Married in your 20s? How's that worked out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to be asking this question of 45 and 50 year olds--when the midlife crisis collides with the empty nest and a long marriage this is when you start to see things crack.

I was married at 25, the week I finished grad school, and am now almost 49. DH is one year older. We are still doing fine, but we have all the ingredients of a stable marriage (married after college/grad degrees, both of us come from stable families with little drama, and we are financially well-off). I had children at 29, 31, and 35. The only thing about getting married at 25 is that is gave us plenty of time to have 3 kids. That has impacted us more than anything, because I left my job to raise them. I think I'd still be working if we'd stopped at 2. Still, all is well, and we'll have our last kid in college at age 54/55.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who married in your 20s and have been married--to the same person--for at least ten years, how's it going? What's good, not so good? Would you do it again, knowing what you know now?

Marrying in your 20's is the norm. Why would this be something to ask about? It's like asking "Driving at 16, How'd that work out?"

Actually, I'd say that marrying at 30 is now the norm for affluent, college-educated women. My source: the NYT wedding announcements, my kids' friends and my friends' kids (super-scientific, I know). That said, I agree with those who note that there's a big difference between marrying in late 20s and early 20s. I was married in late 20s and have been married (mostly quite happily for 30 years). Anecdotally (again), I can remember quite a few of those right after college marriages falling apart -- they just seemed like life rafts going under, whereas couples marrying even a few years later have mostly hung in there. I think those first few years after college are a period of real emotional growth for most people, so a late 20s marriage will stand a better change of surviving.

[Anonymous]

Met at 23, started dating at 26, married at 27 first child at 32, two more within 4 years. Married almost 40 years (yes, I'm an oldie!) and it has been wonderful! My DH has been very successful and I've had a fulfilling career as well. We are both mostly retired but we work enough to keep our minds operating but we travel a lot and really enjoy our lives together. It helps that we are both in very good heath and still enjoy a very active sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who married in your 20s and have been married--to the same person--for at least ten years, how's it going? What's good, not so good? Would you do it again, knowing what you know now?

Marrying in your 20's is the norm. Why would this be something to ask about? It's like asking "Driving at 16, How'd that work out?"

Actually, I'd say that marrying at 30 is now the norm for affluent, college-educated women. My source: the NYT wedding announcements, my kids' friends and my friends' kids (super-scientific, I know). That said, I agree with those who note that there's a big difference between marrying in late 20s and early 20s. I was married in late 20s and have been married (mostly quite happily for 30 years). Anecdotally (again), I can remember quite a few of those right after college marriages falling apart -- they just seemed like life rafts going under, whereas couples marrying even a few years later have mostly hung in there. I think those first few years after college are a period of real emotional growth for most people, so a late 20s marriage will stand a better change of surviving.

NP here. I'm inclined to agree with much of this. However, as a college-educated Millennial, I can tell you that most of the marriages I'm seeing among 28 year olds are between college sweethearts who cohabitated for a long time. That is to say, these marriages are generally not between people who dated freely for most of their 20s, met someone at 26 and got married at 28. Economic forces are generally pushing couples to cohabit much sooner than they would otherwise be willing to in prior generations, so many of these relationships I think move quicker than they probably should. Anecdotally, I find that these couples end up with highly integrated lives (duh, 'cause they're living together) and seem to basically slide into marriage over the course of many years, rather than actively and affirmatively *decide* on a person.

Like all marriages, I think time will tell how these marriages work out. Half these people I know don't even seem like newlyweds by the time they're walking down the aisle. I've also seen many of these long-time couples end up with serious issues once their first is born, because it so shakes up the very low-stress, undemanding dynamic in which they become very entrenched (boozy brunches! weekend trips! avocado toast!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to be asking this question of 45 and 50 year olds--when the midlife crisis collides with the empty nest and a long marriage this is when you start to see things crack.

So under this theory, people who married in 30s still have kids at home at 45-50 so they don’t have midlife crisis? Or is it that they had more freedom in 20s so don’t feel tied down?

This is us. Married at 33/34 and now almost 20 years in with HS freshman and HS senior. Neither of us feels particularly "tied down" because we did what we wanted to do through our 20s and early 30s. On the flip side, we didn't date for very long and had kids almost immediately after we got married, so I think the challenge for us as empty nesters will be figuring out how to be a couple. No reason to think it won't work, but we haven't had much practice and we both tend to want to do our own thing.

[Anonymous]

met in teens, married in 20s, now in mid 50s. happy as ever. thanks to my DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met at 23, started dating at 26, married at 27 first child at 32, two more within 4 years. Married almost 40 years (yes, I'm an oldie!) and it has been wonderful! My DH has been very successful and I've had a fulfilling career as well. We are both mostly retired but we work enough to keep our minds operating but we travel a lot and really enjoy our lives together. It helps that we are both in very good heath and still enjoy a very active sex life.

Winner, winner...chicken dinner! Why do you think it has worked so well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to be asking this question of 45 and 50 year olds--when the midlife crisis collides with the empty nest and a long marriage this is when you start to see things crack.

So under this theory, people who married in 30s still have kids at home at 45-50 so they don’t have midlife crisis? Or is it that they had more freedom in 20s so don’t feel tied down?

This is us. Married at 33/34 and now almost 20 years in with HS freshman and HS senior. Neither of us feels particularly "tied down" because we did what we wanted to do through our 20s and early 30s. On the flip side, we didn't date for very long and had kids almost immediately after we got married, so I think the challenge for us as empty nesters will be figuring out how to be a couple. No reason to think it won't work, but we haven't had much practice and we both tend to want to do our own thing.

Becoming empty nesters really is a "passage" for couples. For many SAHM's their lives have been overly centered on their children and when the children leave home they feel adrift. If they have a great relationship with their spouses things will be fine. But if they don't the road can become very rocky.

[Anonymous]

We got married when I was 24 and he was 27. We've had lots of rough patches and talked about divorce ten years ago. Currently still married, and we are happy right now. Kids are 15 and 13. Careers are decent. Money is okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to be asking this question of 45 and 50 year olds--when the midlife crisis collides with the empty nest and a long marriage this is when you start to see things crack.

So under this theory, people who married in 30s still have kids at home at 45-50 so they don’t have midlife crisis? Or is it that they had more freedom in 20s so don’t feel tied down?

This is us. Married at 33/34 and now almost 20 years in with HS freshman and HS senior. Neither of us feels particularly "tied down" because we did what we wanted to do through our 20s and early 30s. On the flip side, we didn't date for very long and had kids almost immediately after we got married, so I think the challenge for us as empty nesters will be figuring out how to be a couple. No reason to think it won't work, but we haven't had much practice and we both tend to want to do our own thing.

Becoming empty nesters really is a "passage" for couples. For many SAHM's their lives have been overly centered on their children and when the children leave home they feel adrift. If they have a great relationship with their spouses things will be fine. But if they don't the road can become very rocky.

I agree, but I think this is the case of any new empty nesters who have not invested heavily in their relationship. I know plenty of dual-career households that broke-up when the kids were in college. I'm a SAHM and, if anything, I feel it gives us MORE time to invest in enjoying our marriage.

[Anonymous]

40, married at 25. Wouldn't do anything different - I have never wanted to be with anyone else since I met him at 21 and still don't. We have two kids, decent jobs, a nice house and he still makes me laugh and feel loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We met at 25, married at 28, and had kids at 35. We're now 46. Life has its ups and downs but overall, it has been pretty good. I love that we had so many years together pre-kids. I think that gave us a strong foundation for life post kids. I wouldn't change a thing.

You did not marry young. Plus you had kids at 35? Again, not a definition of marrying young or having kids young, even here.

OP asked for stories from people who married in their 20s. Last time I checked, 28 is still 20s.

[Anonymous]

We started dating when we were 15 (!) and got married at 25. Waited to have kids until early 30s. Many years later and we’re still happy. At this point, I’ve been with him longer than I haven’t, which seems crazy. I think one ingredient of success for us (besides the obvious parts of a good marriage) is that we took our time on things and let each other grow as individuals as well as a couple. I think that’s necessary to be realistic about when you get together so young. We went to different colleges, lived in different cities briefly post-grad, have different interests, etc. We also took our time enjoying married life and focusing on our careers before having kids. My 20s were really fun.

[Anonymous]

Started dating at 16, engaged at 22, married at 24. Now 31. Had first kid at 28 with another on the way. Neither of us has dated anyone else. No regrets, and we're very happy. We went to college in separate (but close) states so we had time to grow individually. It was wonderful having the emotional and financial support of a spouse to lean on as we both launched our careers, and we had plenty of time to be a couple before deciding to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met at 23, started dating at 26, married at 27 first child at 32, two more within 4 years. Married almost 40 years (yes, I'm an oldie!) and it has been wonderful! My DH has been very successful and I've had a fulfilling career as well. We are both mostly retired but we work enough to keep our minds operating but we travel a lot and really enjoy our lives together. It helps that we are both in very good heath and still enjoy a very active sex life.

Winner, winner...chicken dinner! Why do you think it has worked so well?

We've always been very good friends and we rarely disagree on things. He's very big picture oriented and I'm very detail oriented and we have always used each others strengths. Money has never been an issue as we have made a lot but have always saved a lot. We love spending time together but we do a lot separately. It also helps that we have three great children, all married, successful and now parents themselves. I already mentioned it but really enjoying an active sex life after all these years is very special. At my age being desired physically is wonderful.