Advice on how to get over not having another child
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Anonymous
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We never wanted or planned on having more than 2 children, but now that our kids are elementary-aged, I am suddenly longing for one more. Older kid is 7, younger one is 4, so it would be a large age gap and hard for us to do activities as a family and travel, both of which we all love (our kids are athletic and very adventurous). Also I am in my early 40s and get tired more easily compared to my 30s, although I am pretty high-energy relative to my peers. I come from a line of women with long fertility, but just in case I recently saw a specialist who ran some blood work and tests, and all looks good (for now).
DH is not keen on another  , and I am afraid that it is a dealbreaker...not sure if I should even try to persuade him about something like this if he is not on board of his own volition. He worries about logistics, even though we are well off and can afford help. However, my longing is very strong and has put a hole in my heart, and it gets larger and more painful every month because I know that my window will close sooner than later. How do you get over something like this?? Our kids are wonderful, fun and great with each other. They were both easy babies. I stay at home with them, but even so I worry about time with each child, time as a family, and the energy to parent 3 in our 40s and 50s. Also we are nervous about potential health risks, although there is early testing available now, but still, there are a lot of issues you cannot flag during pregnancy. I realize that both hubs and I are generally practical, risk averse and not easily swayed by emotions, but sometimes I think that to experience the greatest joys life has to offer, you must take a risk and put in some hard work.
Please, I need helpful advice, both for and against, especially if you have been through this agony! It is something that I cannot keep off my mind. Many of our friends and neighbors have 3 kids and seem happy with their family size, so I am reminded of my yearning every hour of every day. |
Anonymous
| Focus on the positives for your family, many of which you have outlined here. Think of the positive for the earth and environment. |
Anonymous
| So when I wanted a third, and DH was ambivalent, I put the birth control responsibility on him. And voila, I got pregnant. ? our 3rd totally completes our family, and if I didn’t get pregnant, I would have been okay with it. |
Anonymous
| Seriously? You have two healthy kids. STOP WHINING and learn to count your blessings. May be you need to work outside the home - your kids are in school all day and you have too much available time on your hands. |
Anonymous
| You should get a dog to help you mourn the end of having a cuddly newborn. |
Anonymous
| I mean this kindly and I hope it comes across that way, but are you sure you want another kid and you're not just feeling bored as your kids are gaining independence? I briefly felt that way and then I decided to focus my free time on myself, it was a good decision for everyone. I'm not trying to persuade you either way, just saying maybe the urge is stemming from somewhere else. Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
I think this is a good idea. You’re honest and upfront that you want another child and you’re not going to take birth control anymore. He can decide if he cares enough to always use a condom or get a vasectomy. I think the burden of taking birth control when you want a baby can make this situation extra painful. This way, it’s out of your hands. Your DH can decide if he wants to have a 3rd child (or not.) |
Anonymous
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Practicing gratitude helped. I have a healthy and happy DS. THat is more than what some of my friends have.
We are able to do a lot of things with DS that we wouldn't be able to do if we had more than 1. I made a list of those things. It helped. Now he's older and I can't imagine having more than 1. |
Anonymous
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I have a large family (6 kids). I’ve had that longing for another baby with every child, including the last. So - there will always be that longing to have another even if you have a bunch. I am currently only over my longing because of my three oldest teenagers and just being emotionally drained (and they are really good kids!). Just to point out you may have a third and still not feel settled.
It sounds like you’ve thought it through and have the capacity. It also sounds like you would be about the age I was when I had my last. I don’t think I fully comprehended I would be almost 60 when my last went to college. Somewhere around mid 40s I started to feel old and that hit me. It sounds like you are not stressed with enjoying the two you have so a third would probably fit in rather easily. I don’t think anyone I know regrets having another child. Most previous posters seem to be two and done and not struggle with it. We struggled with the decision nearly every time and obviously decided in favor of it. No regrets. |
Anonymous
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My kids were 5 and 7 when my third was born. I absolutely love the age gap. Older kids were in kindergarten and 2nd grade. I get quality time with the youngest while older ones are in school all day. In the afternoons, I focus on the big kids. DH and I tag team on weekends. We did that when we had only 2 kids as well.
I had my third when I was 38. DH was not fully on board. We were both worried about health risks. Our third is perfect and completes our family. However, if something went wrong, I’m fairly certain DH would be resentful because I was the one who pushed for the third he didn’t want. He would have been totally fine with the 2. |
Anonymous
| It really wouldn’t be a large age gap - pretty normal for three. |
Anonymous
| Note the SAHMs saying they “needed” a third. Hmmm. |
Anonymous
| I wanted a third, dh didn’t, and I felt sad until we got a dog. I know, dumb, but true. |
Anonymous
A.M.E.N! |
Anonymous
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DH and I were debating about having a third for a while. It was never the right time especially for me because I had just started a new job. Got pregnant the only one time we took a small risk and I thought it was a sign... it’s never the right time. I was 34 then and there are 3+ years between #2 and #3. It’s great, but very challenging.
We have a lot of help and we are still able to do most things with the older kids, but it is not easy at all. #3 is 11 months so hopefully things will get easier soon |