DH can't balance work and family. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Yes, sure, work intrudes. OP, does he apologize? Does he recognize that this sucks for you and the kids, to have him commit to time and then reneg? I think that makes a HUGE difference -- to not take you for granted, but to realize that if he said he'd be home by six and then isn't, to understand that part of what he needs to do is call in and apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband is a lawyer. Usually he doesn't come home until around 8:30, sometimes 9:00pm. Yes, he sometimes has to work later and his schedule changes. Most nights kids don't wait up to say goodnight. But since we aren't at home and kids are seeing him at all, I thought calling would be okay. I waited until 8:30 when he usually is done before calling and because he told me his schedule wasn't going to be bad today. Of course, I understand things change but still having trouble understanding why he couldn't take a 5 minute break. Anyway, we ended up having a huge argument over this.

Tell him to listen to ‘Cats in the Cradle’ by Harry Chapin. Maybe then he’ll get it.

Ugh pound sand. He’s trying to fund their life.

And you know this how? You don’t produce kids and then expect your spouse to carry everything.

[Anonymous]

I'm totally on your side but you should really try not to get the kids' hopes up. Text and ask if he can call. Don't let them sit there and watch him hit "ignore."

[Anonymous]

Is he a partner?

[Anonymous]

Op, you kinda signed up for this as a SAHM to BigLaw. This is how it works for all the families I know, even ones where mom works.

[Anonymous]

What the hell people? She said he never has a day off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm totally on your side but you should really try not to get the kids' hopes up. Text and ask if he can call. Don't let them sit there and watch him hit "ignore."

+1

I would ask him to pick a time each day (doesn't have to be the same time) and schedule the call. He gets to fit it into his workflow, you and the kids get to talk to him.

The larger issue is that he works a lot. If you are willing to give up some of the stuff that his income pays for, you would have a leg to stand on in asking him to cut down on his hours or find another job. You could also offer to get a job to help make up the difference. If you want all the money, you just don't like how it's earned, I think you can continue to express that you'd like to see him more often, but otherwise, you have to let it go. No guilt trips, no arguments, etc.

This is assuming he's not having an affair, which is completely different problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you kinda signed up for this as a SAHM to BigLaw. This is how it works for all the families I know, even ones where mom works.

I'm pretty sure that OP said she was a senior associate in BigLaw so this doesn't apply. Nice assumptions, though.

BigLaw =/= sperm donor. It's such BS that people give such a pass. If he can't take 5 frickin minutes to acknowledge his children, pack it up and at least admit you never should have had children. "Getting children's hopes up" that their dad might pay attention to them for 5 whole minutes out of his day? This is how people respond to this???

[Anonymous]

I am with you, OP. I bet if a client had called and asked to talk to your husband for 10 minutes, then he would have made time or at least provided a better explanation.
I don’t understand people who treat their spouse as the lowest priority. If he got sick and couldn’t do his work anymore, his clients would drop him immediately. They probably would t even call to ask how he was doing. However, you, his wife, will be right there with him. You and your children are probably on a very short list of people who care about him for himself, not what he can do for you.
It’s stupid to treat the most important people in your life like they are disposable, and instead give priority to the people who treat you as disposable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband is a lawyer. Usually he doesn't come home until around 8:30, sometimes 9:00pm. Yes, he sometimes has to work later and his schedule changes. Most nights kids don't wait up to say goodnight. But since we aren't at home and kids are seeing him at all, I thought calling would be okay. I waited until 8:30 when he usually is done before calling and because he told me his schedule wasn't going to be bad today. Of course, I understand things change but still having trouble understanding why he couldn't take a 5 minute break. Anyway, we ended up having a huge argument over this.

Tell him to listen to ‘Cats in the Cradle’ by Harry Chapin. Maybe then he’ll get it.

Ugh pound sand. He’s trying to fund their life.

Ugh, get a clue. Don't make babies if you're not prepared to be a father. Plenty of women are high earners, sometimes earning more than their spouses, but don't check out from their kid's lives.

You’re quoting me. I’m a biglaw mom.

[Anonymous]

Does he work so much because he wants to or because that is the amount he has to work to keep his high-paying job? If it's the latter, would you be okay with less money and have you told him so?

My spouse complains that I work a lot (although my hours are nothing like your husband's). This is really frustrating for me, because I am just working the hours I need to work to keep my high-paying job. My spouse does not work outside the home (this is changing), but wanted a vacation house, two kids, a cleaning lady, etc. My spouse wants it all and doesn't seem to get that that is not possible.

OP, your spouse may be a workaholic or he may just value his job more than his family. But, I would suggest you also think hard about whether you need to give up something to make it possible for him to cut back a little.

[Anonymous]

You should go to therapy. It sounds like his job is extremely demanding, so you guys need to come to terms with that and work out solutions you can both live with.

[Anonymous]

I'm in somewhat of a similar situation and last night my husband informed me he was planning on devoting more time outside of the family. I'm not a SAHM and out-earn my husband and this is going to make my life more difficult. Plus it's not what I signed up for/what I want. I am going to propose that we separate while he does his own thing. I'm not going to try to stop him but I'm not going to enable it either. If his priorities lie outside of the family then that's where he needs to be.

[Anonymous]

I do work but I have had to cut down on my hours because he is unable to adjust his work schedule. I know he is busy but I feel like he has to make some time for family. I guess I am really mad because this issue has come up several times this week because we are on break and because we have started to talk about vacation plans for the summer. Earlier this week I asked if he could work a few more hours on the weekend so we could take the kids away somewhere for a long weekend. He got really angry and said he can't take any time off until November/December and I shouldn't ask. Next I suggested we could meet him for lunch or breakfast one day this week. He was too busy which was fine. I really try to be understanding but I guess I am struggling to understand why he can't take 5 minutes to say good night to kids when we are away from home.

I understand work can be demanding but I don't think this lifestyle is sustainable for the long term. We don't go anywhere or do anything. No date nights. Tried going out for coffee alone- did it three times before he started to complain that "it was one less hour" that he could bill. This lifestyle sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do work but I have had to cut down on my hours because he is unable to adjust his work schedule. I know he is busy but I feel like he has to make some time for family. I guess I am really mad because this issue has come up several times this week because we are on break and because we have started to talk about vacation plans for the summer. Earlier this week I asked if he could work a few more hours on the weekend so we could take the kids away somewhere for a long weekend. He got really angry and said he can't take any time off until November/December and I shouldn't ask. Next I suggested we could meet him for lunch or breakfast one day this week. He was too busy which was fine. I really try to be understanding but I guess I am struggling to understand why he can't take 5 minutes to say good night to kids when we are away from home.

I understand work can be demanding but I don't think this lifestyle is sustainable for the long term. We don't go anywhere or do anything. No date nights. Tried going out for coffee alone- did it three times before he started to complain that "it was one less hour" that he could bill. This lifestyle sucks.

So he's an associate in BigLaw?

Seriously OP - therapy ASAP. This is not a sustainable lifestyle, and you both know it. You guys need a plan to balance your lives better.