Eldercare is tearing my family apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

DIL here, watching as my DH takes on a huge burden for his Mom. Siblings are far away and one is emotionally helpful, but the legwork and financial backstop is all falling on him/us.

Why can't you step up and help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

He isn't rare. My husband did a lot for his mom.

No one is disputing there are unicorn men out there. But you must agree, disproportionately, women are the primary elder-caregivers, as they are for children.

As a side, I keep thinking I'll make my husband be part of the solution for his parents when the time comes, but I wonder if I really will. Will I be too overwhelmed with my kids, and my parents that I will easily overlook his parents' needs? I hope this comment is still in my mind then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

PP here.
Medicaid can kick in for one spouse and not the other, and they are not going to kick one out of the house (why would they want 2 on Medicaid when they could only pay for one, ie) and there are all sorts of rules regarding assets and splitting with one healthy spouse.
I would start looking into that now (as I recommend for everyone) so you are armed with correct information when the time inevitably comes.

That’s why I pop into these threads to mention this, education and information is crucial.

This is good to know. I was told that house would have to be sold to pay, leaving healthy spouse with nowhere to live.

You can keep a house to a certain value. Every state has different rules. If you are in a million dollar house you probably have to downsize and use that money but if you are in a modest house, you keep the house until you die and then the estate has to take the money from the sale of the house and pay back medicaid.

I'm one of the earlier posters you've kindly given more info, thank you so much for your input and knowledge. My dad is hellbent that he must have something to pass on to the kids. We've been trying for years to convince him the kids don't need anything, but it falls on deaf ears. And now at this point it seems cruel to say I'd rather you lose it all and give me nothing, than to take care of you. I wish we'd been more firm on it then, rather than waiting until he feels so helpless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

eh, I am a SAHM. I stayed at home to care for my children and my home, not to be viewed as "the one who doesn't work" or "the one who has nothing better to do" than provide eldercare for aging parents. Thank goodness this is not an expectation in my own family. But I truly feel for the SAHPs who are not only take on the bulk of childcare and household responsibilities but are also expected to somehow take care of elderly, frail and possibly confused and immobile family members.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't sell yourself into servitude simply by making the choice to SAH with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

PP here.
Medicaid can kick in for one spouse and not the other, and they are not going to kick one out of the house (why would they want 2 on Medicaid when they could only pay for one, ie) and there are all sorts of rules regarding assets and splitting with one healthy spouse.
I would start looking into that now (as I recommend for everyone) so you are armed with correct information when the time inevitably comes.

That’s why I pop into these threads to mention this, education and information is crucial.

This is good to know. I was told that house would have to be sold to pay, leaving healthy spouse with nowhere to live.

You can keep a house to a certain value. Every state has different rules. If you are in a million dollar house you probably have to downsize and use that money but if you are in a modest house, you keep the house until you die and then the estate has to take the money from the sale of the house and pay back medicaid.

I'm one of the earlier posters you've kindly given more info, thank you so much for your input and knowledge. My dad is hellbent that he must have something to pass on to the kids. We've been trying for years to convince him the kids don't need anything, but it falls on deaf ears. And now at this point it seems cruel to say I'd rather you lose it all and give me nothing, than to take care of you. I wish we'd been more firm on it then, rather than waiting until he feels so helpless.

My time and sanity are more valuable than any potential inheritance. Since I’m the one carrying the weight, I have no guilt about spending my sibling’s inheritance to hire help since they choose to not participate in caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

eh, I am a SAHM. I stayed at home to care for my children and my home, not to be viewed as "the one who doesn't work" or "the one who has nothing better to do" than provide eldercare for aging parents. Thank goodness this is not an expectation in my own family. But I truly feel for the SAHPs who are not only take on the bulk of childcare and household responsibilities but are also expected to somehow take care of elderly, frail and possibly confused and immobile family members.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't sell yourself into servitude simply by making the choice to SAH with your kids.

I’m the PP. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anyone to share the caregiving with. My brother is a workaholic who always makes the excuse of being too busy. It’s not like I had much choice about continuing to SAH. If I didn’t step in, there was no one else. Our father is a great Dad who deserves the best - not abandonment in his time of need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

My grandmother could afford it but absolutely refused it. Didn't want "strangers" taking care of her, only her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

eh, I am a SAHM. I stayed at home to care for my children and my home, not to be viewed as "the one who doesn't work" or "the one who has nothing better to do" than provide eldercare for aging parents. Thank goodness this is not an expectation in my own family. But I truly feel for the SAHPs who are not only take on the bulk of childcare and household responsibilities but are also expected to somehow take care of elderly, frail and possibly confused and immobile family members.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't sell yourself into servitude simply by making the choice to SAH with your kids.

I’m the PP. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anyone to share the caregiving with. My brother is a workaholic who always makes the excuse of being too busy. It’s not like I had much choice about continuing to SAH. If I didn’t step in, there was no one else. Our father is a great Dad who deserves the best - not abandonment in his time of need.

What would have happened to your dad if you hadn't devoted yourself to care for him? Did you never go on vacation? Were you not free to go out of town to visit the other grandparents? If it was all on you, how did that impact your relationship with your husband and how did it impact your children. Obviously, if you are over at your dad's house a good part of the day, you can't also be at home. This is the part that I think a lot of people don't factor in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

He isn't rare. My husband did a lot for his mom.

No one is disputing there are unicorn men out there. But you must agree, disproportionately, women are the primary elder-caregivers, as they are for children.

As a side, I keep thinking I'll make my husband be part of the solution for his parents when the time comes, but I wonder if I really will. Will I be too overwhelmed with my kids, and my parents that I will easily overlook his parents' needs? I hope this comment is still in my mind then.

No, I know lots of men doing it. What is the point of your posting? Stop making this about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

PP here.
Medicaid can kick in for one spouse and not the other, and they are not going to kick one out of the house (why would they want 2 on Medicaid when they could only pay for one, ie) and there are all sorts of rules regarding assets and splitting with one healthy spouse.
I would start looking into that now (as I recommend for everyone) so you are armed with correct information when the time inevitably comes.

That’s why I pop into these threads to mention this, education and information is crucial.

This is good to know. I was told that house would have to be sold to pay, leaving healthy spouse with nowhere to live.

You can keep a house to a certain value. Every state has different rules. If you are in a million dollar house you probably have to downsize and use that money but if you are in a modest house, you keep the house until you die and then the estate has to take the money from the sale of the house and pay back medicaid.

I'm one of the earlier posters you've kindly given more info, thank you so much for your input and knowledge. My dad is hellbent that he must have something to pass on to the kids. We've been trying for years to convince him the kids don't need anything, but it falls on deaf ears. And now at this point it seems cruel to say I'd rather you lose it all and give me nothing, than to take care of you. I wish we'd been more firm on it then, rather than waiting until he feels so helpless.

My time and sanity are more valuable than any potential inheritance. Since I’m the one carrying the weight, I have no guilt about spending my sibling’s inheritance to hire help since they choose to not participate in caregiving.

That only works if your family has inheritance. Stick to the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

Sons can stay home and sons can take care of their parents, true. But in most cases, they don’t - the women do. Why is that? If society has changed so that women are now expected to work outside the home, why can’t it change to expect men to share in the duty of taking care of elderly parents the way their wives and sisters do? The burden falls disproportionately on women. Why?

Because in most households, men still earn more money. We aren't equal yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

Sons can stay home and sons can take care of their parents, true. But in most cases, they don’t - the women do. Why is that? If society has changed so that women are now expected to work outside the home, why can’t it change to expect men to share in the duty of taking care of elderly parents the way their wives and sisters do? The burden falls disproportionately on women. Why?

Because in most households, men still earn more money. We aren't equal yet.

This is as strawman argument. In most families women still do the bulk of caretaking regardless of income.

Women are socialized to care and men just view it as someone else’s problem. Sure, there are a few outliers here and there, but that’s like saying “I met 2 SAHD at the playground, there are lots of men who take on caretaking roles.” Yes, they exist, but statistically they are rare and men do a tiny percentage of caretaking for young children or elderly parents.

To pretend otherwise is delusional.

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Anonymous wrote:My mom is caring for my grandma right now. It’s tough. My grandma refuses to hire 24/7 care, so my mom is her slave. I don’t know how much more my mom can take. My grandma is so selfish.

We have 24-7 in home care for my parents. It costs 15k a month. She may not be able to afford it

If she can’t afford expensive in home care then she needs to opt for an affordable center. If she really has no financial means other than SS and Medicare, the bill will be covered out of that at a decent facility. It’s unfair to destroy her daughter to have the experience she can’t afford.

Not to nitpick but to educate: SS and Medicaid will pay for your stay at a long term care facility, though much more difficult to find a bed at and will not be nearly as nice as a private pay facility.
Medicare you get at 65 (a few other ways but for this purpose it’s 65) and is there for hospital stays, subacute rehab up to a certain point, but is not the payer a nursing bed.
Medicaid has to be applied for, and be prepared for the nursing facility to take all of your SS and give you between $40-60/month depending on your SS benefits.

NP - I'm caught in the position that we can't depend on SS/Medicaid because dad doesn't want to lose his house because Mom's health is better than his and suspects will outlive him by many years. They have a couple cars (worth very little, but still more than 1 car). He has less than $75K left in his retirement plan (could be significantly less, I can't remember). So, they can't afford care, they don't want to lose the little they have, so our family is helping as much as possible. We're not at the point it's tearing us apart yet, but I can see it headed there soon since daughters (and their spouses) seem to "care the most", sons (and their wives) are less involved and one sibling is out of town. This is all so new to me, I'm so thankful for threads like this to educate me, give ideas, and let me know what we're in for. I have nothing to offer, but prayers for you OP and other posters.

Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

What is your point? Its really unhelpful. I took care of my MIL because my husband had a better income and it made sense for me to stay home. Sons can stay home. Sons can take care of their parents. You are not contributing anything.

Sons can stay home and sons can take care of their parents, true. But in most cases, they don’t - the women do. Why is that? If society has changed so that women are now expected to work outside the home, why can’t it change to expect men to share in the duty of taking care of elderly parents the way their wives and sisters do? The burden falls disproportionately on women. Why?

Because in most households, men still earn more money. We aren't equal yet.

You are equal if you pick a career field that makes money. Enough with the useless rambling given you have nothing to contribute, not even empathy. You have no concept of what its like. If you don't want to do it, don't.

[Anonymous]

When my parent's estate finally settled most of my siblings/I were pissed that they had about a million $$$. Both were lucky that they had great pensions/healthcare but and aged in place but this was accomplished by fighting them on paying for each increasing level of care they needed (which became 24/365 at end.) For way too long they relied on us to do doctor appts, personal care, errands. While that sounds simple it was on top of us all working, raising kids, having our own needs. We kept telling them that they'd worked for as long as they did to allow their dream of staying in their own home and it was their reward-not meant for us to inherit. Their legacy is that by the end there was so much acrimony among the 'kids' that few of us keep in touch and a million split 7 ways was not worth this OR seeing them suffer rather than pay for adequate care.

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Isn’t it sad that it’s nearly always the daughters who do the most? In my experience, sons do very little for their parents. How can we fix this for future generations? After all, daughters are now expected to work outside the home as well as take care of family. Isn’t it time we expect the same of our sons? Just a rant.

I am a son. I am taking care of my elderly mom. My sisters do nothing, because they live in California and Britain. But thanks for your generous assumptions about male behavior.

It’s wonderful that you’re taking care of your Mom and you should be praised for it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re rare. For every man that does it, there are many women.

He isn't rare. My husband did a lot for his mom.

No one is disputing there are unicorn men out there. But you must agree, disproportionately, women are the primary elder-caregivers, as they are for children.

As a side, I keep thinking I'll make my husband be part of the solution for his parents when the time comes, but I wonder if I really will. Will I be too overwhelmed with my kids, and my parents that I will easily overlook his parents' needs? I hope this comment is still in my mind then.

No, I know lots of men doing it. What is the point of your posting? Stop making this about you.

This was my first post. And you are 100% wrong. Stop being so defensive. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4804270/