Advice on how to get over not having another child
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Anonymous
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I have a friend who wanted JUSt one more to feel complete, so they had a third. And then when that child was getting more independent my friend felt the need for another. To her credit, she admitted that she loved being a mother, and if she couldn't imagine not have a young child to care for. They had a fourth. And basically, she would have continued if she could have. She simply wanted to stay being a mother of young kids. Now she lives waiting to be a grandmother one day.
Her whole life has been about being a mother. Ultimately, it wasn't so much about the kids, it was about being a mother as a career, if that makes sense. The good news for her was that her husband was on board and they could afford plenty of kids. I have another friend who insisted she have another child after they had everything finally going so well. Husband wasn't on board, didn't want another, and friend "accidentally" got pregnant Husband always resented it, and it came across the the child. I will say in this case they weren't as comfortable financially. FWIW, the husband who was fine with it was super laid back. The unhappy husband was super intense. |
Anonymous
| If you at all care about the future of our planet (and the future of the two children you already have), not having any more kids is the right thing to do. |
Anonymous
Oh I didn’t realize working mothers couldn’t trick their husbands and they must be SAHMs. This board loves to bash SAHMs, but you’re reaching a little too far. -WOHM |
Anonymous
How is that related to being a SAHM? Tricking someone to get pregnant is gross no matter the circumstances. |
Anonymous
| This isn’t about the child. It is about facing the end of your childbearing years and your mortality. Also, dig deeper to ask yourself the meaning of your existence. Having an infant who needs you so much and is so bonded to you can be intoxicating, and toddlers are so amazing and adorable. But what is wrong with connecting more deeply with the children you have — their needs are complex and still demanding. |
Anonymous
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DH and I had always agreed on 3, and I never imagined more, but I didn’t feel done after #3, which was completely unexpected. I assumed it was hormones and waited for it to pass, but the feeling was nagging even as he turned 2. DH was ambivalent but went ahead with it because he knew I felt strongly that I wanted another. #4 is almost a year old and I have felt like our family is complete since the moment he was born. I have no desire for another, which is a huge relief because we both agreed we were stopping at 4. #4 is an absolute joy and I do feel like we were meant to have him.
Fwiw I have a 5 year age gap between kids and it’s fine. It’s nice to have time with the baby when the older ones are in school. Our #4 is easygoing and happily tags along to the older ones’ activities. Not all babies are like that but odds are probably in your favor since your older ones were easy. |
Anonymous
| OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but I have an only who's on the cusp of adulthood. I always intended to have more, but it wasn't in the cards. This has made me sad occasionally over the years, but I'll tell you that I've come to a place of acceptance, and I'm so damn lucky to have the one I have. He's pretty cool. |
Anonymous
| I haven’t figured out yet how to get over it. It’s been years since we started discussing a third. I really, really want one. Spouse leans no but still says he’s not sure. I am one of four, so maybe that’s why I want more? I have always wanted at least 3, preferably 4-5 (definitely not happening now). Like you, OP, I think about it every single day, though the intensity ebbs and flows. I didn’t just suddenly decide I want another because the first two are getting older. And I’m not just interested in the baby/toddler phase. I feel like I will always regret not having another, but my strategies for moving on are like others have said— focus on gratitude, the kids you have, the here and now. I imagine that over time, you will eventually feel better. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
OP and 04:59 both stay home. You've never heard of SAHMs wanting more kids so they have an excuse to continue not working? Open your eyes, honey. |
Anonymous
| I feel this way, too, OP. I just can't imagine not having another baby to take care of. I thought I'd be done at two, but then I had two, and the thought of being done with childbearing and baby care literally makes me feel like I am being put out to pasture. |
Anonymous
| Probably not the popular view, but I wanted a third, and DH didnt AT ALL, like vehemently did not, but I advocated and begged and pleaded and made my case, and he gave in. Baby is now 2 and he LOVES him. There was some resentment the first year because of all the ways a baby can be a drag (the breastfeeding, the naps, the schedule, etc.) but it was worth it. my DH knew this would eat at me forever, and so he gave in. |
Anonymous
Get back to your desk, honey. |
Anonymous
Good one! 
All these women saying having no babies makes them feel useless - you think they have fulfilling careers? |
Anonymous
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I get it OP. My oldest is 3 and youngest is almost 1, and I have a very deep longing for a third but H says no way.
What stops me is thinking that I don't really want three teenagers, nor do I want three toddlers. I love the idea of three kids around the ages of 5-10, and I love the idea of three grown children with their own families, but everything else sounds a lot harder. I try to focus on the family I have. Plus, I am one of three, and we have a very difficult dynamic. Two of us are always gossiping about the third. I don't know what it's like in families with two siblings, but I can't say I love the dynamic of three, as a child in the family. That also helps me reign it in. The last thing that helps me is to realize that even if I have the third, eventually that third will not be a baby anymore and I'll probably still feel this way. I just love babies. So having a third kid is really just a very big, expensive way to delay this feeling by a couple of years. I'm still a little sad about it but I am so lucky for my two girls and I love them to death. I just focus on them and how lucky I am and try not to think about it too much. Good luck finding peace, OP, I can sympathize. |
Anonymous
| I have 3 boys (3.5, almost 5, almost 7) and felt done. Gave away all the baby stuff. Was excited by a new chapter of them being in preschool and elementary. Went back to school and work last year. Bolt of lightning longing, dare I say must do this urge, for a fourth last week. I turn 35 this year. I dont feel ready all of a sudden to cement our family number for the next few decades. The short term headaches of a young baby all of a sudden feel like nothing compared to giving my kids another sibling. Hormones are weird. |