Dilemma: Support Son National Sports Championship or Ex’s Wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

You do not know how important this is to the child. It might be a once in a lifetime event or it might just one among many.

The son is not missing something as important as a birth as his child . It’s a second wedding which in and of itself is a ridiculous event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

It sounds like she and dad are not invited to activities and dad has very limited visitation so neither knew and they picked the best day for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

You do not know how important this is to the child. It might be a once in a lifetime event or it might just one among many.

The son is not missing something as important as a birth as his child . It’s a second wedding which in and of itself is a ridiculous event.

You don’t get it. A wedding is equally important. What if you were in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

By doing this just admit you don’t want dad as dad anymore. Stop taking the child support and just terminate the relationship. Clearly dad is not important to OP.

It’s just 1 day. It’s a wedding... he isn’t getting the Nobel peace prize.

So, if mom remarries he should not go to her wedding.

Not if it is on a date important to him or the week the H booked a vacation. 2nd wedding should be private small events and are pretty low on important events. If she wants him there she should consult everybody on the date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

OP here.

Re the court order, dad has been a no show over 20 times in the last two years. Never attended one of DS competitions, even the ones on his weekends. Last time he filed a motion for contempt it was dismissed partially due to his repeated lack of compliance with the order.

This is not an issue of family versus sports. It’s one adult’s important possibly life changing event over a child’s important possibly life changing event.

Our son has devoted two years, 10-20 hours per week to his event and is passionate about it. Unfair to minimize it because it happens to be athletics...and not dresses and cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

Family first. It should not be an option

Both decisions are family first, ironically.

No they are not. One is just a sporting event. If a Nationals pitcher can miss a game during the World Series to attend the birth of his child, this boy can miss a “national championship” (for a TWEEN team, natch) that in the great scheme of things means nothing, for the wedding of his father.

OP knows this deep down. She is just pissed her ex is getting remarried and is trying to use her son as leverage to express her disapproval.

Her contempt for the new wife oozes from her post.

She needs to be an adult, tell son this is life, there will be other sporting events, a “national championship” that is only theoretical at this point doesn’t matter. And if that does come to be, life is about hard choices, doing the right thing, and sometimes being disappointed.

You do not know how important this is to the child. It might be a once in a lifetime event or it might just one among many.

The son is not missing something as important as a birth as his child . It’s a second wedding which in and of itself is a ridiculous event.

You don’t get it. A wedding is equally important. What if you were in that situation.

I would have a small private event so it would be easy to change the date. I would change the date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

OP here.

Re the court order, dad has been a no show over 20 times in the last two years. Never attended one of DS competitions, even the ones on his weekends. Last time he filed a motion for contempt it was dismissed partially due to his repeated lack of compliance with the order.

This is not an issue of family versus sports. It’s one adult’s important possibly life changing event over a child’s important possibly life changing event.

Our son has devoted two years, 10-20 hours per week to his event and is passionate about it. Unfair to minimize it because it happens to be athletics...and not dresses and cake.

You are getting responses from stepmoms and affair partners. You know his sport is way more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect fiance knew the date conflicted and deliberately picked it.

It sounds like she and dad are not invited to activities and dad has very limited visitation so neither knew and they picked the best day for them.

Calendar is public and on the internet, with reminders sent from the ICal and Outlook for anyone who chooses to subscribe.

An involved parent shouldn’t have to be invited.

[Anonymous]

The wedding is unimportant. Let the kid go to his thing.

[Anonymous]

What is the custody agreement? If the wedding weekend falls during dads time, this is a little more complicated. I assume both parents are involved with som's participation in the sport - taking him to tournaments / meets on weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3rd option: Support your son in having a conversation with his dad. Role play with him how to talk with dad about wanting to go to the sports event. If he’s not sure what to say, you can offer language. What you can’t do is the talking. This has to be between your son and his dad. You have to stay focused on what your son says, not what you think his dad will say, what the fiancé wants or says or who’s right/wrong. Make this about helping your son advocate for himself, not taking sides.

Op here, great idea conceptually, just not certain that middle school aged DS is old enough/ready/mature enough to have to navigate that conversation without being made to feel guilty or manipulated by Dad/New wife.

My son has clearly stated that he wants to go to champs, to the point of getting very emotional (understandably) about it. I know that he probably wants his dad to be there as well.

I just don’t want my kid to feel guilty or distracted by having to have the conversation...

Tell your son you are making the decision for him and that he will be attending the sporting event. That way you relieve him of the anxiety and guilt over making the choice.

She cannot do that without violating a court order. Not to mention it sends the wrong message. Family trumps sports.

OP here.

Re the court order, dad has been a no show over 20 times in the last two years. Never attended one of DS competitions, even the ones on his weekends. Last time he filed a motion for contempt it was dismissed partially due to his repeated lack of compliance with the order.

This is not an issue of family versus sports. It’s one adult’s important possibly life changing event over a child’s important possibly life changing event.

Our son has devoted two years, 10-20 hours per week to his event and is passionate about it. Unfair to minimize it because it happens to be athletics...and not dresses and cake.

I just switched to Team Dad, son should go to the wedding. Your overt bitchiness and bitterness about your ex remarrying makes me question the credibility of everything else you’ve said here.

[Anonymous]

Courts goal “ what is best for the child”

Missing the championship is not what is best for the child.

Having a wedding on an impirtant date is the height of selfishness and showing to the child he does not matter.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’ve answered your own question, with snark and some reasonable arguments, so why do you need validation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fiancé probably got date of sports event and THEN set same for wedding! 1000% go with your son and do NOT let him miss events. Who cares about fiancé? You son is your priority. Announce NOW that he will not be at wedding. Take pressure off your son to refuse wedding. Support son, this is an investment in his future and he will love you forever for standing by him. Go for it Mom!

Agreed. All of this.

[Anonymous]

A big over the top second wedding is so unbelievably tacky.

An invitation is just that-not a summons.

Is it a situation where his team is counting on him? Because that is an important life lesson as well...