When to cut off adult son (26)

[Anonymous]

Job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

God you're asshole. And I have no doubt that I make more money and in a better job than you.

Offended? What words triggered you? Bernie bros?

From the hindsight of someone who's a bit older and lives and works in a major urban area, there are a lot of overeducated and underemployed young white men around, and OP's son seems to fall into this category. The future isn't very bright for them. Life is not and has never been easy and I think one of the great disservices of growing up in the mindsets of the 1990s-2010 was the cultural promotion that anyone can be anything they want and find their own way in life and it'll all turn out great one way or another. But it resulted in a lot of young people, especially men, failing to launch seriously, choosing to go into the creative industries or food industries because they had misguided fears of the corporate or professional worlds or middle class suburbia. And for a while it's fun. Being in your 20s in a fun city, what does it matter what you do when you've got your friends and a girl and weed and booze and house parties and it seems like everyone is in the same boat. But it catches up. Oh, boy, it catches up at some point.

But OP's son isn't too old nor is it too late for him. He does need to wise up about the kind of future he wants and the trade offs that come with it. The longer he delays making these serious choices, the more he will pay for it in the long run.

I'm your identical demographic, believe me. You're still a judgmental know-it-all asshole.

NP. And I think you live with your head in the sand. This PP is exactly right.

+1 I don't know what the ^PP's problem is. Maybe it hit too close to home?

Yeah, a little, but not for the reasons you'd think. I came from nothing and retired from Big Law early with millions of dollars in the bank. I quit mainly because I was tired AF dealing with people who have the know-it-all attitude of this poster. Having loads of money and a impressive career means nothing. It doesn't make you special, and it doesn't make your opinion more important.

My kids are all grown and have achieved varying levels on mainstream "success." If I ranked them by levels of happiness, however, the order would be different (although they're all fine). And none are asking for money, btw.

What I find most interesting about this thread is that OP isn't saying her son is unhappy, and no one has asked her that question. Very telling about who participates in this forum if you ask me.

If I was asking my parents for money at 26, I would feel horrible about myself.

Except this isn't about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

God you're asshole. And I have no doubt that I make more money and in a better job than you.

Offended? What words triggered you? Bernie bros?

From the hindsight of someone who's a bit older and lives and works in a major urban area, there are a lot of overeducated and underemployed young white men around, and OP's son seems to fall into this category. The future isn't very bright for them. Life is not and has never been easy and I think one of the great disservices of growing up in the mindsets of the 1990s-2010 was the cultural promotion that anyone can be anything they want and find their own way in life and it'll all turn out great one way or another. But it resulted in a lot of young people, especially men, failing to launch seriously, choosing to go into the creative industries or food industries because they had misguided fears of the corporate or professional worlds or middle class suburbia. And for a while it's fun. Being in your 20s in a fun city, what does it matter what you do when you've got your friends and a girl and weed and booze and house parties and it seems like everyone is in the same boat. But it catches up. Oh, boy, it catches up at some point.

But OP's son isn't too old nor is it too late for him. He does need to wise up about the kind of future he wants and the trade offs that come with it. The longer he delays making these serious choices, the more he will pay for it in the long run.

I'm your identical demographic, believe me. You're still a judgmental know-it-all asshole.

NP. And I think you live with your head in the sand. This PP is exactly right.

+1 I don't know what the ^PP's problem is. Maybe it hit too close to home?

Yeah, a little, but not for the reasons you'd think. I came from nothing and retired from Big Law early with millions of dollars in the bank. I quit mainly because I was tired AF dealing with people who have the know-it-all attitude of this poster. Having loads of money and a impressive career means nothing. It doesn't make you special, and it doesn't make your opinion more important.

My kids are all grown and have achieved varying levels on mainstream "success." If I ranked them by levels of happiness, however, the order would be different (although they're all fine). And none are asking for money, btw.

What I find most interesting about this thread is that OP isn't saying her son is unhappy, and no one has asked her that question. Very telling about who participates in this forum if you ask me.

Some of us who are agreeing with that other poster grew up low income and know what it's like to be forced to figure it out by 26.

He's not unhappy because his parents are helping him out. How "happy" do you think he would be if he couldn't pay his rent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

God you're asshole. And I have no doubt that I make more money and in a better job than you.

Offended? What words triggered you? Bernie bros?

From the hindsight of someone who's a bit older and lives and works in a major urban area, there are a lot of overeducated and underemployed young white men around, and OP's son seems to fall into this category. The future isn't very bright for them. Life is not and has never been easy and I think one of the great disservices of growing up in the mindsets of the 1990s-2010 was the cultural promotion that anyone can be anything they want and find their own way in life and it'll all turn out great one way or another. But it resulted in a lot of young people, especially men, failing to launch seriously, choosing to go into the creative industries or food industries because they had misguided fears of the corporate or professional worlds or middle class suburbia. And for a while it's fun. Being in your 20s in a fun city, what does it matter what you do when you've got your friends and a girl and weed and booze and house parties and it seems like everyone is in the same boat. But it catches up. Oh, boy, it catches up at some point.

But OP's son isn't too old nor is it too late for him. He does need to wise up about the kind of future he wants and the trade offs that come with it. The longer he delays making these serious choices, the more he will pay for it in the long run.

I'm your identical demographic, believe me. You're still a judgmental know-it-all asshole.

NP. And I think you live with your head in the sand. This PP is exactly right.

+1 I don't know what the ^PP's problem is. Maybe it hit too close to home?

Yeah, a little, but not for the reasons you'd think. I came from nothing and retired from Big Law early with millions of dollars in the bank. I quit mainly because I was tired AF dealing with people who have the know-it-all attitude of this poster. Having loads of money and a impressive career means nothing. It doesn't make you special, and it doesn't make your opinion more important.

My kids are all grown and have achieved varying levels on mainstream "success." If I ranked them by levels of happiness, however, the order would be different (although they're all fine). And none are asking for money, btw.

What I find most interesting about this thread is that OP isn't saying her son is unhappy, and no one has asked her that question. Very telling about who participates in this forum if you ask me.

If I was asking my parents for money at 26, I would feel horrible about myself.

Except this isn't about you.

No, it's about a grown adult that works a dead-end job and can't support himself.

[Anonymous]

Something doesn't add up:

Op - Did he really pay for his own college? I don't believe you. I don't think you are portraying this honestly

Did he graduate? Does he have loans -- because YOU wouldn't pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the mother of three kids. Oldest is my 26 YO son.

He was always a good student, hard working, independent. Went to college, then his life fell apart. Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college, leading to him starting to work in the restaurant industry in college. Meaning he never had time for internships.

I don't see how his life fell apart if he was able to graduate and has been supporting himself for almost a decade outside of $1500. I'm guessing you put lots on conditions on all of your support, emotional and financial. There has to be a lot more to the story. Because I don't know many people who chose to support themselves throughout college when their parents had money and were willing to do so.

This could make sense, except the son still comes to mom and dad for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

God you're asshole. And I have no doubt that I make more money and in a better job than you.

NP. Nope. That PP is exactly right.

+1 agreed.

I think people who did not grow up lower income, struggling, think it's fine for 26 yr olds to still try to "figure things out" while parents support them. People who grew up lower income whose parents couldn't support them at 26 didn't have that luxury. That's where OP is coming from, and I get it.

Unless your 20 something year old is in college, they need to be able to stand on their own two feet. Again, it's different if they are in college or some other type of training program, but if you are working a FT job, then you should be able to figure it out, even if that means living with several room mates.

OMG shut up already. Being given $1500 OVER FIVE YEARS qualifies as standing on his own two feet. If OP's panties are in such a bunch because of such little money, tell the kid no and he'll be fine.

OMG shut up already.. it's not about the $1500. You are focusing on the tree rather than the forest. He needs the money because he is in a dead end job that doesn't pay much. He has a college degree but didn't pursue that career, and instead chose to be a bartender. If he was in a low level entry job with long term growth prospects, but that job didn't pay enough right now to pay the rent, then I would agree that OP helping him out is nbd. My sister did this for her 26 yr old while she was in an internship that paid minimum wage. She finally finished her internship and got a much higher paying job with good future prospects.

But that's not this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the mother of three kids. Oldest is my 26 YO son.

He was always a good student, hard working, independent. Went to college, then his life fell apart. Because of his independance streak he insisted on paying for all of his expenses in college, leading to him starting to work in the restaurant industry in college. Meaning he never had time for internships.

I don't see how his life fell apart if he was able to graduate and has been supporting himself for almost a decade outside of $1500. I'm guessing you put lots on conditions on all of your support, emotional and financial. There has to be a lot more to the story. Because I don't know many people who chose to support themselves throughout college when their parents had money and were willing to do so.

This could make sense, except the son still comes to mom and dad for money.

It sounds like he has gone to dad in a couple of emergencies. Not mom, not supporting

[Anonymous]

OP, I ended up becoming a SAHM as child care was more than I earned with a masters degree. My mom was really upset over it even though she was not supporting us in any way nor did she even give us gifts. Just think the path you want to take. Her attitude destroyed our relationship and I don't talk to her anymore and rarely let her see the kids. You aren't supporting him by helping with a few hundred a year. I'd rather live in a homeless shelter and get food stamps than take a dime from my mom as she's like you and would never let me live down borrowing a few hundred (thankfully we have savings so we'd never have to). He is supporting himself. He's doing what he enjoys doing. If anything offer to help pay for an MBA or a degree in culinary arts so he can own his own business.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked at the number of people here that think it's okay for a 26 year old adult to not be able to support himself. At 26, I had a full-time job, an apartment in DC, car payments, paying off student loans, etc. I think I was 24 when my dad took me off their car insurance and told me it was time for me to take care of it. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

God you're asshole. And I have no doubt that I make more money and in a better job than you.

Offended? What words triggered you? Bernie bros?

From the hindsight of someone who's a bit older and lives and works in a major urban area, there are a lot of overeducated and underemployed young white men around, and OP's son seems to fall into this category. The future isn't very bright for them. Life is not and has never been easy and I think one of the great disservices of growing up in the mindsets of the 1990s-2010 was the cultural promotion that anyone can be anything they want and find their own way in life and it'll all turn out great one way or another. But it resulted in a lot of young people, especially men, failing to launch seriously, choosing to go into the creative industries or food industries because they had misguided fears of the corporate or professional worlds or middle class suburbia. And for a while it's fun. Being in your 20s in a fun city, what does it matter what you do when you've got your friends and a girl and weed and booze and house parties and it seems like everyone is in the same boat. But it catches up. Oh, boy, it catches up at some point.

But OP's son isn't too old nor is it too late for him. He does need to wise up about the kind of future he wants and the trade offs that come with it. The longer he delays making these serious choices, the more he will pay for it in the long run.

I'm your identical demographic, believe me. You're still a judgmental know-it-all asshole.

NP. And I think you live with your head in the sand. This PP is exactly right.

+1 I don't know what the ^PP's problem is. Maybe it hit too close to home?

Yeah, a little, but not for the reasons you'd think. I came from nothing and retired from Big Law early with millions of dollars in the bank. I quit mainly because I was tired AF dealing with people who have the know-it-all attitude of this poster. Having loads of money and a impressive career means nothing. It doesn't make you special, and it doesn't make your opinion more important.

My kids are all grown and have achieved varying levels on mainstream "success." If I ranked them by levels of happiness, however, the order would be different (although they're all fine). And none are asking for money, btw.

What I find most interesting about this thread is that OP isn't saying her son is unhappy, and no one has asked her that question. Very telling about who participates in this forum if you ask me.

There's a big difference between being a retired (and somewhat bitter?) lawyer with millions in the bank and a restaurant server who can't possibly have much money or much of a future. If OP's son had a trust fund worth millions then sure, go ahead and have the fun he wants.

It's all very well encouraging someone to have fun in his 20s, but what if that leads to being broke and poor in your 30s and 40s with no savings, no 401k, nothing for retirement, renting cheap apartments infested with roaches and mice, driving junkers.... and you justified it by constantly telling yourself he's just "finding" his way in life.

And perhaps a lifetime in Biglaw means you've forgotten what it's like to be constantly worrying for money, to have to actually beg your parents for a few hundred every now and then. It's not an admirable life, and not one most people wish for their kids. If OP's kid doesn't shape up and gets serious about life, he's not going to have much to look forward to.

As it is, in my book he's had his fun. He's had college and the five years of working as a server and I'm sure it was fun for him. But he needs to get serious, certainly he needs to be realistic about the kinds of life he has ahead of him and what he wants 10 years from now and how to get there. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be the cockroach infested studio and old beater of a car.

[Anonymous]

The same people that think this is okay are the same people that would NEVER date a full-time bartender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the real frustration is not the money, but that your son is wasting his life.

He actually has a decent degree if he has GIS training. Lots of firms, engineering, planning, government contracting, all need GIS tech people. If he'd been organized he shouldn't have had any trouble finding an entry level GIS job right out of college and by now be a project manager with a 401k and savings and a future. I work in a big engineering firm that has a large GIS division and the pay is very good. Those with masters and in their late 20s can easily make six figures as project managers.

Right now he has no future. Being a server is not a future. Unfortunately, he's five years out of college and wasted that working as a server so his degree isn't very useful any more. And his poor work history means he's not attractive as a candidate to the better grad programs.

He's just skimming along in life. That's what Bernie bros do and that's why they're angry and unhappy people. They refuse to accept the realities of the world and are throwing tamper tantrums at how unfair life is. He's 26 today, but tomorrow he'll be 30 and what will he have to show for it? He'll be far behind many of his peers. And who cares about the fun memories of your 20s when you were young and broke when everyone else was also young and broke. That won't be the case when he's 30.

I think you know what you need to do. You need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about life and how he's not facing up to the realities of life. He's not a kid any more. What does he want, to spend the rest of his life with roommates in cheap apartments, never getting to own his own place? And without a solid job and prospects, dating prospects are going to get worse and worse. He should get his sorry ass into a grad program ASAP, it'll likely have to be one of those programs that take anyone, but there are GIS programs out there to get back on track. He needs to get serious.

+1

This is a unvarnished post. It hits hard but it is exactly what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have only read the original post.
I come from a culture where parents support kids well into adulthood, and kids support parents in their old age.
It is not the most traditional “eastern” culture and things are changing now, but this is the general understanding.
Kicking kids out at 18 is unusual.
I understand that the US is different and is often guided by the Protestant work ethic.
However, more and more immigrants arrive from cultures like mine, and they support their kids who then get a leg up.
I think it will be increasingly important to support kids if we don’t want them to lose in life.
I think your son needs help finding a real job, and a recognition that his parents have his back.
I think yes you should support him, plus figure out if he has anxiety preventing him from achieving more, plus help him find a job.
This is just my opinion and my kid is still young, but that’s what I am planning to do if he fails to launch.

+1
Another 1st Gen immigrant. I will support my kids till they are financially, socially ahead. Then I will continue to help them to raise the kids etc so that their family life is not stressful. The only American thing I have adopted is to take care of retirement and have tons of insurance. I have enough for my needs and I can give a leg up to any child, sibling, nephews or nieces, ILs that need genuine help.

You guys didn't read carefully. I'm a first gen immigrant, and while I wholeheartedly support helping my adult kids, I would not be happy if they were 26 and still bartending with no goal to get a higher paying job and be self sufficient by 30.