my 12year old has received 52 texts from the same kid wanting to hang out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: He has texted back various excuses over the weeks and when that didn't work he gave a blunt "no thanks" but it continues. He thought the kid was Ok last year and hung out with him a little, but they didn't click much. He feels stalked and isn't interested now and it's making him really uncomfortable. He is now asking me for advice and I basically think he has done everything he should. I have read the texts and I think he handled it well. What would y'all suggest?

Tell him to treat him the way you would want someone to treat your son if he was doing that. Tell him to say he is busy with such and such on most weekends. Let him down gently

Why does he need to be "let down gently"? No means no. OP's son has done more than he is required to even continuing to respond to the requests. This kid is harassing him, plain and simple. And regardless of his possible "social issues", someone in authority needs to intervene and make him stop. The onus is not on OPs son to fix this.

+1

Other PP seems to think she is above the law. No doubt her kid does, also. If your kid is “well enough” to text 52 times, your kid is “well enough” to control themselves and their negative impulses. Clearly you know they have impulse control issues, as you probably do also. Let me guess, that parent harasses other parents, too. Way to get sued and lose everything you own when your kid doesn’t know when to stop. When (not if) your kid touches my kid, consider it “on”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's time to involve the school. OP's son already said no. That "no" is not being respected and OP's son is uncomfortable.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 52 declines - I think he could also stop replying - ghosting can be cruel but not sure there are any other options

He tries ghosting and the texts keep coming so he responds now and then.

This is the problem. From the other kid's perspective, he isn't getting a straight answer. The other kid is probably not letting his parents know what he's doing, so he is in this situation unguided and is misinterpreting the response. This is a child that is socially naive and doesn't understand the non-straight answers he is getting.

First he gets "No thanks." but this is from someone he has hung out with in the past. He thinks this is more "not this time" rather than "not ever." The your son tries to ghost him. So he keeps trying. If you son truly ghosted him, then maybe after a few weeks, he'd get the idea, but probably just when he thinks about giving up, your son finally responds, and it starts the whole clock over again. This socially inept kid gets his hopes up that it's only sometimes that he doesn't get an answer, but sometimes he does.

So, your son needs to send a message like "I know that we hung out last year, but I've moved on to other friends and am not interested in hanging out with you any more. Please stop contacting me." It needs to be explicit and then your son needs to either block the number or completely ghost the kid with no response.

FYI, in many situations, where the overtures are friendly, schools will not treat this like stalking or bullying without an actual explicit message telling the kid to stop contacting your son and that he is not interested in seeing the friend. Otherwise, they tread gently. If you send the more explicit message and the still continues to contact your son, then you have something to report that is actionable on the part of the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 52 declines - I think he could also stop replying - ghosting can be cruel but not sure there are any other options

He tries ghosting and the texts keep coming so he responds now and then.

This is the problem. From the other kid's perspective, he isn't getting a straight answer. The other kid is probably not letting his parents know what he's doing, so he is in this situation unguided and is misinterpreting the response. This is a child that is socially naive and doesn't understand the non-straight answers he is getting.

First he gets "No thanks." but this is from someone he has hung out with in the past. He thinks this is more "not this time" rather than "not ever." The your son tries to ghost him. So he keeps trying. If you son truly ghosted him, then maybe after a few weeks, he'd get the idea, but probably just when he thinks about giving up, your son finally responds, and it starts the whole clock over again. This socially inept kid gets his hopes up that it's only sometimes that he doesn't get an answer, but sometimes he does.

So, your son needs to send a message like "I know that we hung out last year, but I've moved on to other friends and am not interested in hanging out with you any more. Please stop contacting me." It needs to be explicit and then your son needs to either block the number or completely ghost the kid with no response.

FYI, in many situations, where the overtures are friendly, schools will not treat this like stalking or bullying without an actual explicit message telling the kid to stop contacting your son and that he is not interested in seeing the friend. Otherwise, they tread gently. If you send the more explicit message and the still continues to contact your son, then you have something to report that is actionable on the part of the school.

Is this a public school that is large? Does he see him often? I would not tell him Your son has moved on. That is mean. Just tell your son to ignore him and hide he texts. You can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 52 declines - I think he could also stop replying - ghosting can be cruel but not sure there are any other options

He tries ghosting and the texts keep coming so he responds now and then.

This is the problem. From the other kid's perspective, he isn't getting a straight answer. The other kid is probably not letting his parents know what he's doing, so he is in this situation unguided and is misinterpreting the response. This is a child that is socially naive and doesn't understand the non-straight answers he is getting.

First he gets "No thanks." but this is from someone he has hung out with in the past. He thinks this is more "not this time" rather than "not ever." The your son tries to ghost him. So he keeps trying. If you son truly ghosted him, then maybe after a few weeks, he'd get the idea, but probably just when he thinks about giving up, your son finally responds, and it starts the whole clock over again. This socially inept kid gets his hopes up that it's only sometimes that he doesn't get an answer, but sometimes he does.

So, your son needs to send a message like "I know that we hung out last year, but I've moved on to other friends and am not interested in hanging out with you any more. Please stop contacting me." It needs to be explicit and then your son needs to either block the number or completely ghost the kid with no response.

FYI, in many situations, where the overtures are friendly, schools will not treat this like stalking or bullying without an actual explicit message telling the kid to stop contacting your son and that he is not interested in seeing the friend. Otherwise, they tread gently. If you send the more explicit message and the still continues to contact your son, then you have something to report that is actionable on the part of the school.

+1

Def worth a try, at least it will be in your favor (OP) when this other kid melts down, and his parents keep ignoring him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 52 declines - I think he could also stop replying - ghosting can be cruel but not sure there are any other options

He tries ghosting and the texts keep coming so he responds now and then.

This is the problem. From the other kid's perspective, he isn't getting a straight answer. The other kid is probably not letting his parents know what he's doing, so he is in this situation unguided and is misinterpreting the response. This is a child that is socially naive and doesn't understand the non-straight answers he is getting.

First he gets "No thanks." but this is from someone he has hung out with in the past. He thinks this is more "not this time" rather than "not ever." The your son tries to ghost him. So he keeps trying. If you son truly ghosted him, then maybe after a few weeks, he'd get the idea, but probably just when he thinks about giving up, your son finally responds, and it starts the whole clock over again. This socially inept kid gets his hopes up that it's only sometimes that he doesn't get an answer, but sometimes he does.

So, your son needs to send a message like "I know that we hung out last year, but I've moved on to other friends and am not interested in hanging out with you any more. Please stop contacting me." It needs to be explicit and then your son needs to either block the number or completely ghost the kid with no response.

FYI, in many situations, where the overtures are friendly, schools will not treat this like stalking or bullying without an actual explicit message telling the kid to stop contacting your son and that he is not interested in seeing the friend. Otherwise, they tread gently. If you send the more explicit message and the still continues to contact your son, then you have something to report that is actionable on the part of the school.

Is this a public school that is large? Does he see him often? I would not tell him Your son has moved on. That is mean. Just tell your son to ignore him and hide he texts. You can do that.

It is mean if that is your first response. It is not mean when it is the 20th response and the first 19 were misconstrued and ignored. In this case, you need to be explicit because he isn't taking any implicit hints. And note that if her son ignores him and he continues to text, there is the concern that he'll actually try to intercept the OP's son in person, at school, which could be very embarrassing for both kids, especially if OP's son doesn't handle it well and says something in front of witnesses that could really embarrass one or both of them. The other kid clearly cannot understand being blown off. He hasn't taken the hint in the last 51 messages and he continues to reach out. If OP's son doesn't want the attention, but doesn't give the clear message that he doesn't want to be contacted, don't be surprised if he tries to corner her son at school. Then you can end up with a really awkward scene.

[Anonymous]

OMG - teach your children NOT to stalk people. It really is not difficult people.

[Anonymous]

This is a classic example why 12 year olds don't need phones. They aren't mature enough to handle, for goodness sake, just wait until they are at least 13-14

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tread gently, as the other child obviously has some social skills issues.

OP here. I figured that and neither I nor my son want to upset this kid, but he has a right to say "no."

No one is saying he doesn't have the "right to say no."

But, this is your opportunity to have him advocate for himself. This is not dangerous or threatening situation. He has to be able to say: "Larlo, you've been texting me a lot. And it's making me [uncomfortable/fell awkward]. I don't appreciate being texted 52 times in a day. I'll see you in school." If it escalates, THEN you get the school involved.

It sounds like BOTH boys need some social skills, but in different ways.

When somebody is really obsessive you sometimes need to walk on eggshells. Your suggestion could make things escalate IMO. If a child has already declined many times that should be clear enough and if it isn't then there are other things going on where it makes more sense to have a counselor involved.

Sorry, but you're being ridiculous. 12 year old kids are learning social norms, including lots of them being new to using the phone. It's our job to guide them.

I've seen kids typing in all caps. Sending lines and lines of emojis. "Stalking" each other to hang out. Jumping straight to the conclusion that the kid in the OP has something wrong with him or is dangerous or is truly "stalking" him is ABSURD. There is nothing that indicates the OPs kids told him to stop; just that he doesn't want to hand out. Those are two different things. If AFTER he has told him to stop and he doesn't, then the counselor should be involved. Not before.

Are you all so nervous in real life? Jesus help us all if you are.

But OP's kid already said no. And has stopped responding. There's nothing more for OP's kid to learn here - he politely responded to the request and removed himself from the situation. The other kid needs to back off. They are 12, not 6.

+1

Other PP, and parents like other PP, are not parenting - they are flat out failing their children.

Also, why don't they find like minded parents, with like minded kids, so their kids can hang out, texting each other all day, every day? My God.

On the contrary, I teach my child how to manage social interactions. Asking for what she wants. Telling someone when they are making her uncomfortable. You know, communicating in a society. You're the ones failing. Labeling normal 12 year old conduct as "stalking" and acting fearful over an overzealous texter. My god is right. You're failing and creating a neurotic kid, afraid to speak up for himself.

Signed, Your Own Worst Enemy

Sweetie, my kids is well adjusted and can stand up for yourself. I don't need to label a 12 year old as a stalker to feel like I'm a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tread gently, as the other child obviously has some social skills issues.

OP here. I figured that and neither I nor my son want to upset this kid, but he has a right to say "no."

No one is saying he doesn't have the "right to say no."

But, this is your opportunity to have him advocate for himself. This is not dangerous or threatening situation. He has to be able to say: "Larlo, you've been texting me a lot. And it's making me [uncomfortable/fell awkward]. I don't appreciate being texted 52 times in a day. I'll see you in school." If it escalates, THEN you get the school involved.

It sounds like BOTH boys need some social skills, but in different ways.

When somebody is really obsessive you sometimes need to walk on eggshells. Your suggestion could make things escalate IMO. If a child has already declined many times that should be clear enough and if it isn't then there are other things going on where it makes more sense to have a counselor involved.

Sorry, but you're being ridiculous. 12 year old kids are learning social norms, including lots of them being new to using the phone. It's our job to guide them.

I've seen kids typing in all caps. Sending lines and lines of emojis. "Stalking" each other to hang out. Jumping straight to the conclusion that the kid in the OP has something wrong with him or is dangerous or is truly "stalking" him is ABSURD. There is nothing that indicates the OPs kids told him to stop; just that he doesn't want to hand out. Those are two different things. If AFTER he has told him to stop and he doesn't, then the counselor should be involved. Not before.

Are you all so nervous in real life? Jesus help us all if you are.

But OP's kid already said no. And has stopped responding. There's nothing more for OP's kid to learn here - he politely responded to the request and removed himself from the situation. The other kid needs to back off. They are 12, not 6.

False. Even in true "stalking" situations and harassment cases, one is often told they need to specifically say "stop contacting me." Just relying on signals does not always communicate a position. And it is kind of lame. Just tell him to "stop contact me." or stop texting me. He has NOT said that.

Google law is not your friend. LOL.

Nor yours. And FWIW, there are several other posts agreeing with me on here. No one is going to to deal seriously with "stalking" fro a 12 yo who has not been told to stop. They just won't.

[Anonymous]

OP, geez. My DS12 has ADHD--(he's the opposite, so anxious over rejection, I can't get him to text anyone once).

You need to call the child's parents-- this isn't really a school matter- it's an area where the parents need to intervene. The other child has impulse control issues or possibly anxiety. His parents need to be involved to help him manage these impulses and feelings.

You can do it in a way that's kind and neutral--simply say, "hey, friends move on, but Larlo seems to be having difficulty with it. I'm a parent too, and I would want to know if this was happenening."

I would want to be called--if you don't want to do it, it's time to involve school counselor for both kids' sakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, geez. My DS12 has ADHD--(he's the opposite, so anxious over rejection, I can't get him to text anyone once).

You need to call the child's parents-- this isn't really a school matter- it's an area where the parents need to intervene. The other child has impulse control issues or possibly anxiety. His parents need to be involved to help him manage these impulses and feelings.

You can do it in a way that's kind and neutral--simply say, "hey, friends move on, but Larlo seems to be having difficulty with it. I'm a parent too, and I would want to know if this was happenening."

I would want to be called--if you don't want to do it, it's time to involve school counselor for both kids' sakes.

...and no, this is not stalking, but it's a situation that's going escalate with your DS getting fed up, or the other child becoming increasingly anxious and upset when he doesn't hear back from your son. It's time for adults to intervene--past time imo. Your child should not have to self advocate in this situation, and it's possible that this other child needs help with social skills (at the least) but possibly impulse control/anxiety. As for twelve year old boys, I have a twelve year old boy. *Many* engage in outright inappropriate behavior from time to time--they need guidance from adults. Their judgement and emotional regulation at this age...so, underdeveloped... it's a wonder our species survives.

[Anonymous]

Please everyone stop with the discussion of stalking. These are children who are just learning how to navigate changing social situations. Their moms used to handle all of this for them until, like 10 minutes ago. It is a new day for a 12 year old.

Please be kind and help them learn in a constructive manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, geez. My DS12 has ADHD--(he's the opposite, so anxious over rejection, I can't get him to text anyone once).

You need to call the child's parents-- this isn't really a school matter- it's an area where the parents need to intervene. The other child has impulse control issues or possibly anxiety. His parents need to be involved to help him manage these impulses and feelings.

You can do it in a way that's kind and neutral--simply say, "hey, friends move on, but Larlo seems to be having difficulty with it. I'm a parent too, and I would want to know if this was happenening."

I would want to be called--if you don't want to do it, it's time to involve school counselor for both kids' sakes.

...and no, this is not stalking, but it's a situation that's going escalate with your DS getting fed up, or the other child becoming increasingly anxious and upset when he doesn't hear back from your son. It's time for adults to intervene--past time imo. Your child should not have to self advocate in this situation, and it's possible that this other child needs help with social skills (at the least) but possibly impulse control/anxiety. As for twelve year old boys, I have a twelve year old boy. *Many* engage in outright inappropriate behavior from time to time--they need guidance from adults. Their judgement and emotional regulation at this age...so, underdeveloped... it's a wonder our species survives.

...lastly, OP (sorry to keep posting)...as someone who has dealt with anxiety in myself and my DS12, it's important that your DS doesn't reinforce the behavior. He needs to completely ignore the texts - maybe he was nice in the first few, of course-- now he needs to ignore the texts. The important lesson that the other boy will get out of this (especially if he starts dating in the next 4-6 years) is that when people don't write back, they are communicating something important that he should respect and heed.
The other boy's mom/dad/counselor whoever is appropriate given the boy's situation, needs to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, geez. My DS12 has ADHD--(he's the opposite, so anxious over rejection, I can't get him to text anyone once).

You need to call the child's parents-- this isn't really a school matter- it's an area where the parents need to intervene. The other child has impulse control issues or possibly anxiety. His parents need to be involved to help him manage these impulses and feelings.

You can do it in a way that's kind and neutral--simply say, "hey, friends move on, but Larlo seems to be having difficulty with it. I'm a parent too, and I would want to know if this was happenening."

I would want to be called--if you don't want to do it, it's time to involve school counselor for both kids' sakes.

This is all fine and good, but if OP's DC has already said stop, and the kid doesn't get it, I suspect that the parent is not the reasonable type - and may have impulse control issues themselves.