12 year old hit nanny. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

New poster.
Whatever you do, start immediately. This is your one huge wake-up call, OP., and you need to move now before the next time your child lashes out. Your kid hit an adult.. Twice.

Think in terms not just of consequences for that but also in terms of what is going to happen if your child hits another student or a teacher or other adult at school or in an activity.

That hit will not end like this incident. The nanny didn't (as far as you've told us) leave or involve cops. Next time there will be a school investigation or school discipline or suspension, or your child will be ejected from an activity, or parents will involve the police -- SN or no SN.

You haven returned to answer some PPs' questions about whether the physical aggression is new or a pattern you've seen before. Whichever it is, this incident may be your one shot to get DC more intensive intervention before it happens again. Next time the victim may not be nanny but someone who will get authorities involved, whether that's police or school or both, and once outside authorities are involved you lose any control over the outcome and could end up with a kid at home suspended and angry.

I would also consider counseling for your younger child; I would seriously wonder if that child feels safe, ever, in his or her own home, if the older child does things like trip him etc. Take care that the focus on your older child does not mean the younger sibling is feeling afraid and stressed but doesn't show it and you assume all is OK with younger sibling when it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry this happened, OP.

I'm actually very surprised that your nanny didn't call you up and quit on the spot. But assuming she did not, and that you have already expressed your sincere apologies for this behavior, I'm thinking you're asking for advice on how to handle addressing this with your child and not the nanny.

I think it's time for a serious chat with your borderline special needs 12-year-old kiddo about how fortunate she is that the nanny didn't call the police and report her for assault. (Maybe I'm making a huge leap to assume the child is a girl...but my thinking here would be that there is almost no way the nanny would *not* call the cops if it had been a boy that hit her...twice!)

And then there needs to be serious consequences. Whatever your child adores, that is what she no longer has access to...for at least two weeks. Ipad, phone, sports? TV...whatever it is that she loves dearly, that is the price she needs to pay for the physical outburst. DC needs to understand that this cannot and will not happen again.

+1

I'm also surprised the nanny didn't quit right there.

Is your nanny very experienced with older special needs kids and went into this job knowing she was dealing with a potentially violent child who is big enough to be dangerous at age 12?

+1

[Anonymous]

Is there hitting in this child's life in other contexts besides this swing at the nanny?

OP -

I'd have a long talk with the nanny about the how and the why and if she is equipped for this going forward. If she is not, part kindly with severance and a good reference - if you are lucky you will get time to look for a replacement.

[Anonymous]

OP why the F are you posting here and asking about this? You knew you were just going to get the peanut gallery with no understanding of autism right?

Doesn't your child have a therapy team? Obviously, you and your nanny need to have strategies to avoid melt-downs and aggressive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP why the F are you posting here and asking about this? You knew you were just going to get the peanut gallery with no understanding of autism right?

Doesn't your child have a therapy team? Obviously, you and your nanny need to have strategies to avoid melt-downs and aggressive behavior.

How helpful of you to make OP feel even worse by insulting her for posting on the "wrong" forum. She's already been pointed toward the SN forum by an earlier poster who didn't find it necessary to berate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny was trying to fill kids days with activities. 12 year old chose the first and younger sibling chose the second. 12 year old not happy with the second activity had an attitude all day and proceeded to ignore babysitter and her requests, be rude and disrespectful. 12 year old also tripped and shoved younger sibling. After being reprimanded and told by the nanny that electronics would be banned for the week, 12 year old slaps nanny in the face. Nanny says do not do that. 12 year old slaps her again. Worth to mention that 12 year old is on the very functional end of the autism spectrum, has ADHD and anxiety/depression (is being treated for all the above).

Please don’t be rude with your answers, I’d rather you not answer at all if that’s where you’re going to take it. This is a delicate situation and I just want to get some different perspectives and see how other people would (or think they would) react.

Well, don't fire the nanny for being assaulted at work-- but also ask her if she feels safe going forward, because you can't guarantee that this won't happen again. If not, offer to write her a nice reference and give her severance. While you want to give your nanny the option, you may need a serious (not blaming) conversation. Your child has ADHD/ASD and some mental health issues-- he/she is going through puberty on top of it. These things should be discussed candidly because they represent a significant challenge to caregiving- it may be that your nanny chooses to stay on until she finds another job or perhaps, she has a different game plan for heading off this aggression in the future--because, like it or not, that is also part of the equation.

First, your DC should apologize- preferably in writing. Lose electronics long enough to feel the pain, but not long enough to make it meaningless. What really needs to happen is that your DC must go over this with a therapist. Hitting at age twelve is assault, and it's important that you call it what it is- even if you know and I know that your DC has significant struggles, you do what him to take responsibility for his behavior as a first step to not repeating it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: This is a serious criminal offense. In your shoes I would have a big reaction involving his medical team.

I agree if nanny had called the police for the assault that happened the 12 year old would have been arrested.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have no advice but I just wanted to share that I feel awful for you. I can’t imagine what you are feeling but it must be incredibly stressful. Just sending a sympathetic hug your way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry this happened, OP.

I'm actually very surprised that your nanny didn't call you up and quit on the spot. But assuming she did not, and that you have already expressed your sincere apologies for this behavior, I'm thinking you're asking for advice on how to handle addressing this with your child and not the nanny.

I think it's time for a serious chat with your borderline special needs 12-year-old kiddo about how fortunate she is that the nanny didn't call the police and report her for assault. (Maybe I'm making a huge leap to assume the child is a girl...but my thinking here would be that there is almost no way the nanny would *not* call the cops if it had been a boy that hit her...twice!)

And then there needs to be serious consequences. Whatever your child adores, that is what she no longer has access to...for at least two weeks. Ipad, phone, sports? TV...whatever it is that she loves dearly, that is the price she needs to pay for the physical outburst. DC needs to understand that this cannot and will not happen again.

+1

You are lucky the nanny did not quit. Please do not make excuses for your 12 year old. Did you punish the 12 year old for hurting the younger sibling. I’d trash his/her electronics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your child. What do you think you should do? I would ground to room for a week, no electronics for two weeks and apology. I’d get the medications adjusted and amp up therapy.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry this happened, OP.

I'm actually very surprised that your nanny didn't call you up and quit on the spot. But assuming she did not, and that you have already expressed your sincere apologies for this behavior, I'm thinking you're asking for advice on how to handle addressing this with your child and not the nanny.

I think it's time for a serious chat with your borderline special needs 12-year-old kiddo about how fortunate she is that the nanny didn't call the police and report her for assault. (Maybe I'm making a huge leap to assume the child is a girl...but my thinking here would be that there is almost no way the nanny would *not* call the cops if it had been a boy that hit her...twice!)

And then there needs to be serious consequences. Whatever your child adores, that is what she no longer has access to...for at least two weeks. Ipad, phone, sports? TV...whatever it is that she loves dearly, that is the price she needs to pay for the physical outburst. DC needs to understand that this cannot and will not happen again.

Two weeks? At my house, unrestricted access to that stuff would be gone permanently. DC would be given a clear plan for earning each one on a daily basis. You want to watch TV today? Okay, these are the things that you have to do first - clean your room, take a shower, be polite to the nanny, be physically gentle with your siblings and with your nanny.

I worked at an autism school. They gave each kid a ticket for every 5 minutes they were on task in class. When you had 5-15 tickets, you earned an activity during break. That's too short a time for this kid, but a similar idea could work. For example, if child is well behaved for 1 hour = 1 ticket. 3 tickets = 1/2 hour of television.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom.

My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends.

Preach it....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom.

My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends.

Preach it....

+1 If you don't nip this kind of thing in the bud what will happen when your 12 yr old gets bigger and stronger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life would be dramatically different. I wouldn’t use his SNs as a crutch. I have two children who are high functioning, but also on the spectrum and ADHD. One also has anxiety and depression. No way would I try to justify or excuse physical violence. I would talk to the nanny about what she wants. Offer two weeks of full pay and a perfect reference if she wants to quit. And my child would have a mattress, blankets, and clothing in his room. Maybe a book. And nothing else. No electronics. He would be in his room except for school and meals. I would allow him to gradually earn back his possessions and freedom.

My kids are older. We don’t play those games in our house. You hurt someone, life as you once knew it ends.

Preach it....

This goes completely against any advice I have ever heard from anyone who works with kids on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what do all of you think nanny should have done after 12 year old tripped the sibling and obvious repeated reprimands from nanny prior to even that? All the behavioral issues justify that too? This is a serious situation and OP needs to take her child to therapy and have a professional opinion on how to handle so much aggression. OP, does your child have proper remorse for this action or not due to autism and other issues? If not, is he/she in behavioral therapy?

The book, the Explosive Child, is helpful. Kids will do the right thing if they can. OP’s kid cannot, right now. Piling punishment on a kid prone to rage will bring the rage on. Not back it down. Reflexive communication is better. Be his frontal lobe for him and help him walk through the issues. Bring him in on the problem solving. Walking your ADHD kid through this consistently will help him build his own skills of deflecting range and inappropriate impulsive violent behavior.

I’m all for comsequences for normal situations. But a tendency toward violence/rage is different and the kid has to be handled differently. Of course, therapy is a must.

Yes, if your child is violent, coddle them. Consequences are totally inappropriate.

Helping a child who has diagnoses that go hand in hand with missing social and communication skills and are accompanied by a lack of flexibility learn the skills he doesn’t naturally have is not coddling. It’s preparing him for the future.

It's coddling if you don't have consequences in addition to the help. No one is saying not to teach coping mechanisms, but you have to also have consequences that convey the unacceptable nature of his behavior.

They know it’s unacceptable. They need to know how to prevent the rage before it happens, and to control behavior when it does.