15 yo girl had a meltdown about buying something herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have taken the money back and said, "Fine, then don't get any." Kids need to push through difficult feelings sometimes, or suffer the consequences.

Aaaand, what are your qualifications for saying something like this? What do you do for a living? Do you have any education, training, or experience in education, mental health, or social dynamics??

People like you just kill me. You know nothing, yet spout off absolutes like you do. You're ignorant, self righteous, and have an inflated sense of your own intelligence. You generalize your very very small limited experience of yourself and maybe your family and extrapolate to the entire human population.

I'm sure you're an exemplary parent

My lord calm down.

I have had anxiety all my life, and wasn’t medicated until I was in my 40’s. My 11 year old DS is exhibiting signs of anxiety, and I 100% agree with PP. If he doesn’t want to order in a restaurant or go to the snack bar at the pool because he’s embarrassed, then he doesn’t eat. I know he can do it - I’ve seen him do it many times. Sometimes tough love IS the answer. I had to find ways to get over this myself growing up without therapy and/or meds. Not everyone needs these things. I think many people these days are quick to jump to therapy or meds. Sometimes natural consequences really are the answer.

How sad that you didn't get treated until your 40s and you are content to let your kid suffer too.

But that’s the thing. I found ways to cope. I didn’t ever feel like I was “suffering”. I was only medicated after my dad passed away and was having a super hard time. I’m weaning myself off now.

We don’t need to make sure our kids never “suffer”, as you say. We need to teach them how to cope.

Telling them to do it or no cookies is not teaching them how to cope.

Natural consequences of no cookies will help them figure out how to cope. Believe me, I lived it. And I didn’t need someone to tell me how to do it.

We all have different opinions on this. I think there’s a HUGE difference between debilitating anxiety, where the kid won’t go to school or speak to anyone - that is a case for therapy and or meds. But not wanting to go buy Girl Scout cookies? C’mon - we don’t need to bust out the therapy and meds for petty stuff like that. The kid needs to figure out herself how to deal. If there’s constant intervention telling you how/what to do, how is the kid going to learn to be self sufficient and navigate life?

So if it WERE an ongoing problem, you would treat it. If it is a one off and not normally an anxious kid, you would just let the natural consequences take care of it. Why didn't you just say that to begin with?

If it’s an ongoing problem about little things like Girl Scout cookies, no, I wouldn’t treat it. If it was debilitating, and interfering with daily life on an extreme level, then yes I would.

So does the 15 year old never make purchases on her own for things like tampons or water when she is out and about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two children. My oldest is 13 and super shy. My youngest is very outgoing. I’ve been asking them For a few years now to tell the waiter themselves what they are having for dinner. When we go to fast food places, they need to order their own food , and if they want something extra or something taken away from their burgers they need to speak up. If they mess up their order, they have to get up call the attention of the person in the counter, and tell them what happened. It was hard at first for my oldest one, really really hard. DC would get teary often so I gave pep talks, and we talked through worst scenarios, etc., But the more we did it the easier it became for them. After a few months of consistently asking them to do those things, or to run into a grocery and buy eggs while I wait outside, they don’t even blink at it anymore. Even when people are rude and you’ll be surprised how many times people have been rude to them or ignored them because they are children. They are really good at saying really loud “excuse me sir, I was next in line” or whatever fits the situation. My point is that this is a skill. And like all skills, they are perfected through practice. The more your daughter does it, the easier it will become and the more confidence she will gain. Good luck OP!

Good job parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her help. She needs it. My 10yr old can go into stores alone to buy things. She’s very shy but we have always encouraged her to do these types of things so she doesn’t get to where your daughter is. It will be ok-but definitely help her.

+1 - did the same for our son

+1 my very anxious 11 yr old DD; she now goes and buys/orders things for herself. Start with a safe space; at a restaurant, have your DD order for herself, look directly at the server. When you travel/go places, give her money and tell her to get her own lunch or whatever.

I made our 13 yr old DS contact the adult in charge for something he wanted to organize at school; made him write the email, but we went over what he needed to ask. It was like pulling teeth but we made him do it. I send him links to SSL hour opportunities; he contacts them now and figures out time/place, and let's us know since we have to get him there.

Baby steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs serious therapy in order to function in the world. At 16 I was working outside jobs at 20 hours a week in addition to high school.

Kids are different these days than when we were kids. And we can't (shouldn't) blame them because we did it to them.

+1 I really agree with this. At 15.5 I was working in another town, and at 16 was driving myself there. But I was living in the "now" of the early 80s, not worried about the future--not anxious. And it was because it was a different world.

If not therapy, you've got to practice with her. Or have her go with a friend and practice with her friend. Practice going to the store etc.

Ok stick with me here through the following:

I suspect she may not want to learn to drive. OP, I have to tell you, my DD's therapy started when she was 15; soon after she declared she wasn't going to learn to drive. My 1980's-teenage-brain was so blown out by this concept that I thought she would never fledge, and took her to therapy. Turns out the non-driving-attitude was a non-issue because that the norm for this generation; times have changed given the advent of screens and uber.

However, it got her into therapy so that has helped tremendously on other issues. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is what you want.

AND--this is my real point...therapy aside, her learning to drive, and driving, has grown-up my kid so much! She drives to school, she drove her younger DC to DC's school on her way to her school, just now she drove my younger DC with her to yoga class in a nearby busy city. She was in a minor accident; not really her fault, but now has that experience. It's not just the driving...it's the attitude. In our state, we don't have to learn to parallel park anymore to pass the test. A few months ago, she learned to parallel park by herself. She's 17 now and I feel like she will fledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her help. She needs it. My 10yr old can go into stores alone to buy things. She’s very shy but we have always encouraged her to do these types of things so she doesn’t get to where your daughter is. It will be ok-but definitely help her.

+1 - did the same for our son

+1 my very anxious 11 yr old DD; she now goes and buys/orders things for herself. Start with a safe space; at a restaurant, have your DD order for herself, look directly at the server. When you travel/go places, give her money and tell her to get her own lunch or whatever.

I made our 13 yr old DS contact the adult in charge for something he wanted to organize at school; made him write the email, but we went over what he needed to ask. It was like pulling teeth but we made him do it. I send him links to SSL hour opportunities; he contacts them now and figures out time/place, and let's us know since we have to get him there.

Baby steps.

Just to clarify - this is all without therapy/meds, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have taken the money back and said, "Fine, then don't get any." Kids need to push through difficult feelings sometimes, or suffer the consequences.

Aaaand, what are your qualifications for saying something like this? What do you do for a living? Do you have any education, training, or experience in education, mental health, or social dynamics??

People like you just kill me. You know nothing, yet spout off absolutes like you do. You're ignorant, self righteous, and have an inflated sense of your own intelligence. You generalize your very very small limited experience of yourself and maybe your family and extrapolate to the entire human population.

I'm sure you're an exemplary parent

My lord calm down.

I have had anxiety all my life, and wasn’t medicated until I was in my 40’s. My 11 year old DS is exhibiting signs of anxiety, and I 100% agree with PP. If he doesn’t want to order in a restaurant or go to the snack bar at the pool because he’s embarrassed, then he doesn’t eat. I know he can do it - I’ve seen him do it many times. Sometimes tough love IS the answer. I had to find ways to get over this myself growing up without therapy and/or meds. Not everyone needs these things. I think many people these days are quick to jump to therapy or meds. Sometimes natural consequences really are the answer.

This. It seems ridiculous to medicate a child who does not know how to buy girl scout cookies or purchase something at the grocery store. Sometimes it is about learning life skills.
As you learn in baby steps then things get easier and more comfortable. Nothing is comfortable the first time doing it.

[Anonymous]

^^13:24 again...also forgot to say, get your DD a debit card (like a Wells Fargo Teen debit account) and get her using it.

The point is to get her to practice spending money, which then makes them interact with people, and also notice what things cost ("the gas is so much cheaper by my school then by our house!" "Twelve dollars for a muffin! That's crazy!" So they are actually practicing both spending AND saving money.

The goal here is that they need the practice, so they need to be able to screw up (lose their card, forget their card at home, etc). So you don't need to micromanage too much and go crazy with creating the budget and what expenses are reimbursed vs. what are frivolous etc. (because that's so time-consuming for the parent that the perfect becomes the enemy of the good). Just get this going, no matter how imperfect.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

I guess one of the positives to Girl Scouts is that they are learning to interact with others at a young age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get her help. She needs it. My 10yr old can go into stores alone to buy things. She’s very shy but we have always encouraged her to do these types of things so she doesn’t get to where your daughter is. It will be ok-but definitely help her.

+1 - did the same for our son

+1 my very anxious 11 yr old DD; she now goes and buys/orders things for herself. Start with a safe space; at a restaurant, have your DD order for herself, look directly at the server. When you travel/go places, give her money and tell her to get her own lunch or whatever.

I made our 13 yr old DS contact the adult in charge for something he wanted to organize at school; made him write the email, but we went over what he needed to ask. It was like pulling teeth but we made him do it. I send him links to SSL hour opportunities; he contacts them now and figures out time/place, and let's us know since we have to get him there.

Baby steps.

Just to clarify - this is all without therapy/meds, correct?

Yes, however, 11 yr old was involved in an accident and her anxiety went up, so she did go to therapy for that. But, even before the therapy, DD was ordering her own food at restaurants. But, yes, we had to make them do it. For many kids, this is not intuitive nor is it easy for them to do things like this. We parents have to prod and push to get them to do these kinds of things, but you have to start somewhere. You don't want your kid to be *that* 18 yr old who has to have the parents still do everything for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess one of the positives to Girl Scouts is that they are learning to interact with others at a young age.

+ YES.. my 11 yr old DD is in GS, and we've been doing booth sales for several years. In the beginning it was the adults who had to interact with the customers, but now the girls are much more engaged. I'm one of the PPs with a DD who has anxiety issues. Like everything else in life, parents have to teach kids to be independent.

I also give my kids an allowance, and they save to buy what they want. When I take them to the store to buy what they want, they have to go to the register, stand in the line, and interact with the cashier. They count the money out, and take the change. Everything from candy to toys, if they want it, they have to buy it (we just take them). We explain to them how to give out cash so that they get as little coins, especially pennies, back as possible. If something is $3.09, give them $5.09 so you get back $2 instead of $1 and 91cents (unless they want the coins). Little things like that need to be taught to them. Will they learn eventually? Probably, but learning earlier is better than later.

Earlier on, DD wanted something, and we couldn't find it in the store, so I told DD to go ask a worker at the store where it was; DD didn't want to, so I told DD then we weren't getting it. Same thing happened with buying candy and what not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:buying girl scout cookies is, to be fair, always somewhat awkward and weird.

SO TRUE!

What? Only if you’re a weirdo!

It is true!!! I am better at it now that I have kids but I find it awkward every time.

Agree so much. I was a girl scout and am fine with it, since I was on the other side of those tables as a kid. My dh, on the other hand, finds it stressful. He has to already know that he has cash in his wallet and be mentally prepared to do it or he will just not buy them. I am our GS cookie procurer!

What does he find so scary about the purchase?

Not scary. Just awkward. Is he buying from the parent? or the girl? Or will they be switching off on the transaction midway through? It is different every time because they are kids and are at all different levels, being scaffolded by adults.

People posted here how they scaffolded their kids through purchases on their own. It wasn't throwing them in to the deep end with do it or no cookies for you! It was was going with you to the store, being in the checkout. Helping you pay for stuff, then them paying for their own item with you right there. And so forth. Breaking it down in to steps.

That is exactly what girl scouts get for selling. The parents helping them with the steps until they can do it all on their own.

VERY different to scaffold your kid who has anxiety and then, when they are ready, telling them they need to do the thing on their own - THAT IS TOUGH LOVE.
Skipping all those steps with anxious kids and being a jerk about it, telling them no cookies for them without working with them to that point - that is NOT tough love. It is lazy.

This all sounds so bizarre to me. We were buying things at the country store at age 12. We were working jobs (hustling for work) at age 14. We were paid cash to
rake leaves, cut grass and babysit at age 14. We communicated direclty with the families that paid us to cut grass, rake leaves and babysit, i.e. our parents let
us function on our own in the community.

Sure. I was babysitting three kids, including an infant, by 11. Times have changed and our kids are growing up in very different places. My inlaws live in idaho and their kids grew up mowing lawns and shoveling snow. Where I live, people hire bonded companies to do work like that at their houses. It is a different world and my kids can do things that didn't exist when I was a kid (like set up personal computers, tablets, cell phones for their grandparents), they also can't do the things I did.

My fil can't order things online - it stresses him out. My 11 yr old can do that.

[Anonymous]

Buying girl scout cookies is a little strange mainly because you are buying something from a kid and most of the time we buy things from adults. So it's a new and unpredictable situation, you're not sure how it's going to go. That can cause some level of anxiety (usually low) in lots of people.

I have grown kids and they could go into stores, like 7-11 while I was in the car out front, and buy things when they were 6 or 7 years old. I imagine parents today wouldn't let their kids do that due to legitimate fears.

I would say that everybody has anxiety so yeah it's that but as others have said it's a matter of helping your kid through the anxiety rather than letting them think it's ok to give in to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess one of the positives to Girl Scouts is that they are learning to interact with others at a young age.

+ YES.. my 11 yr old DD is in GS, and we've been doing booth sales for several years. In the beginning it was the adults who had to interact with the customers, but now the girls are much more engaged. I'm one of the PPs with a DD who has anxiety issues. Like everything else in life, parents have to teach kids to be independent.

I also give my kids an allowance, and they save to buy what they want. When I take them to the store to buy what they want, they have to go to the register, stand in the line, and interact with the cashier. They count the money out, and take the change. Everything from candy to toys, if they want it, they have to buy it (we just take them). We explain to them how to give out cash so that they get as little coins, especially pennies, back as possible. If something is $3.09, give them $5.09 so you get back $2 instead of $1 and 91cents (unless they want the coins). Little things like that need to be taught to them. Will they learn eventually? Probably, but learning earlier is better than later.

Earlier on, DD wanted something, and we couldn't find it in the store, so I told DD to go ask a worker at the store where it was; DD didn't want to, so I told DD then we weren't getting it. Same thing happened with buying candy and what not.

Good job parent. Let the kids function on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sure. I was babysitting three kids, including an infant, by 11. Times have changed and our kids are growing up in very different places. My inlaws live in idaho and their kids grew up mowing lawns and shoveling snow. Where I live, people hire bonded companies to do work like that at their houses. It is a different world and my kids can do things that didn't exist when I was a kid (like set up personal computers, tablets, cell phones for their grandparents), they also can't do the things I did.

My fil can't order things online - it stresses him out. My 11 yr old can do that.

But you can teach your 11 yr old to do both. I agree that our kids are growing up in a different time period/culture, but there are certain things that are timeless, like being able to buy something at age 11 on your own. Oh, and my kids in the DC area shovel snow (when there is snow), and the older one (14) has been shoveling snow for neighbors and getting paid for it. 14 yr old also babysits and does other stuff to earn money. Certain skill sets should be timeless. This kid has money in the savings account, and often has more cash in the wallet than I do.

[Anonymous]

OP, take baby steps. Does she like Starbucks? Next time you take her, give her the money and let her order it while you wait outside. My 11 yr old loves starbucks, and buys it herself (only when I take her).