Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous]I think about my dad, who had at least 2 affairs (The second is my stepmom, has lasted longer than my parents marriage).

In his case, my mom was mentally ill, at a certain point, and I think he did so so much to try to get her better, but she blamed him/us/family on her disappointments. she had a terrible chiildhood with a toxic mother, who died when I was born, and something fell apart in my mom. My dad was the son of an alcoholic mom and a father who died when he was a teen so he had a complex about needy women--both drawn and repulsed.

anyway, I believe he had the affairs because they kept him sane in a relationship with my mother. He didn't leave her because in the 1970s, with her as a SAHM (even though she didn't do much, given her depression he finally hired a live in housekeeper to help out) she would get custody and that would be bad for us since she was emotinally/mentally unstable.

ultimately she found out about the second one when I was a young teen, kicked my father out and had a nervous breakdown. I became the parent to her, and she would rant and scream for hours about him, I'd come home from school to find her crying, or up all night yelling and talking about him but all the other injustices of her life. It was deeply scarring.

None of this really absolves my dad, who is basically a selfish person and once my mom kicked him out he moved straight in with stepmom who was horrible to us. I dont blame him for the affairs, but I cannot believe he would stay with someone who was so cruel to his own children. That's what really hit me after I had kids.

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anyway, in my yougner adult years I had no idea how to deal with conflict, and in one or two boyfriend situations that were (surprise surprise) not that healthy I started dating/looking around at other men. I felt that i couldn't "leave" these boyfriends who were all messed up and "needed me" but I also resented them and their emotional impositions, and justified looking elsewhere because I knew I deserved better and at the same time felt like I desesrved worse.

fortunately I did a lot of therapy and got past this as an adult and am in  a marriage where I just can't see cheating. I mean, we are committed to staying together and are honest about ourproblems, IF they got really bad, we would separate but I also just dont put myself in any position of temptation. [/quote]

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