Serious relationship with divorced dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Giant RED FLAG that Boyfriend allows rude behavior towards you from DD. Absolutely, not acceptable. It’s one thing she is an immature rude teen, it’s another he allows it.

Spoken like someone who's never had a teenager.

[Anonymous]

A lot of kids - girls especially - are dicks at that age. I was.

Maybe just keep doing what you're doing, try not to take it personally and at some point she will realize she's being a dick and needs to stop taking her feelings out on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess at the end of it, my question is as follows---do I just be patient with this and accept that I'll be greeted with hostility going forward or do I cut my losses? I would never ask my boyfriend to chose me over his daughter and this isn't about that but if he had the choice between having Christmas with his children and me not being there so his daughter could be there, then it's obvious what he's going to pick. I am struggling with how to make sense out of all of this because obviously i have no experience with any of it but we both would like to be operating as a family soon-ish. We want everyone to be at least accepting of it.

Stick it out. She'll get over it and mature eventually. She'll definitely change a lot once she heads off the college. That's just 2 years away.

He should pick both of you to be there. If she chooses not to be there because of your presence, that is her choice. I think he needs to stop being gentle and be more firm. It is not ok to be rude to another human being. She needs to be polite to all adults, including you.

Politeness does not require you to be around someone you don't like. It is particularly wrong (even cruel and abusive) to force a kid to be in the company of someone they don't like, when that kid has no ability to get away as a self-sufficient adult would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop forcing a “Family” ....it doesn’t work that way. You will always be the interloper and outsider. It was their Family Vacation, no one wanted you there except your BF. Drill that in your mind.

OP here. FINE. Then it's not the relationship for me because how does one move forward with this???? Does everyone else feel this way? I have no experience with this. I see lots of friends dating divorced dads of teens and none seem to have an issue this acute.

Acute? You don't even know what acute is. Get back to us when she yells at you and cusses you out.

[Anonymous]

DD sounds like a self entitled prima Donna.... setup for failure in life skills. She needs to be able to deal with situations IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids - girls especially - are dicks at that age. I was.

Maybe just keep doing what you're doing, try not to take it personally and at some point she will realize she's being a dick and needs to stop taking her feelings out on you.

Thank you for this perspective. This is what my BF keeps encouraging me to do. It's hard to walk into a house and have someone run upstairs. But I will persevere. Again, like i said, it's not often that we run into one another but we want to move things forward--and by that i mean, see each other more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of kids - girls especially - are dicks at that age. I was.

Maybe just keep doing what you're doing, try not to take it personally and at some point she will realize she's being a dick and needs to stop taking her feelings out on you.

Thank you for this perspective. This is what my BF keeps encouraging me to do. It's hard to walk into a house and have someone run upstairs. But I will persevere. Again, like i said, it's not often that we run into one another but we want to move things forward--and by that i mean, see each other more.

Also, I think public places like her pool are a great way to force the issue. You go everyday with your kids and BF. She’ll be lifeguarding and she can lose her mind if she wants. Her call, her choice. If she hates it so much she can quit. Otherwise, you get used to being in the same space.

[Anonymous]

OP I think she has taken all her pain of the divorce and put your face on it.

There is nothing you can do. She will have to leave the table during family meals and the rest of you can just carry on.

She will just have to deal with you being at the community pool and you will ignore any flip outs.

She will age and she will stop caring and she will go away to college. You just have to wait for those things to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I have elementary aged school kids.

By moving forward, I mean, I’d like to be able to be there for dinner and not have her hide, I’d like to share certain holidays together, I’d like to participate in some of their family activities without her declining—as we move forward to marriage. Last summer, I often spent time at their community pool where she lifeguarded and she would flip out. It’s hard to back off because I don’t know what that looks like in situations like the pool. Do I just not go? That’s not a relationship I want to be in when all remaining kids seem ok but I do want to be understanding and do the right thing. We are all torn on how to approach this.

I’d like
I’d like
I’d like
This is not about you. What you want and what she wants are not the same. She does not want to have a relationship with you, no matter how nice you think you are.

The right thing is to respect the fact that she does not want to have a relationship with you.

Continue to see the Dad at times when he does not have custody. Or, if you’re looking to create a relationship where you spend family time with your partner’s family, move along and find someone else.

[Anonymous]

I think your real issue is not the DD but the fact you are two divorced parents who have what looks 70-90% custody. You want to see each other more, than hire a sitter (or looks like BoyFriend can just leave his kids to fend for themselves).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your real issue is not the DD but the fact you are two divorced parents who have what looks 70-90% custody. You want to see each other more, than hire a sitter (or looks like BoyFriend can just leave his kids to fend for themselves).

"My GF is more important to me than you" is a fine message for a dad to send a teenage daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I get it. This is hard. It is hard to know how to navigate the waters on what is best for everyone—including me! I’m not afraid to put my needs in the picture and that’s what prompted the post. Also, I’m concerned that this issue is alienating my boyfriend’s daughter from her father. I don’t want to do that. He doesn’t want her to be rude. He wants me to be able to drop by from time to time and have her not run away. It is all very hard. Here is an example: I just stopped by this afternoon to drop off his computer chord. She was watching tv on the couch with the back to the door. I cheerfully say hello, she grumbles something without turning around and then stomps upstairs. This is rude. Isn’t it? Would you want your teenager behaving this way if anyone walked through the door?!? Also, am I supposed to feel fuzzy by this behavior? How do I proceed?

Anyway, I left shortly after because I had things to do but I don’t have my kids tonight and under normal circumstances, I would love to have spent the evening there (not even the night). Yes, these are MY needs. I am allowed to have needs. Not saying they supersede that of anyone else’s but clearly there is a huge issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your real issue is not the DD but the fact you are two divorced parents who have what looks 70-90% custody. You want to see each other more, than hire a sitter (or looks like BoyFriend can just leave his kids to fend for themselves).

"My GF is more important to me than you" is a fine message for a dad to send a teenage daughter.

This is absolutely not the message and it is wrong to pit us against each other. Clearly dad is committed to me and has taken her needs very seriously but it is hard to distinguish between petulant bitchy teen behavior and actual hurt. He’s tried to get an understanding as to what bothers her. She says it has nothing to do with me as a person (and I know that) but rather the “tragedy of the divorce” and that I get. And I ache for her. So do her parents. But this relationship is happening. We just want to know how to ease thee pain.

[Anonymous]

He’s not that into you. She’s picking up on that, and behaving accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s not that into you. She’s picking up on that, and behaving accordingly.

Huh? How do you figure?