Just dropped a friend with NPD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree completely with other posters.
When someone’s life is in danger, you go straight to the life-saving options. But then my husband and I are in medicine and scientific research, so this is obvious for us.

You passed along the important info, OP, and that’s all that matters! She will do what she can with it. Lung cancer has a poor outlook.

Thank you. I know. My MIL died of it and it was miserable. Wish she had this opportunity. What they do, they do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like good riddance so good for you.

But, next time, just chill on the offering of immunotherapy advice or at least be careful on how you offer it. Of my friends whose parents have had cancer, not one of them hasn't researched the heck out of everything. On the phone, be supportive and listen. Via email, humbly supply some links to studies and let them take it from there. Lay off on your personal narrative.

I wish I could have. She deliberately withholds and manipulates. Best to let her handle it and the rest of her life. Had there not been a history of hideous behavior on her part, I would let it go. I could tell you stories that would appall you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somebody has a Narcisstic Personality in this scenario, and it's the person who kicked a friend to the curb during an incredibly stressful time for her family.

She was actually formally diagnosed after her job forced her into evaluative therapy after trouble at work. Her response was that it was no surprise because she is smarter than most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She lives out of state. Otherwise I would have punted long ago. After years of not so subtle belittling, age has done away with all inhibitions. Her mother was just diagnosed with lung cancer and I mentioned there were immunotherapy trials and some in practice. I got back a tirade of nastiness, snark and personal insults about how stupid and thoughtless I am. I essentially told her to f off

Done. Feels good

I bet thought you were offering positive advice and your intentions may have been good, but her mother was newly diagnosed. Unless you are her doctor, that's not the time to bring up trials. Her reaction is understandable.

Her reaction was not understandable; it was juvenile. I would be done with her too, OP.

It was also expected, sadly. I’ve known her parents a long time. I’ll send a ‘thinking of you’ card and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

OP, she didn’t call her friend for medical advice. She called to grieve, to express her sadness and concern, and to receive a virtual hug. It’s actually a decent reason for someone to have a phone call be about them.

You don’t know if it’s “obviously treatable” as there are many types of lung cancer. And in any case.. treatable or not, if it’s not survivable long term, your friend has just received the news that her mother is on a long, likely painful road to death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree completely with other posters.
When someone’s life is in danger, you go straight to the life-saving options. But then my husband and I are in medicine and scientific research, so this is obvious for us.

You passed along the important info, OP, and that’s all that matters! She will do what she can with it. Lung cancer has a poor outlook.

Are you on the spectrum? Sounds like it.

You think all scientific, technical and pragmatic people are autistic? If you or a loved one was in mortal danger, you'd prefer people not tell you potentially life-saving info? Sounds like evolution at work, PP

True this. My guess is that the docs aren’t smart enough either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

OP, she didn’t call her friend for medical advice. She called to grieve, to express her sadness and concern, and to receive a virtual hug. It’s actually a decent reason for someone to have a phone call be about them.

You don’t know if it’s “obviously treatable” as there are many types of lung cancer. And in any case.. treatable or not, if it’s not survivable long term, your friend has just received the news that her mother is on a long, likely painful road to death.

She didn’t call me. I reached out to her to ask how things were going as I knew her mom had had testing. She told me the diagnosis and said they were going to see the oncologist to hear options. I said to ask about immunotherapy as well. Her response was that despite what I watch on TV commercials , it doesn’t work and it’s not paid for.

[Anonymous]

NP here and I agree with you, OP. I wonder if your friend was a man, how many DCUM women would be calling you out for creating a healthy boundary between you and a toxic person. Yes, the person is in crisis and under stress, but that is not an excuse to abuse you and for you to have to take it.

And I agree with the PP with the medical experience who said you conveyed the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. In fact, depending on the type of lung cancer, immunotherapy can be a great adjunct treatment, if not primary, and is often covered if not fully funded in trials.

Medical journals have been quite clear. Thought I’d pass along my reading/research. The TV commercial comment, as well as other similar comments are just classically narcissistic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I agree with you, OP. I wonder if your friend was a man, how many DCUM women would be calling you out for creating a healthy boundary between you and a toxic person. Yes, the person is in crisis and under stress, but that is not an excuse to abuse you and for you to have to take it.

And I agree with the PP with the medical experience who said you conveyed the most important thing.

Thank you. I expect the mean girls. They have to do it because they are insecure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I agree with you, OP. I wonder if your friend was a man, how many DCUM women would be calling you out for creating a healthy boundary between you and a toxic person. Yes, the person is in crisis and under stress, but that is not an excuse to abuse you and for you to have to take it.

And I agree with the PP with the medical experience who said you conveyed the most important thing.

Thank you. I expect the mean girls. They have to do it because they are insecure

Says the person who is only acknowledging posts that agree with her, and who keeps upping the ante every time someone disagrees.

If you were so secure, you wouldn’t be looking for kudos from a bunch of anonymous people about ditching a friend who has a dying family member. You’d
pour yourself a wine/ sparkling water, sit back and feel the relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree completely with other posters.
When someone’s life is in danger, you go straight to the life-saving options. But then my husband and I are in medicine and scientific research, so this is obvious for us.

You passed along the important info, OP, and that’s all that matters! She will do what she can with it. Lung cancer has a poor outlook.

I’m sure her doctor has it all covered. She didn’t need advice, she needed an ear.

PP you replied to. Please never think that! For your own survival and that of your loved ones. Doctors are human too, and most do not have the time to keep up with the latest research. This is why you always get a second (or third) opinion in serious cases, and you seek referrals to reputable specialists who do keep abreast of developments (or sometimes lead developments, if they're clinical researchers like my husband).

I know this forum is heavily biased towards women lending an ear, but there are times you need to actually provide info as well. Nothing bars you from doing both.
In this particular case, it seems as if OP was just about done with this person, so she didn't invest a ton of listening - but she covered the most important thing.

You have some valid points but you need to be aware of when and how to provide information for said information provide benefit--and this is assuming your information is relevant and appropriate to the person's situation. And if the person responds badly, you do not decide to f-her for not being appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. In fact, depending on the type of lung cancer, immunotherapy can be a great adjunct treatment, if not primary, and is often covered if not fully funded in trials.

Medical journals have been quite clear. Thought I’d pass along my reading/research. The TV commercial comment, as well as other similar comments are just classically narcissistic

And you knew the type of cancer her mom has, you read medical journals?

I would have said, "maybe so, but please ask, sometimes hospitals can help find resources".

I would say the comments were not necessarily narcissistic as reflecting a catastrophizing view of things.

But anyway, it can't have felt THAT good, or you would not need additional validation. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree completely with other posters.
When someone’s life is in danger, you go straight to the life-saving options. But then my husband and I are in medicine and scientific research, so this is obvious for us.

You passed along the important info, OP, and that’s all that matters! She will do what she can with it. Lung cancer has a poor outlook.

I’m sure her doctor has it all covered. She didn’t need advice, she needed an ear.

PP you replied to. Please never think that! For your own survival and that of your loved ones. Doctors are human too, and most do not have the time to keep up with the latest research. This is why you always get a second (or third) opinion in serious cases, and you seek referrals to reputable specialists who do keep abreast of developments (or sometimes lead developments, if they're clinical researchers like my husband).

I know this forum is heavily biased towards women lending an ear, but there are times you need to actually provide info as well. Nothing bars you from doing both.
In this particular case, it seems as if OP was just about done with this person, so she didn't invest a ton of listening - but she covered the most important thing.

You have some valid points but you need to be aware of when and how to provide information for said information provide benefit--and this is assuming your information is relevant and appropriate to the person's situation. And if the person responds badly, you do not decide to f-her for not being appreciative.

Appropriate response: thanks for the information. I will ask. Inappropriate response: personal attacks. Not hard