SAHM-what division of responsibility when one parent stays home

[Anonymous]

This conversation is so fitting today. I’m considering staying at home too because we have a medically complicated child and my husband’s job is not flexible enough to help. I took off 27 days in 2019. I want to work and this stresses me out. I don’t want to manage the house because I’m not good at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious to hear from other SAHM whether or not they do everything at home and with the kids and house because they stay at home. I'm talking finances/bills/planning/vacations/future plans/housework (with kids chipping in for chores on a regular basis)/shopping/cooking/clean up/laundry/educational concerns of children/medical concerns and responsibilities for children/home and property maintenance/hiring people to do outside work when necessary/socialization planning, etc.

Is it reasonable to expect the other parent to do anything when they are home, or should they just be able to relax and have no responsibilities when home?

I do everything that you mention...but what I don't do is pick up after my DH and kids. I expect everyone to pitch in such as taking out trash, unloading the dishwasher, helping cook on weekend when there is more time, helping with major household chores (e.g. DH just painted a room in our house), mowing lawn, etc. I do (or hire out) deep cleaning.

I do the things that keep DH at work (doctors visits, routine communications with teachers, working with contractors, etc) and that make home life nice-- so, I deal with our accountant, finances, bills. All of this is done with 50/50. I carry it out, but we both make the decisions.

The main point OP is that you are contributing by being home-- you're managing processes, but everyone is expected to behave with courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

NP. It sounds like you've never stayed at home with children. Also, I don't think you're thinking about things like getting dinner on the table with an infant and toddler in the house. Should the husband really come home from work and just relax while the mom somehow watches an infant and toddler AND cooks/dishes out dinner that was prepared earlier? I think most people would say the dad should either watch the kids or get dinner on the table in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Future plans?
Educational concerns of children?
Socialization planning?

Stop making crap up to sound like a martyr.

Are you being sarcastic?

Planning for the future, educating children, and making plans with friends/family are all real things.

NP. When both parents work, these things take up probably two hours in a year. Otherwise it’s just called being a parent.

+everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My expectation is that the SAHP manages the home. That includes pretty much everything, from child rearing, to cooking, to cleaning, to scheduling, to activities, and whatever else is required. If I am working to support the enterprise financially alone, I am going to focus on working and when I am home, I will focus on being present and enjoying my kids and spouse.

We did this for two years before he threw in the towel. He works full time, I have a weekly cleaner who does laundry, the kids are in school and SACC and I do more of the mental labor but it's fine and doesn't bother me.

When my DH offered to be home full time, I made my expectations clear. When it became to be too much, we reevaluated, he went back to work and we moved on.

Why doesn’t it bother you to do more of the mental labor if he is working? Does that mean that you work less at your job? Did you not make enough money to hire a weekly housekeeper without his financial help?

I have to say that of all of the childcare arrangements I have had (au pair, nanny, daycare, working PT, being a SAHM), working full time with a spouse at home full time was by far the best. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give a little to keep this.

It doesn't bother me because my DH is making money. He's contributing to the cost of running our home, our retirement, our kids' college funds, etc.

I do work a good bit. But I have a very structured job, I travel minimally (4 times a year or so), and without the sole earner pressure, I have eased up on the night work after the kids go to bed. I work less, but do more at home.

When he went back to work, we hired a weekly housecleaner. They do our laundry as well.

My children go to SACC. I drop them off and they do activities at school before I pick them up. I manage camps, breaks (we do SACC), and it's not terribly difficult.

DH has a longer commute and that eats a good bit. He travels too. But honestly, I prefer the money to what we had before. He admittedly was not happy being home, he was mediorce at best and I put my foot down. We can pay for help, but I am not going to work, pay for help, and watch him putter around home. Nope, nope.

Ahh...gotcha. I loved that stuff. I liked having a project and working on it a ton, staying late when I needed to, going in to some of the early morning meetings, etc. But I found that I really only had time, energy, and flexibility for it when DH was doing all of the home stuff. I didn’t mind hiring a housekeeper to do the cleaning. Laundry, and cooking. And it really didn’t bother me what he was doing or not doing during the day. What I didn’t like is what you are doing now. Working all day, then coming home and doing that stuff at night, never really advancing in my career, and not really being a present parent either. It drove me crazy. But I can also see how it might feel like a good balance, particularly if you are using the money for something important to you.

PP here. What's interesting is that my career is pretty great. I am a General Counsel, I make excellent money, and I am able to achieve a work life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Labor should be divided equally.
So, if SAHM is working (child care, housework, etc) the entire time DH is at work, then they split up the remaining tasks equally at home.
If SAHM is going to the gym and coffee with friends while the kids are at school, that does not count as work time and SAHM should take on more in the evenings and on weekends.

But life and marriage, even in (especially in) healthy marriages, doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

We share the financial planning/management. I do almost all of the other family planning.

I handle kids when they are home (before/after school, sick days, no school days).

We split meals, housework, and kid stuff when he's not at work.

Housecleaner cleans every other week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM means you’re going to be doing the bulk of childcare, cleaning and cooking. The exception is if you’re wealthy and can outsource all of this. I mean insanely wealthy with live in staff. Weekly cleaners still mean there is cleaning work for the SAHM like cleaning after meals and kids playing.

Most women aren’t interested in being a man’s maid, cook and nanny so they go to work. It’s a better arrangement. You get paid money too.

If you’re a SAHM and you expect your husband to pitch in at home a lot well then you’re not doing your job. He will think you’re a joke. You don’t work and you STILL can’t manage everything at home??

You need to meet better men.

C’mon. What are you even doing if you stay at home and don’t handle most stuff at home? A woman stays home to spend more time with kids, not pay for childcare, not burden the higher earning spouse with chores, etc. It is terrible to admit but a woman stays home to benefit everyone else.

You’re insane if you think your husband should be the sole breadwinner and then come home and split chores with you.

Huh? That is exactly what we do in our family. I only stayed home to be with my kids. Chores are unrelated to job/school status in our family. Everyone helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This conversation is so fitting today. I’m considering staying at home too because we have a medically complicated child and my husband’s job is not flexible enough to help. I took off 27 days in 2019. I want to work and this stresses me out. I don’t want to manage the house because I’m not good at it.

That doesn't have to be part of your arrangement. Just discuss with your DH to set expectations. Ignore the PPs who think women should be slaves to their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Labor has never been divided equally in my house. Some times DH does more and sometimes I do more. I do more of kids activities and home stuff. We outsource much of the stuff. What works for us is that both of us will pitch in and it is not one person's or others responsibility. Whoever is available can do the work that needs to be done.

When my DH comes home then he does whatever needs to be done. It just might be to make and feed us dinner because I am tutoring the kids. From 9-5 I am also doing what I need to do - mainly be available for my kids and deal because it's whatever needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Labor has never been divided equally in my house. Some times DH does more and sometimes I do more. I do more of kids activities and home stuff. We outsource much of the stuff. What works for us is that both of us will pitch in and it is not one person's or others responsibility. Whoever is available can do the work that needs to be done.

When my DH comes home then he does whatever needs to be done. It just might be to make and feed us dinner because I am tutoring the kids. From 9-5 I am also doing what I need to do - mainly be available for my kids and deal because it's whatever needs to be done.

Huh? How old are your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Labor has never been divided equally in my house. Some times DH does more and sometimes I do more. I do more of kids activities and home stuff. We outsource much of the stuff. What works for us is that both of us will pitch in and it is not one person's or others responsibility. Whoever is available can do the work that needs to be done.

When my DH comes home then he does whatever needs to be done. It just might be to make and feed us dinner because I am tutoring the kids. From 9-5 I am also doing what I need to do - mainly be available for my kids and deal because it's whatever needs to be done.

Huh? How old are your kids?

MS and HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Labor has never been divided equally in my house. Some times DH does more and sometimes I do more. I do more of kids activities and home stuff. We outsource much of the stuff. What works for us is that both of us will pitch in and it is not one person's or others responsibility. Whoever is available can do the work that needs to be done.

When my DH comes home then he does whatever needs to be done. It just might be to make and feed us dinner because I am tutoring the kids. From 9-5 I am also doing what I need to do - mainly be available for my kids and deal because it's whatever needs to be done.

Huh? How old are your kids?

MS and HS.

So why do you need to be available for them during school hours? How often do they need something then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to 3 and I just about everything. My husband does the yard work, sometimes. But I never do it, so if he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done, which I've learned to be fine with.

We have a big house and it is a HUGE effort to clean. I spend a ton of time cleaning and doing laundry and making food from scratch.

To be fair: My DH is not lazy. He works extremely hard at his job, is very successful, but leaves very early and comes home very late. He often works over the weekend too. We could afford housecleaners and to outsource everything, but I prefer to do it myself. We had housecleaners at one point and I was never happy with their work.

Ugh. Paying people and then having to go behind them and clean is the worst.