DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do work but I have had to cut down on my hours because he is unable to adjust his work schedule. I know he is busy but I feel like he has to make some time for family. I guess I am really mad because this issue has come up several times this week because we are on break and because we have started to talk about vacation plans for the summer. Earlier this week I asked if he could work a few more hours on the weekend so we could take the kids away somewhere for a long weekend. He got really angry and said he can't take any time off until November/December and I shouldn't ask. Next I suggested we could meet him for lunch or breakfast one day this week. He was too busy which was fine. I really try to be understanding but I guess I am struggling to understand why he can't take 5 minutes to say good night to kids when we are away from home.

I understand work can be demanding but I don't think this lifestyle is sustainable for the long term. We don't go anywhere or do anything. No date nights. Tried going out for coffee alone- did it three times before he started to complain that "it was one less hour" that he could bill. This lifestyle sucks.

You sound really focused on you. His job is killing him and all you can talk about is how it sucks for you and what you want him to do to make your life better.

-biglaw mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you kinda signed up for this as a SAHM to BigLaw. This is how it works for all the families I know, even ones where mom works.

I'm pretty sure that OP said she was a senior associate in BigLaw so this doesn't apply. Nice assumptions, though.

BigLaw =/= sperm donor. It's such BS that people give such a pass. If he can't take 5 frickin minutes to acknowledge his children, pack it up and at least admit you never should have had children. "Getting children's hopes up" that their dad might pay attention to them for 5 whole minutes out of his day? This is how people respond to this???

OP never said she worked. Her DH is big law associate. Op later on said she cut her hours, unclear how much they each earn.

[Anonymous]

Ughh...I’m sorry, OP. Do you at least live near family? Or did you have to move for his job?


Raising kids is hard. It sucks not to have someone to talk about problems and celebrate little milestones with you. My husband works long hours, but I never feel like he is totally unavailable if I need him or I am a nuisance in his life. I’m so sorry, OP. What a crappy place to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do work but I have had to cut down on my hours because he is unable to adjust his work schedule. I know he is busy but I feel like he has to make some time for family. I guess I am really mad because this issue has come up several times this week because we are on break and because we have started to talk about vacation plans for the summer. Earlier this week I asked if he could work a few more hours on the weekend so we could take the kids away somewhere for a long weekend. He got really angry and said he can't take any time off until November/December and I shouldn't ask. Next I suggested we could meet him for lunch or breakfast one day this week. He was too busy which was fine. I really try to be understanding but I guess I am struggling to understand why he can't take 5 minutes to say good night to kids when we are away from home.

I understand work can be demanding but I don't think this lifestyle is sustainable for the long term. We don't go anywhere or do anything. No date nights. Tried going out for coffee alone- did it three times before he started to complain that "it was one less hour" that he could bill. This lifestyle sucks.

You sound really focused on you. His job is killing him and all you can talk about is how it sucks for you and what you want him to do to make your life better.

-biglaw mom

Sure, but he is CHOOSING to work the job that is killing him. This is really on him 100% to realize that his choice of job is making him into a terrible father & partner. Some big law associates have the mental and emotional bandwith to remain connected to family, and others don't. Sounds like he is in the former category. He needs to either figure out ways to carve out some mental energy for his family, or find a new job. Because there are more law jobs out there than BigLaw. I swear, it's so weird how lawyers who were smart enough to go to T10 law schools and get BigLaw jobs become so incredibly disempowered ...

[Anonymous]

I would set up an appointment with a divorce attorney, figure out what to do with finances, and work out a way to leave. And if he really couldn’t find a way to change, then I would go. I woyld not Devore my life to someone who couldn’t give me ten minutes of his time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would set up an appointment with a divorce attorney, figure out what to do with finances, and work out a way to leave. And if he really couldn’t find a way to change, then I would go. I woyld not Devore my life to someone who couldn’t give me ten minutes of his time.

Right, and it's not like he's even so busy because he's saving lives as a surgeon. He's spending 18 hrs/day as a lackey to oil companies and private equity firms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do work but I have had to cut down on my hours because he is unable to adjust his work schedule. I know he is busy but I feel like he has to make some time for family. I guess I am really mad because this issue has come up several times this week because we are on break and because we have started to talk about vacation plans for the summer. Earlier this week I asked if he could work a few more hours on the weekend so we could take the kids away somewhere for a long weekend. He got really angry and said he can't take any time off until November/December and I shouldn't ask. Next I suggested we could meet him for lunch or breakfast one day this week. He was too busy which was fine. I really try to be understanding but I guess I am struggling to understand why he can't take 5 minutes to say good night to kids when we are away from home.

I understand work can be demanding but I don't think this lifestyle is sustainable for the long term. We don't go anywhere or do anything. No date nights. Tried going out for coffee alone- did it three times before he started to complain that "it was one less hour" that he could bill. This lifestyle sucks.

You sound really focused on you. His job is killing him and all you can talk about is how it sucks for you and what you want him to do to make your life better.

-biglaw mom

Sure, but he is CHOOSING to work the job that is killing him. This is really on him 100% to realize that his choice of job is making him into a terrible father & partner. Some big law associates have the mental and emotional bandwith to remain connected to family, and others don't. Sounds like he is in the former category. He needs to either figure out ways to carve out some mental energy for his family, or find a new job. Because there are more law jobs out there than BigLaw. I swear, it's so weird how lawyers who were smart enough to go to T10 law schools and get BigLaw jobs become so incredibly disempowered ...

Ive been actively looking for a job for 2 years now. Senior associate at a top tier firm, from T10 school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clients are for suckers.

Go be the client already. Get to a better place in the food chain. Your stupid bonus isn’t worth it after all the taxes, SS, Medicare anyhow. Go enjoy your life.

I am the client and have outside "big" lawyers and bankers working with me and others in my org on a deal and the late night and weekend status calls and board teleconferences are dreadful. Once the deal goes through, I will be glad when my life is back to normal. I often wonder how the lawyers and bankers have time for their families and would not want to trade places with them for any amount of money. I am a mom and the chief legal officer in my company and I feel for OP but if your DH is the breadwinner and you do not have income independent of his, you are pretty stuck. My DH and I are co-breadwinners although I make slightly more than he does. I don't have any real advice for you. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he is an associate in big law. I know the hours are long but is this what other spouses of big law deal with? How do you manage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is an associate in big law. I know the hours are long but is this what other spouses of big law deal with? How do you manage?

1) have an au pair
2) have twice weekly maid service
3) have an independent social life
4) work my own high demands high pay job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do work but I have had to cut down on my hours because he is unable to adjust his work schedule. I know he is busy but I feel like he has to make some time for family. I guess I am really mad because this issue has come up several times this week because we are on break and because we have started to talk about vacation plans for the summer. Earlier this week I asked if he could work a few more hours on the weekend so we could take the kids away somewhere for a long weekend. He got really angry and said he can't take any time off until November/December and I shouldn't ask. Next I suggested we could meet him for lunch or breakfast one day this week. He was too busy which was fine. I really try to be understanding but I guess I am struggling to understand why he can't take 5 minutes to say good night to kids when we are away from home.

I understand work can be demanding but I don't think this lifestyle is sustainable for the long term. We don't go anywhere or do anything. No date nights. Tried going out for coffee alone- did it three times before he started to complain that "it was one less hour" that he could bill. This lifestyle sucks.

You sound really focused on you. His job is killing him and all you can talk about is how it sucks for you and what you want him to do to make your life better.

-biglaw mom

Sure, but he is CHOOSING to work the job that is killing him. This is really on him 100% to realize that his choice of job is making him into a terrible father & partner. Some big law associates have the mental and emotional bandwith to remain connected to family, and others don't. Sounds like he is in the former category. He needs to either figure out ways to carve out some mental energy for his family, or find a new job. Because there are more law jobs out there than BigLaw. I swear, it's so weird how lawyers who were smart enough to go to T10 law schools and get BigLaw jobs become so incredibly disempowered ...

Ive been actively looking for a job for 2 years now. Senior associate at a top tier firm, from T10 school.

I've never heard of it taking that long for anyone, so you must be doing something wrong.

[Anonymous]

His room in college was a messy filthy disaster too. Too bad that the parents did not raise an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is an associate in big law. I know the hours are long but is this what other spouses of big law deal with? How do you manage?

1) have an au pair
2) have twice weekly maid service
3) have an independent social life
4) work my own high demands high pay job

Yeah it sucks. You can’t quit your job until he makes partner.

What is your career?

But again you signed up for this. Have him quit and become a title attorney back in Ohio — would you like that better?

[Anonymous]

Wife of biglaw senior associate here with 3 young kids. I get it. DH and I also basically never do date nights, he frequently is in the office all weekend, he almost never makes it home for bedtime, and he's about to bail on our long-planned spring break trip due to a case.

IMO you aren't overreacting but also you are. Yes, it's shitty that he can't spend 5 min to videochat at bedtime. But also, he says he can't do it and instead of accepting that, you wind up mad and sad and have a big argument. He's an adult and he's making choices all along the way here. You can either accept them and work with/around them, or spend a lot of your time angry and eventually divorce.

I'm not a SAHM by the way. I'm a lawyer myself. I made the choice to switch from biglaw to a smaller firm so that I can have more balance in my life. It's important to me to spend time with my kids, to get involved in other activities besides work work work, and to have a modicum of a social life without worrying that my weekend was going to be spent in the office. Do I wish those things were as important to my DH? Sure. Do I think he should listen to Cat's in the Cradle once or twice himself? Absolutely. Am I worried about his future relationships with his kids? A little bit. But I can't make him be different, and I make myself miserable getting pissed off all the time when he makes different choices. Instead, I choose to structure my life the way I want it, and I'm teaching my kids (ages 6, 4, 1) to be independent so that I don't need his help when he's not around.

In my case, I hope that my DH catches on to where his priorities should be, and every now and then we do talk priorities and what's the point of working so hard for money when you can't enjoy it. It could be worthwhile for you to check in with your DH on priorities and goals periodically. But sweating this small stuff is just a recipe for resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he is an associate in big law. I know the hours are long but is this what other spouses of big law deal with? How do you manage?

1) have an au pair
2) have twice weekly maid service
3) have an independent social life
4) work my own high demands high pay job

Yeah it sucks. You can’t quit your job until he makes partner.

What is your career?

But again you signed up for this. Have him quit and become a title attorney back in Ohio — would you like that better?

That's probably a better choice for most people, and no doubt a more enjoyable and socially useful way of practicing law.