husband meeting up with female trainer and friends tonight out of town

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OO, it sounds like he’s one of these guys who can compartmentalize. He probably was sincere last night in your conversation, but he also was on a path to cheat or behave inappropriately; he pushes the boundaries of what’s appropriate when he has the opportunity. The two are not emotionally exclusive.

He loves you; he wants to be married to you; he’s sincere; he’s not trustworthy.

OP here. Interesting perspective. You may very well be right. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you ARE a wimp, as you’ve continued to put up with these shenanigans.

I haven’t continued to put up with anything?! This is the first situation like this since 6 years ago.

Do you hear yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One question - why would a bunch of women on an girls' trip WANT to have dinner with your husband. That's just weird. If I had a female friend who was a trainer (or anything - accountant, lawyer, hairdresser) and we were on a girls' trip in Vegas and she said, "let's have dinner with one of my male clients," I would say - "why would I want to do that?" Sounds like a truly awful way to spend a dinner on a girls' trip. No offense to your husband, but this is not what normal women do on girls' trips.

Which means something is going on.

Maybe to have him foot the bill? I left out he’s very handsome and successful. So yeah, who knows her/their intentions. We talked at length last night no one was there , I am confident in that. Started out very heated and got better. His view: the other situations were not affairs, while he thinks I over reacted to the past stuff, he understands. He thought we were beyond this now and didn’t see why it was a big deal. He now understands my feelings on it and the perception if nothing else. We also talked about how odd it is to ask a twenty something group of young women for dinner and drinks when traveling solo and married. Even if completely innocent , it looks bad, is hurtful to me, puts himself in a potentially vulnerable situation, and has set a precedent with this woman that they socialize outside of their professional relationship.

I know you all think I’m a wimp or being played. I do think he was sincere last night. We talked about boundaries moving forward and that If he doesn’t understand why Im feeling this way or why it was wrong and can’t happen again, then we are in a lot of trouble for our future. I don’t know, I believe nothing happened , I even believe she was there on a girls trip , what is concerning is the “ I’ll be there too let’s grab a drink “ mentality on his part. I’ll be watching things closely again. I’m choosing to trust but verify for now.

You are so gullible.

Signed, an OW who has quietly sat by while he wrapped up his nighttime convo with you, then banged the crap out of him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not giving any advice or anything but when it comes to male and female relations their is a big disconnect and it's important for each to better understand common perspective and emotions of each side.

Successful men are driven to have multiple sex partners. They have to battle that natural instinct in order to have a organized and peaceful home life. Under the organized and peaceful home life is a major sexual let down and feeling of inadequacy unless there has been release with a few affairs/hookers or one nighters. Men can love their wives and family more than anything and not be phased by the affair / hookup in the least.

Women usually don't engage in extramarital sex unless it has a highly emotional bond involved. If a woman cheats, it usually means the marriage is already over and she is literally no longer in love with her spouse. A woman carries this outlook and applies it to her cheating spouse because it is the only thing she knows and cannot fathom a mans perspective and hormones.

Not making any recommendations ... But when making decisions that will gravely effect the quality of life and have extensive ramifications it is VERY important to deal with life the way it actually is as opposed to how you believe it should be. Once both partners understand what each other deals with they could actually talk about things that would make them very close and honest.

When you think about it.. The whole "boundaries" and unspoken truths relationships people organize their lives with do not lead to closeness. There is a major wall between most spouses and in many ways the whole thing is just a monetary/management partnership with a good bit of fake posturing.

Ok. Interesting perspective. Why do you believe that about successful men?

The very root of male drive is sexual. Testosterone and the drive to have sexual power is the root motivation to make money or obtain a prestigious job or image. As "The Donald" said in his book .. "Without drive you cannot be successful". For most men the drive is sexual at its root. Men want to have sex with the most beautiful women possible and the byproduct is success in life. Successful men also want stability, order and peace so they get married to a woman they feel is beautiful. After about 5 years the sex gets less rewarding (this is Mother Nature ..nobodies fault) and that's when the trouble starts. Going through the motions... "Boundaries"... Not being able to be honest for fear of backlash.. A distance between partners. A man could get a hooker .. But that could lead to std's and legal trouble. A man could have an affair which if short term he could definitely mentally handle and move on seamlessly with his wife happily believing in her unrealistic worldview and him maintaining the working partnership while not going batshit insane inside.

[Anonymous]

OP. I’ve been there done that (your convo with him last night). Oh my god almost that exact convo. (“He gets why it was wrong, sees my perspective” etc etc.
It doesn’t matter. At its core, it was wrong. He was texting with his young, single, assumingly pretty trainer. He may not have physically cheated last night but he probably would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not giving any advice or anything but when it comes to male and female relations their is a big disconnect and it's important for each to better understand common perspective and emotions of each side.

Successful men are driven to have multiple sex partners. They have to battle that natural instinct in order to have a organized and peaceful home life. Under the organized and peaceful home life is a major sexual let down and feeling of inadequacy unless there has been release with a few affairs/hookers or one nighters. Men can love their wives and family more than anything and not be phased by the affair / hookup in the least.

Women usually don't engage in extramarital sex unless it has a highly emotional bond involved. If a woman cheats, it usually means the marriage is already over and she is literally no longer in love with her spouse. A woman carries this outlook and applies it to her cheating spouse because it is the only thing she knows and cannot fathom a mans perspective and hormones.

Not making any recommendations ... But when making decisions that will gravely effect the quality of life and have extensive ramifications it is VERY important to deal with life the way it actually is as opposed to how you believe it should be. Once both partners understand what each other deals with they could actually talk about things that would make them very close and honest.

When you think about it.. The whole "boundaries" and unspoken truths relationships people organize their lives with do not lead to closeness. There is a major wall between most spouses and in many ways the whole thing is just a monetary/management partnership with a good bit of fake posturing.

What a bunch of bullshit. How about, be a grown-up and honor your vows to your wife? This type of pop-cultural justificationlets men off the hook because its somehow “biological” for them to cheat because they are “successful”. It also infantilizes man — Its ok they just can’t help it, they can’t keep it in their pants because they make a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Can you find the trainer's social media accounts and she if she's posting pictures of a girls' weekend? I would also be checking the cell phone bill for texts to her number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not giving any advice or anything but when it comes to male and female relations their is a big disconnect and it's important for each to better understand common perspective and emotions of each side.

Successful men are driven to have multiple sex partners. They have to battle that natural instinct in order to have a organized and peaceful home life. Under the organized and peaceful home life is a major sexual let down and feeling of inadequacy unless there has been release with a few affairs/hookers or one nighters. Men can love their wives and family more than anything and not be phased by the affair / hookup in the least.

Women usually don't engage in extramarital sex unless it has a highly emotional bond involved. If a woman cheats, it usually means the marriage is already over and she is literally no longer in love with her spouse. A woman carries this outlook and applies it to her cheating spouse because it is the only thing she knows and cannot fathom a mans perspective and hormones.

Not making any recommendations ... But when making decisions that will gravely effect the quality of life and have extensive ramifications it is VERY important to deal with life the way it actually is as opposed to how you believe it should be. Once both partners understand what each other deals with they could actually talk about things that would make them very close and honest.

When you think about it.. The whole "boundaries" and unspoken truths relationships people organize their lives with do not lead to closeness. There is a major wall between most spouses and in many ways the whole thing is just a monetary/management partnership with a good bit of fake posturing.

Ok. Interesting perspective. Why do you believe that about successful men?

The very root of male drive is sexual. Testosterone and the drive to have sexual power is the root motivation to make money or obtain a prestigious job or image. As "The Donald" said in his book .. "Without drive you cannot be successful". For most men the drive is sexual at its root. Men want to have sex with the most beautiful women possible and the byproduct is success in life. Successful men also want stability, order and peace so they get married to a woman they feel is beautiful. After about 5 years the sex gets less rewarding (this is Mother Nature ..nobodies fault) and that's when the trouble starts. Going through the motions... "Boundaries"... Not being able to be honest for fear of backlash.. A distance between partners. A man could get a hooker .. But that could lead to std's and legal trouble. A man could have an affair which if short term he could definitely mentally handle and move on seamlessly with his wife happily believing in her unrealistic worldview and him maintaining the working partnership while not going batshit insane inside.

Replace “man” in this post with “baby-man“. This is not how real, grown up, adult men behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you find the trainer's social media accounts and she if she's posting pictures of a girls' weekend? I would also be checking the cell phone bill for texts to her number.

This. Most people on here say things like don’t snoop, if you don’t trust him it’s over etc... but I’ve been there. You can not trust him and be done, but STILL need to verify/ have that closure. Yea it’s unhealthy but sometimes we need to see the cold hard truth ourselves. That, and it’s good to have proof when he denies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not giving any advice or anything but when it comes to male and female relations their is a big disconnect and it's important for each to better understand common perspective and emotions of each side.

Successful men are driven to have multiple sex partners. They have to battle that natural instinct in order to have a organized and peaceful home life. Under the organized and peaceful home life is a major sexual let down and feeling of inadequacy unless there has been release with a few affairs/hookers or one nighters. Men can love their wives and family more than anything and not be phased by the affair / hookup in the least.

Women usually don't engage in extramarital sex unless it has a highly emotional bond involved. If a woman cheats, it usually means the marriage is already over and she is literally no longer in love with her spouse. A woman carries this outlook and applies it to her cheating spouse because it is the only thing she knows and cannot fathom a mans perspective and hormones.

Not making any recommendations ... But when making decisions that will gravely effect the quality of life and have extensive ramifications it is VERY important to deal with life the way it actually is as opposed to how you believe it should be. Once both partners understand what each other deals with they could actually talk about things that would make them very close and honest.

When you think about it.. The whole "boundaries" and unspoken truths relationships people organize their lives with do not lead to closeness. There is a major wall between most spouses and in many ways the whole thing is just a monetary/management partnership with a good bit of fake posturing.

Ok. Interesting perspective. Why do you believe that about successful men?

The very root of male drive is sexual. Testosterone and the drive to have sexual power is the root motivation to make money or obtain a prestigious job or image. As "The Donald" said in his book .. "Without drive you cannot be successful". For most men the drive is sexual at its root. Men want to have sex with the most beautiful women possible and the byproduct is success in life. Successful men also want stability, order and peace so they get married to a woman they feel is beautiful. After about 5 years the sex gets less rewarding (this is Mother Nature ..nobodies fault) and that's when the trouble starts. Going through the motions... "Boundaries"... Not being able to be honest for fear of backlash.. A distance between partners. A man could get a hooker .. But that could lead to std's and legal trouble. A man could have an affair which if short term he could definitely mentally handle and move on seamlessly with his wife happily believing in her unrealistic worldview and him maintaining the working partnership while not going batshit insane inside.

Replace “man” in this post with “baby-man“. This is not how real, grown up, adult men behave.

That is just you wanting and trying to force the world to be your fantasy. The truth is uglier and true closeness and authenticity can only come from honesty between the sexes. That aura of shaming leads to emotional distance, many unspoken truths and a mechanical partnership.

[Anonymous]

^^btw I'm not endorsing extramarital conduct. I'm saying with most successful men it takes a high capacity woman to be able to honestly accept what men are thinking and feeling. The shattering of the fantasy is too much for most couples to talk about so they live by boundries and silence. It can make a man drive around on his riding mower with a blank expression like a zombie. It's horrifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not giving any advice or anything but when it comes to male and female relations their is a big disconnect and it's important for each to better understand common perspective and emotions of each side.

Successful men are driven to have multiple sex partners. They have to battle that natural instinct in order to have a organized and peaceful home life. Under the organized and peaceful home life is a major sexual let down and feeling of inadequacy unless there has been release with a few affairs/hookers or one nighters. Men can love their wives and family more than anything and not be phased by the affair / hookup in the least.

Women usually don't engage in extramarital sex unless it has a highly emotional bond involved. If a woman cheats, it usually means the marriage is already over and she is literally no longer in love with her spouse. A woman carries this outlook and applies it to her cheating spouse because it is the only thing she knows and cannot fathom a mans perspective and hormones.

Not making any recommendations ... But when making decisions that will gravely effect the quality of life and have extensive ramifications it is VERY important to deal with life the way it actually is as opposed to how you believe it should be. Once both partners understand what each other deals with they could actually talk about things that would make them very close and honest.

When you think about it.. The whole "boundaries" and unspoken truths relationships people organize their lives with do not lead to closeness. There is a major wall between most spouses and in many ways the whole thing is just a monetary/management partnership with a good bit of fake posturing.

Ok. Interesting perspective. Why do you believe that about successful men?

The very root of male drive is sexual. Testosterone and the drive to have sexual power is the root motivation to make money or obtain a prestigious job or image. As "The Donald" said in his book .. "Without drive you cannot be successful". For most men the drive is sexual at its root. Men want to have sex with the most beautiful women possible and the byproduct is success in life. Successful men also want stability, order and peace so they get married to a woman they feel is beautiful. After about 5 years the sex gets less rewarding (this is Mother Nature ..nobodies fault) and that's when the trouble starts. Going through the motions... "Boundaries"... Not being able to be honest for fear of backlash.. A distance between partners. A man could get a hooker .. But that could lead to std's and legal trouble. A man could have an affair which if short term he could definitely mentally handle and move on seamlessly with his wife happily believing in her unrealistic worldview and him maintaining the working partnership while not going batshit insane inside.

Replace “man” in this post with “baby-man“. This is not how real, grown up, adult men behave.

That is just you wanting and trying to force the world to be your fantasy. The truth is uglier and closeness and authenticity can only come from honesty between the sexes. That aura of shaming leads to emotional distance, many unspoken truths and a mechanical partnership.

Keep your psychobabble worldview. My experience with adult men has never reflected the warped dynamic you’re talking about. People in adult relationships don’t resort to tired gender tropes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I’ve been there done that (your convo with him last night). Oh my god almost that exact convo. (“He gets why it was wrong, sees my perspective” etc etc.
It doesn’t matter. At its core, it was wrong. He was texting with his young, single, assumingly pretty trainer. He may not have physically cheated last night but he probably would have.

Thanks. Was your husband cheating? Are you still together?

[Anonymous]

I can't get past that he knew you were upset about this, but still decided to go. His going with her was more important. He picked her over you.

When he gets back ask for him to show you the texts between him and the trainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not giving any advice or anything but when it comes to male and female relations their is a big disconnect and it's important for each to better understand common perspective and emotions of each side.

Successful men are driven to have multiple sex partners. They have to battle that natural instinct in order to have a organized and peaceful home life. Under the organized and peaceful home life is a major sexual let down and feeling of inadequacy unless there has been release with a few affairs/hookers or one nighters. Men can love their wives and family more than anything and not be phased by the affair / hookup in the least.

Women usually don't engage in extramarital sex unless it has a highly emotional bond involved. If a woman cheats, it usually means the marriage is already over and she is literally no longer in love with her spouse. A woman carries this outlook and applies it to her cheating spouse because it is the only thing she knows and cannot fathom a mans perspective and hormones.

Not making any recommendations ... But when making decisions that will gravely effect the quality of life and have extensive ramifications it is VERY important to deal with life the way it actually is as opposed to how you believe it should be. Once both partners understand what each other deals with they could actually talk about things that would make them very close and honest.

When you think about it.. The whole "boundaries" and unspoken truths relationships people organize their lives with do not lead to closeness. There is a major wall between most spouses and in many ways the whole thing is just a monetary/management partnership with a good bit of fake posturing.

Ok. Interesting perspective. Why do you believe that about successful men?

The very root of male drive is sexual. Testosterone and the drive to have sexual power is the root motivation to make money or obtain a prestigious job or image. As "The Donald" said in his book .. "Without drive you cannot be successful". For most men the drive is sexual at its root. Men want to have sex with the most beautiful women possible and the byproduct is success in life. Successful men also want stability, order and peace so they get married to a woman they feel is beautiful. After about 5 years the sex gets less rewarding (this is Mother Nature ..nobodies fault) and that's when the trouble starts. Going through the motions... "Boundaries"... Not being able to be honest for fear of backlash.. A distance between partners. A man could get a hooker .. But that could lead to std's and legal trouble. A man could have an affair which if short term he could definitely mentally handle and move on seamlessly with his wife happily believing in her unrealistic worldview and him maintaining the working partnership while not going batshit insane inside.

Replace “man” in this post with “baby-man“. This is not how real, grown up, adult men behave.

That is just you wanting and trying to force the world to be your fantasy. The truth is uglier and closeness and authenticity can only come from honesty between the sexes. That aura of shaming leads to emotional distance, many unspoken truths and a mechanical partnership.

Keep your psychobabble worldview. My experience with adult men has never reflected the warped dynamic you’re talking about. People in adult relationships don’t resort to tired gender tropes.

That's true. They bury it. It's hard for most people to be authentic and talk about real deep feelings and motivations.