15 yo girl had a meltdown about buying something herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, take baby steps. Does she like Starbucks? Next time you take her, give her the money and let her order it while you wait outside. My 11 yr old loves starbucks, and buys it herself (only when I take her).

I don't think some people have actually read the OP or the follow up by the OP. This girl normally does go into stores and buy things but this one time, girl scout cookies, she was more scared than one would expect. Odd behavior for a 15 yr old, which is why the OP posted about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sure. I was babysitting three kids, including an infant, by 11. Times have changed and our kids are growing up in very different places. My inlaws live in idaho and their kids grew up mowing lawns and shoveling snow. Where I live, people hire bonded companies to do work like that at their houses. It is a different world and my kids can do things that didn't exist when I was a kid (like set up personal computers, tablets, cell phones for their grandparents), they also can't do the things I did.

My fil can't order things online - it stresses him out. My 11 yr old can do that.

But you can teach your 11 yr old to do both. I agree that our kids are growing up in a different time period/culture, but there are certain things that are timeless, like being able to buy something at age 11 on your own. Oh, and my kids in the DC area shovel snow (when there is snow), and the older one (14) has been shoveling snow for neighbors and getting paid for it. 14 yr old also babysits and does other stuff to earn money. Certain skill sets should be timeless. This kid has money in the savings account, and often has more cash in the wallet than I do.

No one is saying not to teach your 11 yr old to do stuff. In fact, people have posted great examples of scaffolding the kids who are anxious and kids who aren't anxious in these skills. It just is a matter of where you live as to what that looks like - the opportunities that were available in the past or in other areas are not available to many people now. I live in a college town and no one is hiring teens to babysit. There are lawn people who have dedicated companies - people aren't hiring tweens to do anything. The only thing tweens do here is the occasional lemonade stand or selling girl scout cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if coddling is what’s wrong. I was a highly anxious teen in the 80s, but I was forced more into situations like placing an order over the phone (for food or from a catalog), now replaced by apps or online, answering the house phone so being forced to interact, paying the paper delivery person when they came to the door - there’s much less natural exposure therapy. And as adults because of the internet we’re modeling less interaction with others - I text with friends and family, so my son doesn’t hear me having phone conversations, or calling places to see what the hours are, I email companies if I have a question about a bill instead of calling. I still needed therapy for my anxiety, but I was able to function better then because I had to than I think I could do now.

NP. This is an excellent point. Phones and apps and self-service retail are gradually wearing away human interactions that were commonplace just for daily life. The current generation of teens is going to be maybe the first that never or vary rarely has to interact for things like shopping (even most grocery stores now have more and more self-service checkouts), buying gas (when was the last time anyone had to talk to a pump attendant unless you were buying gas in New Jersey?), etc.

OP, was her fear about buying GS cookies more about the interactions or about feeling overwhelmed by choices of cookies or--something else like not liking responsibility for money? My own very-much-not-anxious DD can still be slightly nervous if handed what she sees as a "lot" of cash and told it's hers to spend.

Or is it possible that something else entirely was upsetting your DD at that moment and the upset over cookies was just how an unrelated worry manifested?

+2 to all this, especially the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Walk her through what is the worst possible thing that could happen. I mean what is the absolute worst thing that could occur? All of the things that could happen are totally tolerable. She won't end up with a crowd pointing at her and laughing, she won't end up dead, she won't get Coronavirus. Keep it in perspective.

[Anonymous]

I’m concerned that she has gotten to 15 and you are just now in situations where this is becoming an issue. Too late for your daughter but for anyone else with younger kids - it is so important to push them to do these things at a young. There is such a culture of helicopter parenting, and just deciding at 14/15 that you can let your child be more than 15 feet away from you for the first time is way too late for this. Studies show that this culture of parenting creates anxiety and depression, and it’s going to be worse for kids with predispositions.

As for your daughter, l would start with giving her freedoms with siblings, cousins or friends. Peer pressure seems to work better than anything parents can do as kids behave the worse with parents.

If she’s over top anxious and getting worse, therapy and meds are probably in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have taken the money back and said, "Fine, then don't get any." Kids need to push through difficult feelings sometimes, or suffer the consequences.

When this is happening with a 15 yr old, a parent needs to actually parent their child and deal with the problem, not be a jerk about it. Obviously her dd needs real help, not a parent who can't be bothered to their job.

As the parent of a younger kid with anxiety, yes it sounds like DD15 does need professional help AND the job of the parent of a kid with anxiety is often tough love. It's really tough when you have a kid screaming "Don't go, I'm scared you are going to die!" to say "I know you feel worried, how are you going to help yourself calm down because you are going to school now."

Yes, but that poster was saying to just say, fine, don't get any as though that is it. IT IS NOT IT. As you know, if you have a kid who has anxiety. Just being an ass is not doing the job. Anxiety causes people to refuse to do things that they very much want to do ANYWAY so just leaving them out of those things and expecting that to help them is ridiculous. It is not doing the job as a parent. It is ignoring the situation.

We may be saying the same thing. What I would do in that situation. Would be to take a couple minutes to try and get my kid to focus on the source of her anxiety and where she was feeling it in her body. If she wasn't willing to do that or couldn't work through the fear to get the cookies within a short amount of time, I would say with empathy and firmness. I'm sorry you are feeling so worried about this. Give me the money back and you can try it again the next time we come to the store. And then we would go home without cookies. As her counselor explained it me, my job is to let my kid feel uncomfortable, so she can build the mechanisms she needs to self soothe. If I solve her problems, she just gets more anxious because she doesn't have to follow the path of anxiety and get through it. I would never shame her, but I will point out that if she doesn't push herself she will miss out. And this approach has really worked for her.

[Anonymous]

It's not a store. Will there be a cash register? Will I have to figure out how much the three boxes of cookies cost for myself? What if I don't get the right change? Will my mom be mad? Will she make a scene? Will other people see? Why is the table outside in front of the store where everyone can see? Will someone get upset that I'm taking so long to decide which flavors to get? Will someone think, "she really doesn't need all of those cookies"? Will someone from school see me buying all of these cookies? Will they make fun of me tomorrow?

You get the point. There's nothing natural about the situation, and your DDs other buying experiences don't exactly match what happens at the Girl Scout cookie table.

At some point, you might invite your DD to get curious about what bothered her about the situation, and listen to what she has to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to mention we were paid to shovel snow in the neighborhood at age 14 plus.

I also shoveled neighbor's snow but did it out of neighborly duty and kindness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, take baby steps. Does she like Starbucks? Next time you take her, give her the money and let her order it while you wait outside. My 11 yr old loves starbucks, and buys it herself (only when I take her).

I don't think some people have actually read the OP or the follow up by the OP. This girl normally does go into stores and buy things but this one time, girl scout cookies, she was more scared than one would expect. Odd behavior for a 15 yr old, which is why the OP posted about it.

Did OP state what made her DD so anxious about buying cookies from a bunch of younger girls?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do appreciate all the posts, even the ones that seem harsh! All perspectives are helpful to me.

In general, she has an anxious personality. She has always hated being the center of attention - she would cry if someone sang happy birthday to her (we stopped when we knew how much it affected her!) and had terrible time going into school in preK and younger grades. However she has worked through that and as a teenager orders in restaurants and has run into Target while I stay in the car. So her reaction was odd. It’s like she reverted back to being very young.

I posted earlier after another person asking if this was a one-time occurrence or typical. Because it is atypical (for her current age/status) I think that you do need to investigate a little more and not let it ride. Such a strong reaction merits inquiry. Is there something else going on or is this a reflection of a slide that you haven't noticed. See if you can get her to talk. Also, strongly consider an appointment with her pediatrician to see if the doctor can suss out something either mentally or physically that might be going on. Her response to you about a pretty nebulous social interaction does indicate something is happening with her that she needs help with. Maybe she is stressed about a couple of things and this was a one-off or maybe this is a reflection of a general reversion to her former anxieties. Whichever it is, be proactive. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How is it awkward to say "I would like 2 boxes of thin mints" and hand a 10 year old girl $8 and take 2 boxes? I am not understanding here. This is basic functioning in society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it awkward to say "I would like 2 boxes of thin mints" and hand a 10 year old girl $8 and take 2 boxes? I am not understanding here. This is basic functioning in society.

Because 1/2 the time the 10 yr old girl disengages midtransaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are all these children so anxious?

Because they can be whoever they want online/social media then reality smacks them in the face and they don’t know how to have a real interaction or relationship.

Bingo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are all these children so anxious?

Because they can be whoever they want online/social media then reality smacks them in the face and they don’t know how to have a real interaction or relationship.

Bingo

To add, parents need to allow and encourage their children’s independence at an early age. Not to say you didn’t OP, but it seems to be that the helicopter parent trend has landed a while ago and is here to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are all these children so anxious?

Because they can be whoever they want online/social media then reality smacks them in the face and they don’t know how to have a real interaction or relationship.

Bingo

To add, parents need to allow and encourage their children’s independence at an early age. Not to say you didn’t OP, but it seems to be that the helicopter parent trend has landed a while ago and is here to stay.

Anxiety is not because of helicopter parenting. But carry on.