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[quote=Anonymous]I started dating my husband in college and for better or worse loved him before I met his parents. His mom is lovey but will not stand up to her hisband. My FIl is a white nationalist who says horrible things. Two of his four children (both daughters) have cut him out of their lives. He seems to be getting worse - either with age or with the atmosphere. Our children are very young and we visit rarely (maybe 4 days a year). During one visit I was holding our infant and or older child was watching cartoons and he launched into racist rhetoric. I told him that he was not allowed to express those views to my children. He said I was intolerant and bullying him and threatening to cut him off from the only grandchildren he has access too. My husband said “you can’t talk about Mary Poppins or math or cooking or whatever while our children are around?” Sadly I think he’s lonely and wants us to engage - even if it’s to argue. I often regret it is what it is (interestingly my parents are more closeted racists and my husband points out positions I have or views I hold that may be unintentionally racist) but we’re a team with it.

I would ask your daughter whether his views concern her, and then LISTEN. Don’t freak out if her views aren’t liberal but make sure she’s thought about whether she and her fiancé can be a team on this. Make it clear that you have no obligation to be friends and will not tolerate certain language. (My parents haven’t seen my in-laws since my wedding.)

For what it’s worth, my mom did express concerns to me about whether I really wanted my FIl to be my FIl but in her case she said it was because he’s fat. He is generally demeaning of people, but I didn’t think it was fair to break up with someone I loved - and who loves me - because his father is fat and demeaning and generally uncouth. If my DH didn’t have my back I might view things differently. [/quote]

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