Wife wants to move from city to small hometown, I don't

[Anonymous]

My husband moved to the city for me where we lived for most of our relationship. He was miserable. A year ago we moved out to a smaller town (not a small town where he’s from, but smaller town). I thought I’d hate it, but honestly, it’s been pretty good.

Try it, you never know. It sounds like you are fighting the change vs your love of city living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do yo have any reaction at all to the fact that the way you describe your wife has led to people calling her a liar? Is that what you are trying to project here? That she baited you and is now 8 years after kids trying to switch you?

Personally I relate to your situation. I am west coast and dh is east. A choice needed to be made. I am the one who gave up my dream of ever moving back. It was heartbreaking at the time and I am still heartbroken. My kids don’t know my side of the family like they do dh’s. He felt bad about it for my sake but he moved on the minute the decision was made. I think about it constantly even to this day, 10 years later. I made a decision not to mope about it in front of him because he would just get pissed. But it feels like a death. Still.

I don't think it's at all to call her a liar. I even said in OP that I understand people change. I'm not here look for reinforcement of my story, I just laid out the facts, what's being asked, and how I feel about it. I'm asking for help.

So are you and your husband living on different sides of the country? And if so, are you still married? - OP

They're living together because she made a huge sacrifice for him...and it still breaks her heart. Have you no empathy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's wife is typical of women who get married but their husband does not become their family, instead they cling to their roots.

My parents live 7 minutes away but she complains about them all the time. They like to see us every week but she says it's too much and that we should see them a minimum of every two weeks.

I asked her if the same rule would apply if we lived near her family and she said..... probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://youtu.be/AsiLfAm765Y

Link to SATC scene where Big acts just like the OP.

PS - Carrie's dress is totes adorbz.

Carrie was nuts and waited 10 years for a man who left her standing at the alter. This is your big idol?

Not my idol at all. The only person more selfish than Big was Carrie.

Just happened to see the episode recently, and I just rolled my eyes. That incident should have been enough for her to realize that he was a selfish asshat incapable of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband moved to the city for me where we lived for most of our relationship. He was miserable. A year ago we moved out to a smaller town (not a small town where he’s from, but smaller town). I thought I’d hate it, but honestly, it’s been pretty good.

Try it, you never know. It sounds like you are fighting the change vs your love of city living.

Absolutely I am. Who likes change? I do not deal well with change in large doses. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's wife is typical of women who get married but their husband does not become their family, instead they cling to their roots.

My parents live 7 minutes away but she complains about them all the time. They like to see us every week but she says it's too much and that we should see them a minimum of every two weeks.

I asked her if the same rule would apply if we lived near her family and she said..... probably not.

Well, she's been accommodating you and your parents for decades. Don't you think there would be some catching up to do with her own family?

PS - Again: it sounds like you don't really like your wife very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband moved to the city for me where we lived for most of our relationship. He was miserable. A year ago we moved out to a smaller town (not a small town where he’s from, but smaller town). I thought I’d hate it, but honestly, it’s been pretty good.

Try it, you never know. It sounds like you are fighting the change vs your love of city living.

Absolutely I am. Who likes change? I do not deal well with change in large doses. - OP

...or small doses...or at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, she's been accommodating you and your parents for decades. Don't you think there would be some catching up to do with her own family?

PS - Again: it sounds like you don't really like your wife very much.

Well she spends 4-5 weeks a year with them, 24 hours a day.
We see my parents for maybe an hour a week, which over a year totals about 2 days' worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
...or small doses...or at all.

Imagine an unhealthy person saying "I'm going to quit smoking, stop drinking, stop eating junk food, give up coffee, eat healthy and go to the gym 3 times a week."

You'd be setting yourself up for a failure because it's too much all at once.

I can manage change in small steps, so I'm looking for a workable solution that makes us both feel like winners. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do yo have any reaction at all to the fact that the way you describe your wife has led to people calling her a liar? Is that what you are trying to project here? That she baited you and is now 8 years after kids trying to switch you?

Personally I relate to your situation. I am west coast and dh is east. A choice needed to be made. I am the one who gave up my dream of ever moving back. It was heartbreaking at the time and I am still heartbroken. My kids don’t know my side of the family like they do dh’s. He felt bad about it for my sake but he moved on the minute the decision was made. I think about it constantly even to this day, 10 years later. I made a decision not to mope about it in front of him because he would just get pissed. But it feels like a death. Still.

I don't think it's at all to call her a liar. I even said in OP that I understand people change. I'm not here look for reinforcement of my story, I just laid out the facts, what's being asked, and how I feel about it. I'm asking for help.

So are you and your husband living on different sides of the country? And if so, are you still married? - OP

Pp here. Yes we are still married and living on the east coast. We are here because this was in the best interests of our family at the time (and with 2 under 10 it still is). That doesn’t mean I’m not homesick. I grew up around water and that is a thing - there’s no water for an hour in any direction and for people who grow up near water it is stifling. I miss my family. My grandparents and one of my parents all died in the last 5 years. It’s just a longing that doesn’t go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, she's been accommodating you and your parents for decades. Don't you think there would be some catching up to do with her own family?

PS - Again: it sounds like you don't really like your wife very much.

Well she spends 4-5 weeks a year with them, 24 hours a day.
We see my parents for maybe an hour a week, which over a year totals about 2 days' worth.

OMG! Shall I call you a wah-mbulance?

You're exhausting, op. Truly.

You two need joint counseling. Someone needs to help you realize that marriage is a two-way street, compromise is critical, and your tit for tat attitude is dangerous. A good therapist can help you with that.

Unfortunately, a therapist can't train you to love your wife and prioritize her happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, she's been accommodating you and your parents for decades. Don't you think there would be some catching up to do with her own family?

PS - Again: it sounds like you don't really like your wife very much.

Well she spends 4-5 weeks a year with them, 24 hours a day.
We see my parents for maybe an hour a week, which over a year totals about 2 days' worth.

How much time do YOU spend with HER parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
...or small doses...or at all.

Imagine an unhealthy person saying "I'm going to quit smoking, stop drinking, stop eating junk food, give up coffee, eat healthy and go to the gym 3 times a week."

You'd be setting yourself up for a failure because it's too much all at once.

I can manage change in small steps, so I'm looking for a workable solution that makes us both feel like winners. - OP

Right. Because you need to win.

Start looking into renting a place there for a year. Your family can use it as much as she likes to try it out. If you two decide to make the leap, then downsize to a smaller place in the city and get a bigger place in the small town. Agree to try it for one year...but really keep an open mind and actually try to make a go of it (rather than whining and sabotaging).

There's really no other solution, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Right. Because you need to win.

Start looking into renting a place there for a year. Your family can use it as much as she likes to try it out. If you two decide to make the leap, then downsize to a smaller place in the city and get a bigger place in the small town. Agree to try it for one year...but really keep an open mind and actually try to make a go of it (rather than whining and sabotaging).

There's really no other solution, right?

Pretty much right - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Unfortunately, a therapist can't train you to love your wife and prioritize her happiness.

If I should prioritize her happiness, should she in turn prioritize mine? Who ultimately gets priority and why? - OP