Advice on how to get over not having another child

[Anonymous]

OP. Yes, we are an active family - lots of trips, incl international travel, skiing, surfing, lots of theatre, after-school activities etc. - and that is a big factor in a decision against a third. However, I like at least a 3yr age gap so I can enjoy each child individually and give them my proper time and attention. I think that three kids under 3 or 4, even under 5, is a big blur in the young years to a lot of my friends, although with proper help they manage. I would hire help for the the youngest child. I feel like the older ones would need me more, and the needs of 1-4 yr olds can be met by any competent nanny (we are fortunate to have had one). I am even comfortable with leaving a young child with a nanny while we travel, because he/she will neither remember that, nor would they really miss out on active hiking/skiing/European trips, in which they cannot meaningfully participate. Lastly, DH and I are comfortable to divide and conquer as needed, since we do it with the 2 we've got anyway.

To the poster who said that I should not have more children because we never consider a third: we are all allowed to change our minds based on new information, no? I never imagined how much I'd enjoy being a mother. Despite having had a big career, lots of travel, going out to events and dinners, friends, hobbies etc prior to kids, I now find myself in a position where none of that matters to me as much as my kids, and none of it brings me as much joy as spending time with them, even in the more boring baby and toddler years. Hence those new feelings and thoughts about a third. Yes, volunteering, helping out those in need, fostering etc. are fulfilling, and I do a bit of that, however I am allowed to value time with my kids more than any of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yes, we are an active family - lots of trips, incl international travel, skiing, surfing, lots of theatre, after-school activities etc. - and that is a big factor in a decision against a third. However, I like at least a 3yr age gap so I can enjoy each child individually and give them my proper time and attention. I think that three kids under 3 or 4, even under 5, is a big blur in the young years to a lot of my friends, although with proper help they manage. I would hire help for the the youngest child. I feel like the older ones would need me more, and the needs of 1-4 yr olds can be met by any competent nanny (we are fortunate to have had one). I am even comfortable with leaving a young child with a nanny while we travel, because he/she will neither remember that, nor would they really miss out on active hiking/skiing/European trips, in which they cannot meaningfully participate. Lastly, DH and I are comfortable to divide and conquer as needed, since we do it with the 2 we've got anyway.

To the poster who said that I should not have more children because we never consider a third: we are all allowed to change our minds based on new information, no? I never imagined how much I'd enjoy being a mother. Despite having had a big career, lots of travel, going out to events and dinners, friends, hobbies etc prior to kids, I now find myself in a position where none of that matters to me as much as my kids, and none of it brings me as much joy as spending time with them, even in the more boring baby and toddler years. Hence those new feelings and thoughts about a third. Yes, volunteering, helping out those in need, fostering etc. are fulfilling, and I do a bit of that, however I am allowed to value time with my kids more than any of it.

Me me me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yes, we are an active family - lots of trips, incl international travel, skiing, surfing, lots of theatre, after-school activities etc. - and that is a big factor in a decision against a third. However, I like at least a 3yr age gap so I can enjoy each child individually and give them my proper time and attention. I think that three kids under 3 or 4, even under 5, is a big blur in the young years to a lot of my friends, although with proper help they manage. I would hire help for the the youngest child. I feel like the older ones would need me more, and the needs of 1-4 yr olds can be met by any competent nanny (we are fortunate to have had one). I am even comfortable with leaving a young child with a nanny while we travel, because he/she will neither remember that, nor would they really miss out on active hiking/skiing/European trips, in which they cannot meaningfully participate. Lastly, DH and I are comfortable to divide and conquer as needed, since we do it with the 2 we've got anyway.

To the poster who said that I should not have more children because we never consider a third: we are all allowed to change our minds based on new information, no? I never imagined how much I'd enjoy being a mother. Despite having had a big career, lots of travel, going out to events and dinners, friends, hobbies etc prior to kids, I now find myself in a position where none of that matters to me as much as my kids, and none of it brings me as much joy as spending time with them, even in the more boring baby and toddler years. Hence those new feelings and thoughts about a third. Yes, volunteering, helping out those in need, fostering etc. are fulfilling, and I do a bit of that, however I am allowed to value time with my kids more than any of it.

Me me me

As opposed to? It's my life after all, and I only have one, and half of it is gone, if I am lucky that is.

[Anonymous]

I think you are just adjusting to a transition time in life. Your youngest is about to head to school full time and you are likely feeling a loss of meaning as your primary role has been looking after little ones for 7 years. It feels empty and you aren't sure what you will do once they are both in school. You feel comfortable with having a baby at home and that would give you meaning for the next few years.

You need to find other ways to find meaning and purpose for those hours of the day when the kids are in school. Start volunteering, get involved in your community.

[Anonymous]

I have always been told by every mom i have asked how did/ do you know when you are done having kids. Across the board I was told, "once you're done you'll know it". I've never felt that way and still don't feel that way even after 3 kids and I am well into my 40s and definitely not having any more. I still think about it atleast 1-2 times a week and get a little sad, but I've also come to accept that I was destined for 3 and I got my 3.
My dh didn't want 3 since he was very happy with the 2 and at the time my others were older so big age gap. I absolutely knew I wanted 3 and so worked it out and he is very happy with the 3 once he got over the initial shock of moving into that territory. My older 2 were 12 and 8 when the youngest was born so I had the "huge" age gap, but besides the stupid comments from others about the age gap, I don't really think about it in day to day life. I notice it more now because I have a graduating senior and a 1st grader or when I think about when youngest will graduate HS, my oldest will be in their 30s and middle in their mid 20s. That is what makes it sound a bit crazy when you put int in those terms. But I wouldn't let that deter me from having a baby though if it's really in your heart to have another (and DH agrees too). I found having the older siblings was really helpful more so than a hindrance. It's your family so I wouldn't take one parents opinion on spacing over another. Each has benefits and negatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's great that you want a third. Ignore the bitter naysayers, DCUM can be very anti-natalist. You don't want to pressure your husband, but you also don't want to resent him. Can you keep talking about it with him and tell him that he is your #1 priority but also how you are feeling? Are there things you can agree on that would help with logistics? Childcare, more help etc? Also having older kids will make it so different, not long before your oldest can babysit which makes it so much easier to have flexibility. But I think maybe you need to probe deeper as to why your husband isn't thrilled and see if there is something that could be done. Perhaps he is enjoying having more time with you and worries a new baby would take that away...

It doesn't matter that DCUM is anti-natalist. It only matters that her HUSBAND is.

[Anonymous]

We go back and forth about wanting a third. Mine are 3 and 6. I'm 39. My husband does not want a third, but I think that if I told him that it was important to me, he would discuss it. Two months ago we had a pregnancy scare-- I was late-- and I FREAKED out. I thought about how our life would become so difficult, again, how my relationship with my husband would struggle under the additional stress, how I had no desire to pump or breastfeed again, and a million other things.

I wasn't pregnant, but I was shocked by how reassuring that experience was. I realize not everyone would feel this way, but it was a useful "tool" for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We go back and forth about wanting a third. Mine are 3 and 6. I'm 39. My husband does not want a third, but I think that if I told him that it was important to me, he would discuss it. Two months ago we had a pregnancy scare-- I was late-- and I FREAKED out. I thought about how our life would become so difficult, again, how my relationship with my husband would struggle under the additional stress, how I had no desire to pump or breastfeed again, and a million other things.

I wasn't pregnant, but I was shocked by how reassuring that experience was. I realize not everyone would feel this way, but it was a useful "tool" for me.

Ha, this happened to us, too. We weren't sure about a third, but were both relieved when a pregnancy scare turned out to be just a scare. Now our kids are middle and late elementary and we feel like we're in a great place to support their individual abilities and challenges and we are really enjoying the flexibility of older kids. My sister is trying for her fourth baby now, and that sounds awful to me. (The parenting, that is! I love having nieces and nephews to snuggle!)

I know it's somewhat counterintuitive, but I also think that having kids is ultimately a pretty selfish thing--the world doesn't need more people and could benefit from a lot fewer. Cranking out multiple versions of your genes certainly feels good and satisfies your biological urges, but it's the ultimate vanity project. Just because raising children is sometimes difficult doesn't make it selfless. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids were 5 and 7 when my third was born. I absolutely love the age gap. Older kids were in kindergarten and 2nd grade. I get quality time with the youngest while older ones are in school all day. In the afternoons, I focus on the big kids. DH and I tag team on weekends. We did that when we had only 2 kids as well.

I had my third when I was 38. DH was not fully on board. We were both worried about health risks. Our third is perfect and completes our family. However, if something went wrong, I’m fairly certain DH would be resentful because I was the one who pushed for the third he didn’t want. He would have been totally fine with the 2.

This is what would concern me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note the SAHMs saying they “needed” a third. Hmmm.

I didn’t note anyone saying anything even close to that. I think you are projecting.

A number of posters have strongly implied that (04:59) and people are even suggesting tricking her husband into having another one. Gross.

How is that related to being a SAHM? Tricking someone to get pregnant is gross no matter the circumstances.

OP and 04:59 both stay home. You've never heard of SAHMs wanting more kids so they have an excuse to continue not working? Open your eyes, honey.

'

You are stretching and obviously have an issue with SAHMs. Two posters stay at home, so you are linking that to the others' with no knowledge of their working status. Open your eyes about your own bias.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yes, we are an active family - lots of trips, incl international travel, skiing, surfing, lots of theatre, after-school activities etc. - and that is a big factor in a decision against a third. However, I like at least a 3yr age gap so I can enjoy each child individually and give them my proper time and attention. I think that three kids under 3 or 4, even under 5, is a big blur in the young years to a lot of my friends, although with proper help they manage. I would hire help for the the youngest child. I feel like the older ones would need me more, and the needs of 1-4 yr olds can be met by any competent nanny (we are fortunate to have had one). I am even comfortable with leaving a young child with a nanny while we travel, because he/she will neither remember that, nor would they really miss out on active hiking/skiing/European trips, in which they cannot meaningfully participate. Lastly, DH and I are comfortable to divide and conquer as needed, since we do it with the 2 we've got anyway.

To the poster who said that I should not have more children because we never consider a third: we are all allowed to change our minds based on new information, no? I never imagined how much I'd enjoy being a mother. Despite having had a big career, lots of travel, going out to events and dinners, friends, hobbies etc prior to kids, I now find myself in a position where none of that matters to me as much as my kids, and none of it brings me as much joy as spending time with them, even in the more boring baby and toddler years. Hence those new feelings and thoughts about a third. Yes, volunteering, helping out those in need, fostering etc. are fulfilling, and I do a bit of that, however I am allowed to value time with my kids more than any of it.

Me me me

NP here. This made me laugh! OP is trying to decide how many kids SHE should have. It’s one of the most personal and intimate decisions a person can make. OF COURSE her reasons are about HER and HER FAMILY.

What else would it be about???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend whose 3rd had severe special needs snapped me out of this pretty fast. Yes, I have other friends with healthy 3rd babies. But she went from having 2 healthy, developmentally normal kids to having a VERY intensely disabled kid too. It is not the type of hard that got better, it will be forever. Obviously she loves her 3rd child, but she's been pretty frank that she wishes she'd stopped at 2.

NP. Was this something that could have been sreened for during pregnancy? I would terminate if serious anormalities were detected, and would do CVS/amnio if AMA, so this gives me somewhat of a peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 7, 5 and 2. Third was a surprise, but we are so happy. Our first two are also girls and easy happy girls that are super close and always together. Third is a boy. He is very smart, but more difficult than his sisters were. There are 3 years and 4 months between #2 and #3 and it is a lot. I think it will be getting easier soon, but I wish the difference was smaller. The older girls are a pack and the boy is on his own... I think 5 years you would have will amplify our issues further...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend whose 3rd had severe special needs snapped me out of this pretty fast. Yes, I have other friends with healthy 3rd babies. But she went from having 2 healthy, developmentally normal kids to having a VERY intensely disabled kid too. It is not the type of hard that got better, it will be forever. Obviously she loves her 3rd child, but she's been pretty frank that she wishes she'd stopped at 2.

NP. Was this something that could have been sreened for during pregnancy? I would terminate if serious anormalities were detected, and would do CVS/amnio if AMA, so this gives me somewhat of a peace of mind.

I tested for everything possible when I was pregnant with my third. He was born healthy thankfully, but I remember the genetic counselor said that there is no way to test for about 40% of genetic disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yes, we are an active family - lots of trips, incl international travel, skiing, surfing, lots of theatre, after-school activities etc. - and that is a big factor in a decision against a third. However, I like at least a 3yr age gap so I can enjoy each child individually and give them my proper time and attention. I think that three kids under 3 or 4, even under 5, is a big blur in the young years to a lot of my friends, although with proper help they manage. I would hire help for the the youngest child. I feel like the older ones would need me more, and the needs of 1-4 yr olds can be met by any competent nanny (we are fortunate to have had one). I am even comfortable with leaving a young child with a nanny while we travel, because he/she will neither remember that, nor would they really miss out on active hiking/skiing/European trips, in which they cannot meaningfully participate. Lastly, DH and I are comfortable to divide and conquer as needed, since we do it with the 2 we've got anyway.

To the poster who said that I should not have more children because we never consider a third: we are all allowed to change our minds based on new information, no? I never imagined how much I'd enjoy being a mother. Despite having had a big career, lots of travel, going out to events and dinners, friends, hobbies etc prior to kids, I now find myself in a position where none of that matters to me as much as my kids, and none of it brings me as much joy as spending time with them, even in the more boring baby and toddler years. Hence those new feelings and thoughts about a third. Yes, volunteering, helping out those in need, fostering etc. are fulfilling, and I do a bit of that, however I am allowed to value time with my kids more than any of it.

Omg you sound like such an annoying navel-gazer. Be grateful for what you already have and look to help others not as fortunate. Stop thinking about yourself all the time. Selfish brat