If you are only comfortable having sex in an exclusive relationship.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be harsh, but maybe the reason that the last few guys bailed after a week was because they didn't think the sex had been worth the long wait. When your 40 years old and you hold back that much, you raise expectations. You can do it your way, but think about it -- if guys agree to be exclusive and then bail in a week, what did you really gain by following this policy? You should have sex when you are ready and maybe that means you will be exclusive, but to expect your partner to do the same -- well, why don't we just abolish all pre-marital sex. Its a slippery slope -- and your not far from it.

This is ridiculous. OP knows what she's comfortable with and there are men who will understand. Also, it sounds like they bailed after it was clear that she wasn't having sex without exclusivity.

[Anonymous]

Male here, I feel the same way as you OP. Made dating tough sometimes and lead to some awkward moments. But definitely worth the wait, my wife is unreal.

[Anonymous]

Without more details it's tough to say. I would assume you didn't get the player vibe from these guys?

I agree you are doing the right things. Think of it as a good thing they bailed. Saved you from heart break. Have you been married before or no?

[Anonymous]

I was friends with the guy I'm engaged to for three years before we hooked up. Once we connected there was no discussion of exclusivity because we were already good friends. It helped that the sex was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be harsh, but maybe the reason that the last few guys bailed after a week was because they didn't think the sex had been worth the long wait. When your 40 years old and you hold back that much, you raise expectations. You can do it your way, but think about it -- if guys agree to be exclusive and then bail in a week, what did you really gain by following this policy? You should have sex when you are ready and maybe that means you will be exclusive, but to expect your partner to do the same -- well, why don't we just abolish all pre-marital sex. Its a slippery slope -- and your not far from it.

I didn't sleep with any of these guys. my first explanation wasn't clear. Ready the longer one

[Anonymous]

Op here. The other difference between these guys and the guys before is that these guys are divorced. Because of my age, that's most of my available dating pool. Guys were divorced between 3 months, a year, and 3 years. Is this a "divorced guy" thing? It's like they feel entitled to my body without putting in the effort needed when dating and building a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be harsh, but maybe the reason that the last few guys bailed after a week was because they didn't think the sex had been worth the long wait. When your 40 years old and you hold back that much, you raise expectations. You can do it your way, but think about it -- if guys agree to be exclusive and then bail in a week, what did you really gain by following this policy? You should have sex when you are ready and maybe that means you will be exclusive, but to expect your partner to do the same -- well, why don't we just abolish all pre-marital sex. Its a slippery slope -- and your not far from it.

This is ridiculous. OP knows what she's comfortable with and there are men who will understand. Also, it sounds like they bailed after it was clear that she wasn't having sex without exclusivity.

She did make it sound that way. To me, being exclusive isn’t a problem, but dating a woman with no apparent interest in sex is.

[Anonymous]

I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

Op here. There is a physical element - basically everything but sex. I just want to know we are exclusive, and that the guy's profiles are down, and he isn't sleeping with anyone else, if we are dating and having sex. ANd that we aren't just seeing each other a few times a month and having sex but rather see each other more regularly. Basically, I want the guy I am having sex with to be and act like my boyfriend. Is that really asking too much? Which of those terms do you have issues with - do you want to be able to sleep with multiple people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

Op here. There is a physical element - basically everything but sex. I just want to know we are exclusive, and that the guy's profiles are down, and he isn't sleeping with anyone else, if we are dating and having sex. ANd that we aren't just seeing each other a few times a month and having sex but rather see each other more regularly. Basically, I want the guy I am having sex with to be and act like my boyfriend. Is that really asking too much? Which of those terms do you have issues with - do you want to be able to sleep with multiple people?

I'm not divorced, but a number of my good friends are recent divorcees (we are all early 30s to early 40s). I think for those men coming out of a divorce within the past 3 years or so, they are not ready to settle down into a new relationship so quickly. My divorced male buddies are playing the field, enjoying their money and independence, and just generally loving the single life. A lot of them have refocused intensely on their jobs and traveling. The only way I see them getting into an exclusive relationship is if they are head-over-heels for a woman, so she needs to be bringing something amazing into their lives.

My divorced female friends are ALL ready to get exclusive with someone immediately post-divorce. Men and women in their 30s-40s treat divorce very differently, IMHO. On the other hand, my mom divorced my dad in their 50s after 25 years of marriage. She has ZERO desire to ever get married again.

I think you need to be strategic and avoid guys who have been divorced for less than 3 years. They have zero desire to commit. You may need to look to an older divorced man in his mid or late 40s, as they will have had their single fun and will be ready to commit since they are now taking a longer view of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

Op here. There is a physical element - basically everything but sex. I just want to know we are exclusive, and that the guy's profiles are down, and he isn't sleeping with anyone else, if we are dating and having sex. ANd that we aren't just seeing each other a few times a month and having sex but rather see each other more regularly. Basically, I want the guy I am having sex with to be and act like my boyfriend. Is that really asking too much? Which of those terms do you have issues with - do you want to be able to sleep with multiple people?

Have you considered why you attach a premium to PIV sex that you don’t seem attach to, say, oral sex? It seems rather arbitrary that you’ll give a bj to every man you date, but then demand exclusivity for intercourse. You are essentially saying “I am sexually conservative and will only have intercourse in a committed relationship, but I’ll give a BJ to anyone who picks up the check”. Men that want the former may be turned off by the latter.

Which is not to say you should have sex you are uncomfortable having, but rather, maybe realize that “everything but” still includes some pretty intimate acts, and maybe pull back on on those acts until you get exclusivity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

Op here. There is a physical element - basically everything but sex. I just want to know we are exclusive, and that the guy's profiles are down, and he isn't sleeping with anyone else, if we are dating and having sex. ANd that we aren't just seeing each other a few times a month and having sex but rather see each other more regularly. Basically, I want the guy I am having sex with to be and act like my boyfriend. Is that really asking too much? Which of those terms do you have issues with - do you want to be able to sleep with multiple people?

I'm a 38YO divorced male who has dated a lot in the last two years since I moving to my own place and splitting time as a parent. What you are seeking not too much to ask at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. High libido, love sex.....but only within in the context of an exclusive relationship. Don't feel comfortable casually sleeping with someone.

What's the best way to approach and achieve that when dating?

We can be exclusive.....



For one night

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

Op here. There is a physical element - basically everything but sex. I just want to know we are exclusive, and that the guy's profiles are down, and he isn't sleeping with anyone else, if we are dating and having sex. ANd that we aren't just seeing each other a few times a month and having sex but rather see each other more regularly. Basically, I want the guy I am having sex with to be and act like my boyfriend. Is that really asking too much? Which of those terms do you have issues with - do you want to be able to sleep with multiple people?

I'm a 38YO divorced male who has dated a lot in the last two years since I moving to my own place and splitting time as a parent. What you are seeking not too much to ask at all.

Thank you. Do you have any thoughts on how to approach communicating with men about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that people in general in the DC metro area - both men and women - are more open to having sex casually as (1.) we get older and (2.) post-divorce. Sex is no longer the "big special act" and we are accustomed to regular frequency.

That said, you can really only pull this off at your age if you're very attractive or just have the "je ne sais quoi" magnetic personality that drives men wild. I'd only agree to these terms if I was absolutely nuts about you.

If you're middling in the looks department and/or just a normal boring DC professional, good luck with your demands. But I think you'll find more men getting bored with you rather quickly without a physical element to the budding relationship.

Op here. There is a physical element - basically everything but sex. I just want to know we are exclusive, and that the guy's profiles are down, and he isn't sleeping with anyone else, if we are dating and having sex. ANd that we aren't just seeing each other a few times a month and having sex but rather see each other more regularly. Basically, I want the guy I am having sex with to be and act like my boyfriend. Is that really asking too much? Which of those terms do you have issues with - do you want to be able to sleep with multiple people?

I'm a 38YO divorced male who has dated a lot in the last two years since I moving to my own place and splitting time as a parent. What you are seeking not too much to ask at all.

Thank you. Do you have any thoughts on how to approach communicating with men about this?

I think that many divorced men will view your "pushing for exclusivity" as a prelude toward "pushing for marriage." None of the recently divorced guys I know are looking for re-marriage ANYTIME soon, if ever. Especially if they have kids. I think divorced guys in their 30s would be OK being in an exclusive relationship if they were sure you wouldn't be pressuring them to get married a year later.

No one wants that kind of pressure after a divorce.