Just dropped a friend with NPD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I agree with you, OP. I wonder if your friend was a man, how many DCUM women would be calling you out for creating a healthy boundary between you and a toxic person. Yes, the person is in crisis and under stress, but that is not an excuse to abuse you and for you to have to take it.

And I agree with the PP with the medical experience who said you conveyed the most important thing.

Thank you. I expect the mean girls. They have to do it because they are insecure

Says the person who is only acknowledging posts that agree with her, and who keeps upping the ante every time someone disagrees.

If you were so secure, you wouldn’t be looking for kudos from a bunch of anonymous people about ditching a friend who has a dying family member. You’d
pour yourself a wine/ sparkling water, sit back and feel the relief.

Upping what ante. You idiots are throwing stuff out there simply to be, well idiots

I have no reason to care if I’m insecure. Those days are behind me. But I’m not much of an introvert either, nor a drinker, so stating it here was cathartic. I’ve tried over the years to be patient but this was the last straw. What’s the phrase? A thousand little paper cuts? Let her get pleasure out of “stripping the doctor’s words of semantics so it seems less bad” when she talks to her mother. Just what an 80 year old woman needs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. In fact, depending on the type of lung cancer, immunotherapy can be a great adjunct treatment, if not primary, and is often covered if not fully funded in trials.

Medical journals have been quite clear. Thought I’d pass along my reading/research. The TV commercial comment, as well as other similar comments are just classically narcissistic

And you knew the type of cancer her mom has, you read medical journals?

I would have said, "maybe so, but please ask, sometimes hospitals can help find resources".

I would say the comments were not necessarily narcissistic as reflecting a catastrophizing view of things.

But anyway, it can't have felt THAT good, or you would not need additional validation. Sorry.

Of course I read medical journals! That’s where the breakthroughs and studies are.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, you’ve never had a very close loved one diagnosed with a terminal cancer?

When you are presented with facts from experts —Hopkins, Georgetown, Sloane k, etc. the last thing you want is for some inconsiderate a-hole to tell you all the people they knew who bear it or all the things you should be doing, where your relative should be going, etc.

I had people make light of diagnosis by comparing completely unrelated cancers their parents had which were known to gave better outcomes in the first place.

“I’m so sorry.” And be there to help with meals or anything else the family might need.

Op, it sounds like you are one of those people that want to make the situation about you instead of just being there for a friend. True friends stand by one another under stress and grief and when they might snap because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

Wow. Oncologists prescribe that even when there is zero hope. Ask me how I know...

Immunotherapy does not work on many types of lung cancers. There are different kinds, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

Wow. Oncologists prescribe that even when there is zero hope. Ask me how I know...

Immunotherapy does not work on many types of lung cancers. There are different kinds, btw.

And many policies often decline coverage, particularly in elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somebody has a Narcisstic Personality in this scenario, and it's the person who kicked a friend to the curb during an incredibly stressful time for her family.

She was actually formally diagnosed after her job forced her into evaluative therapy after trouble at work. Her response was that it was no surprise because she is smarter than most people.

Okay, maybe she is a narcissist. Doesnt mean you aren’t also.

She just found out her mom is dying. A fact you still havent shown an ounce of compassion for. Wow.

When you said something that sounded in content and likely tone like you were an uncaring self-centered person more focused on conveying possibly irrelevant information than offering a friend reeling from the news that her mother was dying a shoulder to cry on, she may not have reacted ideally. A real friend would forgive her that and also feel at least a bit of regret that she had caused her friend heartache at the most painful of moments.

Let me give you some unsolicited advice: dont call when friends find out their parent is dying. Responding compassionately in those moments is not your strong suit. I am sure you have others. Compassion after a heartbreaking health diagnosis isnt one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree completely with other posters.
When someone’s life is in danger, you go straight to the life-saving options. But then my husband and I are in medicine and scientific research, so this is obvious for us.

You passed along the important info, OP, and that’s all that matters! She will do what she can with it. Lung cancer has a poor outlook.

Often the clinical trials and immune therapy don’t apply to everyone and perhaps not her mom.
Why would you think that her mom’s medical oncology team wouldn’t have checked her biopsy results against the clinical trials and available immune therapies and advised the family on her options? What exactly do YOU think an oncologist DOES??

This advice is almost as good as when my mother informed me that ‘someone else from her church was also diagnosed with incurable cancer but the priest prayed over her and she lived another 10 years’!’ when referring to my DH’s poor prognosis.

What do you do in the scientific research field? Sort the journals? Mop the floors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree completely with other posters.
When someone’s life is in danger, you go straight to the life-saving options. But then my husband and I are in medicine and scientific research, so this is obvious for us.

You passed along the important info, OP, and that’s all that matters! She will do what she can with it. Lung cancer has a poor outlook.

PP. That wasn't passing on meaningful information. You sound like the medical people who implied to my MIL that full brain radiation on a FIL riddled with cancer was curative and not palliative. You may have passed your classes, PP but you are naive.

I say this as someone in nonmedical research but who has dealt with cancer in the family and as an advocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree completely with other posters.
When someone’s life is in danger, you go straight to the life-saving options. But then my husband and I are in medicine and scientific research, so this is obvious for us.

You passed along the important info, OP, and that’s all that matters! She will do what she can with it. Lung cancer has a poor outlook.

Often the clinical trials and immune therapy don’t apply to everyone and perhaps not her mom.
Why would you think that her mom’s medical oncology team wouldn’t have checked her biopsy results against the clinical trials and available immune therapies and advised the family on her options? What exactly do YOU think an oncologist DOES??

This advice is almost as good as when my mother informed me that ‘someone else from her church was also diagnosed with incurable cancer but the priest prayed over her and she lived another 10 years’!’ when referring to my DH’s poor prognosis.

What do you do in the scientific research field? Sort the journals? Mop the floors?

Hi PP2. Sorry about your husband's diagnosis. I hope his treatment was successful. Dont ya just love the "I'm sure he'll be fine so dont worry" people. My husband had a good shot of dying and there wasn't anywhere to talk about that, not even family, and it sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

Wow. Oncologists prescribe that even when there is zero hope. Ask me how I know...

Immunotherapy does not work on many types of lung cancers. There are different kinds, btw.

And many policies often decline coverage, particularly in elderly.

As they should. Your body needs to be in good shape to withstand certain treatments. The worst thing for an elderly patient is to spend their remaining time too sick to do anything but be sick. Cancer treatment can be fatal. We forget that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somebody has a Narcisstic Personality in this scenario, and it's the person who kicked a friend to the curb during an incredibly stressful time for her family.

She was actually formally diagnosed after her job forced her into evaluative therapy after trouble at work. Her response was that it was no surprise because she is smarter than most people.

Okay, maybe she is a narcissist. Doesnt mean you aren’t also.

She just found out her mom is dying. A fact you still havent shown an ounce of compassion for. Wow.

When you said something that sounded in content and likely tone like you were an uncaring self-centered person more focused on conveying possibly irrelevant information than offering a friend reeling from the news that her mother was dying a shoulder to cry on, she may not have reacted ideally. A real friend would forgive her that and also feel at least a bit of regret that she had caused her friend heartache at the most painful of moments.

Let me give you some unsolicited advice: dont call when friends find out their parent is dying. Responding compassionately in those moments is not your strong suit. I am sure you have others. Compassion after a heartbreaking health diagnosis isnt one.

Armchair psychologist are we? People who want compassion best not nastily insult those who try to give it. Great first step

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree completely with other posters.
When someone’s life is in danger, you go straight to the life-saving options. But then my husband and I are in medicine and scientific research, so this is obvious for us.

You passed along the important info, OP, and that’s all that matters! She will do what she can with it. Lung cancer has a poor outlook.

PP. That wasn't passing on meaningful information. You sound like the medical people who implied to my MIL that full brain radiation on a FIL riddled with cancer was curative and not palliative. You may have passed your classes, PP but you are naive.

I say this as someone in nonmedical research but who has dealt with cancer in the family and as an advocate.

I think op was making a simp,e suggestion. She should have just told her friend ‘damn, no hope! Skip the oncologist!’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

Wow. Oncologists prescribe that even when there is zero hope. Ask me how I know...

Immunotherapy does not work on many types of lung cancers. There are different kinds, btw.

And many policies often decline coverage, particularly in elderly.

As they should. Your body needs to be in good shape to withstand certain treatments. The worst thing for an elderly patient is to spend their remaining time too sick to do anything but be sick. Cancer treatment can be fatal. We forget that.

Immunotherapy can actually be kinder to a body than chemo in a lot of cases. Of course whether she’s even eligible is something to ask about

I have 91 year old friend and colleague just diagnosed with breast cancer. The oncologist did 6 months of radiation because she’s a young 91. Still works, no memory issues, etc Insurance paid. My own grandmother had a pacemaker replaced at 99 because she was a young 99. Insurance paid.

So much speculation here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were kind of thoughtless for both making light of her moms diagnosis and for dropping her when she called you out on it.

How was OP making light of friend's mom's diagnosis?

By implying that since it’s treatable it’s not such a crisis and doing so when this person was clearly in crisis.

Doctors are planning chemo and radiation. Obviously treatable. Survivable long term? No. Immunotherapy has shown to help substantially, if eligible. I merely suggested she ask the oncologist today since it’s a planning session

Wow. Oncologists prescribe that even when there is zero hope. Ask me how I know...

Immunotherapy does not work on many types of lung cancers. There are different kinds, btw.

And many policies often decline coverage, particularly in elderly.

As they should. Your body needs to be in good shape to withstand certain treatments. The worst thing for an elderly patient is to spend their remaining time too sick to do anything but be sick. Cancer treatment can be fatal. We forget that.

Immunotherapy can actually be kinder to a body than chemo in a lot of cases. Of course whether she’s even eligible is something to ask about

I have 91 year old friend and colleague just diagnosed with breast cancer. The oncologist did 6 months of radiation because she’s a young 91. Still works, no memory issues, etc Insurance paid. My own grandmother had a pacemaker replaced at 99 because she was a young 99. Insurance paid.

So much speculation here!

Sure, it “can be”. It’s also often not funded, not useful for certain types of cancers, hard to access in certain areas, etc.

I find it ironic that there are a bunch of back seat oncologists on here pointing fingers, calling everyone else an armchair psychologist.

I have a feeling, based on OPs posts, that she has a history of mean and controlling behaviour towards her friend, then using her friend’s known NPD diagnosis as a canard for her own terrible dealings/communication/relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I agree with you, OP. I wonder if your friend was a man, how many DCUM women would be calling you out for creating a healthy boundary between you and a toxic person. Yes, the person is in crisis and under stress, but that is not an excuse to abuse you and for you to have to take it.

And I agree with the PP with the medical experience who said you conveyed the most important thing.

Thank you. I expect the mean girls. They have to do it because they are insecure

Says the person who is only acknowledging posts that agree with her, and who keeps upping the ante every time someone disagrees.

If you were so secure, you wouldn’t be looking for kudos from a bunch of anonymous people about ditching a friend who has a dying family member. You’d
pour yourself a wine/ sparkling water, sit back and feel the relief.

+1

Fine, you don't like this person. She annoys you. You've been looking for a reason to dump her. And maybe she really is an awful person. But coming onto a public forum to gloat about dropping her right after she finds out that her mom is dying is gross. She might have NPD, but you are hardly a shining example of emotional health, either.