Advice on how to get over not having another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's mostly hormonal, seriously. We had our third when I was 42 and we are now in the throes of teens and tweens and it is HARD. So much harder than taking care of little kids. Of course we adore our kids but I look at our friends with one or two and think how nice that would be. Of course we don't have it as tough as our friends who went for their third and got preemie twins who still have a ton of health problems, so their family of two became a family of four.

TL;DR - my advice is to embrace the family you have and throw your extra love and energy into yourself!

OP here. Thank you for sharing your experience and advice. May I ask what are their ages? Gender? Since mine would have a large age spread between the oldest and youngest, by the time a 3rd hits the dreaded tween/teen years, the oldest will be off to college. It's one of the benefits of spacing kids out. I think that if I had 3 under 3, I would fall apart when they all go off to college in close succession. Although judging from what you wrote, and given my advanced maternal age, I might be counting the days until they are off (in my late 50s/early 60s). I suppose it depends a bit on the personality of your kids, and some luck too. We have girls, and they have always been very easy kids, since birth. My younger daughter has the sunniest, most easy-going and loving personality, and the older one is independent and very capable in all sorts of ways, so I am hoping that they won't drive me too crazy in their teens...I'll be going through menopause around the same time too, yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's mostly hormonal, seriously. We had our third when I was 42 and we are now in the throes of teens and tweens and it is HARD. So much harder than taking care of little kids. Of course we adore our kids but I look at our friends with one or two and think how nice that would be. Of course we don't have it as tough as our friends who went for their third and got preemie twins who still have a ton of health problems, so their family of two became a family of four.

TL;DR - my advice is to embrace the family you have and throw your extra love and energy into yourself!

p.s. Also, in what way is it hard now? Emotional, or logistical? We live in a major US city (not D.C.), and by the time kids hit 11-12 here, they mostly commute to school and to their extra-curricular activities on their own (by foot around age 10-11, with public transportation mostly at 12 and up). With an age spread of 8+ years bw the oldest and a potential 3rd, I feel like I'll never really have to be at 3 different places at the same time. So I will need an after-school nanny for a while, but just one more person since I don't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's mostly hormonal, seriously. We had our third when I was 42 and we are now in the throes of teens and tweens and it is HARD. So much harder than taking care of little kids. Of course we adore our kids but I look at our friends with one or two and think how nice that would be. Of course we don't have it as tough as our friends who went for their third and got preemie twins who still have a ton of health problems, so their family of two became a family of four.

TL;DR - my advice is to embrace the family you have and throw your extra love and energy into yourself!

OP here. Thank you for sharing your experience and advice. May I ask what are their ages? Gender? Since mine would have a large age spread between the oldest and youngest, by the time a 3rd hits the dreaded tween/teen years, the oldest will be off to college. It's one of the benefits of spacing kids out. I think that if I had 3 under 3, I would fall apart when they all go off to college in close succession. Although judging from what you wrote, and given my advanced maternal age, I might be counting the days until they are off (in my late 50s/early 60s). I suppose it depends a bit on the personality of your kids, and some luck too. We have girls, and they have always been very easy kids, since birth. My younger daughter has the sunniest, most easy-going and loving personality, and the older one is independent and very capable in all sorts of ways, so I am hoping that they won't drive me too crazy in their teens...I'll be going through menopause around the same time too, yikes.

Isn't the downside to an age spread that you can never go on outings / activities that please everyone? I have 2 close in age and still quite young and I feel very "now or never" about the idea of a third because I want to be able to travel, go camping, have family nights, etc that are age appropriate to my kids without feeling like I'm missing out with the older ones, or the baby is "holding us back". But maybe that is a misfounded concern, IDK. I have one friend with 2 older boys followed by a girl about 6 years younger and she complains about vacations constantly because she can't keep her youngest and her boys all happy. She said her husband ends up taking the boys, she stays with the girl, and they barely all see each other.

[Anonymous]

Consider you don’t Ctyally want a third kid but are simply mourning your youth as you get older and the days when you were younger and still creating a family/having babies. Those are two separate things and I think a lot of 3rd kids come when people don’t do the work of properly identify which they are feeling. The second one is something you will eventually go through no matter how many kids you have, so if you can accept that might be what it really is, you can avoid this “never really wanted 3rd, convinced reluctant husband to do it, oh sh*t now I have a 9 and 5 year old and a baby and I’m old and tired and everyone’s stressed and life isn’t fun anymore and I love the 3rd I swear but this kind of sucks” phase. Also, if you stay home and your kids are in school all day, consider this might be boredom talking.

[Anonymous]

Do some volunteer work for someone with a terminal illness. God, you are self absorbed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note the SAHMs saying they “needed” a third. Hmmm.

I didn’t note anyone saying anything even close to that. I think you are projecting.

A number of posters have strongly implied that (04:59) and people are even suggesting tricking her husband into having another one. Gross.

How is that related to being a SAHM? Tricking someone to get pregnant is gross no matter the circumstances.

OP and 04:59 both stay home. You've never heard of SAHMs wanting more kids so they have an excuse to continue not working? Open your eyes, honey.

SAHM here. Nope nope nope. Have you ever stayed home with multiple young children? It is really stressful, way more stressful than working. No one in their right mind would think a third child is the easy way out vs having to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider you don’t Ctyally want a third kid but are simply mourning your youth as you get older and the days when you were younger and still creating a family/having babies. Those are two separate things and I think a lot of 3rd kids come when people don’t do the work of properly identify which they are feeling. The second one is something you will eventually go through no matter how many kids you have, so if you can accept that might be what it really is, you can avoid this “never really wanted 3rd, convinced reluctant husband to do it, oh sh*t now I have a 9 and 5 year old and a baby and I’m old and tired and everyone’s stressed and life isn’t fun anymore and I love the 3rd I swear but this kind of sucks” phase. Also, if you stay home and your kids are in school all day, consider this might be boredom talking.

Not the OP here... I get why people say this, but some of us have ALWAYS wanted a “big” family. I’ve wanted at least 3 (preferably 4-5) kids ever since I was a kid myself. I’ve never wavered from feeling this way. I didn’t suddenly want a third when number 2 started getting older. It’s also why I don’t know how to get over the desire. It’s not situation-based.

[Anonymous]

The posts from women suggesting an “oops” baby are really dismaying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider you don’t Ctyally want a third kid but are simply mourning your youth as you get older and the days when you were younger and still creating a family/having babies. Those are two separate things and I think a lot of 3rd kids come when people don’t do the work of properly identify which they are feeling. The second one is something you will eventually go through no matter how many kids you have, so if you can accept that might be what it really is, you can avoid this “never really wanted 3rd, convinced reluctant husband to do it, oh sh*t now I have a 9 and 5 year old and a baby and I’m old and tired and everyone’s stressed and life isn’t fun anymore and I love the 3rd I swear but this kind of sucks” phase. Also, if you stay home and your kids are in school all day, consider this might be boredom talking.

Not the OP here... I get why people say this, but some of us have ALWAYS wanted a “big” family. I’ve wanted at least 3 (preferably 4-5) kids ever since I was a kid myself. I’ve never wavered from feeling this way. I didn’t suddenly want a third when number 2 started getting older. It’s also why I don’t know how to get over the desire. It’s not situation-based.

But this isn’t about you. This is about OP who said 3 has NEVER been a consideration for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's mostly hormonal, seriously. We had our third when I was 42 and we are now in the throes of teens and tweens and it is HARD. So much harder than taking care of little kids. Of course we adore our kids but I look at our friends with one or two and think how nice that would be. Of course we don't have it as tough as our friends who went for their third and got preemie twins who still have a ton of health problems, so their family of two became a family of four.

TL;DR - my advice is to embrace the family you have and throw your extra love and energy into yourself!

p.s. Also, in what way is it hard now? Emotional, or logistical? We live in a major US city (not D.C.), and by the time kids hit 11-12 here, they mostly commute to school and to their extra-curricular activities on their own (by foot around age 10-11, with public transportation mostly at 12 and up). With an age spread of 8+ years bw the oldest and a potential 3rd, I feel like I'll never really have to be at 3 different places at the same time. So I will need an after-school nanny for a while, but just one more person since I don't work.

LOL, what's hard about teens and tweens? They are emotionally and physically exhausting. They cry, shout, roll their eyes, ignore you, say hateful things. They need to be reminded to get up, eat, shower, do their homework, clean up their shit, be somewhere at a certain time, and get off the phone, get off the phone, and put they phone away. They either smell bad or spend ages in the bathroom, wasting so much water it's criminal. They leave their belongings everywhere, lose things, and freak out about everything. They fight with each other. You have to monitor their grades, their screen time, their friends, their hygiene, their body image, their mental health, the phones and social media, their relationships, and they will fight you every step of the way. They know exactly what to say to enrage you or hurt your feelings, so you need to be tough as nails at the same time you are breaking with worry or bursting with pride. They're wonderful and crazy and energetic, but it's an extremely difficult and exhausting time.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ there are souls out there that will be raised by other people. Reach out and bond/love others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's mostly hormonal, seriously. We had our third when I was 42 and we are now in the throes of teens and tweens and it is HARD. So much harder than taking care of little kids. Of course we adore our kids but I look at our friends with one or two and think how nice that would be. Of course we don't have it as tough as our friends who went for their third and got preemie twins who still have a ton of health problems, so their family of two became a family of four.

TL;DR - my advice is to embrace the family you have and throw your extra love and energy into yourself!

OP here. Thank you for sharing your experience and advice. May I ask what are their ages? Gender? Since mine would have a large age spread between the oldest and youngest, by the time a 3rd hits the dreaded tween/teen years, the oldest will be off to college. It's one of the benefits of spacing kids out. I think that if I had 3 under 3, I would fall apart when they all go off to college in close succession. Although judging from what you wrote, and given my advanced maternal age, I might be counting the days until they are off (in my late 50s/early 60s). I suppose it depends a bit on the personality of your kids, and some luck too. We have girls, and they have always been very easy kids, since birth. My younger daughter has the sunniest, most easy-going and loving personality, and the older one is independent and very capable in all sorts of ways, so I am hoping that they won't drive me too crazy in their teens...I'll be going through menopause around the same time too, yikes.

Isn't the downside to an age spread that you can never go on outings / activities that please everyone? I have 2 close in age and still quite young and I feel very "now or never" about the idea of a third because I want to be able to travel, go camping, have family nights, etc that are age appropriate to my kids without feeling like I'm missing out with the older ones, or the baby is "holding us back". But maybe that is a misfounded concern, IDK. I have one friend with 2 older boys followed by a girl about 6 years younger and she complains about vacations constantly because she can't keep her youngest and her boys all happy. She said her husband ends up taking the boys, she stays with the girl, and they barely all see each other.

Yes!! It is a great age gap when the youngest is a baby and older kids are in school all day, but toddler yrs are HARD. Everything from helping big kids with homework to shuttling and staying with them while they have piano, soccer, etc. with a cranky toddler than had t9 be woken up early from a nap is a PIA. And weekend activities like sledding are a challenge. By the time you walk all the way to the sledding hill, the toddler has mittens thrown off and is melting down and wants to go home. Example, but you get the picture. Imagine doing that 100 piece puzzle the big kids want to do....with a toddler near by.

[Anonymous]

I think it's great that you want a third. Ignore the bitter naysayers, DCUM can be very anti-natalist. You don't want to pressure your husband, but you also don't want to resent him. Can you keep talking about it with him and tell him that he is your #1 priority but also how you are feeling? Are there things you can agree on that would help with logistics? Childcare, more help etc? Also having older kids will make it so different, not long before your oldest can babysit which makes it so much easier to have flexibility. But I think maybe you need to probe deeper as to why your husband isn't thrilled and see if there is something that could be done. Perhaps he is enjoying having more time with you and worries a new baby would take that away...

[Anonymous]

My friend whose 3rd had severe special needs snapped me out of this pretty fast. Yes, I have other friends with healthy 3rd babies. But she went from having 2 healthy, developmentally normal kids to having a VERY intensely disabled kid too. It is not the type of hard that got better, it will be forever. Obviously she loves her 3rd child, but she's been pretty frank that she wishes she'd stopped at 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's great that you want a third. Ignore the bitter naysayers, DCUM can be very anti-natalist. You don't want to pressure your husband, but you also don't want to resent him. Can you keep talking about it with him and tell him that he is your #1 priority but also how you are feeling? Are there things you can agree on that would help with logistics? Childcare, more help etc? Also having older kids will make it so different, not long before your oldest can babysit which makes it so much easier to have flexibility. But I think maybe you need to probe deeper as to why your husband isn't thrilled and see if there is something that could be done. Perhaps he is enjoying having more time with you and worries a new baby would take that away...

Oh, stop. We are not bitter or "anti-natalist." More babies is not always the answer, and it's clear that OP has some serious reservations. In here original post, she wrote:

We never wanted or planned on having more than 2 children
it would be a large age gap and hard for us to do activities as a family and travel
I am in my early 40s and get tired more easily compared to my 30s
DH is not keen on another
I worry about time with each child, time as a family, and the energy to parent 3 in our 40s and 50s
we are nervous about potential health risk

Those are a LOT of good reasons to dig more deeply into what sounds a lot like normal hormonal changes and baby fever that happens as we enter the end of our childbearing years. The fact that she's experiencing these deep feelings but her husband is not speaks volumes about this being at least partly hormonal.

Also, the idea that older kids can help out and babysit is the epitome of selfishness--parents who want more children but want to force them to raise each other are the worst. I am from a family of 8 and the oldest of us HATED having to mind little brothers and sisters all the time.