Just dropped a friend with NPD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I agree with you, OP. I wonder if your friend was a man, how many DCUM women would be calling you out for creating a healthy boundary between you and a toxic person. Yes, the person is in crisis and under stress, but that is not an excuse to abuse you and for you to have to take it.

And I agree with the PP with the medical experience who said you conveyed the most important thing.

Thank you. I expect the mean girls. They have to do it because they are insecure

Says the person who is only acknowledging posts that agree with her, and who keeps upping the ante every time someone disagrees.

If you were so secure, you wouldn’t be looking for kudos from a bunch of anonymous people about ditching a friend who has a dying family member. You’d
pour yourself a wine/ sparkling water, sit back and feel the relief.

+1

Fine, you don't like this person. She annoys you. You've been looking for a reason to dump her. And maybe she really is an awful person. But coming onto a public forum to gloat about dropping her right after she finds out that her mom is dying is gross. She might have NPD, but you are hardly a shining example of emotional health, either.

I’m good with gross. Thanks for the comments!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

Wow. Oncologists prescribe that even when there is zero hope. Ask me how I know...

Immunotherapy does not work on many types of lung cancers. There are different kinds, btw.

And many policies often decline coverage, particularly in elderly.

As they should. Your body needs to be in good shape to withstand certain treatments. The worst thing for an elderly patient is to spend their remaining time too sick to do anything but be sick. Cancer treatment can be fatal. We forget that.

Immunotherapy can actually be kinder to a body than chemo in a lot of cases. Of course whether she’s even eligible is something to ask about

I have 91 year old friend and colleague just diagnosed with breast cancer. The oncologist did 6 months of radiation because she’s a young 91. Still works, no memory issues, etc Insurance paid. My own grandmother had a pacemaker replaced at 99 because she was a young 99. Insurance paid.

So much speculation here!

Sure, it “can be”. It’s also often not funded, not useful for certain types of cancers, hard to access in certain areas, etc.

I find it ironic that there are a bunch of back seat oncologists on here pointing fingers, calling everyone else an armchair psychologist.

I have a feeling, based on OPs posts, that she has a history of mean and controlling behaviour towards her friend, then using her friend’s known NPD diagnosis as a canard for her own terrible dealings/communication/relationship.

Lots of speculation here also. If asking an individual about the potential of immunotherapy brings forth a raft of nasty comments, that’s on the nasty person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

Wow. Oncologists prescribe that even when there is zero hope. Ask me how I know...

Immunotherapy does not work on many types of lung cancers. There are different kinds, btw.

And many policies often decline coverage, particularly in elderly.

As they should. Your body needs to be in good shape to withstand certain treatments. The worst thing for an elderly patient is to spend their remaining time too sick to do anything but be sick. Cancer treatment can be fatal. We forget that.

Immunotherapy can actually be kinder to a body than chemo in a lot of cases. Of course whether she’s even eligible is something to ask about

I have 91 year old friend and colleague just diagnosed with breast cancer. The oncologist did 6 months of radiation because she’s a young 91. Still works, no memory issues, etc Insurance paid. My own grandmother had a pacemaker replaced at 99 because she was a young 99. Insurance paid.

So much speculation here!

Sure, it “can be”. It’s also often not funded, not useful for certain types of cancers, hard to access in certain areas, etc.

I find it ironic that there are a bunch of back seat oncologists on here pointing fingers, calling everyone else an armchair psychologist.

I have a feeling, based on OPs posts, that she has a history of mean and controlling behaviour towards her friend, then using her friend’s known NPD diagnosis as a canard for her own terrible dealings/communication/relationship.

Lots of speculation here also. If asking an individual about the potential of immunotherapy brings forth a raft of nasty comments, that’s on the nasty person.

No, not really. Reaching out and Talking with a friend means being sensitive to their needs.

Friend: my husband didn’t do the dishes again, I’m so tired, with working and the kids and all. Sometimes I just need a break. I really just need some space to think and decompress. There’s so much going on, I can barely think. DH wants counselling and the like.

OP: you need to call Owens, Blake, and Larlo. They’re divorce lawyers. I know you haven’t had the chance to meet with your couples therapist yet, but I read some NYT articles and these guys are the BEST. You could totally get everything. Don’t even think - you have to do everything NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

Wow. Oncologists prescribe that even when there is zero hope. Ask me how I know...

Immunotherapy does not work on many types of lung cancers. There are different kinds, btw.

And many policies often decline coverage, particularly in elderly.

As they should. Your body needs to be in good shape to withstand certain treatments. The worst thing for an elderly patient is to spend their remaining time too sick to do anything but be sick. Cancer treatment can be fatal. We forget that.

Immunotherapy can actually be kinder to a body than chemo in a lot of cases. Of course whether she’s even eligible is something to ask about

I have 91 year old friend and colleague just diagnosed with breast cancer. The oncologist did 6 months of radiation because she’s a young 91. Still works, no memory issues, etc Insurance paid. My own grandmother had a pacemaker replaced at 99 because she was a young 99. Insurance paid.

So much speculation here!

Sure, it “can be”. It’s also often not funded, not useful for certain types of cancers, hard to access in certain areas, etc.

I find it ironic that there are a bunch of back seat oncologists on here pointing fingers, calling everyone else an armchair psychologist.

I have a feeling, based on OPs posts, that she has a history of mean and controlling behaviour towards her friend, then using her friend’s known NPD diagnosis as a canard for her own terrible dealings/communication/relationship.

Lots of speculation here also. If asking an individual about the potential of immunotherapy brings forth a raft of nasty comments, that’s on the nasty person.

No, not really. Reaching out and Talking with a friend means being sensitive to their needs.

Friend: my husband didn’t do the dishes again, I’m so tired, with working and the kids and all. Sometimes I just need a break. I really just need some space to think and decompress. There’s so much going on, I can barely think. DH wants counselling and the like.

OP: you need to call Owens, Blake, and Larlo. They’re divorce lawyers. I know you haven’t had the chance to meet with your couples therapist yet, but I read some NYT articles and these guys are the BEST. You could totally get everything. Don’t even think - you have to do everything NOW.

With narcissistic people, the need to insult and denigrate those that try to empathize with them. That’s what makes them feel better. It’s important to her narcissistic supply to be seen as the brightest people in the room. I guarantee you that she will denigrate doctors, nurses, in the process. It will be more important for her to be seen as dumber than her, in her mind.

When someone suggests a point of action as you did above, that’s being sensitive to their needs. A narcissistic person doesn’t want that and will attack the other individual, like the comment about ‘unlike the tv commercials you watch’ a narcissistic person is ‘above’ tv and assumes the friend got the information from a commercial because they see the friend as incredibly stupid.

[Anonymous]

For THEM to seem dumber that her, ie doctors, nurses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For THEM to seem dumber that her, ie doctors, nurses

Soo.... kinda like OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For THEM to seem dumber that her, ie doctors, nurses

Soo.... kinda like OP?

OP mentioned a treatment ASK a doc about. What?

[Anonymous]

Unless you are a real oncologist, you are just an out of state friend playing doctor at a very stressful time for your friend. Insensitive at best, flat out rude at worst. In grounding the friendship it sounds like you both made out in this equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are a real oncologist, you are just an out of state friend playing doctor at a very stressful time for your friend. Insensitive at best, flat out rude at worst. In grounding the friendship it sounds like you both made out in this equation.

OP here. Spoke to a Nurse Practitioner friend of mine the other day. She agrees with me - my data is correct, passing it along is fine, and friend can take it or leave it alone. Said the doctor might actually discuss it with them anyway. When her own father got cancer at 86, the oncologist suggested immunotherapy due to mets to his lungs, and actually did find and put him in a trial (free btw) as an companion to radiation which made him much more comfortable.

People like yourself come onto threads to stir up sh*t. It's annoying at best and immature at worst. I definitely made out. If she feels she did? Great.

[Anonymous]

When I need a friend to vent about my condition & pain, I don't want advice. My docs and my own research have that covered. Thanks. Being a good friend is knowing when to listen. Especially when someone just learned of a loved one's new diagnosis and is processing all of the emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are a real oncologist, you are just an out of state friend playing doctor at a very stressful time for your friend. Insensitive at best, flat out rude at worst. In grounding the friendship it sounds like you both made out in this equation.

OP here. Spoke to a Nurse Practitioner friend of mine the other day. She agrees with me - my data is correct, passing it along is fine, and friend can take it or leave it alone. Said the doctor might actually discuss it with them anyway. When her own father got cancer at 86, the oncologist suggested immunotherapy due to mets to his lungs, and actually did find and put him in a trial (free btw) as an companion to radiation which made him much more comfortable.

People like yourself come onto threads to stir up sh*t. It's annoying at best and immature at worst. I definitely made out. If she feels she did? Great.

Your friend didn't call you to get medical advice. She called you to get moral support and a shoulder to cry on during a very difficult time for her family.

You may have intended your words to be helpful but when you realized that you were just upsetting your friend you should have apologized and dropped it. Instead you dumped your friend altogether which is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are a real oncologist, you are just an out of state friend playing doctor at a very stressful time for your friend. Insensitive at best, flat out rude at worst. In grounding the friendship it sounds like you both made out in this equation.

OP here. Spoke to a Nurse Practitioner friend of mine the other day. She agrees with me - my data is correct, passing it along is fine, and friend can take it or leave it alone. Said the doctor might actually discuss it with them anyway. When her own father got cancer at 86, the oncologist suggested immunotherapy due to mets to his lungs, and actually did find and put him in a trial (free btw) as an companion to radiation which made him much more comfortable.

People like yourself come onto threads to stir up sh*t. It's annoying at best and immature at worst. I definitely made out. If she feels she did? Great.

Your friend didn't call you to get medical advice. She called you to get moral support and a shoulder to cry on during a very difficult time for her family.

You may have intended your words to be helpful but when you realized that you were just upsetting your friend you should have apologized and dropped it. Instead you dumped your friend altogether which is sad.

Actually, she didn't call me at all. I asked her how her mother was by text because she was doing her withholding behavior so she could follow it with the 'you know nothing and I'm so smart' behavior. Very predictable. I wouldn't have asked at all, except I actually like her mother and have known her for decades.

I love the way DCUM fills in the blanks to create stories to make their insults work better. Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

So, nowhere in your story is there any empathy that her mother was going through a cancer diagnosis, and that she had NO NEWS, and was likely sad, terrified, and a whole bunch of other things until they actually got a diagnosis and met with the correct medical professional (oncologist). She wasn “withholding” - she didn’t know anything to update you with. As far as keeping a notebook - it’s not a bad idea when dealing with a diagnosis like this. Honesty in treatment is not a bad thing either. THe idea of lying to someone to give them hope, when they are a grown adult capable of making their own treatment decisions, is.. well.. I’m not sure I have words for that.

As far as her not answering your immediate demands, I’d say that’s a normal human too.

FWIW, the fsxtyiu checked with a nurse practitioner, well.. they are not an oncologist. So I’ll drop that one as well. Your information may have been sound,s but your method and timing of communication wasn’t. I have many NP friends, and they can diagnose my strep throat, but I’m not leaving them to diagnose and treat my type, stage, and therapy for a specific cancer.... especially when it hadn’t been disclosed yet. Your “NP freind’s“ advice that she could take it or leave it sounds fairly non committal to me, and not necessarily saying that you are “right” in projecting that stuff on your friend immediately on diagnosis, which is the point of this thread. (Or I thought it was)

I’m sorry, OP, but your posts make you look more and more poorly, when I think you’re trying to defend yourself. Did you meet this fri Nd in some kind of group treatment setting?

In any case, you apparently dropped her, which I think is for the best for her.

So go on, be liberated from a friend you apparently didn’t like anyway. She will undoubtedly go on to a life of her own.