Advice on how to get over not having another child

[Anonymous]

I didnt get over it.

Mine are 6 and 4 and for years, adding another would have been a nightmare but the last couple of years, I have still wanted another and DH didn’t. I tried everything to get over it but haven’t. We have agreed to drop the birth control for 6 months. I’m 38 and if we don’t get pregnant in 6 months, we would be recommended to an RE and we agreed that we wouldn’t go that far. If it happens, we will have a third. If it doesn’t, no further measures and I will get rid of the baby stuff in the attic.

I’m obviously hoping to get pregnant and the age gap would be 5 years between the last 2 and that sounds lovely. The other two are 2 years apart and that was rough. I feel like I could really enjoy a baby/toddler as an experienced mom with independent kids and only one at a time in daycare (I work full time out of the home).

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a perfect time for an oops baby! Just do it. You’ll never regret bringing another new life into this world. And three is such a perfect number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didnt get over it.

Mine are 6 and 4 and for years, adding another would have been a nightmare but the last couple of years, I have still wanted another and DH didn’t. I tried everything to get over it but haven’t. We have agreed to drop the birth control for 6 months. I’m 38 and if we don’t get pregnant in 6 months, we would be recommended to an RE and we agreed that we wouldn’t go that far. If it happens, we will have a third. If it doesn’t, no further measures and I will get rid of the baby stuff in the attic.

I’m obviously hoping to get pregnant and the age gap would be 5 years between the last 2 and that sounds lovely. The other two are 2 years apart and that was rough. I feel like I could really enjoy a baby/toddler as an experienced mom with independent kids and only one at a time in daycare (I work full time out of the home).

I should add that DH is on board but just not that excited compared to me

[Anonymous]

Only if your husband is supportive otherwise move on to the next phase of your life and be happy with what you have. My husband was neutral on a third and left it up to me so I had a third. When I told him I was pregnant he was all in supportive from that moment on. But if he had been negative at all I would not have gone off BC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a perfect time for an oops baby! Just do it. You’ll never regret bringing another new life into this world. And three is such a perfect number.

I really hope this is sarcasm. If not, you're also ok with a DH poking holes in the condom or otherwise sabotaging their birth control method, right? Because whoever wants the additional kid should be able to do whatever they want to achieve it, including duping their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a perfect time for an oops baby! Just do it. You’ll never regret bringing another new life into this world. And three is such a perfect number.

This is the worst advice ever. It's inaccurate for many people and just plain stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never wanted or planned on having more than 2 children, but now that our kids are elementary-aged, I am suddenly longing for one more. Older kid is 7, younger one is 4, so it would be a large age gap and hard for us to do activities as a family and travel, both of which we all love (our kids are athletic and very adventurous). Also I am in my early 40s and get tired more easily compared to my 30s, although I am pretty high-energy relative to my peers. I come from a line of women with long fertility, but just in case I recently saw a specialist who ran some blood work and tests, and all looks good (for now).

DH is not keen on another , and I am afraid that it is a dealbreaker...not sure if I should even try to persuade him about something like this if he is not on board of his own volition. He worries about logistics, even though we are well off and can afford help. However, my longing is very strong and has put a hole in my heart, and it gets larger and more painful every month because I know that my window will close sooner than later. How do you get over something like this?? Our kids are wonderful, fun and great with each other. They were both easy babies. I stay at home with them, but even so I worry about time with each child, time as a family, and the energy to parent 3 in our 40s and 50s. Also we are nervous about potential health risks, although there is early testing available now, but still, there are a lot of issues you cannot flag during pregnancy. I realize that both hubs and I are generally practical, risk averse and not easily swayed by emotions, but sometimes I think that to experience the greatest joys life has to offer, you must take a risk and put in some hard work.

Please, I need helpful advice, both for and against, especially if you have been through this agony! It is something that I cannot keep off my mind. Many of our friends and neighbors have 3 kids and seem happy with their family size, so I am reminded of my yearning every hour of every day.

I'm not sure if have any specific advice, just a general comment from experience.

Please do not underestimate the physical/energy demands of parenting kids in your 50's and teenagers in your 60's. It is NOT the same as doing it in your 30's and 40's. By mid to late 40's your body and capabilities will begin to change.

[Anonymous]

You gotta know when to...fold 'em.

[Anonymous]

No means no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Note the SAHMs saying they “needed” a third. Hmmm.

I didn’t note anyone saying anything even close to that. I think you are projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a perfect time for an oops baby! Just do it. You’ll never regret bringing another new life into this world. And three is such a perfect number.

dp I think you can regret doing it especially if one parent isn't on board. Not saying you regret the child but, you can regret not enjoying the children you have instead of thinking what you don't have is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a perfect time for an oops baby! Just do it. You’ll never regret bringing another new life into this world. And three is such a perfect number.

[Anonymous]

Ours is a different situation since we have an only child and wanted a second but could not have anymore due to infertility. I got pregnant on the first try with my daughter, then tried for 5 years unsucessfully to have a second. We gave up trying to have a second once I turned 40 and our daughter was in Kindergarten.

Anyhow, the first few years were tough when I was in the midst of infertility treatments that were all failures, and didn't understand why it happened right away once, and then wasn't happening a second time (my diagnosis was unexplained secondary infertility).

Eventually, though when I realized it was not going to happen for us, I just tried to make the best of the situation and focus on our family of 3. I tried to focus on all the positives of having an only child. As the years went by and we got further and further from the baby/toddler years, it got easier. But I'm still the only one in my social circle with an only and that is hard for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Note the SAHMs saying they “needed” a third. Hmmm.

I didn’t note anyone saying anything even close to that. I think you are projecting.

A number of posters have strongly implied that (04:59) and people are even suggesting tricking her husband into having another one. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ours is a different situation since we have an only child and wanted a second but could not have anymore due to infertility. I got pregnant on the first try with my daughter, then tried for 5 years unsucessfully to have a second. We gave up trying to have a second once I turned 40 and our daughter was in Kindergarten.

Anyhow, the first few years were tough when I was in the midst of infertility treatments that were all failures, and didn't understand why it happened right away once, and then wasn't happening a second time (my diagnosis was unexplained secondary infertility).

Eventually, though when I realized it was not going to happen for us, I just tried to make the best of the situation and focus on our family of 3. I tried to focus on all the positives of having an only child. As the years went by and we got further and further from the baby/toddler years, it got easier. But I'm still the only one in my social circle with an only and that is hard for me.

I have an only and years of unexplained secondary infertility behind me. The cruelty (casual and otherwise) of some so-called friends took my breath away, but as my only has gotten older, things have gotten easier.

I totally understand your difficulty.

OP, at the end of the day, I had to learn to love the life I was dealt. It's normal to mourn what you can't have, as long as you remember what you DO have.