong - there are still lots of kids who need homes now. But don’t you dare say that the people working on the ground to protect poor mothers of color against systemic abuse are just “angry adoptees.” There is a lot you don’t know and you’re just showing your ignorance.

Your problem is not that you were adopted, it is that you got bad parents. I am sorry about that. It happens to kids everyday (regardless of how they enter their family), and they all deserve better. As recommended above...therapy might help you sort out your issues, which are complex.

What you are ignoring in what PP said is that there is an adoption industry that created a market and incentivizes children to be taken from parents who otherwise desperately want to raise their babies.

Ignore that poster who clearly doesn't understand what the one poster was saying.

[Anonymous]

i see the anti-adoption troll is back, a few posts above. We -- an adoption-formed family -- have been reading her crap on these boards for years.

We have our perfect family -- 3 adopted kids -- one from Vietnam, 2 from Ethiopia. No reason to consider pregnancy when such great kids are out there are waiting for you. That's a quote from my oldest daughter.