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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]+1 to the hostess/wife idea.  Your sporadic presence creates role ambiguity for her and distresses her, she doesn't know how to behave so she flees.

It seems like she's vigorously defending her boundaries because she knows they won't be respected.  Talking with her mother seems really boundary-crossing, even if you did it with good intent.  The pool thing too.  Now her friends are seeing her father date, and that is gross and embarrassing for any teen.  If she lets down her hostility, you will just push for more contact and intrude more into her home and her time with her dad.  Eventually with your children, who are annoying to teens like all younger children are, and she will be expected to play fake happy family and help care for them.  She can see where this is going, and she doesn't like it-- why would she?  You're just another random woman to her and dating her dad doean't automatically make her like you.  Children get to not like people, just like adults do.  "Operate as a family" = you are always around, with your kids, sucking up dad's time and attention and making them all do things age-appropriate for little kids instead of what teens want.  Overriding their traditions, imposing your preferences, lots and lots of compromise, it sucks.  Why would any teen want that?

Consider that what you are seeing may be the tip of the iceberg.  Why does the mom only have 30% custody?  That is a red flag to me.  Or maybe the daughter has a more serious mental health issue, depression can often manifest as hostility.  Or maybe the daughter knows something you don't (like that her dad is a cheater) and she doesn't want to tell you but she can't cope with holding it in.  And don't be so quick to assume his other children actually like you, even if he says they do.  Divorced parents are often in denial about that.  Your presence creates a lot of drama for everyone, and it probably makes the boys like you less, even if they tell their father what he wants to hear or are polite to you because it is less hassle.

Bottom line, stop thinking you can have the family you want or are entitled to pressure other people until you get it.  You wouldn't like being treated this way.  She doesn't have the family she wanted, and she never will, so why should anyone else?  If you want things to be simple, don't date men with kids.[/quote]

Op here. Her mom reached out to me. She knew her ex (my bf) and I were getting serious and that we would run into each other and wanted to meet. She also explicitly wanted to apologize for her daughters behavior.

Here is what sucks. What’s the point in waiting all this time to introduce the kids if then you have to break up because one of them doesn’t like it???  Also as an aside, she sometimes does fine with me. She came to my house twice with her dad to “hang out” and we had a grand old time.  But then the next time I saw her was like that never happened.  Is it because lots of time lapses in between my visits???[/quote]

Ok, so her mom is also violating her boundaries, and you're going along with it.  She has no adult in her life who respects her boundaries, including you.  They're all trying to pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do.  Great.

Stop focusing on the "rudeness".  You'd hate it if someone treated you the way you're treating her.  Try to think about what it would actually take for this child to feel HEARD and RESPECTED by the adults in her life.  It doesn't mean you have to give her whatever she wants or that she gets to make adult decisions, but this isn't about rules of etiquette.  You need to dig a lot deeper and acknowledge that your presence in his life means a lot of negative changes for her.  She may not come to appreciate you until you nurse him through a major health crisis or something.

Teens can be moody.  A lot of second relationships fail because the woman has little kids and doesn't understand parenting teens.  Or maybe you did something in between that angered her.  Or maybe she was bribed to spend time with you.[/quote]

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