women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask for help with a specific task with out all the psychobabble?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?

Read up on the psychobabble, and you'd see that asking for help with a specific task is taking on the role of the executive manager, and it's a gigantic burden, much greater than being handed 2 forms to fill and asked to make a ped appt.

I've read. My point is, how about instead of complaining to DH, "I'm taking on 85% of the mental load", just asking for help. OP's DH is getting defensive because she is criticizing him for not doing enough mental load, when surely he doesn't even know what mental load is. And all OP really wants is help.
Unless she wants to complain about mental load, and then of course, she is just complaining and the kids aren't getting to the ped and the forms are still sitting on the counter, meanwhile her DH is angry and she is resentful=failed marriage.
This is a communication problem. Just ask for what you need specifically and stop with the mental load ridiculous mommy blogging BS. The eyes of most men will glaze over.

so women not only take on the mental load, but also the additional emotional labor of communicating that juussst right so their delicated husbands don't "glaze over." gotcha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask for help with a specific task with out all the psychobabble?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?

Read up on the psychobabble, and you'd see that asking for help with a specific task is taking on the role of the executive manager, and it's a gigantic burden, much greater than being handed 2 forms to fill and asked to make a ped appt.

I've read. My point is, how about instead of complaining to DH, "I'm taking on 85% of the mental load", just asking for help. OP's DH is getting defensive because she is criticizing him for not doing enough mental load, when surely he doesn't even know what mental load is. And all OP really wants is help.
Unless she wants to complain about mental load, and then of course, she is just complaining and the kids aren't getting to the ped and the forms are still sitting on the counter, meanwhile her DH is angry and she is resentful=failed marriage.
This is a communication problem. Just ask for what you need specifically and stop with the mental load ridiculous mommy blogging BS. The eyes of most men will glaze over.

so women not only take on the mental load, but also the additional emotional labor of communicating that juussst right so their delicated husbands don't "glaze over." gotcha.

Oh god go marry yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men take on the mental burden to provide and protect their families. They feel the pressure and responsibility for their family's economic well being, housing, and for keeping the family safe.

Yeah... I don't think my husband is burdened by this...

Any decent man is.

[Anonymous]

DH and I share a Google calendar with things listed that need to be done. These are things that aren't done normally because either one of is enjoys it (grocery lists and shopping for me) or because we naturally just do what we can during the week (laundry and picking up). That stuff we all split pretty 50/50.

The calendar is more for calling for appts, signing up for things, things that need to be done around the house (check fire alarms and replace batteries for example). DH and I both add to this list and every couple of weeks we sit down and go over the next couple of weeks and divide the tasks. Some weeks one of us does more to ease the burden on the other if work is going to be particularly bad. We have two rules..

1. Anything involving signing up for a commitment needs to be run by the other spouse first.

2. No micromanaging.

We also have "assigned duties" for anything that crops up.

It works out great. It keeps us organized and current (we are both procrastinators) and it's caused DH to be more involved in the "family" planning vs the "house" planning. I was a SAHM for 2 years, so I had undestandably been the default. I like our plan. It may not work for some, but it works for us.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a great approach and the type of constructive, specific suggestion that OP and many others were looking for...thank you!

It sounds like you actually schedule time to do the tasks in Google calendar. For example, do you schedule a block of time on, say, a Saturday and then put the tasks such as "check fire alarms and replace batteries" during that time frame, correct?

Thanks again.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I share a Google calendar with things listed that need to be done. These are things that aren't done normally because either one of is enjoys it (grocery lists and shopping for me) or because we naturally just do what we can during the week (laundry and picking up). That stuff we all split pretty 50/50.

The calendar is more for calling for appts, signing up for things, things that need to be done around the house (check fire alarms and replace batteries for example). DH and I both add to this list and every couple of weeks we sit down and go over the next couple of weeks and divide the tasks. Some weeks one of us does more to ease the burden on the other if work is going to be particularly bad. We have two rules..

1. Anything involving signing up for a commitment needs to be run by the other spouse first.

2. No micromanaging.

We also have "assigned duties" for anything that crops up.

It works out great. It keeps us organized and current (we are both procrastinators) and it's caused DH to be more involved in the "family" planning vs the "house" planning. I was a SAHM for 2 years, so I had undestandably been the default. I like our plan. It may not work for some, but it works for us.

[Anonymous]

OP should divorce and marry a woman. That would solve all her problems!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm detail oriented and my DH isn't. I'm a planner and my DH isn't. He makes a ton of money and I don't. He's great managing our investments and I'm clueless. I'm good at what I do and he's good at what he does and we have great appreciation for each others strengths. He'd be clueless about organizing summer camps etc. I'd be clueless in investing in private equity venture funds. We are incredibly different in terms of our strengths but we are perfectly compatible.

How does this help OP? OP isn't a sahp. She works full-time just like her dh.

PP - I work full time to, I just don't make a lot of money. All I'm suggesting is she and her DH try to figure out what each is particularly good at and divide the work along those lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband handles all the camp stuff. We have boys, and he's interested in their sports skills. He also handles all their sports registrations and coordinates their practice and game schedules. I literally do nothing except drop offs at practice or watch games.

He handles all the finances.

I handle all things medical (including his medical appointments), most school related, and religious education (although he does the drop off/pick up).

He handles house maintenance, and I am largely responsible for cleaning.

We're pretty much the same way. The lawn mower is his, the vacuum cleaner is mine. Over time we have developed a good sense of who does what without ever sitting down and reviewing it. I know a play a bigger role in making our world work even though I have a job but he works much longer hours and travels a lot. He's a great husband and Dad and I'd be an idiot to whine.

[Anonymous]

DH and I manage this well by having each be fully responsible for different activities. He is responsible for all laundry, dishes, setting up and taking DD to medical appointments, taking care of the car, and doing the grocery shopping. I take care of the dog, manage the grocery/shopping list, do the cooking, vacuuming, and mopping. He does daycare pick up, I do drop off. He does the morning and evening walks for the dog, I do the midday walk.

We both thrive on routine so this works for us and by having one person assigned as being responsible for a given duty, the other never has to think about it. I don't have to say "honey can you do the dishes" because we both know (and both decided) that he would be responsible for them. When a new set of tasks is introduced (i.e. when we became parents), we sit down and figure out who will be responsible for what. That way no one person is left as being the Executive Director of Household.

[Anonymous]

No, but then again he does all the handyman work around the house, lawn work including mulching and weeding and planting, cleans the grill, gets up on a ladder to change lightbulbs, organizes the garage, takes my car in for oil changes and routine service, swaps out the air filters on our AC unit, kills bugs when I ask (!), interviews hires contractors for renovations projects, fixes our tv/internet/fios when it goes out of whack.

I'm ok with traditional distribution of labor. Every marriage is different but this works for us. Marriage to me is about contributing in different ways and respecting each other.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Admitted control freak DW here. I handle it so it gets done right.

[Anonymous]

If my DH had to carry 1/2 my mental burden/labor or whatever yo want to call it he'd divorce me Really, maybe you think about thing too much (i.e. over think/over analyze) and that's not his style.

[Anonymous]

I wish all poster on this thread gave their age and years married. I think it would be informative.

[Anonymous]

I do most of the mental work but yesterday my DH got home from work early and cleaned out my disgusting garage including power washing the floor (he parks outside). I hadn't asked him to do it. He does stuff like this quite often so I'm not going to rock the boat. And he took me out to dinner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do most of the mental work but yesterday my DH got home from work early and cleaned out my disgusting garage including power washing the floor (he parks outside). I hadn't asked him to do it. He does stuff like this quite often so I'm not going to rock the boat. And he took me out to dinner!

Did he bang you too?