Just dropped a friend with NPD

[Anonymous]

You don't have to explain yourself to posters here, OP. They're just a mean bunch. People with lack of compassion are lecturing you on lack of compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

I consider your former friend the lucky one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

I consider your former friend the lucky one.

OP here. So do I. She will go through the rest of her life thinking she’s the smartest person in the room. Must be a great mental place to be in while we mere mortals grapple with our common flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to explain yourself to posters here, OP. They're just a mean bunch. People with lack of compassion are lecturing you on lack of compassion.

Good way to phrase it. And thanks. Any chance they are narcissistic too? Lol. More likely they are just simply insecure. The best thing about getting older is that you get more sure of who you are and are less sensitive to those that tell you what they think you are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

So, nowhere in your story is there any empathy that her mother was going through a cancer diagnosis, and that she had NO NEWS, and was likely sad, terrified, and a whole bunch of other things until they actually got a diagnosis and met with the correct medical professional (oncologist). She wasn “withholding” - she didn’t know anything to update you with. As far as keeping a notebook - it’s not a bad idea when dealing with a diagnosis like this. Honesty in treatment is not a bad thing either. THe idea of lying to someone to give them hope, when they are a grown adult capable of making their own treatment decisions, is.. well.. I’m not sure I have words for that.

As far as her not answering your immediate demands, I’d say that’s a normal human too.

FWIW, the fsxtyiu checked with a nurse practitioner, well.. they are not an oncologist. So I’ll drop that one as well. Your information may have been sound,s but your method and timing of communication wasn’t. I have many NP friends, and they can diagnose my strep throat, but I’m not leaving them to diagnose and treat my type, stage, and therapy for a specific cancer.... especially when it hadn’t been disclosed yet. Your “NP freind’s“ advice that she could take it or leave it sounds fairly non committal to me, and not necessarily saying that you are “right” in projecting that stuff on your friend immediately on diagnosis, which is the point of this thread. (Or I thought it was)

I’m sorry, OP, but your posts make you look more and more poorly, when I think you’re trying to defend yourself. Did you meet this fri Nd in some kind of group treatment setting?

In any case, you apparently dropped her, which I think is for the best for her.

So go on, be liberated from a friend you apparently didn’t like anyway. She will undoubtedly go on to a life of her own.

If you read further up, I stated I was going to contact them directly. I’ve known them for 40 years. But of course you didn’t read. No surprise. My mention to my friend about the advances of immunotherapy for lung cancers in particular was because I’m concerned for her mother. Narcissism made my friend see that as an attack on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

So, nowhere in your story is there any empathy that her mother was going through a cancer diagnosis, and that she had NO NEWS, and was likely sad, terrified, and a whole bunch of other things until they actually got a diagnosis and met with the correct medical professional (oncologist). She wasn “withholding” - she didn’t know anything to update you with. As far as keeping a notebook - it’s not a bad idea when dealing with a diagnosis like this. Honesty in treatment is not a bad thing either. THe idea of lying to someone to give them hope, when they are a grown adult capable of making their own treatment decisions, is.. well.. I’m not sure I have words for that.

As far as her not answering your immediate demands, I’d say that’s a normal human too.

FWIW, the fsxtyiu checked with a nurse practitioner, well.. they are not an oncologist. So I’ll drop that one as well. Your information may have been sound,s but your method and timing of communication wasn’t. I have many NP friends, and they can diagnose my strep throat, but I’m not leaving them to diagnose and treat my type, stage, and therapy for a specific cancer.... especially when it hadn’t been disclosed yet. Your “NP freind’s“ advice that she could take it or leave it sounds fairly non committal to me, and not necessarily saying that you are “right” in projecting that stuff on your friend immediately on diagnosis, which is the point of this thread. (Or I thought it was)

I’m sorry, OP, but your posts make you look more and more poorly, when I think you’re trying to defend yourself. Did you meet this fri Nd in some kind of group treatment setting?

In any case, you apparently dropped her, which I think is for the best for her.

So go on, be liberated from a friend you apparently didn’t like anyway. She will undoubtedly go on to a life of her own.

And she is telling her mother there is NO hope, despite what the doctors has said. Do you have comprehension issues? I sometimes wonder if some people read words and twist them into their own mental scenarios instead of taking those words at face vale.

[Anonymous]

A mainstream article from 2018

https://labblog.uofmhealth.org/lab-report/remarkable-immunotherapy-trial-changes-advanced-lung-cancer-treatment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

So, nowhere in your story is there any empathy that her mother was going through a cancer diagnosis, and that she had NO NEWS, and was likely sad, terrified, and a whole bunch of other things until they actually got a diagnosis and met with the correct medical professional (oncologist). She wasn “withholding” - she didn’t know anything to update you with. As far as keeping a notebook - it’s not a bad idea when dealing with a diagnosis like this. Honesty in treatment is not a bad thing either. THe idea of lying to someone to give them hope, when they are a grown adult capable of making their own treatment decisions, is.. well.. I’m not sure I have words for that.

As far as her not answering your immediate demands, I’d say that’s a normal human too.

FWIW, the fsxtyiu checked with a nurse practitioner, well.. they are not an oncologist. So I’ll drop that one as well. Your information may have been sound,s but your method and timing of communication wasn’t. I have many NP friends, and they can diagnose my strep throat, but I’m not leaving them to diagnose and treat my type, stage, and therapy for a specific cancer.... especially when it hadn’t been disclosed yet. Your “NP freind’s“ advice that she could take it or leave it sounds fairly non committal to me, and not necessarily saying that you are “right” in projecting that stuff on your friend immediately on diagnosis, which is the point of this thread. (Or I thought it was)

I’m sorry, OP, but your posts make you look more and more poorly, when I think you’re trying to defend yourself. Did you meet this fri Nd in some kind of group treatment setting?

In any case, you apparently dropped her, which I think is for the best for her.

So go on, be liberated from a friend you apparently didn’t like anyway. She will undoubtedly go on to a life of her own.

If you read further up, I stated I was going to contact them directly. I’ve known them for 40 years. But of course you didn’t read. No surprise. My mention to my friend about the advances of immunotherapy for lung cancers in particular was because I’m concerned for her mother. Narcissism made my friend see that as an attack on her.

No, OP, in reality, narcissism is what makes you continue to make this about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

So, nowhere in your story is there any empathy that her mother was going through a cancer diagnosis, and that she had NO NEWS, and was likely sad, terrified, and a whole bunch of other things until they actually got a diagnosis and met with the correct medical professional (oncologist). She wasn “withholding” - she didn’t know anything to update you with. As far as keeping a notebook - it’s not a bad idea when dealing with a diagnosis like this. Honesty in treatment is not a bad thing either. THe idea of lying to someone to give them hope, when they are a grown adult capable of making their own treatment decisions, is.. well.. I’m not sure I have words for that.

As far as her not answering your immediate demands, I’d say that’s a normal human too.

FWIW, the fsxtyiu checked with a nurse practitioner, well.. they are not an oncologist. So I’ll drop that one as well. Your information may have been sound,s but your method and timing of communication wasn’t. I have many NP friends, and they can diagnose my strep throat, but I’m not leaving them to diagnose and treat my type, stage, and therapy for a specific cancer.... especially when it hadn’t been disclosed yet. Your “NP freind’s“ advice that she could take it or leave it sounds fairly non committal to me, and not necessarily saying that you are “right” in projecting that stuff on your friend immediately on diagnosis, which is the point of this thread. (Or I thought it was)

I’m sorry, OP, but your posts make you look more and more poorly, when I think you’re trying to defend yourself. Did you meet this fri Nd in some kind of group treatment setting?

In any case, you apparently dropped her, which I think is for the best for her.

So go on, be liberated from a friend you apparently didn’t like anyway. She will undoubtedly go on to a life of her own.

If you read further up, I stated I was going to contact them directly. I’ve known them for 40 years. But of course you didn’t read. No surprise. My mention to my friend about the advances of immunotherapy for lung cancers in particular was because I’m concerned for her mother. Narcissism made my friend see that as an attack on her.

No, OP, in reality, narcissism is what makes you continue to make this about you.

Lol. Is this a hobby for you? Sad little life you lead. It’s not about me., you are correct. I’m appalled that she would treat her mother this way but not surprised. Narcissists love to control a situation. She will let the doctors know how smart she is and never let her mother speak with them alone. Who strips hope from someone they care about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

So, nowhere in your story is there any empathy that her mother was going through a cancer diagnosis, and that she had NO NEWS, and was likely sad, terrified, and a whole bunch of other things until they actually got a diagnosis and met with the correct medical professional (oncologist). She wasn “withholding” - she didn’t know anything to update you with. As far as keeping a notebook - it’s not a bad idea when dealing with a diagnosis like this. Honesty in treatment is not a bad thing either. THe idea of lying to someone to give them hope, when they are a grown adult capable of making their own treatment decisions, is.. well.. I’m not sure I have words for that.

As far as her not answering your immediate demands, I’d say that’s a normal human too.

FWIW, the fsxtyiu checked with a nurse practitioner, well.. they are not an oncologist. So I’ll drop that one as well. Your information may have been sound,s but your method and timing of communication wasn’t. I have many NP friends, and they can diagnose my strep throat, but I’m not leaving them to diagnose and treat my type, stage, and therapy for a specific cancer.... especially when it hadn’t been disclosed yet. Your “NP freind’s“ advice that she could take it or leave it sounds fairly non committal to me, and not necessarily saying that you are “right” in projecting that stuff on your friend immediately on diagnosis, which is the point of this thread. (Or I thought it was)

I’m sorry, OP, but your posts make you look more and more poorly, when I think you’re trying to defend yourself. Did you meet this fri Nd in some kind of group treatment setting?

In any case, you apparently dropped her, which I think is for the best for her.

So go on, be liberated from a friend you apparently didn’t like anyway. She will undoubtedly go on to a life of her own.

If you read further up, I stated I was going to contact them directly. I’ve known them for 40 years. But of course you didn’t read. No surprise. My mention to my friend about the advances of immunotherapy for lung cancers in particular was because I’m concerned for her mother. Narcissism made my friend see that as an attack on her.

No, OP, in reality, narcissism is what makes you continue to make this about you.

Lol. Is this a hobby for you? Sad little life you lead. It’s not about me., you are correct. I’m appalled that she would treat her mother this way but not surprised. Narcissists love to control a situation. She will let the doctors know how smart she is and never let her mother speak with them alone. Who strips hope from someone they care about?

OP, as a trained and educated person in oncology, certainly you realize there are differences in how you treat primary cancer, a recurrence, and metastasis?

I’m also guessing she’s known and has been closer to her mother than you have, but yeah, it’s all about her and her self centeredness.

[Anonymous]

Also, thank g-d she had you to make recommendations for treatment, before a solid diagnosis and treatment plan had ever been made. Because that’s what friends are for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

So, nowhere in your story is there any empathy that her mother was going through a cancer diagnosis, and that she had NO NEWS, and was likely sad, terrified, and a whole bunch of other things until they actually got a diagnosis and met with the correct medical professional (oncologist). She wasn “withholding” - she didn’t know anything to update you with. As far as keeping a notebook - it’s not a bad idea when dealing with a diagnosis like this. Honesty in treatment is not a bad thing either. THe idea of lying to someone to give them hope, when they are a grown adult capable of making their own treatment decisions, is.. well.. I’m not sure I have words for that.

As far as her not answering your immediate demands, I’d say that’s a normal human too.

FWIW, the fsxtyiu checked with a nurse practitioner, well.. they are not an oncologist. So I’ll drop that one as well. Your information may have been sound,s but your method and timing of communication wasn’t. I have many NP friends, and they can diagnose my strep throat, but I’m not leaving them to diagnose and treat my type, stage, and therapy for a specific cancer.... especially when it hadn’t been disclosed yet. Your “NP freind’s“ advice that she could take it or leave it sounds fairly non committal to me, and not necessarily saying that you are “right” in projecting that stuff on your friend immediately on diagnosis, which is the point of this thread. (Or I thought it was)

I’m sorry, OP, but your posts make you look more and more poorly, when I think you’re trying to defend yourself. Did you meet this fri Nd in some kind of group treatment setting?

In any case, you apparently dropped her, which I think is for the best for her.

So go on, be liberated from a friend you apparently didn’t like anyway. She will undoubtedly go on to a life of her own.

If you read further up, I stated I was going to contact them directly. I’ve known them for 40 years. But of course you didn’t read. No surprise. My mention to my friend about the advances of immunotherapy for lung cancers in particular was because I’m concerned for her mother. Narcissism made my friend see that as an attack on her.

No, OP, in reality, narcissism is what makes you continue to make this about you.

Lol. Is this a hobby for you? Sad little life you lead. It’s not about me., you are correct. I’m appalled that she would treat her mother this way but not surprised. Narcissists love to control a situation. She will let the doctors know how smart she is and never let her mother speak with them alone. Who strips hope from someone they care about?

OP, as a trained and educated person in oncology, certainly you realize there are differences in how you treat primary cancer, a recurrence, and metastasis?

I’m also guessing she’s known and has been closer to her mother than you have, but yeah, it’s all about her and her self centeredness.

Of course! The onc will see if she qualifies based on tumor typing and location. My guess is they will check regardless but with some insurance, you personally have to request it. Her mother was a teacher and retired with great secondary insurance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I agree with you, OP. I wonder if your friend was a man, how many DCUM women would be calling you out for creating a healthy boundary between you and a toxic person. Yes, the person is in crisis and under stress, but that is not an excuse to abuse you and for you to have to take it.

And I agree with the PP with the medical experience who said you conveyed the most important thing.

Thank you. I expect the mean girls. They have to do it because they are insecure

Says the person who is only acknowledging posts that agree with her, and who keeps upping the ante every time someone disagrees.

If you were so secure, you wouldn’t be looking for kudos from a bunch of anonymous people about ditching a friend who has a dying family member. You’d
pour yourself a wine/ sparkling water, sit back and feel the relief.

Upping what ante. You idiots are throwing stuff out there simply to be, well idiots

I have no reason to care if I’m insecure. Those days are behind me. But I’m not much of an introvert either, nor a drinker, so stating it here was cathartic. I’ve tried over the years to be patient but this was the last straw. What’s the phrase? A thousand little paper cuts? Let her get pleasure out of “stripping the doctor’s words of semantics so it seems less bad” when she talks to her mother. Just what an 80 year old woman needs

OP you literally had me until this post. Now I agree with the others - you are the one with NPD - like tendencies. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt but this post shows your true colors. And NPD personalities are often attracted to one another so your friend may be too. Either way you should get yourself to counseling stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are a real oncologist, you are just an out of state friend playing doctor at a very stressful time for your friend. Insensitive at best, flat out rude at worst. In grounding the friendship it sounds like you both made out in this equation.

OP here. Spoke to a Nurse Practitioner friend of mine the other day. She agrees with me - my data is correct, passing it along is fine, and friend can take it or leave it alone. Said the doctor might actually discuss it with them anyway. When her own father got cancer at 86, the oncologist suggested immunotherapy due to mets to his lungs, and actually did find and put him in a trial (free btw) as an companion to radiation which made him much more comfortable.

People like yourself come onto threads to stir up sh*t. It's annoying at best and immature at worst. I definitely made out. If she feels she did? Great.

OMG OP. You are nauseating and at best an a-Hole and at worst the NPD personality you accuse your friend of being. That goodness this isn’t real life and I can now run away from you as fast as I can. Bye, bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were in the wrong. She wanted to vent, not get suggestions. Let people deal with their pain and hurt their way, if it is causing you no harm

Yes, she must have been going through rough patch for a while, people are usually having other symptoms for a long time before diagnosis.
It feels like you let her down when she really needed you. I don't know if you realize what it means to have a parent to be diagnosed with a sentence to death. It can make you go crazy in a way.. even if it is a temporary insanity, most people forgive what is said in such times and most people are in so much pain they can not censor themselves, the grief is huge..

She truly did not ask for advice.. and often it is not w hat is needed at this time.. first comfort and understanding, lots of it, and a sholder to cry
and supportive arm.. and then eventually if the situation warrants.. but you nned to be really tactful.

You see.. there is this saying "I don't care how much you know, I want to know how much you care" Who knows maybe you have a history
of offering wrong kind of help to her and maybe that is why she called you out and you used it against her?

You gotta some serious soul searching to do. You are not anywhere near done in my book.

So your story is she called me up all sad and crying and wanted moral support and love? You don't know a true, diagnosed, narcissist.

Let me be clear. She texted me to say that 'the tests on my mother weren't what we expected', then silence. If I asked a question via text, she didn't respond. That's the withholding side of NPD, how they keep their superiority over you. I let it go for about two weeks. Then I texted again, asking "how's your mom?". I got back a text saying they were going to the oncologist the next day. I asked her if it was a reoccurrence of her lung cancer from 5 years ago, to which she said yes, then went on to tell me that she's keeping a notebook "so I can clearly explain to her without the semantics the doctors use to make it sound less bad". That's a direct quote. Why she would want to hurt her mother like that? Well, that's what narcissists do. It was at that point I mentioned immunotherapy, which brought a barrage of attacks insulting my intelligence, to which I replied that I've dealt with the the veiled and not so veiled 'you're so stupid' comments for years and I was done.

And I am.


So you see your scenarios are made up, specifically so you can judge me. Please.

Don’t listen to the worst criticism here. People are piling on you for no reason.

That said, when your friend said “yes”, you should have probably said “oh god I’m so sorry” and called her. Or just written and said let’s talk- when can I call you?”