He's in a relationship...so what's his intention when he flirts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Credited answer.

What does that mean?

It's law school jargon for "correct answer".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m surprised that you’re so naive at 34, but maybe you’v lead a very sheltered life.

I'm definitely bit sheltered, but more than that, I don't like to assume anything. I'm one of these people you have to spell things out for. I thought he was probably flirting, and probably attracted to me, but this guy is GOOD. Everything thing he does is right on that edge where it is plausibly deniable. Like, pointing at the clipboard. Yes, he was in my personal space but maybe he was just pointing at the text, you know what I mean?

There is nothing direct and specific for me to respond to, and he never says in words what he is thinking, other than saying he enjoys my company and things like that. I suppose I wouldn't want to say something more direct and have him deny that he mean anything all along.

Spelling it out for you: he’s an asshole. Avoid him like the Zika virus. If he persists, tell him to eff off. If that doesn’t work, complain to HR. The longer you leave this, the harder it will be for you, especially if others have noticed this flirting.

Are you really that sheltered? Did you go out in college and in your 20’s? Look, it’s like the guy at the club that says “so, will your boyfriend beat me up if he sees me talking to you”. They aren’t actually putting themselves out there so you can’t technically reject him. Those guys might have had girlfriends but by putting the attention on your relationship status, you might assume that they were single. You wonder if that cheesy non pickup line works, but apparently it’s a numbers game and all they need is one person out of the many women they meet that night to take them up on it and it’s a victory. And women that aren’t interested will either lie and say they have a boyfriend or have to suddenly go catch up with their friend and that’s the subtle signal back.

So OP, you turn the conversation back to his girlfriend if he compliments you to signal, stop the bs, you have a girlfriend. You step away and give the non verbal cues for him to give you space, like he moves over your shoulder, you move your chair so he has space or ask him pull up the chair instead. If you’ve given a non verbal cue that he is not getting, then go direct and say, I need more personal space when I am working, it’s uncomfortable having someone over my shoulder. Basically, treat the situation as you would for a guy you either aren’t attracted to or that you wouldn’t want either him or other people to get the wrong idea about the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, interesting. He may be interested in savoring your cooze.

[Anonymous]

OP - unimportant to know his intentions. It's a waste of your time. You need to be looking for a quality man. And he's not it.

He's not-man-enough to ask you out definitively, or be genuine. And I'm surprised you are making time for this silliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...And I'm surprised you are making time for this silliness.

Well, the problem is that he has gotten my attention and I have developed quite a crush on him. So I guess I am wondering where he is coming from and what he is thinking and hoping for when it comes to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...And I'm surprised you are making time for this silliness.

Well, the problem is that he has gotten my attention and I have developed quite a crush on him. So I guess I am wondering where he is coming from and what he is thinking and hoping for when it comes to me.

So you’ve had 5 pages of answers including he’s a creep, he’s being inappropriate at work, he likes to stroke his ego, he’s a jackass for flirting with someone when he has a girlfriend and he might be Joe Biden.

None of those things lead to an amazing relationship, long or short term, with you. So using your adult 34 year old brain, what’s your thinking about what your next step might be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...And I'm surprised you are making time for this silliness.

Well, the problem is that he has gotten my attention and I have developed quite a crush on him. So I guess I am wondering where he is coming from and what he is thinking and hoping for when it comes to me.

Have you ever been in a relationship before?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I've been in a relationship before. Several, in fact. However, I have never been on the receiving end of such attentions from someone in a relationship (last I heard he was, anyway). So that is a bit new to me.

At the end of the day, sexual attraction and chemistry go a long way. And for whatever reason we seem to have that.

I just don't know what exactly he is hoping for from me and where he is coming from. As in, does he have a crush on me, does he have feelings for me (despite his best intentions), does he care about me, or is he just trying to determine if I will be a side piece who's DTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I've been in a relationship before. Several, in fact. However, I have never been on the receiving end of such attentions from someone in a relationship (last I heard he was, anyway). So that is a bit new to me.

At the end of the day, sexual attraction and chemistry go a long way. And for whatever reason we seem to have that.

I just don't know what exactly he is hoping for from me and where he is coming from. As in, does he have a crush on me, does he have feelings for me (despite his best intentions), does he care about me, or is he just trying to determine if I will be a side piece who's DTF?

You could just try being an adult...and communicating:

“Bob, what’s going on? You’re very flirtatious and touchy with me. I admit that I like the attention a lot. But my understanding is that you have a girlfriend. And we’re at work. So again, what’s going on?”

[Anonymous]

He wants to have sex with you. Perhaps on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I've been in a relationship before. Several, in fact. However, I have never been on the receiving end of such attentions from someone in a relationship (last I heard he was, anyway). So that is a bit new to me.

At the end of the day, sexual attraction and chemistry go a long way. And for whatever reason we seem to have that.

I just don't know what exactly he is hoping for from me and where he is coming from. As in, does he have a crush on me, does he have feelings for me (despite his best intentions), does he care about me, or is he just trying to determine if I will be a side piece who's DTF?

OP what do you look like? What does he look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I've been in a relationship before. Several, in fact. However, I have never been on the receiving end of such attentions from someone in a relationship (last I heard he was, anyway). So that is a bit new to me.

At the end of the day, sexual attraction and chemistry go a long way. And for whatever reason we seem to have that.

I just don't know what exactly he is hoping for from me and where he is coming from. As in, does he have a crush on me, does he have feelings for me (despite his best intentions), does he care about me, or is he just trying to determine if I will be a side piece who's DTF?

You left out “And if I say anything, it might stop. And I really like this attention and not having to actually be in a relationship. Kinda like me posting here and just soaking in all the attention. I’m not really interested in resolving anything. I just like people focusing on me.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants to have sex with you. Perhaps on a regular basis.

Is that pretty much for certain? Because I fantasize about having sex with him ALL of the time. However, I want him to be the aggressor.

I only feel sexy if the man is aggressive and just has to have me. Otherwise I hold back and I feel shy and reserved. But if he is aggressive it just turns me on so much. That's the problem here. I don't know what sign he wants from me but I want some more undeniable signs from him. I do make eyes at him, but because I am shy I'm not sure how obvious I am being.

I wish he would just wait for a private moment, corner me and kiss me! I wish he would grab me and objectify me a bit and order me arund. That would turn me on so much! Not waiting for a green light, but assuming that I want him...because I do.

Maybe it's bad but I love the attention. I hope he is not just playing around and passing the time but really wants me. (Maybe he's broken up with his girlfriend? But I don't want to ask because I don't want to show that much interest)

[Anonymous]

You left out “And if I say anything, it might stop. And I really like this attention and not having to actually be in a relationship. Kinda like me posting here and just soaking in all the attention. I’m not really interested in resolving anything. I just like people focusing on me.”

That's a little rude but you are entitled to your opinion. I am too shy to ask questions. But moreso, I don't want to engage his conscious mind. I want him to WANT me, not to THINK about whether we should be together, whether he should like me, where is this going, what about the girlfriend, what about the way we know each other, will that cause problems, etc.

The sexual chemistry is there, I feel it. But if he starts THINKING too much he might put a stop to things for all of these (good) reasons. I guess I am loathe to say anything because I am hoping he gets carried away with attraction for me rather than think too much about the cost/benefit analysis of us getting involved, because that might stop things there.

[Anonymous]

...order me around, I meant.