If you are only comfortable having sex in an exclusive relationship.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean, that hasn't worked?

I mean, we dated for a while, fooled around heavily, and they were pushing me to have sex with them. When I told them that if I slept with them I would want us to be exclusive and in a relationship (not just going on dates and having sex a few times a month), they bailed.

But it DOES "work" then! That's the whole point. These particular men don't want to be exclusive with you. And you've found that out by laying out your standards/criteria before sleeping with them. If you had slept with them (like most girls do) simply hoping for exclusivity after the fact, they would have disappointed you. Some girls are fine with this and just shrug and move on. You are not. So you are doing what you need to do to achieve your goal--which is to not have sex with men who are not exclusively committed to you.

I think the bonus here is that at least the men you are choosing to date are not lying about their intentions. That's a plus one. But not a big enough bonus to compromise your own happiness. Keep doing what you're doing and move on.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Maybe it's the way you put it to them. Maybe instead of the words "exclusive" you can reaffirm to them that you are interested in having sex, but not interested in having sex while they're having sex with other women. You can even add that you don't know where this is going and it's cool if you're both just having fun right now, but you're not going to be having THAT kind of fun with more than one guy at a time and you'd like the same assurance from him. Spell it out--that you don't want to essentially be having sex with his entire array of women and all the men they may be sleeping with. It's just a recipe for disease!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separated 50 something male

I cannot imagine having sex as one night stands consistently. I can understand if drunk and mistake but not intentional. [b] The difference between sex with someone you care about and someone u just met is like the difference between a midnight summer swim in a lake and a dip in the anacostia river. U have to be insane to have sex with multiple partners over and over , and the sex is not as good as someone u are emotionally connected to. [b]

I am lucky enough to have found a sexy woman that I have strong feelings for and the sex is better than when I was in my 20’s.

I am living the dream with a lovely 50 something woman. Can’t believe it can be this good again.

NP: +1. I thought this was great. 50s Guy, separated and dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

I more suspect these divorced guys have emerged from a marriage where the wife lost all interest in sex which is obviously a disincentive for sexually exclusivity. Given that non-married men have so many sexual options, far more than they ever experienced back before marriage, it is understandable why some might not rush back into a sexual exclusive commitment.

Op here. This is depressing. Are these men frequently successful at getting women to sleep with them with no commitment or promise of exclusivity? I literally have zero friends who are willing to sleep with men without first having a conversation about making sure they're on the same page about not sleeping with other people - for health reasons, if nothing else. Are there a lot of women who are like "sure, I'll sleep with you even though your profile is still up and you may be having sex with others"? And the women truly don't care that the men are sleeping around? I would love to know statistically what's really happening. As opposed to guys on the internet just posting that "yeah this is normal just deal" which I suspect may be them trying to convince women they have to put up with this BS.

If their tactics weren't successful, they would quickly change tactics. So Yes: they are are actually finding such women. Would you wait until "exclusive" to introduce a guy to your best friends or your sister? Probably not, because socializing with your close friends is probably such an indispensable thing it would be hard to consider the relationship serious without it. Plus you might actually want to see how everybody mixes as part of your decision criteria before deciding to devote yourself exclusively to this guy. That's how some people view sex, especially divorced guys coming out of a low-sex marriage. Sexual compatibility is a key thing in making the commitment to become exclusive.

[Anonymous]

buy the car before I allow you to test drive it.

That is a great sales tactic when selling a product you have low confidence in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

I more suspect these divorced guys have emerged from a marriage where the wife lost all interest in sex which is obviously a disincentive for sexually exclusivity. Given that non-married men have so many sexual options, far more than they ever experienced back before marriage, it is understandable why some might not rush back into a sexual exclusive commitment.

Op here. This is depressing. Are these men frequently successful at getting women to sleep with them with no commitment or promise of exclusivity? I literally have zero friends who are willing to sleep with men without first having a conversation about making sure they're on the same page about not sleeping with other people - for health reasons, if nothing else. Are there a lot of women who are like "sure, I'll sleep with you even though your profile is still up and you may be having sex with others"? And the women truly don't care that the men are sleeping around? I would love to know statistically what's really happening. As opposed to guys on the internet just posting that "yeah this is normal just deal" which I suspect may be them trying to convince women they have to put up with this BS.

If their tactics weren't successful, they would quickly change tactics. So Yes: they are are actually finding such women. Would you wait until "exclusive" to introduce a guy to your best friends or your sister? Probably not, because socializing with your close friends is probably such an indispensable thing it would be hard to consider the relationship serious without it. Plus you might actually want to see how everybody mixes as part of your decision criteria before deciding to devote yourself exclusively to this guy. That's how some people view sex, especially divorced guys coming out of a low-sex marriage. Sexual compatibility is a key thing in making the commitment to become exclusive.

Guy here. This is an excellent, nuanced, and accurate post.

And yes, they are finding plenty of single women willing to sleep with them without an exclusive agreement. In fact, a divorced guy in his late 30s has a TON of options - women as young as late 20s and as old as mid 40s are willing to take a chance on him. Guys never had that breadth of women when they were in their mid 20s and dating their college sweetheart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean, that hasn't worked?

I mean, we dated for a while, fooled around heavily, and they were pushing me to have sex with them. When I told them that if I slept with them I would want us to be exclusive and in a relationship (not just going on dates and having sex a few times a month), they bailed.

But it DOES "work" then! That's the whole point. These particular men don't want to be exclusive with you. And you've found that out by laying out your standards/criteria before sleeping with them. If you had slept with them (like most girls do) simply hoping for exclusivity after the fact, they would have disappointed you. Some girls are fine with this and just shrug and move on. You are not. So you are doing what you need to do to achieve your goal--which is to not have sex with men who are not exclusively committed to you.

I think the bonus here is that at least the men you are choosing to date are not lying about their intentions. That's a plus one. But not a big enough bonus to compromise your own happiness. Keep doing what you're doing and move on.

Who are all these men sleeping with girls? Someone call the cops!

Seriously, it's creepy to acknowledge males as adults, while keeping females diminutive. Stop it.

[Anonymous]

Are people no longer able to tell if there's chemistry short of actual intercourse? If I've gone on a half dozen dates with a guy, it means we've also fooled around enough, short of oral or PIV, to tell if there's chemistry. Figuring out if monogamous sex could be good long term means starting to have monogamous, exclusive sex in the short term. That means getting tested together, exchanging results and deciding on mutually acceptable birth control. If we start having sex and decide its not sustainable long term, no harm no foul.

If a guy can't engage in this kind of process, it doesn't mean anything good. Either he's not being honest about lack if chemistry because he wants sex, or he thinks he might be missing out on something else, or he's really not mature enough to discuss STD and pregnancy prevention and boundaries before sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

Op here. There is a physical element - basically everything but sex. I just want to know we are exclusive, and that the guy's profiles are down, and he isn't sleeping with anyone else, if we are dating and having sex. ANd that we aren't just seeing each other a few times a month and having sex but rather see each other more regularly. Basically, I want the guy I am having sex with to be and act like my boyfriend. Is that really asking too much? Which of those terms do you have issues with - do you want to be able to sleep with multiple people?

I'm a 38YO divorced male who has dated a lot in the last two years since I moving to my own place and splitting time as a parent. What you are seeking not too much to ask at all.

Thank you. Do you have any thoughts on how to approach communicating with men about this?

I think that many divorced men will view your "pushing for exclusivity" as a prelude toward "pushing for marriage." None of the recently divorced guys I know are looking for re-marriage ANYTIME soon, if ever. Especially if they have kids. I think divorced guys in their 30s would be OK being in an exclusive relationship if they were sure you wouldn't be pressuring them to get married a year later.

No one wants that kind of pressure after a divorce.

Op here. Thanks, but uh, well, I am dating with the hopes of meeting someone I can marry. And so many of the guys available at my age ARE divorced. There aren't that many nondivorced guys out there. Up until a year ago, I refused to date divorced dads. Then I decide to start because that widens my dating pool considerably. So could a huge part of this issue here be not me or how I am handling it, but just that guys who are divorced may have a larger tendency not to want serious, committed, relationships? So.....what to do?

It's good you are considering divorced dads but even better if you can find one that doesn't have kids. When I was single I didn't waste much time. If there wasn't a connection I dropped it pretty quick. Didn't waste my time having sex unless there was some kind of commitment. Sniffed out the losers who only wanted sex or who slept around. I researched the guys right off the bat to cut down on time wasted. If you want to get married that's how I would proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think that many divorced men will view your "pushing for exclusivity" as a prelude toward "pushing for marriage."

This is a joke, right? She wants to date a man, and she wants to that guy to date just her. It’s pretty simple.

lol yes it is that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

Op here. There is a physical element - basically everything but sex. I just want to know we are exclusive, and that the guy's profiles are down, and he isn't sleeping with anyone else, if we are dating and having sex. ANd that we aren't just seeing each other a few times a month and having sex but rather see each other more regularly. Basically, I want the guy I am having sex with to be and act like my boyfriend. Is that really asking too much? Which of those terms do you have issues with - do you want to be able to sleep with multiple people?

OP I wouldn't have sex unless you are in a solid relationship and you both agree to all those things. I'd probably want to get tested together beforehand. A decent partner is going to be on board with all that. It's a good way to weed out the winners from the losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

Those guys might be coming out of sexless marriages and looking for fun right now. They might also mistake your desire to wait for low sex drive, when it’s not and it reminds them of a wife who was never in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I just wish I did not feel this way. I wish I was fine with sleeping with guys and being ok if it turned out they just wanted sex. Im just not. Is there some way I can change my feelings on that? Honestly, that would be easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

I more suspect these divorced guys have emerged from a marriage where the wife lost all interest in sex which is obviously a disincentive for sexually exclusivity. Given that non-married men have so many sexual options, far more than they ever experienced back before marriage, it is understandable why some might not rush back into a sexual exclusive commitment.

Op here. This is depressing. Are these men frequently successful at getting women to sleep with them with no commitment or promise of exclusivity? I literally have zero friends who are willing to sleep with men without first having a conversation about making sure they're on the same page about not sleeping with other people - for health reasons, if nothing else. Are there a lot of women who are like "sure, I'll sleep with you even though your profile is still up and you may be having sex with others"? And the women truly don't care that the men are sleeping around? I would love to know statistically what's really happening. As opposed to guys on the internet just posting that "yeah this is normal just deal" which I suspect may be them trying to convince women they have to put up with this BS.

If their tactics weren't successful, they would quickly change tactics. So Yes: they are are actually finding such women. Would you wait until "exclusive" to introduce a guy to your best friends or your sister? Probably not, because socializing with your close friends is probably such an indispensable thing it would be hard to consider the relationship serious without it. Plus you might actually want to see how everybody mixes as part of your decision criteria before deciding to devote yourself exclusively to this guy. That's how some people view sex, especially divorced guys coming out of a low-sex marriage. Sexual compatibility is a key thing in making the commitment to become exclusive.

I don’t mix guys I’m dating with friends or family at all. It’s after we’ve become exclusive that I want opinions from others as a sanity check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just wish I did not feel this way. I wish I was fine with sleeping with guys and being ok if it turned out they just wanted sex. Im just not. Is there some way I can change my feelings on that? Honestly, that would be easier.

Nah - don’t change. None of these guys seem worth it - they seem pretty gross.